So much guilt. Please help.

I talked to her today. She was very sad I think she felt guilty because she saw him the day before his death and knew he wasn't acting right. That behavior could have been from so many things though. But it wasn't her fault. She didn't know for sure what happened, especially because she didn't even see how he was acting on his last day. She suspected a/many blood clots if she had to guess. And if that was the case then there wasn't anything they could have done most likely. I didn't have it in me to ask if it was low potassium, I was already holding back tears with all my might and I didn't want to make my husband, my vet and the 2 assistants cry because they probably would have . About 2-3 weeks prior his passing he had I think an angina attack? I don't know much about it, it was almost like mini heart failure I guess. It only lasted 20 mins and he was fine after that. But then with the more than frequent syncope/stroke?? episodes, and his inability to kick his infection I should have known this was soon coming. Maybe I'll ask sometime in the future once the pain isn't so much and I can hold myself together. I miss him so much. I keep thinking I'm seeing him everywhere, I can barely eat and what I do eat doesn't stay inside me

I told my vet the story about how the black kitten played around us as we buried him, and laid next to him as well. She personally thought it was very significant because animals usually won't lay near dead animals unless they were close to the animal. I try to believe that somehow it was Johnny being free again, outside playing like he always wanted to. As I left the office my vet hugged me and told me I was the best pet owner ever. I know shes not the kind of person to toss words like that around like nothing, it meant a lot to me she said that. Even if I'm not really the best pet owner ever, I know in her eyes (and in others) that I was the best person to have the privilege to be Johnny's owner. Every day that goes by is a day closer to seeing him again, I hope.

OH man.... you have me crying now. Only because I am glad that you have some more resolution to what happened to your Johnny. AND the black kitten dancing around the grave. I think you are a very courageous woman and will get through this grief period little by little. I hope that you coming here to TCS and talking our your emotions this way has brought you some peace. I look at my Wilbur right now, he is lying next to me as I type on the computer. I know the day is coming. It always does. It cannot be avoided or pushed to the back of our minds. It is life. But, why does it have to hurt so bad to lose them. I don't know why I have felt drawn to your thread, as I post in many Bridge threads. :dk: I think it is the deep, strong, intense connection you have with your Just like I have with my Wilbur. :heart3: Maybe it was the way you so intensely shared your deep emotions about him, it was straight from your heart to hand here on the computer. That just struck me.

My thoughts & prayers are with you, Johnny was a very lucky kitty to be so loved by you. May God bless you & help you through this.

Christine
 

Feralvr said:

OH man.... you have me crying now.

Only because I am glad that you have some more resolution to what happened to your

Johnny. AND the black kitten dancing around the grave. I think you are a very courageous woman and will get through this grief period little by little. I hope that you coming here to TCS and talking our your emotions this way has brought you some peace. I look at my Wilbur right now, he is lying next to me as I type on the computer. I know the day is coming. It always does. It cannot be avoided or pushed to the back of our minds. It is life. But, why does it have to hurt so bad to lose them.

I don't know why I have felt drawn to your thread, as I post in many Bridge threads.

I think it is the deep, strong, intense connection you have with your

Just like I have with my Wilbur.

Maybe it was the way you so intensely shared your deep emotions about him, it was straight from your heart to hand here on the computer. That just struck me.

