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post #1 of 102
Thread Starter 
Guys, I've got my handsful right now! As most of you know I've been chatting online with a guy named Ric. It's going awesome...absolutely awesome. BUT...my ex called me a couple of weeks ago asking if I'd meet him in Omaha. At the time, I was leary but we do have some issues to talk about(for one, he's freaking married...which he's told me for the past 3 1/2 years that he's getting a divorce). So, we planned on him flying from Chicago tomorrow. Everything was fine until Ric asked me what I was going to do on my days off. I told him I was meeting a "friend"...I didn't lie, I just neglected to tell him everything in fear of what he'd think. Well, he called tonight & asked me if I'd like to stop by his house on my way to Omaha. I told him it wasn't a good idea and he started asking questions. I finally told him who I was actually going to meet & he seemed a little hurt by it. He has every right to be that way...we've been chatting since July. But I decided to stop by his place to meet him anyway...

Here's the dilemma...I know that Bill (my ex) is wanting me back but I don't want to get back with him. Since we are meeting in Omaha, we'll have to stay at a hotel. I'm sure he's expecting me to be intimate with him especially since he's made a few comments about that. However, I don't want to. I'm way too emotional when it comes to things like that & I don't want to be used. BUT...he's so damn persuasive (sp?) & for some reason I get suckered into his scheme. He's such a smooth talker and he knows that I've always been a sucker for that.
I told Ric what my intentions were...which is to tell Bill that I don't want to see him anymore & that I'm moving on with my life with out him. Ric said that he understood and that it's my perogative to do what I want. I just feel like I gave Ric the wrong impression of how I really am. He made the comment that I'll probably do something I'll regret later (being intimate)....and that bothers me a lot! I have to be really strong tomorrow and resist his temptations. I really want this thing with Ric to work...or at least give it a good try. I'm just afraid that he thinks I'm just an "easy" kind of gal which I am NOT.
So now I'm nervous not only because I have to meet Ric for the first time, but also to drop the big bomb on Bill. I told Bill last week that I was kind of seeing someone & he dismissed it completely. I've been used enough by him & I pray that tomorrow won't be another time.

I'm sorry for dropping this load on you guys...I'm just stressed over this bigtime & needed to talk. Thank you all for being so kind in listening to me vent & worry.
post #2 of 102
Michelle, you know what you want to do, and you just need to stick by your guns when you see Bill. He's not your boyfriend, he's your ex. And if he's married and hasn't gotten a divorce in the 3 1/2 years he's been seeing you, well IMO he's a liar and a cheat. Keep that first and foremost in your mind, and those sweet words will just ring hollow. Can you stay in a separate hotel room? Do you HAVE to stay over in Omaha? I know it's a long drive, but staying in the same room is just too much temptation, and besides that it's not a safe situation for you to be in. (Yes, I am paranoid, and yes, I do think that a man scorned could be capable of a lot of things that you may not see when you're dating.)

Be strong. You are a strong person. If nothing else, think of what you could be throwing away with Ric if you allow him to sweet talk you. You are in control. Just tell yourself that over and over on the drive there. You ARE in control!
post #3 of 102
I don't think sharing a hotel room with him is such a good idea. Can you drive home or even get a sperate hotel room?
post #4 of 102
Maybe to meet your old boyfriend may not be a good idea . It really sounds like that he wants you back for what ever reason he may have .If I would be you , I would not meet him any more at all . I would tell him on the phone what need to be said , no need to see him . He lie to you for so long who knows what kind of lie is comming out of his mouth now .His marriage must not mean a lot to him since he did not have a problem seeing you and lie to both woman he loves ( ? ) . I do understand if you still have feelings for him , you have been with him for a long time ...I don't know Shell , but it is up to you . You may not like what I said here , but for sure I will not lie to you . You are to sweet to be used by a man
post #5 of 102
Thread Starter 
Thanks Heidi. I know the right thing to do is not be with him, but for some reason he's got this "power" over me. It's like I just fall limp when he's around. I loved him so much & he gave me empty promises. That's why I broke it off in the first place. I couldn't handle the guilt of it all & he had no intentions of following through on his promises to me.

