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strange question for you all

post #1 of 22
Thread Starter 
As you all know, I lost my stepfather three weeks ago and I feel I have coped very well even considering that i lost Vicki on the same day. However, practically every night, I wake up dreaming about him - things he has done, the flying events we attended and moments we shared. Even though we were not tremendously close, he was there for carol and I- yet every morning, I watch the sun rise whilst looking at the pc and the sun set and now believe I am finding it harder to accept that he has gone than I thought. Its getting me down at times.
Is this action normal after the death of a relative?

Kev
post #2 of 22
I am very sure that it is normal. My boyfriend died 9 years ago and after his death, I dreamed about him for a few years. I like to think it is his way of coming to see me to let me know that he is okay, and to share good memories together. I think dreams like that are wonderful, as long as they are good ones. (c:
post #3 of 22
Kev, I lost my grandmother on June 13 of this year. It was very hard for me to cope with it at first. I have lived next door to her for the past year since my husband and I got married. But, she basically raised me when my mother wasn't around because of her crazy work schedule. The thing that helps me get through it is because I know where she is (heaven) and I will see her someday soon. This life is temporary. I have everything in my heart that she has taught me, and I now can live the way she taught me to which was the Christian way. (Some of you my come from a different religious background, this is not to offend anyone, I am just stating the way I have coped with my grandmoter's death). I also lost my stepfather Jume 11, 1990, but I was eight years old at the time...sometimes I miss him...but only time can heal these wounds. It may help to seek guidence through your church or a counselor. Hope this helps. Peace & Love!!
post #4 of 22
Sorry I didn't address your question, I thought I would add in about how important it is to focus on your coping in this time of need. But, YES I believe it is normal because I have dreams about her every now and then, and when I wake up I feel better because I feel that she is closer to me in that way.
post #5 of 22
Seeing how I believe in energies of those passed on, this is their way of letting you know that they are still there. You are tapping into their energies or viceversa.
post #6 of 22
Did you found any closure (sp) with you step dad ? Maybe you need to go to the grave and talk a little to him and they may be some things you want to ask to be forgiven from him and you may need to forgive some things to him . Or maybe you just need to tell him all about what happen with your mother and you . Only you would know in your heart when you there at the grave site . The reason I say that is that I had to do that with my dad and belive me after that I found peace and don't tream of him any more .
post #7 of 22
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally posted by PurrfectCatlove
Did you found any closure (sp) with you step dad ? Maybe you need to go to the grave and talk a little to him and they may be some things you want to ask to be forgiven from him and you may need to forgive some things to him . Or maybe you just need to tell him all about what happen with your mother and you . Only you would know in your heart when you there at the grave site . The reason I say that is that I had to do that with my dad and belive me after that I found peace and don't tream of him any more .
Cant goto any grave as he was cremated. I know that he wanted his ashes to be put on the same place as I do mine - wierd huh - on an airfield as we are both fliers. I have been on the airfield once and just felt terrible. Just cant find any closure at all...I may go to the field in a couple of weeks but just dont know.
post #8 of 22
Yes , maybe when you go to the airfield and take a walk you can talk to him . You don't have to talk out loud ....
I will continue to pray for you that you may find peace in your heart
post #9 of 22
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally posted by PurrfectCatlove
Yes , maybe when you go to the airfield and take a walk you can talk to him . You don't have to talk out loud ....
I will continue to pray for you that you may find peace in your heart
Hedi - one very quick question - how do you find that peace and how do you know you have found it?
post #10 of 22
I found peace in God Kev , I am a Christian
post #11 of 22
That's what I was trying to say...that was my point "Peace"
post #12 of 22
Kev,
As everyone has said this is so normal, my stepfather and I weren't that close either,he married mom shortly before I left home and got married.When we lost him he and mom had been divorced for about 5 years, he had still been around occasionally, mostly to see mine and my siblings children. But it was more of a blow than I expected for Me. I knew it would be hard for the kids because they saw him as PawPaw Bill,but I took it harder than I expected, and found him in my dreams and thoughts more and more as well,but talking about him with mom and my sister, and making sure my kids weren't afraid to talk about him and let out their emotions about the situation (it was very sudden) was the best therapy in the world for me.It's has been nearly 10 years ago and I was actually talking to a a co worker about him just last night, it gets easier. I still miss him but it was good to share a bit of him with a friend, this way he, in a sense, still goes on.
post #13 of 22
I must echo what Hedi said....the only way I found peace even though I miss him terribly, for my father's death, was through God. I know my father is in a far better place than this and would not wish him back. He is home now.

It took me almost 6 months to deal normally with my father's death. I was so depressed and wanted to just "join" him for the longest time.
I was very close to my father and took it very hard and for awhile didn't feel like life was worth living without him. I felt I had nothing left. (I had lost both my parents and didn't have Amber...my baby, yet)...I was just very depressed and even went on Prozac for awhile to help cope with it. But God is what ultimately helped me through it.

It does get better. Really it does. *hugs*

My thoughts and prayers are with you Kev.

May I ask, who was Vicki? I am so sorry...I am not online much anymore and missed this...I didn't even know your stepfather had died. I am so sorry.

We are all here for you kev, and any time you need to talk....just talk to us.
post #14 of 22
It's very normal. They say it can take up to 3 years to come to terms with the death of someone you were very close to. And having vivid dreams are very normal too. It's all just part of the grieving process.
post #15 of 22
Quote:
Originally posted by mzjazz2u
It's very normal. They say it can take up to 3 years to come to terms with the death of someone you were very close to. And having vivid dreams are very normal too. It's all just part of the grieving process.


