Some of you may know that I struggle with an eating disorder. Some of you may also have noticed that I have been MIA as of late. Well, that is because I entered a partial hospitalization program for my eating disorder in early April. I was in the program for 8 weeks before they decided to step me down to an intensive outpatient program. I wasn't ready and I was very vocal about that fact. But, I think everyone knew that there was no other option -- it was sink or swim. Apparently, effective today, I sank...
After two weeks of trying to get back on track and failing to succeed, I was informed that I could no longer participate in the program. Their recommendation was two-fold. One, there is a second program within the same facility which is more structured and uses a different treatment modality. Two, perhaps a higher level of care altogether is needed. I would be all for the first option, however, there is an extensive wait list. I'd be able to continue on with my current therapist and treatment team, but the issue is whether or not I could maintain medical stability in the time it takes before a place opens up within the program. It would mean no meal support and only a handful of outpatient sessions per week. That is a far cry from the 3+ hours (including two meals) I was spending at the facility daily. My food and fluid intake is severely restricted and, while I am not at a critical weight by anyone's standards, I do have medical complications from my eating disorder. I was seen in the emergency room just this past Monday after I became progressively light-headed and faint. I am not medically unstable in this moment, but, overall, my condition is not good. I should also mention that I am a diabetic. And, that has proven to be a dangerous combination.
I met with my therapist this afternoon following being discharged from the treatment program. By the way, it was not for lack of motivation or willingness -- I want to recover, but the program was not effective for me and my situation. She said that we can try outpatient therapy leading up to when a space would open up within the other treatment program. But, she is concerned. I think we all believe that, in this moment, residential treatment would be best. I even contacted a number of facilities. I have insurance and have met all of my deductible and co-insurance. If I found a facility that would take me, my insurance would theoretically cover 100% of the cost. And, truth be told, there was a facility recommended to me that has a short wait list and would be effective in dealing with my eating disorder and other issues (obsessive-compulsive disorder, trauma). The kicker? They require a deposit of $2,400. I don't have that kind of money and I have no one in my life that I can ask. There is no option for a loan and there is no hidden money squirreled away within a 401K or bond. There are no scholarships to be had. I have asked everyone I know and I am at a standstill. I know I need this treatment, the facility wants to admit me once they have a spot available, and it would give me a chance to truly recover from an eating disorder that I've had since the age of 8. But, as if someone dangled a carrot in front of my face and then tore it away just as I was about to grab hold of it, it is just beyond my reach.
For now, it's as though I am in limbo. I am not giving up, but I know that the outpatient program is not going to meet my needs. It's as though I am in a slow motion train wreck -- I know what is going to happen and I can try to avoid it, but I just missed the chance to change direction and now I am headed for a full-on collision. I've worked so hard to be able to have insurance and to be able to be financially independent. I paid a considerable amount of money for the treatment program I was just discharged from (okay, I was basically told that I could not continue because I was too sick for that level of care). And, I am so very frustrated that I want help and am willing to be uprooted from my life and fight for recovery, but it is just short of attainable. $2,400 is a lot of money, but it seems so trivial that I am losing an opportunity this great for such an amount.
I am slated to continue with my therapist. I can try the outpatient program, but there are a lot of limitations and, truthfully, I think everyone agrees a higher level of care is needed in this moment. The other program has a wait period of 4.5-6 months. I could potentially hold on until then, but that is a long time and I am struggling now. I don't require hospitalization, but I do need residential treatment. It's all very frustrating. It all feels very hopeless. I am, by no means, willing to let this take me down, but I also don't know how to recover on my own. I went from meal support to none. How am I even supposed to get in the food and fluids I need tomorrow?! It is my first day off where I have nothing to do since early this year (as in winter -- early February at the latest), And, it is my first day home with no program to attend. I have no familial support and, well, my friendships are mostly superficial. I am lonely and scared. I feel rejected after being discharged from the treatment program and I feel lost without the support I had from staff and members of the group alike. And, all I want to do is be able to put myself on the waiting list for residential. But, as I was told as a child, "money doesn't grow on trees," "life is not fair," and "you can't always get what you want."
To be honest, I'm not sure why I posted all of this. I have not consistently been around in ages and I am sorry for that. And, I know that my troubles are nothing in comparison to what many face. I feel so much shame and guilt for being open about this issue. Had I tried harder, maybe I wouldn't be in this predicament. But, at the same time, I suppose I just need to know that I am not alone. I want to believe that there is hope -- that money will come and the treatment I need will be available to me. It's a foolish thought. Of course, I will try to fight regardless of whether I am in residential or an outpatient session. But, it's difficult knowing what I need (and what has been recommended by professionals in the field) and not having it be attainable. And, it hurts to know that I can't go to treatment tomorrow. Instead, I have to sit at home, alone, and fight the fight by myself. I am whining again, I'm sorry.
I just want you all to know that, even though I haven't been around as frequently, I have been thinking of you all. And, I've missed you. I am going to try to be more present. I have the time, apparently. This is such a wonderful site with so many wonderful individuals and I have missed being here and participating in discussions -- about cats or otherwise. It's nice to know that you can always come "home." And, this feels like home to me. Even though I am a jumble of emotions, I know that I can come here and share without judgement. So, thank you for listening. And, well, I suppose I'll be seeing you around...
