Just a little bit of a "family" vent, per usual. *LONG*

Is anyone else out there so blatantly NOT the favored child in the family? How do you deal with the jealousy and the hurt?

I am the oldest & the only female, the responsible one, the one who always cleaned up the messes, smoothed things over, cared for my 2 younger brothers, etc. I have posted on here before about my often strenuous relationship with my mother. Sometimes we can get along pretty well, but are often at odds, and this usually stems from the fact that she always portrays ME as the "black sheep" while my brothers can do no wrong. The youngest I can understand. He has Down Syndrome. I get that.

So let's talk about the other brother, Tyler. Love him to death. He's the one who is a tattoo artist and we get along a lot better now than we did growing up. That being said though, when it comes to mom, he is ONLY around when he wants something, and he often wants something. Tyler says jump, mom says how high. I seriously call him Prince Tyler because of the way mom worships him. Even growing up, he was always in trouble, often with the law, and it wasn't until he became a father that he really grew up. He has an on again/off again relationship with his current gf, and even his job as a tattoo artist isn't incredibly stable. I can't even begin to tell you the amount of money she's given him...

Then there is me, in a very stable relationship (4 years now), with a stable, reliable career (almost 7 years), always the responsible one, the one always doing things for HER. On the rare occasion I HAVE asked mom for help, it has been minimal, and never financial. Even then though all she does is moan and complain about how I am inconveniencing her, how she has better things to do, etc.

A few months back, Mom co-signed on some beautiful furniture for my brother and his gf because he has no credit. (He works for himself so he has no real proof of income.) Dana and I never really bought new furniture because of the cats. Our last set though was getting really wrote off so we purchased a used set online and they delivered. The ad said it was in perfect condition. Not so, it was stained and there were some tears they did not mention at all. NOT IMPRESSED. So, it was then Dana and I decided just to go ahead and purchase new. We COULD save up for a few months and just pay cash, but the local place has a great deal with no interest or payments for 2 years. Dana and I both make decent money but due to bad relationships in our younger years, we are both in the process of repairing our credit, so I brought it up to mom to see if she could co-sign for us as well.

   The first time I brought it up, she changed the subject. Then she tried to say they wouldn't let her because she had already co-signed for Tyler. THEN when I called the company to verify this was NOT true, she hummed and hawed and went on about how she didn't have time anytime soon, and didn't really want to, blah, blah, blah...

Maybe I sound childish, maybe I am overreacting, but after YEARS of dealing with the favoritism and doing nothing to deserve it, I just don't get it. If she said no because she wasn't in the position to do so, fine, but WHY would she do so for my brother and not me? It's hurtful and upsetting. I'm not even so upset about her not co-signing, as I am about the fact that she did so for Tyler, and would do so again in a heart beat. I certainly don't ask my mom for much and I would never take advantage of her but I sit back and watch my brother do so all the time. Just needed to vent guys, sorry. It hurts my heart terribly...

I have seen this many times when one of the kids never seems to really be able to get things together. I think the parents, it usually seems to be the mother, is trying to somehow make things equal between kids. I know with my own kids I was always sensitive to being equal with the kids. They seem to think if they just keep giving to the child that can't get it together they will be okay like their other kids. It doesn't work, they are only enabling the troubled kid to continue the way they are. I don't know your situation but if it's like the others I have seen it isn't that your mother loves you less she is just trying to help your brother.

Here are just a few more examples.

1) When my aunt & uncle offered us our home. The first words out of mom's mouth instead of being happy and excited for us were "Why would they offer it to you?!? Tyler has a son." Well the reason that they didn't offer it to Tyler was because of the instability in his life and they wanted responsible, reliable people living there.

2) I remember years back, before Dana and I got together, I briefly dated a man. We were over at mom's one day and she was talking to my Grandmother. She kept going on and on about how great Tyler is and how talented he is, then went on about my younger brother and was bragging some of his accomplishments. This went on all day, and was right around the time I got a large promotion and things were going pretty well in my life. The man I was dating noticed all of this and literally interrupts mom and says "You have a WONDERFUL daughter too you know, in case you forgot." She just kind of stuttered and changed the subject.

There have been many, many times where I'll be excited and happy about an event in my life and I can't wait to talk to her about it, and when I do, I'll get interrupted and she'll go on "Oh really? Good for you, but did you hear about Tyler and how he did this?" or "That's nice, but Tyler just got this!" etc. etc. etc.
 

It really isn't fair, but I think sometimes parents help the one who they feel needs them the most. 

She feels the need to help your brother have everything that you have and for his life to be together the way your's is. It is unfair but your mother feels she has to do this. It's also unfair to your brother because he isn't standing on his own his mother is still helping him.

Kailie, I know it must hurt you when your mother makes such an obvious difference in what she is willing to do for her children.  Have you ever asked her for a sit down talk and just come out honestly with your feelings like you did here.  If not, it is worth a try to do that.  Maybe she will understand.

Being in the same situation (not the oldest but the girl) I feel for you. 

Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do that will change her.  You have to find a way to live your life and not let it get to you.  This is hard.  But you need to make your peace with the situation or it will drive you crazy.

CheshireCat said:

Being in the same situation (not the oldest but the girl) I feel for you. 

Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do that will change her.  You have to find a way to live your life and not let it get to you.  This is hard.  But you need to make your peace with the situation or it will drive you crazy.