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 Posting here actually has helped a bit. It hurts to read the posts (my posts and other's posts), but it also helped a little somehow. I guess for me to be able to put his story out there and in a way say "Hey please look at this, I want the world to know how important he was to me and now I'm in pain.", and then to have others come in and tell me they've felt the same, relatable situation or not. I was thinking today all that I did for him. We bought a brand new second air conditioner for the other half of the apt and our elec bill went up $60 from it, just so he could be comfortable in every room of the house. I hand fed him sardines and yogurt, squeezed all the juice/gravy from cat food just for him to eat it. He wouldn't eat food (only dry) unless if I not only sat with him, but held the bowl for him. And I did it every day, many times a day. I sat here thinking in a moment of clarity that I truly would have done any thing in the world for him. Given up anything, traveled anywhere, bought him anything at the expense of buying food for myself that week. I would have done ANYthing for him. I just did everything he needed so naturally I never realized how much I changed my life, my money and my every day routines for him - I rarely left the house just to be with him constantly incase he needed something. I never even complained or regretted one moment of it, those thoughts didnt occur to me. Every day I was there to wake up groggy in the middle of the night to feed him I was grateful I had the opportunity to. I'd give so much just to feed him treats again, or feel his paw on my hand again. Sometimes I still hear him meow, but I can't hear it at the same time. It's been 8 days since he's passed and I still can't comprehend that he's gone. I don't know if this is normal or not? Or if it will ever change? It's extremely unsettling and I don't quite know what do with those feelings. It's like he's here somewhere in the apt, but I can't interact with him or find him, and I'm sad all the time and I feel completely lonely. I'm sad all day every day kinda in a haze, and then I actually remember WHY I'm sad and I just get frozen where I'm standing and can't even understand what happened. Since he died the past 8 days have felt like 1 very long cloudy dream (or nightmare?). I don't really know what to do with it.

I still have so many regrets, wishing I fed him a piece of my dinner that one time, or wishing I had let him sleep in the clothes instead of scooting him to do laundry that other time. Even if I did everything perfectly I know I'd still have regrets, I know we all do. I try hard not to think about them, that's time I could be thinking about how he made me feel safe every night when he would sleep on my head. It just hurts to think about those times is all. All I can give you for advice is take LOTS of pictures and videos. I wish I had more videos. You can never have enough of that kind of stuff. Start today, take a video or do something memorable with Wilbur today. Take a picture of him every single day. Even if he's sleeping, pictures help so much with memories. It crushes me to think of all the memories I've forgotten just because I can't remember them. My best friend told me something very smart, she said just because my mind can't remember them it doesn't mean my heart doesn't. And that's true, but I still wish I could just go back and remember him and the things we did even if they've been forgotten. 

SilentEarth said:

. Start today, take a video or do something memorable with Wilbur today. Take a picture of him every single day. Even if he's sleeping, pictures help so much with memories. It crushes me to think of all the memories I've forgotten just because I can't remember them. My best friend told me something very smart, she said just because my mind can't remember them it doesn't mean my heart doesn't. And that's true, but I still wish I could just go back and remember him and the things we did even if they've been forgotten.  :kitty2:

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I also have to hand feed Wilbur and get up many times at night to let him out to potty. I feel the same as you in that I don't mind and feel blessed that he is still with me. I do take many pictures and videos, and that is great advice. Those videos and pictures will bring great comfort someday. Yes - in your heart live all of those memories and dreams of your Johnny Forever. :heart3: :heart3:

I wish I could hold your hand and cry with you.  I have lost 4 cats in the last 2 months.  I am someone who does cat rescue/rehab/placement and I had trapped 2 feral cats from  my local high school.  I had been working with them and realized they would need a barn home.  I got a response from a craigslist ad that sounded like a perfect home and took my 2 boys over there.  I was not happy with the setup that the new owner had but I thought I would give it a try.  I always tell anyone who adopts from me that I will take my cats back if things don't work out, no questions asked.  Three days later I emailed this lady to see how they were doing and she said that she'd turned them out, that they weren't adapting.  She never said she was sorry and acted as though I were a foolish person for caring.  I was and continue to be devastated.  They were turned out into an area that they had never been in and didn't know their way around.  It takes about an hour for me to get there, I have to travel by ferry for part of the way, and I've gone out about a half dozen times looking for them and passing out flyers, all to no avail.  I feel like I sent these 2 innocent and trusting boys to their death.  I don't know if they are dead or alive, if they are starving or injured and I am depressed and upset every day. 

On top of that 2 of my own barn cats, a brother and siste, both with FIV, died within 2 weeks of each other; one from a sudden onset pneumonia and the other I had to put down because he had an enlarged heart. 