As for the Hotel room, I asked him to have 2 beds. He doesn't arrive until 6 pm tomorrow, so it doesn't work out with me going home that night. It's going to be hard...so very hard. I tried so hard for him to follow through with everything and all I got was major heartache. It will be extremely hard to tell him that I don't want to see him ever again. I now wish I didn't agree to meet him up there. It's so stupid...but yet it brings closure to everything. He's not a violent man at all...quite the gentle giant, but thank you for your concern. If I feel at all pressured, I'll come home. If I have to I'll get my own room.

I just hate this feeling. Part of me is so excited to meet Ric, but a part of me is dreading tomorrow with a passion. Just wish me luck...I'm sticking to my guns this time damnit. I'm not going through this crap again!
Thanks again Heidi for your support!
post #6 of 102
You seem like a smart girl, You know what you should do. It is hard to let things go because people tend to remember the good times and want to make things have happy endings. If he is still married after three years I wouldn't even waste my time. Maybe you will meet ric and like him so much you will decide to blow off the trip to see the ex As far as staying in a hotel, I would get my own room for sure. On a different floor or in a whole different hotel is possible. If you are staying in the same room as him he is going to expect something for sure!
When dh and I were dating we had a big fight a broke up for about a month but still saw each other every few days and did things broken up people shouldn't do It is kinda hard not to fall back into those patterns. I started dating rich the same day I had broken up with my ex and when me and my ex had the final talk after me and rich had been dating for over a month my ex kissed me!! I was only 17 so that was kinda a big deal and I almost kissed him right back because that is just want I was used to. Anyway! The point to my story is try to keep a clear head. This ric guy sounds like he really likes you!!
post #7 of 102
Thread Starter 
Hedi, I agree with you 100%. I'm not at all offended or anything by your words. I've known this all along. I just kept telling myself that he'll do this & everything will be perfect. He's a wonderful man, but I can't trust him...honestly don't know if I ever trusted him deep down. I hate the thought of being the mistress and how I'm wrecking a family....but it's not all my fault. He's partly to blame for this too. He's wife found out once about him seeing me, but now she's in denial about it all. It looks like he know exactly how to play & manipulate women...and I don't want any part of it anymore.

Thanks again Hedi. It means a lot to me!
post #8 of 102
Good luck Shell!
post #9 of 102
Thread Starter 
Thanks Val! It's going to be tough, but I know I have to do it. I'd feel horrible for blowing him off...he spent a lot of money to come to Nebraska for this. He's footing the entire bill. Like I said, I'm going to have to play it by ear...if I feel pressured at all, I'm outta there. I'm not chancing anything...for myself or for my new relationship with Ric.

I'm so nervous and scared to meet him! I just hope I don't come across like a goober! I just wish it was all over with...why can't it be Tuesday already?
post #10 of 102
Thread Starter 
Thanks Viva!
post #11 of 102
Hmmmm , why don't you just let him wait and don't go at all . I think he would get the message and you don't have to use any words at all .... Just a idea to think about
post #12 of 102

Sometimes the chemistry between two people, are such that love and lust get confused. Men, who have this sort of magnetism, know this and play it to the hilt. Using everything from guilt tactics ("You used to love me, so what's the harm?") To trying to sweep you again off your feet and be swarmy, they will try every trick in the book. The fact that he is married and has stayed married to his wife should be a huge red flag to you right now. I don't know what issues you have to discuss with him, nor do I want to. I know when my ex-husband contacted me 7 years ago, first time in over 20 years, we had real issues to discuss because we were married to each other.Had we just been boyfriend, girlfriend, I would have told him to take a hike and meant it. But we had grief issues to discuss and some anger at each other that needed to be resolved, and now we are good friends again. But we also had a 14 year fairly extensive history together.Ten of which we were married.

