:( I am sorry... Here I am again!

I got a letter in the mail yesterday.

I've been having (sorry for TMI) problems.

Blood in my urine for the last 4 years. Abdominal pain, that is normal for me, and loosing weight. (I thought weight loss was due to change in diet). After lots of bladder infection tests, each coming back negative, and being treated for a bladder infection, one dr finally did something different. She sent my urine in to be tested for abnormal cells.

The letter I got scared the living Krap out of me, made all the arguments over politics moot in my mind, who cares really? Everyone go vote for what you believe. That is all I have to say about that.

In the letter it said "A few papillary urothelial cell clusters seen and low grade urothelial malignancy cannot be ruled out" I know it isn't sayin I HAVE cancer. BUT... it scares me. My mom passed from cancer 9.12.01. WHY did I have to read malignancy in a letter about myself NOW? I was already emotional about loosing my sister (9.11.02) and my mom at this time. I know I have a more positive chance of NOT being ill at this point. I just cant stop crying, and fearing, and that isn't helping me any. I just need some positivity. I need some encouragement. I fear telling my family, it would cause unneeded worry and stress with them at this point. It is easier to tell aquantinces and strangers because they don't have an emotional involvement with me. 

I am scared. I need to call my Dr. on Monday morning to get this thing figured out. I am STRONGLY URGED to seek out a uroogist for further evaluation. I was told that 2 years ago leaving the hospital for a bowel obstruction.  I went to Lamedeer (my people's reservation) and I have been having regular check ups and tests done through them.  No matter how slim that chances are for this being bad, or becoming bad, I am having a really hard time refocusing on the positive. My hubby has herniated disc in his neck and cannot work. I have scoliosis and spondylosis, and diagnosed with sprained back and neck, from an injury in May. It hasn't healed, and it may be worse then I think. Neither one of us are working right now because of our backs andnecks. I am just stressed, then our one vehicle stopped starting. Those things are all i can think about at this moment, and I am trying so so so hard to find something positive to think about instead. Maybe you wonderful people here can help me refocus. I don't want to be negative.

On the positive side, my nephew born at 24weeks is home and doing very well. He is on oxygen, because his lungs aren't working quite right.  But out of everything that could have been wrong, and there are no signs of all the other things, just the lungs, I am very very very thankful and happy about that. He is now 6 monthhs, almost 7 months old now.

Thank you

Be safe.

The only thing that helps me to not worry is to strategize and attack... and lots and lots of googling.

If I were you, I would be trying to figure out anything I could do to support the health of my bladder. I imagine part of that would be drinking lots of water.

I have not had to bring my car to a mechanic in a very long time because of the instruction I have received from youtube videos and help from online forums.

I love water. I am not a pop or sugared beverage drinker. Nor do I drink or smoke. I drink lots of water, and even cranberry juice even though I hate it with a passion.  Having an allergy to caffine also helps me to stay away from pop. Too much sugar makes me feel sick, so I really don't care for that kind of drink.  I eat lots of fruits and veggies, from our garden. I will google more on bladder health though. I am so stuck on that one word, that my mind doesn't seem to be thinking rationally at this time.

Hubby usually fixes the truck, but we are behind on rent, and that is where our money is going at this time. Plus the herniated disc in his neck is pressing halfway into his spinal cord, and one slip, a car accident, etc could result in his becoming a quadropalegic. I've been very scared of that for a few months now. We are working through the Department of Vocation Rehabilitaon for almost a year to get his neck fixed. He needs surgery. We are having problems getting the funding to pay for it though.

I know in my heart things will get better, my mind is so stuck on the one word, it is having trouble getting past it. I want nothing more then to be held by my mom right now and told everything will be okay. Though if she were to hold me, it would be in welcoming me to heaven.  That's really not where I want to be.  I want to be here, with my family, and my friends. (My girls being part of my family. I love my kitties more then anyting in the world.)

Be safe, and ty. I will hit google up and research bladder health.

I just want to say I am sorry for all that you and your husband are dealing with.  It sounds like your plate was already full before you got his letter.  Can you call the doctor or the lab that the letter came from and try to get an explanation as to what this really means.  It seems like a doctor should have called you with this information, rather than sending you a letter in the mail.  Please try to focus your mind elsewhere until you talk to someone who can tell you exactly what lies ahead in regards to your bladder health. l am wishing you the best.

The doctor did call me before she sent the letter. The call came in while I was talking to my DVR cousnseller.  She wants to talk to me personally before I do anything else. She is a very wonderful woman, and I am thankful that SHE got my case when she did. The other dr.s I got just kept telling me, all was fine since there was no infection. 

I believe the creator never gives us more then we can handle, and it is always to help us become stronger. I had a bad night. Couldn't sleep at all. My legs would just not be still, and I woke up feeling like I climbed a mountain, all my muscles were sore. I always thought this kind of thing couldn't possibly happen to me. Not that I HAVE it, just that it is a possiblity.

