So much guilt. Please help.

I lost my dear, sweet Johnny on Thursday. He was everything to me. He was my child, my best friend, my everything. He was all that was good in my world. He was my life. He was 12, I had him since he was a few weeks old. I loved him since the first time I ever saw him. Although I think he loved me first, because he found me and picked me out of a crowd and stayed with me from that point on until the end of his life. I loved him more than ANYTHING. More than my husband, more than my parents. Now that he's gone I've realized that I only cared for or worried for my other cats and family - he was the only thing I ever truly loved. He was so beautiful and his spirit was so unique, not like any human or animal I've ever known. Everyone who knew me, knew Johnny. Knew that we were inseparable, we were bonded like no other. Now that he's gone I can't stand life. I literally feel like my insides are turning black, crumbling up and falling away. As if his loss isn't bad enough, I feel like I caused his death. And he died painfully and torturous. It's killing me.

On February 13, 2012 we rushed him to the vet because he was acting weird. I found out he was going into heart failure. I saw him on the table literally curling up and dying right in front of my eyes. If we had waited any longer, 5 minutes longer he wouldn't have made it. From then he was hospitalized for an entire week in an isolated oxygen tank. I visited him every single day he was there. Most days he didn't even move his head to look at me. He was in bad shape, I didn't think he would ever come home. But he did. He was so strong and he fought. From then on he had weekly vet visits to have fluid drained from his chest so he could breathe. Me, my husband and Johnny became very well known at the vet's office. I saw them all more than I saw anyone in my family in the past half year. To the point where my vet would completely waive entire visit fees, and let us come in the back and hold him while she drained him.

He wasn't only battling severe heart disease. He had a 5 heart murmur his entire life and has suffered from frequent upper respiratory infections. About 2 years ago episodes of syncope also started happening. For the past 6 months I dedicated ALL my time to him. Gave him his meds 3 times a day, fed him by hand every day, every time he needed to eat. I gave him special foods just for him, sardines, tuna water, previously deli meats until I was concerned with the sodium. Considering his condition he was hanging in there pretty well. He NEVER EVER complained about anything ever. God he was the best. About 2 weeks ago his bloodwork showed his potassium was low, so we were told to give him some twice a day. We gave it to him with the rest of his meds, except he gagged when we did so we decided to give it to him after his meds in case he spit his meds out and we didn't notice. That was our mistake.

We always gave his heart and diuretic meds perfectly on time, every day. Within the previous 4-5 days of his passing, I would accidentally fall asleep early and we ended up missing some of his potassium doses. I was stupid, so stupid and didn't realize how important it was. I didnt realize how low his levels were. Wednesday afternoon we brought him home from the vet from having fluid drained. They give him a small sedative because he is... was a ferocious panther when he started to feel better. He always acted weird after coming home while being on the sedative. When he was laying around or not drinking I didn't think anything of it because that's what he always did. Much later on in the evening I noticed he was on his side pressed up against the vent on the front of the fridge. He loved the rug in front of the fridge, but never laid against it. I tried to feed him some sardine juice, he bolted his head towards it like he always did but then hovered above it a few seconds and laid back down. He did this sometimes too, with his URI he wasn't always hungry. I thought it was a little off but not much. Then with a short burst of energy he moved himself to a pile of clothes next to the fridge, laid on his side. I thought maybe the sedatives were just still keeping him weird, that happened sometimes too. After a while I noticed... This is so hard for me to relive.