There is sadness and then there is going beyond sadness and not being able to find your way back.  I am filled with guilt over the 2 school cats, Nicky and Jessie, and grieving the loss of my beloved pets Julian and Joy.  At least with Julian and Joy I knew that they had lived happy and healthy lives, both were 14 years old and they were joyful and loving.  With Nicky and Jessie I will never know their fate and I feel that I should have been more vigilant in choosing their home. 

I have done cat rescue for 12 years and this is the first incident of this sort to ever happen.  I am still in touch with several people who have adopted from me who give me updates on their 'babies.'  I feel like I had a lapse in judgement and it has cost Nicky and Jessie their lives.  I placed them at the beginning of July and I am unable to get past my feelings of guilt and anger and self-hatred.  I don't know what to do to get past this and go forward. 

My cat died yesterday she was a six year old main coon. I'm sending my love to you xxxx

SheriK said:

I wish I could hold your hand and cry with you.  I have lost 4 cats in the last 2 months.  I am someone who does cat rescue/rehab/placement and I had trapped 2 feral cats from  my local high school.  I had been working with them and realized they would need a barn home.  I got a response from a craigslist ad that sounded like a perfect home and took my 2 boys over there.  I was not happy with the setup that the new owner had but I thought I would give it a try.  I always tell anyone who adopts from me that I will take my cats back if things don't work out, no questions asked.  Three days later I emailed this lady to see how they were doing and she said that she'd turned them out, that they weren't adapting.  She never said she was sorry and acted as though I were a foolish person for caring.  I was and continue to be devastated.  They were turned out into an area that they had never been in and didn't know their way around.  It takes about an hour for me to get there, I have to travel by ferry for part of the way, and I've gone out about a half dozen times looking for them and passing out flyers, all to no avail.  I feel like I sent these 2 innocent and trusting boys to their death.  I don't know if they are dead or alive, if they are starving or injured and I am depressed and upset every day. 
On top of that 2 of my own barn cats, a brother and siste, both with FIV, died within 2 weeks of each other; one from a sudden onset pneumonia and the other I had to put down because he had an enlarged heart. 
There is sadness and then there is going beyond sadness and not being able to find your way back.  I am filled with guilt over the 2 school cats, Nicky and Jessie, and grieving the loss of my beloved pets Julian and Joy.  At least with Julian and Joy I knew that they had lived happy and healthy lives, both were 14 years old and they were joyful and loving.  With Nicky and Jessie I will never know their fate and I feel that I should have been more vigilant in choosing their home. 
I have done cat rescue for 12 years and this is the first incident of this sort to ever happen.  I am still in touch with several people who have adopted from me who give me updates on their 'babies.'  I feel like I had a lapse in judgement and it has cost Nicky and Jessie their lives.  I placed them at the beginning of July and I am unable to get past my feelings of guilt and anger and self-hatred.  I don't know what to do to get past this and go forward. 

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Kittycatpaw said:

My cat died yesterday she was a six year old main coon. I'm sending my love to you xxxx

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My heart goes out to both of you. It is terribly painful to love so deeply and then to lose them. Although, love never dies. Never. :heart3: It is just in a different form and beyond what we can understand. But they are there in spirit. Mega vibes to you both and how you care for and love cats.

SheriK said:

I wish I could hold your hand and cry with you.  I have lost 4 cats in the last 2 months.  I am someone who does cat rescue/rehab/placement and I had trapped 2 feral cats from  my local high school.  I had been working with them and realized they would need a barn home.  I got a response from a craigslist ad that sounded like a perfect home and took my 2 boys over there.  I was not happy with the setup that the new owner had but I thought I would give it a try.  I always tell anyone who adopts from me that I will take my cats back if things don't work out, no questions asked.  Three days later I emailed this lady to see how they were doing and she said that she'd turned them out, that they weren't adapting.  She never said she was sorry and acted as though I were a foolish person for caring.  I was and continue to be devastated.  They were turned out into an area that they had never been in and didn't know their way around.  It takes about an hour for me to get there, I have to travel by ferry for part of the way, and I've gone out about a half dozen times looking for them and passing out flyers, all to no avail.  I feel like I sent these 2 innocent and trusting boys to their death.  I don't know if they are dead or alive, if they are starving or injured and I am depressed and upset every day. 