I am trying to refocus. It is getting easier, and has been throught the day. I will definately be on the road to more info tomorrow morning. I will let my DVR counseler, and my Equine Therapist know about the letter, and they will understand the shift in my stress level, or any other odd personality signs I may suddenly have.

Be safe. Thank you. I appreciate the suggestions, It makes me feel good to know that I am making the decisions that others feel is right at this time.

I just got up from a nap, and my sweet 8 yr old Manxie was cuddled under the covers with me as I slept. I fear her getting old, and I fear her leaving me. I know my girls are only on loan from the creator, and he will call them back when it is their times. I just try to stay focused on soaking in as much love from them as I can, and doing everytjing in my power to make them happy, and know they are loved. (Spoiled, but loved)

I am so sorry you are going through all this. It is sad to welcome you back under such circumstances. Many vibes that things improve and that your own health is not as bad as you fear.

That's a very scary letter to receive at what has to be an extremely emotional time for you because of those sad anniversaries. Have you talked to the doctor yet? You need further tests, that's clear, because there's a possibility of cancer. That's all the letter is really saying. It's frightening to hear and something you won't be able to stop thinking about until the tests have been done and the results are in. A lot of people here have been in similar situations and can empathize - just think of all the mammograms that turn up suspicious shadows or lumps, irregular moles, cysts, etc.. Most of the time the news from the biopsies is good - the shadows are just shadows and the lumps or cysts are benign. And if they're not, there are so many successful treatments available nowadays.

Telling you to stop worrying won't help, but telling you that many people here can understand what you're going through and are pulling for you might. Hang in there, and vent whenever you need to. that you're going to get much better news than you fear.

I'm one of the people Tricia mentioned that had the bad mammogram and had to go for a biopsy. Luckily it came back clear, but I was beyond terrified. I get how you are feeling. :nod: The sooner you get the tests done the sooner you will feel in control. Feeling in control makes a big difference. My sister-in-law has been on a roller coaster lately with her cancer. Although the news for her wasn't good, it could have been worse and she has a plan now and feels in control so she can mentally deal with it a bit better.


Hang in there!

TY Control... I hadn't thought of that.  My life has been out of my control since ... well, pretty much this year.  I am so not sure where everything is going, that I feel like I am coming off wrong to everyone I try to communicate with.  Thank you for the insight.  Yeah I do need more tests. I called my Dr. today, and talked to her nurse. Her nurse couldn't really tell me anything, but she is supposed to call me back.  I need to go to Billings Montana. Lamedeer does contract care if I lived on the reservation. Since I don't, I will be responsable for the bill. I keep telling myself everything will be fine. This is just a scare from the Creator to let me know I need to take better care of myself, and set my priorities in order.

I met my Equine Therapist today, she seems like someone I could be friends with socially. I start my Therapy on Wed. the 12th. I didn't know it was the 12th until I accepted the appointment. Then when they said it was the 12th I broke down. That is the anniversary of my mom's passing. She asked if I wanted to change it. I said no, it was perfect. The best day for me to start. I won't be home all day that way.

I am much more positive now then I was earlier. My posistivity just isn't so easy to find as of late. I am sorry for that. I don't mean to bring it all here, but this has always been the most supportive place with the best people i ever knew. 

Be safe.

Awww hun lots of positive healthy for you!

It's nice to see you back just sad why but we are all here for support for you

I am so sorry to hear of your difficulties, financially and medically.

Have either one of you applied for disability? I had to when I got to the point I spent more time in the hospital than I did at home. I tried by myself first, then hired a lawyer. I wish I had done that first. I don't get much, but it keeps a roof over our heads and the lights on. If you have worked and now you can't you deserve help . You don't seem like any kind of deadbeat that just wants to sit around and collect a check, and I cannot imagine you would be married to one.            

I hope things improve for both of you. You will be in my prayers.

You know, it's funny that you should post this because now I'm in the same boat. I got a letter today from my gyno saying I have to call because of abnormal test results. I'm like you, the first thought is the "C" word. Apparently, they tried to call my cell phone numerous times, but they never left a message and I don't answer my phone if I don't recognize the number.

Anyway, I'm trying not to get freaked out but it's hard. BUT, to put it into perspective, a few years ago I got my first mammogram and I got a call a few weeks later from my PCP saying he wanted me to have a biopsy. Biopsy equals cancer in my mind, so I was in tears when I called the diagnostic center to make the appointment. The women on the phone explained that they just wanted to find out what a mass was, 95% either calcium deposits or fibroid tissue. Had the biopsy and it was nothing but a deposit. Also, when I was in college, I got another one of those wonderful notes in the mail saying I had pre-cancerous cells, stage one. After a biopsy, I had an infection that was cleared up with antibiotics. But, again, I was scared out of my mind.