I noticed he was not moving, but his eyes were. He wasn't sleeping like I thought he was. He wasn't closing his eyes at all. I felt his paws and they were cold, but that happened sometimes. I would lift his arms and they would drop back down like nothing. I didn't know what to do so I went to the computer to look it up. Then I see him barely stumbling across the floor almost face planting. I laid down with him and didn't leave him til the next day. He couldn't walk... he couldn't eat or drink. He couldn't open his mouth. He.. he couldn't even close his eyelids. He was hungry and thirsty, he would try to drag himself with 1 arm in the direction to where the water was even though it was a room away. I would hold water for him and he could only lift his head if I lifted his body.. and it would only last a few seconds, his head would wobble and then slowly sink facedown in front of him. Then he would go to his side again. Sometimes his front arms would get so tight and curl up towards his chest. He definitely couldn't get to the litter box, and here we are jamming diuretics down his throat. My husband read symptoms of lack of potassium so we gave him the dose, plus 1. 30 mins after that he got up with a short burst of energy and laid on my purse I put in front of him. (He loved my purse. I buried him with him laying on it). We thought he was getting better. He could sit up for a 2 mins on his own without us holding him, but he still couldn't open his mouth. We slept with him on the kitchen floor that night. I held his cold paw in my hand all night. I tried to help massage his legs for blood flow. He laid there all night, eyes wide open looking around. His eyes would sink downwards a little bit, I feel like he was trying to sleep but couldn't. Every few hours I would wake up and blink his eyes for him, needless to say I got very little sleep that night. Sometimes his arms would slowly and tightly lift up to his face. Other times his arms would contract so hard and pull to his chest. By the next afternoon he was still not moving, only his eyes. After more potassium he could hold himself up longer, but still coudn't open his mouth. I was so worried that he couldn't pee that we finally decided to call the vet.

Our normal vet who I love so much and trust, left for vacation that day. We knew she was leaving so that's why we brought him in the day before to get drained. We did not trust anyone but her with Johnny. But I thought they could at least give him oxygen, maybe pain killers and put a catheter in. So we called, they told us to come right in. He was still laying on the kitchen floor where he had been all night. My husband didn't want to bring him in because he didn't trust the rentavets with his unique condition, but I did. It was my idea. I was hurrying to get dressed, my husband put him in the carrier like he always does. We brought him to the car, we didn't realize how hot it was. We usually give him an icepack in the carrier. He loved ice and snow. As soon as I sat with him... he started clawing the carrier, while laying on his side. And making barely audible muffled crying noises. In all his 12 years he NEVER ever complained about pain, never cried. Never ever anything. To hear him do that tore me into a million pieces, because I KNEW he was in unbearable pain. It got more violent.. never in his life did he ever poof up his tail for anything. Not dogs, not people, not anger. He never did it ever once. But he did then.

He went into heart failure/had a heart attack, he didn't make it a mile down the road. Our carrier was broken so it was twist tied shut at the front hinge and the door of it opened on the opposite side so I couldn't get my hand in to pet him. It was horrific, he was flailing and curling up (the little that he could), fluid was coming out of his mouth, his tail poofed up so huge. I was panicking so I was of course screaming my head off crying to see and hear him do that. I didn't get to say a real goodbye. I didn't get to soothe him, I was screaming. It was my idea to put him in the car, triggering the attack. I'm the one who forgot his potassium. I didn't think he was going to die in the car. He made it through SO many other times when he was on the brink of death, he was so strong. I thought he was going to get better, like he did so many times. Everything I feared would happen, everything I was sure I was going to protect him from at his death, happened. His last 24 hours were pure misery, and it was my fault. I WAS SUPPOSED TO PROTECT HIM. And I failed him.

The morning of his vet visit to be drained (Wednesday) he had a syncope attack. While he was laying on his side his back leg (and maybe front?) were shaking very very fast. It lasted..20 seconds? I can't remember. And the night before that (Tuesday night) I'm not sure what happened to him but we came home to him laying by the front door, leaning against it. He didn't really lay there, definitely not leaning against it. I think he might have fallen down the stairs and landed there. I thought maybe he had a syncope attack and had fallen down. Either way, it's still my fault. In the past 6 months I hardly ever left the house, unless for a vet visit. I left him for an hour and something happened to him while I was gone. I shouldn't have left. I want to believe he had a stroke either that night, or Wednesday morning. But I can't do it. At the vet visit Wednesday (the draining) she definitely noticed something was wrong with him, he wasn't acting right. We thought it was from his URI, infection making him sluggish.