On top of that 2 of my own barn cats, a brother and siste, both with FIV, died within 2 weeks of each other; one from a sudden onset pneumonia and the other I had to put down because he had an enlarged heart. 

There is sadness and then there is going beyond sadness and not being able to find your way back.  I am filled with guilt over the 2 school cats, Nicky and Jessie, and grieving the loss of my beloved pets Julian and Joy.  At least with Julian and Joy I knew that they had lived happy and healthy lives, both were 14 years old and they were joyful and loving.  With Nicky and Jessie I will never know their fate and I feel that I should have been more vigilant in choosing their home. 

I have done cat rescue for 12 years and this is the first incident of this sort to ever happen.  I am still in touch with several people who have adopted from me who give me updates on their 'babies.'  I feel like I had a lapse in judgement and it has cost Nicky and Jessie their lives.  I placed them at the beginning of July and I am unable to get past my feelings of guilt and anger and self-hatred.  I don't know what to do to get past this and go forward. 

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Oh I'm so sorry, the pain of the loss of 4 must be so immense - I used to live in thick, scary woods and one time of of my cats got outside, on accident. He slipped out the backdoor and was so afraid that he hid under the deck right by the door just waiting for me to open it. I panicked when I saw he was outside and accidentally scared him away further (he was trying to get inside, but didnt want to run by me). He was gone for a full 24 hours and before the passing of Johnny, that was easily the worst day of my life. I understand the torture of "not knowing" where he was or what was happening to him. He did come back, and I was so relieved and so so thankful. Having no idea if he would come back, or if someone else found him or what was the WORST.

But also let me tell you this: I "rescued" 2 cats about 6 years ago (one being the one that got lost) and also another who was a scared little girl hanging out in the woods. One my sister showed up on my doorstep with him one day - no idea where he came from (she didn't tell me til years later). And now those 2 are my precious kitties. Sometimes I wonder if these cats had owners or mommas and they sit and worry or wonder what happened to them? I wish I could tell them they are safe and happy and I take care of them better than I take care of myself. Maybe your 2 ran off and found a new home, some place safe where they will actually be appreciated, like my 2 "mystery" kitties did.

Today marks 3 weeks since Johnny passed. I can't believe so much time has gone by. I'm not so angry anymore, but there's a deep emptiness I have now. It's hard to adjust to it. I'm not waiting for it to go away or fade, because I know it won't. I think about him constantly, I still cry every day for him. I would have gladly died with him that day if I didn't make a "promise" to my other cats to take care of them. I took some of his fur and whiskers before I buried them, to keep for myself. I have since lost his whiskers and I'm so upset   Sometimes I find his pills on the counter or in the corner of a room and I feel so crushed about how terrible not only his last day was, but his last few months - I feel like I never really saw him for those months. I cry every time it rains out, all I can think about is his body being rained on, how I feel like he's trapped and I need to go get him. This is true misery.

I understand what you are going through, having lost a dear kitty.

I am sending you big (((((HUGS)))))) right now.

Your kitty has gone onto a safe, happy, pain free place.  Know that you gave him a happy loving life he may not have known without you.

In a strange way, your story encourages me. It shows how much you love Johnny, how close the two of you were. It tells me that there exist people who really and truly do care about animals. With that kind of love in the world, however much it hurts when you're separated, I have hope that perhaps we really can make this planet a truly good place for all of us. Love is the most important thing in the world--love for a friend, for a neighbor, for your spouse, for your cat; or for the child on the other side of the world or the stray in the town square. Loving each other is what will transform this place into what we know it could be.