Bottom line is, it could be anything. Don't think the worst right now until you get the whole story and get all the tests they want.   It's good to see you back, even though the circumstances suck. We're here for you.

*sigh* I feel a bit dumb now. I feel better, hearing from all of you who have been in similar situations. This is my first experience with anything like this.

Hubby is in the works with social security right now. At least something temporary. For me, Scoliosis, Spondylosis, and "sprained back" isn't enough to ofically keep me from working. I have a choice, lie and say I can do everything, lifting, bending, twisting, stooping, etc. Or I can be honest and tell them about my injury. I did get a job for almost two weeks!! They were willing to work with me with my injury, and I did it well. I cleaned tall windows, taller then me. I swept, vaccuumed, and mopped(for one day) Every day I went home, almost unable to move. I was in a lot of pain, and stiff.  My DVR counseler told me she didn't think it was the right fit for me, and encouraged me to end my employment. I chose not to listen, but after my day off of thinking about it, I figured I should listen. I went in and told them I had to quit through tears. I got offered a position at front desk, unfortunately, the position was already promised to somoene else.

I earned one paycheck, that was enough to pay my phone for one more month. Debating on doing the same thing again, get a job for a week or so, earn some money, then quit because it is too hard on my back and neck. Hubby didn't want me to take the job in the first place, had he been in my shoes, he would have done the same thing as me.  If I can get an MRI, I could get solid proof that ther IS or ISN'T something more wrong with my back/neck, then I will know what to do from there.  IF there is an injury there, then maybe I could get some help getting it fixed. A back sprain shouldn't last from may 14th til today. I've been taking it somewhat easy (My hubby can't do much because of his herniated discs). I took the meds they gave me, and muscle relaxers. I don't think I will qualify for any kind of disability because I have no definate diagnosis to keep me from working. It comes down to the fact that I am a liability to who ever hires me, and that keeps me unemployed.

Without employment, I have more time on my hands, and recent events have had my mental spiraling to places I don't like. I tried to stay away for fear of being negative or overly dramatic. I just got to the point that I needed to talk to people who may understand parts of what is happening, and could give me 'been there, done that, and came out fine, and stronger' advice and stories. That's why I came here. 

I called my Dr. but she was too busy today to get back to me. Her nurse called, and didn't really know exactly what my Dr. wanted to talk to me about. I think they will be making me an appointment for a specialist in Billings (2 hr drive from here). I guess I just wait now. I feel more at ease now. Seeing some familure names have helped. I felt like I walked into the wrong classroom, and all the people I thought were in my class were actually in the next. Awkward!  Having a set date to start my Equine Therapy, meeting my therapist, and talking to her with my cousneler helped me a lot. They laughed at me a lot, and called me 'cute' and 'funny'. They also agreed I had great 'insight' and 'self awareness'. I think things will start looking up now. Ty ty ty ty It's great to see all you again.

My avatar is my dad and I. I did the fb/tcs thing, and it uploaded my profile pic here. I had no idea that would happen, but I should have expected it. I love my dad.  I appreciate the vibes, support, stories, questions, advice, vibes, prayers, welcome backs, and patience. I'm on a rough road right now, and feeling lonely. Now I don't feel so alone, and negative.

be safe.

sorry so dang long, I wish I could write less. I should write novels for a living.

Post as long and as many times as you need to. If it makes you feel better, we all want to help.
 

Ty Krazy Kat2 (I'm sorry I don't know/remember names)

I talked to my Dr. today.

She sounded upbeat, and not too worried, so that calmed me down A LOT. She had me apply for Medicaid. I'm in Wyoming, and she thought maybe since Billings and Sheridan were so close to the boarder of Wyoming/Montana that it might cross over. She will be looking for places that might be able to help us financially while giving me the tests I may need.  She also said once I apply for Medicaid, she will get me a referral for an MRI. She knows I will have to self pay (Unfortunately I can't anyway)

Hubby fixed the Truck today, even thought he isn't supposed to be crawling under vehicles. It was a wire that came undone from the starter, so it wasn't getting power. He was very pleased with himself, as was I.

I rearranged my living room today (I souldn't have, I am hurting now), so I feel better. I can't stand my area to be the same for very long. I haven't been able to do much, not even vaccuum(sp?), so I pushed myself, and I hurt, but feel good.

We are having a D&D game on Thursday, with our characters we'd played for 3 years straight.

I have a lot of things looking up, and finding more to focus on.

I wasn't overwhealmed with 9/11 images and news like years past (always reminds me of my mom's passing). I got my memorial to my mom on FB done, so now I feel better. Now I plan to focus on the GOOD memories of her, and how much fun we had together.  Plus, today (Wed) I start my Equine Therapy. I get to meet a horse, and interact with it. I am the first of my DVR counseler's clients to do Equine Therapy.