I still feel like he's on his landing, or on his rug he loved. I keep feeling like I need to check on him in my sleep or get his meds at certain times. Now I just wake up in the middle of the night and cry myself back to sleep, over and over. As if the pain of losing him isn't destroying me, the guilt makes me hate myself and if I didnt have my other cats to take care of I'd probably end up commited. I had 1 job in this life, to take care of and protect him from the evils in this world. To make his life happy. Our vet even said she would come to our house to put him down when it was time, so he didn't have to have his last moments in the car, in the vet's office, scared or stressed. I thought that's how it would have ended. I really did.

I haven't eaten since Wednesday night, the blankets where we all slept together are still on the floor in the kitchen. His treats he didn't finish are still on the landing where he loved to lay. His food bowls are still everywhere. I can't go in the car, his carrier is still there ripped apart when I was trying to get into it, with his name on it. My seat is where.. he died. I can't get the images out of my head, I keep thinking I'm hearing him in the other room. I keep feeling like I need to go down tot he landing and check on him or feed him. His pills are still on the kitchen counter, I haven't gone in there since Wednesday. I can't stand it. What do I do? How do I deal with this? It's killing me. Before he died I believed I would see him again one day, I really did. Now that he's actually gone, I'm having a hard time believing it. All I want is to hold him one last time and just say I'm sorry for what I did to him. I still can't comprehend he's gone.

What a beautiful boy! I'm very, very sorry for your loss of Johnny.

Your post really hits home. We also have a cat with HCM and have gone through a couple of bouts of congestive heart failure, a severe and nearly fatal potassium deficiency due to diuretics, refusal to eat or take medications, and near death this year, so I do understand what you've gone through and why you're second-guessing your every action and blaming yourself for not preventing his death. I, too, hope that the end will be peaceful when it comes, but fear it won't be and have to accept that it comes down to running that risk or having Jamie put down earlier than necessary. That's pretty much what the situation was with Johnny, wasn't it?

As much as we try and want to keep our sick fur babies alive at all costs, at some point the situation is beyond our and the vet's control. Death is a part of life and inevitable; so is survivor's guilt. It's so obvious that you loved Johnny very, very much and did the best you were physically capable of, so please go easy on yourself and allow yourself to simply mourn without torturing yourself with "what if ....". In time the wonderful memories of Johnny will outweigh the pain, even if that doesn't seem possible right now. You were with him when he passed. He's at peace now, with no pain or fear, and will always be in your heart.

, Johnny.

OH hun.... :sobbing: My heart is just breaking for you and I feel you pain so deeply. My God, how we love our furchildren. I have loved and lost many times as well but some were so painful and guilt ridden as well. I also lost a cat to heart failure. Same thing, on the way to the vet in the carrier He was to far gone when we arrived to the emergency vet. It is so true how there are just those "special" kitties (or dogs - as I have one now - Wilbur - my :heart3: baby) that are just above the rest of our babies. I can't explain it - it is only in my heart where the answer lies. I love all of my babies too - but there are some that just touch us deeper and have that undenying connection with us. Thank you so much for bearing your soul here and I hope it helps you in some small way to know you are not alone in your pain and grief. Johnny , I can tell, was a very, very special boy. I am in tears now just knowing how deeply you loved him. I DO know that kind of love. Please know that in time the love you gave and still have for Johnny will bring you peace. It is human nature to try to blame ourselves, beat ourselves up over their loss. There was going to be no stopping his journey to the bridge. He honestly could not have had a more loving momma to share his life with and I know he is with you now, forever, in your heart and soul. So sorry, sweetie. Mega :heart3:

Dear Johnny - your momma loves you so very, very much. May you visit her in her dreams and comfort her :9: and tell her to be kind to herself - for that is what you would want. RIP sweet boy.