It may take a lifetime for some people. It all depends on the person. Everyone is different.
post #16 of 22
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally posted by Debby
I must echo what Hedi said....the only way I found peace even though I miss him terribly, for my father's death, was through God. I know my father is in a far better place than this and would not wish him back. He is home now.

It took me almost 6 months to deal normally with my father's death. I was so depressed and wanted to just "join" him for the longest time.
I was very close to my father and took it very hard and for awhile didn't feel like life was worth living without him. I felt I had nothing left. (I had lost both my parents and didn't have Amber...my baby, yet)...I was just very depressed and even went on Prozac for awhile to help cope with it. But God is what ultimately helped me through it.

It does get better. Really it does. *hugs*

My thoughts and prayers are with you Kev.

May I ask, who was Vicki? I am so sorry...I am not online much anymore and missed this...I didn't even know your stepfather had died. I am so sorry.

We are all here for you kev, and any time you need to talk....just talk to us.
Vicki was my little tripod - my adored black and white three legged cat that died in the afternoon and Clive died later that same day.

kev
post #17 of 22
Kev, the best advice for you is that there is no prescribed time frame for grieving. After three weeks, I would be quite surprised that you would not have dreams, and sudden clear memories while you are awake. Its only a problem if this stops you from doing the stuff you need to, like working, and doing what you need to do with your family. Three weeks is no time at all.

When my mother died, it took more than three months for the shock to wear off. I realized that the passage from having someone alive in your life, to that person being "gone" is not achieved in an instant, and I still have a very clear sense of my mother's presence in my life. All that is missing is her physical body, but all of the other stuff that made up our relationship is still there, her opinions, her influence on my, our history together, those have not changed at all.

I would guess that the vivid dreams are your way of keeping that presence alive when your waking hours are too stressful to deal with the things you might want to do some day, like visiting the air field.
post #18 of 22
Yes, even when you're not so close but they symbolize something special in your life. I still occasionally dream about a friend of mine that died in college and the father of my ex (the father was the only decent person in that family). Sometimes when I think about either of them I cry too. It's natural.

Oh, and the college friend who died, died 17 years ago.
post #19 of 22
Thread Starter 
I woke early this morning courtesy of having a son who is 4 today - 364 days of the years he sleeps until 7 - today he sleeps till 5.30! Any way - this dreaming is starting to freak me out. I can remember dreams very easily.
last night I dreamt I was at the local airfield at an air display with Clive and sat having dinner and watching the aircraft land. We watched each one in and land and taxy away - when a huge bomber came in from the US, one used in Iraq that has huge wings etc and I watched it closely as it came in, hit a soft bit of grass and then bounced, corrected this with rudder and then landed, however, some bits came off the aircraft and caused a lot of destruction in other parts of the field.
The fire crews put everything out quick, however, I dreamt of loss of life. later, I was walking with Clive and found a marquee where they were selling things as well as flowers for those that had been killed. I bought flowers and was placing them near the B52 bomber when I saw one of the crew sat in almost tears. I recall I spoke to him and we talked as he said he was the pilot and everything was perfect for the landing, so why had it gone wrong. I left Clive at that point and took the pilot through the people and talked with him. I cleared the security area and then walked over and showed him where the cross wind had forced the airplane over and it had hit very soft ground and created a huge trench by its wheels. He seemed relieved and we had a few beers etc.
The next part - Clive worked on building sites as structural engineer and there was a site next to my office. I went over to see him in my lunch and was talking about the air show and the accident and he was showing me the building. He showed me the paper and photos and then he went back to work.
Its all so very clear in my head of what happened in that dream and now,I am totally messed up in my head. When the hell does this stop?
I am aware that today was the day Clive and I were supposed to go and fly together in the south of the UK and sadly, its not nor ever will happen. I am staying home for Christophers birthday but really am freaked out and messed up.
Thanks for listening. I dont think anyone can understand me these days - do I need hospitalisation and a straight jacket. Men in white coats to take me away????

Kev
feeling like - well suddenly extremely strange
post #20 of 22
Kev, let me tell you about my dreams about my friend Leslie. I didn't mention how she died, but after 6 years of suicide attempts she died of heart failure after a resucitation(sp?). I started having dreams the next school year of her visiting me and she'd always try to get me to go with her, but I was too scared (even in the dreams) to go with her because I thought if I did that meant I'd die. Finally, after school and a failed job attempt in which I'd travelled all the way across the country and back I was living at my parents' and unable to find a job. I dreamed about Leslie and me travelling back from my Grandmother's house, but she was driving and instead of taking me back to my parents' house she drove into the foothills. She stopped the car and we got out and walked down into this valley with golden fields, rimmed by tall green trees. We walked across the fields and through the trees and found ourselves in a Spanish style apartment complex and the dream ended. Within a month I got a job in Boulder, Colorado and on the drive between my parents' and Boulder is a valley with golden fields, rimmed by tall green trees and just past the trees is a Spanish style apartment complex. I lived in Boulder for 5 years, then I dreamed about Leslie again and she took me to this beautiful, semi-tropical, sunny, warm place and within the month I met the man for whom I moved to San Diego (which was where Leslie had taken me). I haven't dreamed of her taking me anywhere recently, but I have dreamed of having parties and picnics with her. We're always happy and I prefer to remember the nice and interesting dreams rather than the last 6 miserable years of her life.

I hope this helps.

Ericka
post #21 of 22
Just wondered how you are doing now Kev. *hugs*
post #22 of 22
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally posted by Debby
Just wondered how you are doing now Kev. *hugs*
In few words - its just taking things day by day and one step at a time - thats all I can really say. Am trying to get my head in gear with wanting to get on with some modelling and wanting to move abroad. However, the only thing I seem to be getting someplace with is the latter.

I watch the sun rise every morning and still ask the one simple question to which I get no reply - why ?

thanks for asking - its never easy.
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