Don't do anything you will later regret and get caught up in the moment and carried back to the way "it was." Meet him in a neutral place, get another hotel room at ANOTHER hotel, don't let him wine and dine you and remember that on the other end of a tomorrow a better man waits to still get to know you.

Good luck
post #13 of 102
Thread Starter 
I know...I should do that. It's just so mean & I'd feel even worse. I just can't do that to him. I do think I need some closure...I need to get things off of my chest & I'm gonna let him have it too. I'm going to tell him about how awful all of this is...and I'm telling him about Ric. He's just going to have to accept my decision. He always told me if I found someone new, he'd completely understand since he can't give me everything I deserve. Well...he'll find out all about that tomorrow.
post #14 of 102
I don't have any advice for you I'm sorry Shell but I can wish you luck! I hope everything works out with you & Ric

YOU are in control.

post #15 of 102
Em, if i were you i'd skip Ric on the way up. I'd go see your ex, tell him what you have to say and drive back the same day.
If you have to stay, sleep in the car.

Two things to remember here are:
1... You don't owe your ex ANYTHING.
He has no right to make you feel like you need to go anywhere to see him, or explain anything to him... If he is making you feel obligated to tie loose ends up, he is probably doing so for his own twisted reasons...

2... No one has the right to EXPECT any one else to be intimate with them, especially if he's married.

Please don't take this the wrong way, but if someone has been using you, and at the same time cheating on his wife and suckering you into his schemes... is he even worth the drive up? Wouldn't you rather just go see a movie with Ric? From the sounds of it, Ric seems pretty nice.

I mean if your ex is so far away, it won't be too hard to just avoid him, and all his calls... that's what i did with my ex... i told everyone i know, i didn't want to speak to him, talk to him, see him, know about his life... etc etc etc. I ignored ALL his email, his phone calls, his messages... eventually, he just gave up.

I don't hate men one bit, but there are some bad apples that just give the rest of the good apples a bad name...

Shell, be strong. There's nothing that can't be said on the phone... Don't get sucked back into something that's just going to make you feel bad, and make you upset.

You don't need it.

You always sound so happy in your posts and stuff, and you sound like such a nice person... There's no way Ric has the wrong impression of you, he probably is just worried for you.

Why is your ex in Omaha anyway?
Any reason?
post #16 of 102
Thread Starter 
Thanks Maryanne! That was so sweet..it literally brought tears to my eyes. You said it perfectly.

I try to be a strong person, but actually I'm weak when it comes to men in my life. He knows that and he's playing on that factor.

As for the issues, it's mainly about his marriage & how he wants to get back together. He swears that he's going to file, but then the excuses come out. Too busy, it'll hurt his daughter, new job...and the list goes on. I mainly want to tell him to his face that he's hurt me & I want him to feel bad for hurting me. Will he feel bad? Maybe...if he has a heart at all. If he is truly just using me, then no he won't be affected one bit. He'll certainly act it though...make me feel guilty, but it's not going to work.

Thanks again MA...you hit the nail on the head with that one!
post #17 of 102
Thread Starter 
Thanks Suraya. You spoke the truth...completely.

As for why he's coming to Nebraska, he had that he needed to talk to me about "us". I told him at the time that we've said all that we could say to each other about it. He hasn't come right out and said that he wants me back, but I can tell by what he says. Mainly I think that he wants me to see him because he hasn't seen me since March & he's feeling "needy". Well, it's not going to happen. I swear to God I'm not letting this happen. I'm going to say my speech & listen to his...and we part our seperate ways. I'm washing my hands clean of him completely.
post #18 of 102
Shell, check your PM's
post #19 of 102
Thread Starter 
Back at ya Sue!
post #20 of 102
Why don't you call his wife and have her meet him there instead? Then you can go out with Rick and have a blast. Let him explain why he is in a hotel room waiting for someone else. I say he doesn't deserve another minute of your time. He has waisted enough of your life and you have other better things to do with your time now.
post #21 of 102
Originally posted by DragonLady
Why don't you call his wife and have her meet him there instead? Then you can go out with Rick and have a blast. Let him explain why he is in a hotel room waiting for someone else. I say he doesn't deserve another minute of your time. He has waisted enough of your life and you have other better things to do with your time now.
Good One!