P.S. Your username - SilentEarth has incredible meaning ..... I know how "silent" earth can be when you suffer a great loss like that. Not sure if that is why you chose that username. But to me, I think it is beautiful and very telling.

jcat said:

What a beautiful boy! I'm very, very sorry for your loss of Johnny.
Your post really hits home. We also have a cat with HCM and have gone through a couple of bouts of congestive heart failure, a severe and nearly fatal potassium deficiency due to diuretics, refusal to eat or take medications, and near death this year, so I do understand what you've gone through and why you're second-guessing your every action and blaming yourself for not preventing his death. I, too, hope that the end will be peaceful when it comes, but fear it won't be and have to accept that it comes down to running that risk or having Jamie put down earlier than necessary. That's pretty much what the situation was with Johnny, wasn't it?
As much as we try and want to keep our sick fur babies alive at all costs, at some point the situation is beyond our and the vet's control. Death is a part of life and inevitable; so is survivor's guilt. It's so obvious that you loved Johnny very, very much and did the best you were physically capable of, so please go easy on yourself and allow yourself to simply mourn without torturing yourself with "what if ....". In time the wonderful memories of Johnny will outweigh the pain, even if that doesn't seem possible right now. You were with him when he passed. He's at peace now, with no pain or fear, and will always be in your heart.
, Johnny.

Click to expand...

Thank you. Yes.. the diuretics are what caused the potassium deficiency. I just can't forgive myself for forgetting some of his doses. All these months I was PERFECT with his heart meds, diuretics and antibiotics when I had to do them. I don't know what posessed me to think that it was okay to not be so strict with his potassium. I don't understand why I let it happen. And it all happened so fast. He was sluggish from an infection, but he was still Johnny. Within 24 hours.. paralyzed and then gone. He was so strong for me. So strong. He lived for half a year in his dying body, in this terrible world for me and my husband. He never complained. He didn't like to be pilled.. but that was his personality, no one was going to make him do anything he wanted - not without a fight. He just somehow, commanded respect just with his presence. But he wasnt mean or nasty. He just was. Everyone called him "regal". Different people who never knew each other always somehow came to that 1 word to describe him. My friends loved him even though they never met him

Our vet liked him so much that she had even offered to come to our house to "let him go" when it was time. That's how I thought it was going to happen, that's how I played it over and over in my head as I watched him slowly decline over the past 6 months. I thought she would come here, and soothe him with her voice. She is amazing, she has such a way with animals I can't explain. I thought he would be laying on his favorite blanket in his favorite spot. With me and my husband and our other cats around him. Letting him know it would be okay, and we'll all see each other again some day. I practiced it in my mind so I could hold myself together and not cry, it was supposed to be his moment - not mine to be bawling my eyes out and disrupting his transistion. I didn't want to make him suffer. I was ready to make the decision for him when I thought it was the right time.

Something that Johnny loved was sardines. I found packets of them at walmart. I can't remember the brand and I don't have the heart to go look at his food right now. But they are chunks, and they come in spring water. (This is human food, not cat food). The packet is blue, and in the aisle with the tuna and salmon and stuff like that. His heart was pretty bad, and I feel like the sardines really helped him feel better when he ate them. And the sodium was low so I didnt worry about that. I used to feed him tuna a lot but I worried about mercury. You could try giving your kitty some, maybe it will help Jamie.

Feralvr said:

OH hun....

