strange question 2

Its related in a way to the other one. You see since Clive has been ill I refused to go flying anymore as the intention was to take him this friday to a massive event about 200 miles away. That was the target for him and we talked about it often. I regret that neither of us are making that trip this week now.
I said that I would not do any modelling (model aircraft - free flight) either making of new ones or competeing until he was well again and true to my word - I have not picked up a plane in over three - nigh on 4 months.
The problem that I have is that: My father flies free flight and is an ex Brit champion as well as Canadian team manager and writes for the free flight community in Canada.
Clive flew to an incredible standard and was dedicated to the sport.
And I fly, have represented the UK twice in canada and America - sorry guys I beat you all and took gold in both events years apart!!!
Anyway, its in my blood and even when I go up to my modelling room and pick up a sheet of wood, i feel the hankering and then - I just lose it and put it down, walk away and dont touch it.
I just dont know whether to continue. I think I am letting Clives death get me to the extent that if I do fly - people are going to think that I am trying to be like my step father. My own father has stated clearly that I am very well known and its true I am around the world and I know a respected. I write a newsletter quarterly on a class called Hand launch gliders and send this worldwide. I am at my happiest on the airfield and need to fly - but I just cant get the momentum to build and get going again. I just feel that may be I am dwelling on clive's memory and cant model cause I said that I would not until he was well again. Now thats failed - I wonder if I should continue. Carol thinks I should go for it again and get whipping butts...
I have heaps of trophies etc and if you goto

http://www.windandwavemodels.com/Postal2003.html

and scroll down to the photos, you will find one of a small child throwing an airplane and then one of this same child with me - dad holding two small airplanes I designed and won with. I called one "lets roll" after those lost on 9-11.

Should I quit - i dont want to really but my heart is not in it or is this all part of greiving?
I have never lost anyone that close to me before - possible why i am struggling.
Sorry its been a long one. You lot are so supportive - its like having my wife and 200 best friends to help me.

Kev,
Don't quit just yet. Someday you will want to do it again. When my grandma died, I lost the part of me that was willing to and wanted to perform in public. It took me a good six months or so, but I finially decided that I was ready to try it again, even without one of my main supporters and friends. Just give it time, and remember that we at TCS forums love you !

Never give up anything you have a passion for. I let some things go after I lost my dad in 1986 and mom in 2000. Eventually they came back to me when the time was right. At times it hurts to pursue the same things that they loved, but over time, the pain is replaced by a sense of joy that I was able to share those interests with them.

Hope this makes sense!

Kev , you kept your promise to Clive and did not fly till he get better . But Clive is better now , he don't have no pain or anything els . I am sure if he would be here with you he would tell you to fly again and I am sure he would do the same thing , flying . So get your BUTT off and go fly it is in your blood .

If flying is something you truly love, then do it. It would also be a great tribute to Clive.

Your son is beautiful! I love his red hair!

Originally posted by kev
Should I quit - i dont want to really but my heart is not in it or is this all part of greiving?
I have never lost anyone that close to me before - possible why i am struggling.
Sorry its been a long one. You lot are so supportive - its like having my wife and 200 best friends to help me.

Click to expand...

Yes, it is a part of grieving and no, I don't think you should quit. But don't force yourself to do it, either. It's just that now, flying reminds you of Clive. So, give yourself time and permission to mourn. Eventually, you'll be able to think of Clive with love and laughter (there will always be sadness) and that's when you should try to fly again. And it's such a wonderful way to honor and carry on his memory, and share it with your son. (((Hugs))) to you in this rough time.

Kev, your promise to Clive was admirable. IMO, you can look at it this way - while he didn't get physically well again, he was in fact released from his pain. His spirit was made whole and well again.

From what you have said, you can certainly fly on your own merits. You would more than likely be the only one comparing yourself to Clive's accomplishments.

If it doesn't feel right at the moment, take some more time off from it. But if you want to keep flying, perhaps your next project could be to build a plane in Clive's honor. He can and will always be with you in spirit, if not in body.

I think it may take some to actually get back to flying but I say do it. Take little steps. Do one thing that reminds you of Clive for awhile, until you get used to it, then go on doing some more. Good Luck....

oh no Kev. you must keep the love of this sport alive for him, and from what i understand this is your son? wow that is another generation, dont quit, your stepdad would be proud of you keeping this going just get out there and start flying again and keep your head up high

Kev, flying for you is a tangible connection to Clive, so just as it was a wonderful sacrifice you offered NOT to fly until he was well, it is also a wonderful tribute to stay connected to that thing that you shared with him. You need space to grieve just now, but that won't be forever, and once the good memories begin to outweigh the immediate sadness, it will be a lovely way to keep enjoying his continued presence in your life and to let him know he's far from forgotten.

Don't even try to make a decision on this right now, you're grieving and you wouldn't be able to make an honest decision. Secondly, don't EVER compare yourself to anyone else.

Wait until you start feeling the urge to fly again and try it at that point. Until then, don't worry about this issue.