"False Guilt"?/Guilt Trip/Mom/Frustration

Hi Everyone..

So I wanted to lay out the scenario

I recently lost about 45 pounds and my clothes were getting too big... and I recently got Grant money in from college... Here is how we (finally) decided to divvy it up.

Paying off bank fees/overdrafts & debts

New Clothes for me & Hubby

Booking the Hotel for our PRE PLANNED (Four months ago) trip to Houston with Nick... to take care of immigration stuff and see a friend of ours........... and money into trust fund for a car.....

Enter my brother's wedding........... that my parents invited us to, but we would have to pay $1000 for expenses........ (Hotel, Food, Etc)

The more reasonable goal is to get a car and we now have money in the trust to go toward the purchase of a vehicle of sorts. That being said, enter my mom today......... She yells at me for choosing to go to Houston and buy clothes instead of "Caring enough about my brother's wedding to go see it" (Which he decided to have said wedding out of state).............

I feel like we made the fiscally responsible decision, we did not waste the money- and at the end of the day- We got some new clothes in good condition- as well as put money into a grant fund toward the car, and am able to pay our own way to Houston........ so it's a win-win situation for us. Nick is handling the trust fund, and hopefully after the first of the year we will be able to get a car . More freedom, and less reliance on my family and friends for rides.......... ( You would think my mom would be thrilled)...........

So I am frustrated, and I know that nobody can "make" you feel guilty, but my mom sure tries. I wonder if this is false guilt (you know, guilt from sources which has no basis in truth AKA "Lies".......... Thoughts??

You should tell your mom and/or brother that you need help with the wedding expenses if they want you to come, and if they can afford it. Otherwise, it was your brother's choice to have that wedding out of state and away from his family, so he should understand if the less well-off members of his family can't make it.

As for the guilt thing, it sounds to me like this isn't the first time your mom has done this sort of thing. Just try to brush it off.

   It's your life, Nebula, and you know what is right for you. 

Your mum wants you to be at your brother's wedding.  That's her agenda.

You feel you can't afford to be at it and that is your reality.

And how happy would your brother be if he knew you had to give up things that are very important to you, just to be a this wedding?

As for 'false guilt'... I'm not sure what you mean.  If you are refering to your mother as the 'source', I feel it doesn't com so much from lies as from someones else's perceived truth, which could be a lot different to your own.

BTW, congratulations on losing all that weight

Originally Posted by Nebula  

to take care of immigration stuff

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You only need to say this one word to her: "Seriously?"

Hey, well done! You are taking your decisions properly, discussing your priorities sensibly and as you say, not wasting any on unnecessary things. Go for it, it is YOUR LIFE, live it as you see right.

People who want you to do what THEY think you should do have control issues.

Destination weddings are difficult for many people. Buy a card at the dollar store, put a check in it for whatever you can afford, include a personal note expressing your happiness for them and mail it off. Obligation met.

Congratulations on your weight loss, you look really sharp in that outfit! (congrats on the grant, too)

Live your life.

Well, you definitely need a vehicle (as per your prior post, about your classes and a job, how else are you going to find a part time job without a vehicle?), so that's important. The wedding? Yes, it's family and it's your brother. But ultimately, you do what's right for you. I agree with Otto....a greeting card with a check. Give your brother a call and tell him how happy you are for him. And life goes on.

First, Congrats on the weight loss! That's an amazing feat and I admire that! Keep it up!!!

Second, I agree paying the bank should be first on your list of what to do with your money, and taking care of the immigration papers.

Car or brother, that's a hard one for me. It's always family first with me, and I know my family would help me if I asked. Maybe you talk to your brother and see what he says? I am sure he'll understand if you talk him, not your mother. It's your brother's wedding, not your mother's. I'd talk to him.

I will talk to him, the reality is- I am not even sure he wants me there. I know his fiance does, but he has hated me my entire life and been continually and constantly mean to me....... I am going to order them a gift online, and send them a card explaining.
 

Nebula said:

I will talk to him, the reality is- I am not even sure he wants me there. I know his fiance does, but he has hated me my entire life and been continually and constantly mean to me....... I am going to order them a gift online, and send them a card explaining.
 

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I think that is appropriate.  My DH and I have friends getting married in the Caribbean this fall.  Unfortunately over the last year and a half we have had to step back from that friendship anyway; but as soon as I heard they were planning that sort of wedding (long before their engagement) I told them it was unlikely we would be attending.  And we had been friends for almost 15 years now.  Both were in our wedding, etc.  If you are going to do that sort of thing you should expect people not to come.  Weddings are important family events; but expecting someone to do anything other than what you chose to do, is unreasonable.  I've come to the conclusion that some people just do not operate within the bounds of normal reasoning.  If this is typical for them; I just take it with a grain of salt and dont let it bother me any more than it has to.  

That doesn't sound irresponsible to me at all. I guess you could save money on the clothes by buying used ones, but for all I know you're already doing that. And anyway the clothes are the cheaper part of the list.

Callista said:

That doesn't sound irresponsible to me at all. I guess you could save money on the clothes by buying used ones, but for all I know you're already doing that. And anyway the clothes are the cheaper part of the list.

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Oh girl I LOVE Goodwill. Unfortunately, finding clothes my size is a difficult enough task. The Skirt & Denim, outfit and the white shirt are the only thing I bought retail. I loaded up on clothes from Goodwill as well But I just fell in love with the denim and bling lol

You need to take care of yourself first! And if your brother has always been so mean to you, I think the idea of sending a card wishing them well is just fine, rather than put yourself in a financial bind to travel for the wedding.

My friends and family know to not bother inviting me to a destination wedding. It's costly enough to go to a wedding in the city; no way am I spending thousands of dollars to go to a wedding that is out of the Province or Country, especially when the bride and groom live where I do.  Besides destination weddings are combined wedding/honeymoon. After the wedding day, they will want to be off on their own as newly weds, not having an entourage around to entertain.
 

This is just my 2 cents... First of all you should never feel bad about buying something special for yourself, especially when it makes you feel special.  ...and by the way, that big smile that you have says exactly how you feel wearing your new outfit "beautiful"

Never feel bad about doing something that makes you feel good about yourself!  

I'm sorry you can't attend your brothers wedding but like others have said, it was his choice to have it out of state and he knew the expense for family to come to the wedding before they planned it. 

Sometimes we have to make choices and prioritize what is needed most.  Bills have to be paid and yes you should have a car.  Plus it's not like saving the money that you would have spent on clothes would have paid for a plane ticket.  You should always take care of your family first and everyone should understand that and if they don't then ignore them because they are selfish. 

I think pretty much all of us have said you are doing the right thing so feel good about that and don't let them worry you.  Be happy!     Hugs to you!    

Thanks for all the support

Aside from fighting the chest infection/pneumonia & bronchitis, I am feeling better about all this