My heart is just breaking for you and I feel you pain so deeply. My God, how we love our furchildren. I have loved and lost many times as well but some were so painful and guilt ridden as well. I also lost a cat to heart failure. Same thing, on the way to the vet in the carrier

He was to far gone when we arrived to the emergency vet. It is so true how there are just those "special" kitties (or dogs - as I have one now - Wilbur - my

baby) that are just above the rest of our babies. I can't explain it - it is only in my heart where the answer lies. I love all of my babies too - but there are some that just touch us deeper and have that undenying connection with us. Thank you so much for bearing your soul here and I hope it helps you in some small way to know you are not alone in your pain and grief. Johnny

, I can tell, was a very, very special boy. I am in tears now just knowing how deeply you loved him. I DO know that kind of love. Please know that in time the love you gave and still have for

Johnny will bring you peace. It is human nature to try to blame ourselves, beat ourselves up over their loss. There was going to be no stopping his journey to the bridge. He honestly could not have had a more loving momma to share his life with and I know he is with you now, forever, in your heart and soul. So sorry, sweetie. Mega

Dear

Johnny - your momma loves you so very, very much. May you visit her in her dreams and comfort her

and tell her to be kind to herself - for that is what you would want. RIP sweet boy.

P.S. Your username - SilentEarth has incredible meaning ..... I know how "silent" earth can be when you suffer a great loss like that. Not sure if that is why you chose that username. But to me, I think it is beautiful and very telling.

Click to expand...

It eases me a little to know you understand what it is to have a "different" pet. Everyone in my family loves their pets as children, but I know they didnt understand what Johnny was to me. (Not their fault). It feels very empty to know I will never have another love like that again. It's not that I want another, I just want his back, with me in this world. I have 3 other cats that I would kill for or die for in a heartbeat. I love them with every ounce of my soul, but they just aren't like him. I can't even understand it, I don't understand how it can be. I ask myself "How can it be? He's only a cat?" But then I hear that thought in my head and it doesn't make sense because Johnny wasn't a cat to me. I don't know what he was, but to consider him a cat or animal just didn't make sense. He was MORE than a cat, MORE than a human. I can't comprehend it.

Before his death I truly believed beautiful things about death. I thought it was a time for escape, a time to be free. A chance to leave this painful, emotionless world full of torture and sadness and to actually LIVE and experience true life like we were originally meant to. I thought at death is when we gained our power to be beautiful spirits or essences and to travel the cosmos where ever we wanted, to astounding places. Not a place with buildings and landfills and misery like here. Now that he's gone I'm having a hard time keeping my beliefs. Before he died I truly believed I would see him again someday. Now I feel lost and I feel like neither he or I will have the strength in our will to find each other again. The thought crushes me. Thank you for your little note to Johnny. It made me cry with sadness and happiness at the same time.

My username is actually from a song from my favorite band. I made this account a long time ago and forgot about it. I tried to sign in to make my post and had my information retrieved and forgot that's what I had even chosen for it. You are right though, it's extremely fitting. So many strange things happened at Johnny's death. As horrific as it was, it somehow seems like it was supposed to happen. For months my step mom had put a side a garden plot for him to be placed in when he was gone. When he died in the car we were on the way to the vet's. After it happened we just stopped, pulled over. My husband took him out of the carrier and held his lifeless body in his arms as we drove to my Dad and step moms house instead. No one was home, we didnt care. We sat with him and my husband pet him. I couldnt look at him. Within 10 minutes my step mom and step brother showed up. And 5 minutes after that my grandparents showed up. 20 minutes after that my dad arrived from work. No one had known he had died, we didnt tell anyone. But somehow they all got there all around the same time. We sat with him in a towel in the house for a while. Then we went out back to start digging. In the back there was a small black kitten running around and playing, he was partially my step brothers but he just hung around the house outside a lot. He looked just like Johnny when he was a kitten, exactly alike. It made me weep with such pain. The kitten hung around, climbed trees, played with bugs as we prepared the plot. This kitten also came from the same neighbor that I had originally gotten Johnny from 12 years earlier. They were also born at the same time of year. So we held Johnny, pet him, I took some of his whiskers and fur. I emptied my purse and laid him on it, he always loved to lay on my purse. I liked to believe he did because it smelled like me. We laid him onto my purse on top of a blanket and set him down on the ground. The black kitten walked up to his lifeless body slowly.. sniffed his head once and looked at him. Then sat down on the blanket next to him with a solemn look on his face. It was tearing my heart up, but something about that moment seemed so different. My husband said it was a representation of Johnny saying goodbye to his old dying body and getting to be a kitten again. I tried to believe it. It seemed so surreal that out of nowhere my entire family besides my sister (working) showed up right after we did. (My grandparents don't even live there). And then to have the kitten there? And how he acted? It seemed like a dream, it seemed set up. Part of me wants to believe that it was somehow Johnny's doing it happened like that, and the other part of me feels like I'm trying to convince myself of fake coicidences and that I'm reaching to help ease the pain and give his death some meaning. I've always been a person who didn't like "bullsh*t". I hated when people would lie to themselves just to make themselves feel better. And I would never encourage someone who had that kind of behavior. I can't tell if I'm not giving credit to some kind of unbelievable experience with his death, or if I'm becoming the people that I hate just because I can't cope.