I expect and plan on today (9.12) being a good day. I am sure tears will find their way to the surface. Especially if my Mother In Law stops by. She means well, but she is so freaked out by the letter I got, and yells when she is excited. I can't take yelling well. It freaks me out. By the time she left, I was shaking and in tears. She takes everything so seriously and gets so excited. Wonderful woman, loves me to death, means well, wants to help in anyway possible. She wanted me to call my Dr. Every five minutes until I talked to her. I said I would, but I didn't. LoL

Be safe.

Sending good thoughts your way that all be will OK. Good luck with your tests.

I'm one of those who has had funky mammograms, too, and need biopsies from time to time. It's beyond scary and cancer is always the first thing that comes to mind. Went through that again this past spring, in fact, and it's terrifying.

And I have four hierniated disks in my lower back; sometimes the pain from my back is unreal. My doctor says I'm very lucky, though, because we've found that as long as I walk every single day, I can ward off the really bad pain. When I do too much, like moving furniture, boxes and such around or spend too much time bending down in the garden, I take a bunch of Advil and go to bed for the night. By the next morning, I'm decent again. Disk problems are no fun. Sometimes the stupidest thing will set it off and the pain can last for days on end. I know how your husband feels; it's not pretty.

 for you and I hope you'll be OK. (And it's good to see you back here.)

Ty Winchester.

I have my second Equine therapy session tomorrow. My first last week was on the 12th (11th anniversary of my mom's passing) I had to sit there for an hour and 45 minutes talking about my childhood. Kinda bringing up things that may have been traumatic to my growing mind. Afterward, she had me pick a horse that reminded me most of my mom. I turned to look at the three horses. One was walking towards me. I asked if it was okay that a horse picked me. She said yeah. That horse was brown with dark maine and tail, like my mom, darker skin with almost black hair. I spent time with the horse(i'm not used to them). I picked grass and fed it. It kept walking ahead of me, and turning around to come back. I noticed another horse, brown with brown maine and tail coming up to me. I gave it attention also. Then the last one, whitish in color, came over too. I looked over at my therapist kind of uneasy, 3 horses all wanting my attention, and she had asked me to pick 1. Well she said I was okay, and I looked back at them as they formed a triangle around me. They stayed that way for probably 30 seconds. It was quite odd. Unexpected, but neat. I felt safe. Protected. Like I was a part of something. Like I belonged.

I found out yesterday that my 87 yr old grandfather is in the hospital. He has a large mass in his bladder (I laugh in irony at that situation, but definately not at his health), and is having trouble eating and moving his bowel. Just what I really wanted to hear. I felt numb as I was hearing this. Like my emotions were on vacation, and I felt really bad. I should have cried or worried, but it took about 5 hours for it to kinda start hitting me. This morning when I got up, (I didn't sleep last night between frequent bathroom visits and bad dreams .. and the Manxie waking me up) I was antsy to get to the hospital to see him. We got there and he was his normal self. He has this image of a grump. I see the smile and love sparkling in his eyes, and on his face while he is complaining. He is a stubborn old man, set in his ways since he was young. I love him so much. 87... Good long life. I am not ready to loose him yet. My hubby says that if death were to come for him right now, death would leave empty handed with a black eye!! LOL. I got really emotional when we left to go see him, but tried so hard not to let myself cry, or be all sad when I walked in the room. When I saw him and heard him joking, I knew he was better then I expected. Still a serious situation. His tummy is pretty big right now, and he doesn't want to eat(I completely understand, having similar issues and getting blocked up so easily myself).

I am eager for my appointment tomorrow. She told me I could call her between visits if I needed to talk, or felt overwhealmed. I never do, even if I am feeling like I need to. If I did, I fear overburdening her. I keep to myself mostly. I fear pushing people away by talking about all the stresses and worries in my life, but yet there some people are, inviting me to 'dump' on them. I just can't do it. I just don't want to put more stress or negativity into other's lives no matter how much they want to listen or help. I just wonder why all this is coming down on me now. I hope I figure it out, and learn what ever lesson it is I need to learn SOON, so people around me don't have to be getting sick or hurt. I pray to the Creator that I don't have to have one of my girls fall ill to learn what ever lesson I need. To have one of my girls suffer for my not learning the lesson the Creator wants me to learn would break my heart so badly. It's not fair that others have to suffer for me to learn.

Trying to keep my focus on the positive, not doing so bad at it. Getting stronger ... I think.

Ty again.

Be safe.

Oh yeah... still waiting on word from Medicade. Not sure how long it will take. Probably 2 or 3 more weeks. *shrugz* Well, at least I applied. I should have done it months ago, just never thought I would qualify.