Just hang on, one more minute at a time. You hurt so much because you love so deeply. Somehow, I think if you had it to do over again, you would love him just as much, no matter how much it hurt to lose him. To love is in your nature.

Callista said:

In a strange way, your story encourages me. It shows how much you love Johnny, how close the two of you were. It tells me that there exist people who really and truly do care about animals. With that kind of love in the world, however much it hurts when you're separated, I have hope that perhaps we really can make this planet a truly good place for all of us. Love is the most important thing in the world--love for a friend, for a neighbor, for your spouse, for your cat; or for the child on the other side of the world or the stray in the town square. Loving each other is what will transform this place into what we know it could be.

Just hang on, one more minute at a time. You hurt so much because you love so deeply. Somehow, I think if you had it to do over again, you would love him just as much, no matter how much it hurt to lose him. To love is in your nature.

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Very eloquent and true.  Thank you for such a nice post. 

Callista said:

In a strange way, your story encourages me. It shows how much you love Johnny, how close the two of you were. It tells me that there exist people who really and truly do care about animals. With that kind of love in the world, however much it hurts when you're separated, I have hope that perhaps we really can make this planet a truly good place for all of us. Love is the most important thing in the world--love for a friend, for a neighbor, for your spouse, for your cat; or for the child on the other side of the world or the stray in the town square. Loving each other is what will transform this place into what we know it could be.

Just hang on, one more minute at a time. You hurt so much because you love so deeply. Somehow, I think if you had it to do over again, you would love him just as much, no matter how much it hurt to lose him. To love is in your nature.

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tjcarst said:

Very eloquent and true.  Thank you for such a nice post. 

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I agree and I also hope you are right. It wasn't easy to write these posts and to also face the reality that he's no longer with me. But to know people are reading them and think more than "I'm sorry for your loss" means a lot to me. Johnny was not your average cat, and our relationship was not your average "best friends with your cat" friendship either. I'm glad people can see it even if they don't understand it. I do feel guilty because I have 3 other cats that I love so much and would do anything for, but that specialness like with Johnny just isn't there. And I know I will never find it again with another animal or human.

I still have so much guilt and regret for letting him live on for as long as he did. Looking back now he was sicker than I could "see". He wasn't unhappy or miserable, just very sick. It was ironic, for the entire 6 months he was sick I was in so much fear that he could pass any day - in any car ride, any night when I was sleeping, any infection that he couldn't get rid of. But of course, the one time when it doesn't even phase me that it could be his last moments - it happened. He was on the verge of death so many times and came back, I thought he was going to come back again this time. I told myself I couldn't put him down unless if he "told" me he wanted it. And he never did want it apparently. He doesn't have the personality to "give up" though. Even with his last few breaths he was still struggling to live. And with his last hours he was still trying so hard to walk around even though he was basically paralyzed. He never gave up, his body just gave up on him. He had such a strong spirit and will, I am SO so lucky to have him be the one to come "get" me when it's my time to go.

SilentEarth said:

Today marks 3 weeks since Johnny passed. I can't believe so much time has gone by. I'm not so angry anymore, but there's a deep emptiness I have now. It's hard to adjust to it. I'm not waiting for it to go away or fade, because I know it won't. I think about him constantly, I still cry every day for him. I would have gladly died with him that day if I didn't make a "promise" to my other cats to take care of them. I took some of his fur and whiskers before I buried them, to keep for myself. I have since lost his whiskers and I'm so upset   Sometimes I find his pills on the counter or in the corner of a room and I feel so crushed about how terrible not only his last day was, but his last few months - I feel like I never really saw him for those months. I cry every time it rains out, all I can think about is his body being rained on, how I feel like he's trapped and I need to go get him. This is true misery.

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Reading all this, first I must say I am sorry for your loss

Secondly, the little black kitten that was around? What about giving him a forever home in your house?

Just a thought

Nebula said:

Reading all this, first I must say I am sorry for your loss

Secondly, the little black kitten that was around? What about giving him a forever home in your house?