And to anyone who actually takes the time to read all my long, long walls of text. I thank you so dearly. It helps so much to hear your responses and to know I'm not completely alone even if you can't relate.

SilentEarth said:

Before his death I truly believed beautiful things about death. I thought it was a time for escape, a time to be free. A chance to leave this painful, emotionless world full of torture and sadness and to actually LIVE and experience true life like we were originally meant to. I thought at death is when we gained our power to be beautiful spirits or essences and to travel the cosmos where ever we wanted, to astounding places. Not a place with buildings and landfills and misery like here. Now that he's gone I'm having a hard time keeping my beliefs. Before he died I truly believed I would see him again someday. Now I feel lost and I feel like neither he or I will have the strength in our will to find each other again. The thought crushes me. Thank you for your little note to Johnny. It made me cry with sadness and happiness at the same time.

. And I would never encourage someone who had that kind of behavior. I can't tell if I'm not giving credit to some kind of unbelievable experience with his death, or if I'm becoming the people that I hate just because I can't cope.

Click to expand...

But.. how do you know, I mean about death, that is still what you believed?? Still believe in yourself and your dreams of the afterlife, that you will meet Johnny again, you will meet and easily find each other. I believe this with my whole heart and soul, that when my Wilbur passes... He will wait for me in our special place. We all have that special place waiting for us. THat is where they meet us. I just know it. Don't stop believing.. and try to be kind to yourself and allow yourself to let go and NOT cope right now. I think that when we lose a pet like that, one that was your soul mate - the experience of their death is so incredibly painful, it is part of the life we live here on this earth. We cannot avoid it when you love so deeply, in the end the experience of losing them almost kills our soul, if we let it. You will find yourself somewhere in the middle of where you are now and where you were with Johnny. I don't think we ever fully get over losing someone we loved so completely. There is a quiet, silence now in your heart and life, in time you will fill that with the joyful memories and times you had with Johnny. Comfort and peace will fill those holes because you will be with Johnny again. Actually, you are together right now. Only you don't know it or feel it yet because you are to overcome with grief, anger, guilt and despair. I don't know if you believe in this, but I have found an unbelievable animal communicator through a friend here on TCS. She has a gift. Truly..... gifted. If you would want her name, just PM me. Mega vibes

Oh I can most certainly relate, and my heart aches for what you're going through right now. I just want to hug you and have a good cry with you. The pain of losing a cherished being that you love with all your soul can be so devastating that it permanently alters your psyche. I wish there was something I could say that would help you. I do recommend you check out an amazing group at the Association for Pet Loss and Bereavement. I wish they had been around when I lost my cat, Egypt, many years ago. They offer live chat sessions several times a week (including tonight: http://aplb.org/chat/chat_petloss.php) moderated by experienced pet loss counselors.

All the best to you, my dear. Please take care of yourself and know that there are many people here that understand what you're going through.