Shell, whatever happens, we're all here for you, and you'll always be our 'Queen of Hugs' no matter what!

Good Luck sweeeteeeeee

post #22 of 102

I know we don't know eachother that well, but I do know that you are a very sweet and very wonderful gal, and that this ex of yours doesn't deserve you.

If you feel you have to see him and talk to him to get closure then I totally support that. You know you have to be strong, and do this for yourself. Just remember what you have told us. This guy is very luring! Do *not* fall into his traps.

If it were me... I wouldn't even share a two bed hotel room with him. I would not put myself in any hotel room with himi by myself. He will be tempted or probably will try to persuade you to do something you will regret. Also, being that you are going to let loose on him and tell him everything it will be an emotional time for you, and you don't want him to take advantage of you or that situation.

IMO, you should just meet him for lunch or dinner in a restaurant (very casual restaurant) where you are in the public eye, and he'll be less likely able to use his tactics against you. Tell him exactly how you feel and how he was a total jackass and hurt you. Then tell him you've met a great guy (Ric) and that you're happy getting to know this guy. Pay your bill, get up.. walk out.. and drive over to Ric's with the good news!

Good luck sweety. You have my support 100% of the way.
post #23 of 102
hey shell,

i really feel the same way u do... but i hope u will understand one thing..getting intimate does not make things change.. it doesn't mean that he will not be married or anything... he might really want u back but he hasn't done anything to tell u that he is trying to get u back... he hasn't gotten a divorce and stuff like that.. i agree with what the rest say.. get another room.. it's tough meeting him to talk abt things that happened in the past and it's gonna be even worse in the same room. please take our advice.

as for ric, i believe if u really wish to start something with him then be fair to him. let him know your intentions and how u feel towards your ex... end everything with your ex before starting anything with ric... he really sounds like somebody nice and i do believe u guys stand a chance. u know what i've gone thru and it really feels hurt when things are not settled between me and my ex and yet he goes for another... it's tough on everyone.

i'm not sure if it makes sense to u at all..but i do hope it helps..
post #24 of 102
Well my honest opinon is if you want things to work out with Ric(or have a chance at it) i would'nt go and see the ex. JMO
post #25 of 102
I am just seeing this Shell.

I agree with Hissy - the chemistry between two people can be that it is confused between love and lust. I know, I went through that with someone before I met Jake. He really confused me and I made a clean break and now I am free of my feelings for him.

It is better to cut a clean break, get on with your life, obviously he has gotten on with his and please do not let him interfere in yours - you do not deserve to have him mess up your potential relationship with Ric.

I dont want to offend you, please use your head.

Hugs going your way
post #26 of 102
Shell, you don't owe him anything. It doesn't matter that he is paying to go to Omaha to meet up with you. Being married negates any debt. He is a user, a manipulator, and you owe it to yourself to cut off all contact with him. Really, DO NOT HAVE ANY MORE CONTACT WITH HIM.

There is nothing you can resolve by talking to him or seeing him again. You can only fix your own self esteem by staying away, and being strong. And think, are you willing to let him ruin your future as well? He may be able to say nice things to you if you see him, but that is just another chapter in the old book, where he's done this to you for years and years. Remember how he's done this before? He just wants to keep you on a hook, so he has options. Don't fall for it.

You don't need to see him to say anything, because he will not be listening. Write it down for yourself, then file it away.

How do I know this? Because I have fallen for this time and time again. And believe me, being able to say "No, I don't even have time to meet you for coffee at work, sorry. So there is no point in you driving 6 hours to drop in", felt really really good. That resolved any issues I might have had.