Just a thought

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 Well it was kinda my brother's cat. He couldn't take it when he went back to college, but it ended up that my parents are keeping it instead. Which is probably for the best. It would make me so so sad to have a black kitten around. I have another long haired black cat (who looks nothing like Johnny really) but I keep thinking she is him and it makes me so upset every day. =/ Sunday the 16th will mark 1 month already. Time has gone by so slow and so fast at the same time. It's hard for me to realize I still have to live the rest of my life without him

Something so very strange just happened in reference to the black kitten.

Just a few moments ago I said this in a conversation to my friend on facebook: 4:19pm "its really weird to be here all day alone for the first time without johnny. it just feels like.. so empty and unsettling. like something bad is happening" (Im home alone all day without my husband). And then exactly 10 minutes later I got a call from my step mom, crying, that the black kitten had been hit by a car and he needed an emergency vet to put him down immediately (she asked for my vet but theyre closed). I get the feeling it was gruesome, must like Johnny's death. I couldn't understand the rest, she was crying too much. I can't even.. believe any of this. Tomorrow marks the exact 1 month since Johnny passed, and also tomorrow I was supposed to go over her house to visit my parents and I was looking foward to see the kitten. I've only "met" the kitten once, for about 20 minutes - I didn't even pet it, and it was on the day of Johnnys death. I don't know the kitten at all and yet I'm weeping as if I'm reliving Johnny's death all over again. I can't help but feel like somehow it's all connected. And how in the world did I know the omen for the kitten? I don't know what is going on and I feel like I'm losing my mind, all of this sounds so unbelievable. I can't do anything but cry and feel nauseous, and feel responsible for both Johnny and the kitten.

SilentEarth said:

Something so very strange just happened in reference to the black kitten.

Just a few moments ago I said this in a conversation to my friend on facebook: 4:19pm "its really weird to be here all day alone for the first time without johnny. it just feels like.. so empty and unsettling. like something bad is happening" (Im home alone all day without my husband). And then exactly 10 minutes later I got a call from my step mom, crying, that the black kitten had been hit by a car and he needed an emergency vet to put him down immediately (she asked for my vet but theyre closed). I get the feeling it was gruesome, must like Johnny's death. I couldn't understand the rest, she was crying too much. I can't even.. believe any of this. Tomorrow marks the exact 1 month since Johnny passed, and also tomorrow I was supposed to go over her house to visit my parents and I was looking foward to see the kitten. I've only "met" the kitten once, for about 20 minutes - I didn't even pet it, and it was on the day of Johnnys death. I don't know the kitten at all and yet I'm weeping as if I'm reliving Johnny's death all over again. I can't help but feel like somehow it's all connected. And how in the world did I know the omen for the kitten? I don't know what is going on and I feel like I'm losing my mind, all of this sounds so unbelievable. I can't do anything but cry and feel nauseous, and feel responsible for both Johnny and the kitten.

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Hey sweetie..

It's been a month right? It does take some time to move on.. but what concerns me is that you are still this distraught, I would suggest maybe seeing a pet grief specialist or therapist? It's good that you are getting your feelings & emotions out, but online people can only do so much. I have lots of problems with modern day psychology, but in this case- I think it may help you... just a thought. If you want some help finding someone, feel free to PM me..  . And even though I have problems with psychotrophic drugs, maybe a little low dose anti-anxiety medication might help you, you know - only taken for short term (like 2 weeks).. I'm not a Doctor, just a student- so defiinately see a Dr if you think meds can help at all and please take care of yourself! hugs

How on earth could you have failed him? Think how much easier it would have been to put him to sleep the first time he had heart failure. Then think how many people would have put him to sleep on discovering he had to be drained regularly. Then think how you didn't. This is not failing a cat. This is adding on a great big chunk of life. In the photos I see an absolutely gorgeous cat, really full of something. You say in the post just how much you loved him. Failing a cat is not loving it.