Sugarcatmom said:

Oh I can most certainly relate, and my heart aches for what you're going through right now. I just want to hug you and have a good cry with you. The pain of losing a cherished being that you love with all your soul can be so devastating that it permanently alters your psyche. I wish there was something I could say that would help you. I do recommend you check out an amazing group at the Association for Pet Loss and Bereavement. I wish they had been around when I lost my cat, Egypt, many years ago. They offer live chat sessions several times a week (including tonight: http://aplb.org/chat/chat_petloss.php) moderated by experienced pet loss counselors.

All the best to you, my dear. Please take care of yourself and know that there are many people here that understand what you're going through.

Click to expand...

 Thank you I bookmarked it and liked it on facebook. I'm a little too sad to look much more at it right now, but I will soon.

He passed 5 days ago and I still haven't been able to leave the house, walk past his place on the landing by the front door. Or go into the kitchen, where our blankets still lay where he spent his last night. All I see is him laying there not being able to move. My husband asks if I want him to clean it up and I can't stand it. I can't stand the thought of vacuuming because I feel like throwing his fur away is throwing him away. I feel like picking up his blankets on his last night means that I'm trying to forget him. I feel like cleaning up his food bowls everywhere means I'm giving up on him. I don't know how to change them into positive things to try to feel like hes not miserable anymore.

Feralvr said:

But.. how do you know, I mean about death, that is still what you believed?? Still believe in yourself and your dreams of the afterlife, that you will meet

Johnny again, you will meet and easily find each other. I believe this with my whole heart and soul, that when my Wilbur passes... He will wait for me in our special place. We all have that special place waiting for us. THat is where they meet us. I just know it. Don't stop believing.. and try to be kind to yourself and allow yourself to let go and NOT cope right now. I think that when we lose a pet like that, one that was your soul mate - the experience of their death is so incredibly painful, it is part of the life we live here on this earth. We cannot avoid it when you love so deeply, in the end the experience of losing them almost kills our soul, if we let it. You will find yourself somewhere in the middle of where you are now and where you were with Johnny. I don't think we ever fully get over losing someone we loved so completely. There is a quiet, silence now in your heart and life, in time you will fill that with the joyful memories and times you had with Johnny. Comfort and peace will fill those holes because you will be with Johnny again. Actually, you are together right now. Only you don't know it or feel it yet because you are to overcome with grief, anger, guilt and despair. I don't know if you believe in this, but I have found an unbelievable animal communicator through a friend here on TCS. She has a gift. Truly..... gifted. If you would want her name, just PM me.

Mega vibes

Click to expand...

Thank you. I don't know much about any type of communicators, but I believe that as humans we can do or achieve anything we want (or need) with our own intent. When we started dishing out $500+ a month, (not including the $1200 in debt from hospitalization) for his bills I opened an Esty shop and started selling jewelry. We needed money badly, it wasn't a want. It was a NEED because if I couldn't make that money then we couldn't have afforded his care. (Plus the ability to buy whatever he needed, whenever he needed really helped with stress.) I had no prior experience with selling, and the jewelry I sold I took a month or so to research. It was new to me. My jewelry sold, and I made close to enough to keep us afloat every month to pay his bills. Since he's passed? Not a sale.. If that's not intent then I don't know what is.

And I believe that there is a possibility for anything to happen or exist. As for talking to Johnny, I've already considered it but with myself. I know I can't right now, I'm not "whole" right now, I feel my energies are all out of wack and leaking out of me. When I'm stronger and with a clear mind I hope to. I don't think he would like to talk to someone he didn't know, honestly. He didn't really like women. There were 2 in my life that he actually would hiss at sometimes, or usually just swat them with a huge panther paw. And that was not in his personality at all. Maybe it's not women, maybe it was the 2 specific women I'm not sure? The use of psychedelics in my past I feel has helped me deal with this so much more than if I had never done them. They changed me, they let me know for absolute sure that there's more than this world. They helped me feel like I could control my "inner" self and what kind of "vibes" I give off, especially towards him when he was extra sick and needed healing. I stopped doing them when he got sick, I hope to try it again soon. Maybe I'll get to see him again, even for a glimpse. I don't know if I ever will, but I know for sure that I won't if I don't try.