And the more I think about this, the more I suspect that he has had another woman on the hook for the past 6 months. You broke up with him in March. Then, suddenly in September he feels the "need" to see you again? I'd bet anything that he had someone else in the meantime, not just his wife, who just dumped him. So don't fall for it. Don't have anything to do with him.
post #27 of 102

Your setting yourself up for an emotional roller coaster ride.
I think it is a big mistake to stay involved with your ex in any capacity. You deserve so much more! Don't let yourself get caught up in this tangled mess. Run!!!!

My ex-husband cheated on me after 12 years of marriage. After his 2 year relationship with the woman he left me for failed, he came crawling back to me. I turned him away. I still loved him and cared for him, but could not subject myself or my children to any more of his head games. People don't change (as a rule).

I sense that your telling your ex that there's another man in the picture has only added fuel to the fire. He will try his darndest to win you over. It's a game that cheating men (& women) play. They want what they can't have (until the life has been sucked out of their victim).

I would just meet Ric for dinner somewhere. Tell the ex to get on with his life. If he's not happy with his new wife. . . then he should seek counseling and possibly end that relationship before hurting more people.

You don't owe him a thing. If you want closure. . . write him a long letter.

Good luck.

post #28 of 102
I'm just seeing this thread now!

Shell, chikk, you know what you need to do. You are finally getting on with your life, new job, new fitness strategy, etc. You have to look out for yourself and not worry about him. He's a man who wanted to have his cake and eat it too. He had no problems doing this for the years he was with you, and nothing he says today is going to reverse that.

If it were me, I would NOT meet him. I'd give him a call and tell him to discuss any issues over the phone. At that point, I would say anything else that needs to be said and end it right there and then. If you want him to know how much he hurt you, do it over the phone, NOT in a hotel room!!!

He knows he has a power over you, and he is taking advantage of that by getting you to meet him at the HOTEL! He wants a booty call, probably to pump up his self esteem and to confirm that he still has a hold on you!!!

Please don't reduce yourself by playing into his needs. Also, if you know you go 'weak' around his presence, why are you even meeting him in person???? The phone is the best way to go IF you still have things to say to him.

It's time to stand up for what you want in YOUR life, not what he wants in HIS.

Can you tell I have a strong opinion on this subject????
post #29 of 102
Shell, why are you even CONSIDERING seeing this lying, cheating piece of dreck! Surely, you can do better. Its quite obvious that something has happened in his life and he's going to try to use you to prop his ego.

He's expecting you to drive all that way to meet him AND share a motel room. What an arrogant SOB! I think that you've said before, that you met him on the Internet. He's probably one those jerks, like MY ex, who trolls the Web looking for some action.

If you DO go to see him, try to sneak some Ben-Gay into the crotch of his shorts. Let him explain THOSE blisters to his wife!
post #30 of 102
Thread Starter 
Ok Guys...I just got off the phone with him. I told him that I could not go up there & see him. I told him that he plays with my emotions & I can't handle that anymore. I'm moving on in my life and I don't need that pressure anymore. I told him that I've been trying so hard to move forward, but every time I hear from him I feel like I'm back pedaling. He asked me why I can't see him ever again and I just blew up. I told him "Because you're &*#%ing married..that's why! You've promised me for 3 1/2 years that you were going to follow through, but you have no intentions of doing that.". His reply was "Yeah, I know.".

I'm done with him...I can't handle this kind of stress anymore. I need to look towards the future & never look back to that relationship again. I do believe that everything happens for a reason. I think it was a way to make me a stronger person & to show me that I need some growing up to do yet.

Thank you everyone for your support. It truly means a lot to me! I just needed people telling me to snap out of this haze & start thinking about myself more. I need to be happy...that's one of the most important things. If I'm not happy, how can I make anyone else happy too?
Thanks once again! Love you all!
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