After two weeks of trying to get back on track and failing to succeed, I was informed that I could no longer participate in the program. Their recommendation was two-fold. One, there is a second program within the same facility which is more structured and uses a different treatment modality. Two, perhaps a higher level of care altogether is needed. I would be all for the first option, however, there is an extensive wait list. I'd be able to continue on with my current therapist and treatment team, but the issue is whether or not I could maintain medical stability in the time it takes before a place opens up within the program. It would mean no meal support and only a handful of outpatient sessions per week. That is a far cry from the 3+ hours (including two meals) I was spending at the facility daily. My food and fluid intake is severely restricted and, while I am not at a critical weight by anyone's standards, I do have medical complications from my eating disorder. I was seen in the emergency room just this past Monday after I became progressively light-headed and faint. I am not medically unstable in this moment, but, overall, my condition is not good. I should also mention that I am a diabetic. And, that has proven to be a dangerous combination.
I met with my therapist this afternoon following being discharged from the treatment program. By the way, it was not for lack of motivation or willingness -- I want to recover, but the program was not effective for me and my situation. She said that we can try outpatient therapy leading up to when a space would open up within the other treatment program. But, she is concerned. I think we all believe that, in this moment, residential treatment would be best. I even contacted a number of facilities. I have insurance and have met all of my deductible and co-insurance. If I found a facility that would take me, my insurance would theoretically cover 100% of the cost. And, truth be told, there was a facility recommended to me that has a short wait list and would be effective in dealing with my eating disorder and other issues (obsessive-compulsive disorder, trauma). The kicker? They require a deposit of $2,400. I don't have that kind of money and I have no one in my life that I can ask. There is no option for a loan and there is no hidden money squirreled away within a 401K or bond. There are no scholarships to be had. I have asked everyone I know and I am at a standstill. I know I need this treatment, the facility wants to admit me once they have a spot available, and it would give me a chance to truly recover from an eating disorder that I've had since the age of 8. But, as if someone dangled a carrot in front of my face and then tore it away just as I was about to grab hold of it, it is just beyond my reach.
For now, it's as though I am in limbo. I am not giving up, but I know that the outpatient program is not going to meet my needs. It's as though I am in a slow motion train wreck -- I know what is going to happen and I can try to avoid it, but I just missed the chance to change direction and now I am headed for a full-on collision. I've worked so hard to be able to have insurance and to be able to be financially independent. I paid a considerable amount of money for the treatment program I was just discharged from (okay, I was basically told that I could not continue because I was too sick for that level of care). And, I am so very frustrated that I want help and am willing to be uprooted from my life and fight for recovery, but it is just short of attainable. $2,400 is a lot of money, but it seems so trivial that I am losing an opportunity this great for such an amount.
I am slated to continue with my therapist. I can try the outpatient program, but there are a lot of limitations and, truthfully, I think everyone agrees a higher level of care is needed in this moment. The other program has a wait period of 4.5-6 months. I could potentially hold on until then, but that is a long time and I am struggling now. I don't require hospitalization, but I do need residential treatment. It's all very frustrating. It all feels very hopeless. I am, by no means, willing to let this take me down, but I also don't know how to recover on my own. I went from meal support to none. How am I even supposed to get in the food and fluids I need tomorrow?! It is my first day off where I have nothing to do since early this year (as in winter -- early February at the latest), And, it is my first day home with no program to attend. I have no familial support and, well, my friendships are mostly superficial. I am lonely and scared. I feel rejected after being discharged from the treatment program and I feel lost without the support I had from staff and members of the group alike. And, all I want to do is be able to put myself on the waiting list for residential. But, as I was told as a child, "money doesn't grow on trees," "life is not fair," and "you can't always get what you want."
To be honest, I'm not sure why I posted all of this. I have not consistently been around in ages and I am sorry for that. And, I know that my troubles are nothing in comparison to what many face. I feel so much shame and guilt for being open about this issue. Had I tried harder, maybe I wouldn't be in this predicament. But, at the same time, I suppose I just need to know that I am not alone. I want to believe that there is hope -- that money will come and the treatment I need will be available to me. It's a foolish thought. Of course, I will try to fight regardless of whether I am in residential or an outpatient session. But, it's difficult knowing what I need (and what has been recommended by professionals in the field) and not having it be attainable. And, it hurts to know that I can't go to treatment tomorrow. Instead, I have to sit at home, alone, and fight the fight by myself. I am whining again, I'm sorry.
I just want you all to know that, even though I haven't been around as frequently, I have been thinking of you all. And, I've missed you. I am going to try to be more present. I have the time, apparently. This is such a wonderful site with so many wonderful individuals and I have missed being here and participating in discussions -- about cats or otherwise. It's nice to know that you can always come "home." And, this feels like home to me. Even though I am a jumble of emotions, I know that I can come here and share without judgement. So, thank you for listening. And, well, I suppose I'll be seeing you around...