I think Johnny WAS sending you a sign in this kitten, a little relative of his......

He was telling you not to grieve, not to drown yourself in guilt, because he IS free of his failing body now, he is strong and healthy again like the kitten you saw.

He knows you feel guilty and lost, but he has not left you,only his body has left you. His being, his spirit is with you, in your heart, in your beautiful and menaingful memories of him, and he will be looking down from the rainbow bridge, watching over you untill you meet again.

Don't stop believing what you always thought of death, his death had meaning he was meant to go to the bridge when he did, and to show you the young, strong, healthy cat he is, and always well be, at the bridge.

Watch this video, and make sure you have enough hankies, for you will cry your eyes out. But they will be good tears, healing tears. It will tell you where he is, how he is.....

http://www.indigo.org/rainbowbridge_ver2.html

Thank you so much, I love it so much even though it made me cry. I've had about 20 of his pictures opened up in tabs on my taskbar, but I haven't had the heart to look at them in days. I saw this and I had already forgotten how beautiful he was. I'm going to save it into his folder. Thank you again.

I also found this randomly trying to find distractions on Tumblr the other night. I of course just replaced all the "human" parts with pets in my mind.

SilentEarth said:

I also found this randomly trying to find distractions on Tumblr the other night. I of course just replaced all the "human" parts with pets in my mind.

1344909917129740.jpg

• silentearth
• Aug 20, 2012

Click to expand...

That is incredible!!! Just sending more vibes to you today, hun.

Thanks again everyone. I'm going in to talk to my vet today, she's back from vacation now. I think just talking to her and thanking her for all she did for him will help. It's killing me not know exactly what happened to him. If he had a stroke the day before, kidney failure, potassium deficiency, heart attack, whatever. I don't know. I just need to know what happened. My husband says it wont make a difference and it will make me feel worse but I don't think so. I think I need to ask all the questions before I can start to move on.
 

I am so terribly sorry to hear of your loss.  I lost a very special kitty to undiagnosed CRF.  Stayed with her during her last few hours, and even ended up in the kitchen with her looking out the patio door, one of her favorite spots.

I understand the feelings of helplessness, despair, hope, guilt, anger, disbelief, and grief.  These feelings show how much you cared for him.  It would be so much worse if we weren't the kind of people to experience these feelings when our pets passed away.   It shows we are compassionate pet lovers and do everything possible to care for our much loved pets.

I know it doesn't help much, but your kitty's body was tired, and you and he did your best together with your vet to keep him here as long as possible.  He did have a long life full of love.  He passed while with you and knows you were there for him. 

I can't say it will get easier soon, but hopefully, you will be able to look back and remember all of the good times you spent together and not feel so bad about his last few hours.  So many kitties never know this kind of love, and I am sure he knows he is loved very much.

{{{HUGS}}}
 

SilentEarth said:

Thanks again everyone. I'm going in to talk to my vet today, she's back from vacation now. I think just talking to her and thanking her for all she did for him will help. It's killing me not know exactly what happened to him. If he had a stroke the day before, kidney failure, potassium deficiency, heart attack, whatever. I don't know. I just need to know what happened. My husband says it wont make a difference and it will make me feel worse but I don't think so. I think I need to ask all the questions before I can start to move on.

 

Click to expand...

I think that is very good of you and will help to bring you closer to being able to accept his death. The vet will hopefully be able to shed some light in all of this darkness. :cross: I think you are being very aware of your feelings and needs so that you will be able to get some closure and peace.

http://i79.photobucket.com/albums/j130/foxyady60/cat20sorry20for20your20loss.jpg


Beautiful Johnny