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I have tried SO many times to not let it get to me, to distance myself from her, etc. but I seem to be a sucker for punishment because I keep crawling back for more. I seriously wish my emotions had an "off switch".

blueyedgirl5946 said:

Kailie, I know it must hurt you when your mother makes such an obvious difference in what she is willing to do for her children.  Have you ever asked her for a sit down talk and just come out honestly with your feelings like you did here.  If not, it is worth a try to do that.  Maybe she will understand.

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Yes hun, I have, numerous times but she just gets defensive and mad. I've even suggested family therapy, but she doesn't think we need it.

Your mom doesn't have it together like you do, so she's probably intimidated by you. Your brother, she might feel on some level, needs help and "building up." Either way, your mom doesn't sound very nice or fair, and not very loving to you. I'm sorry.

My mother is a monster. She has said for years that I am her least favorite child (out of four), she even told my mother-in-law that her son got a raw deal, and would have been better off with one of my sisters. (My mother also told my daughter, my only child, from the time she was a baby until I found out when she was five, that SHE was her real mother and was only letting my husband and I raise her. But that's another monster story.)

You are NEVER going to get your mother's approval. You will never be able to show or convince her that you are amazing. Seriously, what more can you do if she doesn't appreciate you by now? Don't waste your time with someone who can never be convinced (for whatever reasons, probably nothing to do with you), instead surround yourself with people who DO "get" you. Don't pay attention to what your mother says. Do what you want for your mother, but draw a line when you don't want to do any more for her and then stop. And don't let her drive a wedge between you and your brother! Good luck!

Kailie, there's that well known saying "If we could chose our family like we can our friends".

Let it go over your head, because we know what a good person you are through what you do for the cats and kittens

Battle it every day so I know how you feel! only now even though I live with my mother we do not speak to each other theres an exchange of Morning to each other but that is it, in the last two weeks we have litteraly said 14 words to each other 30 in the last month it is sad! 

My mother much prefers my youngest brothers partner to my partner when you hear her on the phone to people its always how great her sons are and she has to be prompted t talk about me, and its little things like that which really hurt.

One fantastic example for me atm is my mother thinks its terrible that my bro's partners mam has stopped cooking her meals doing her washing etc BUT my mother has not done anything like that for me for months!! she doesn't see her own hypocrisy as she will cook for my brothers and said girlfriend my middle brother (there's 3 of us I am the oldest) he goes mad with her all the time about how i'm treat my dad hates it to because hes stuck in the middle.

But hand on heart once I move back out I will have nothing to do with her I love my brothers but they do get the best of everything and it makes me feel bitter.

 I'm in your shoes with my mother, too. It's sad. But, for the most part, I've learned to deal with it. In my case, my sister (whom I love dearly) can do no wrong. She's perfect, her husband is perfect, and her kids are perfect.....and I'm pretty sure that little great-grand-daughter (my grandniece) will be perfect, too, when she makes her appearance at the end of May.

My sister and I had this love-hate relationship for years and, as we got older, it got so bad that we didn't speak to each other. We went 14 years not speaking. Not even one word. We could pass each other at the grocery and not acknowledge anything. Thankfully, when my niece got married a few years ago, we went to the wedding and my sister and I were finally able to mend things. But think of all that time we missed! It's so sad. And after talking it out, we realized that it was our mother who had actually created the situation. She played us against each other for years and years and we didn't know. Now that we realize what happened, we don't let it continue. When Mom says something to one of us, we don't take the bait....we drop it and say nothing and that's that. I think she's starting realize that we're not playing her games anymore; when she says something and I ignore it, she's not happy about it.

But when my father was so ill a couple years ago, the home health nurse was at their house. Mom introduced me to her and she said, "Oh, you must be the pretty sister! What a pretty smile!" And my mom said, "OMG, no! This is Pam!" Do you know how much that hurt? And to think that she is still comparing my sister and I, even at our ages. Still talking to people about the two of us. And at the birthday bash I had for Rick last year, Mom was there. My sister and I were sitting at one of the picnic tables talking. Somebody came up to us and mentioned how much we really look alike and how they could really tell we were sisters. Mom overheard and said, "Oh, but Pam is so plain! My-sister's-name  is the pretty one in the family!" She said that in front of everybody, everybody!....and there was dead silence for a few minutes. My sister and I rolled our eyes and changed the subject. But this is stuff that I've lived with all my life. Comments like that. No matter what I've done, no matter how well I've done it, my sister does it better. Mom has always said that it's good I had the brains, because I sure as heck didn't have the looks.

So I agree that you shouldn't waste your time on somebody who really doesn't care. It's not worth it. I deal with my mother as I have to. I make sure that I visit and call her. I make sure that I do something special for her birthday, Mother's Day, and other holidays. If she needs something, I make sure she gets whatever it is she needs. And I love her.....because she is my mother. But there are times when I don't like her very much.

Any family therapy won't work. Your mother doesn't think there's a problem. And if there is, it's your problem, not hers. Trying to talk about it won't work.....again, it's not her problem, it's yours. You're the one who is not understanding, not her. Been there. The best way to deal with it is just to let it slide off your back. I honestly believe that.

Kailie I totally understand your feelings. I have had issues with my mother for many, many, many years. She completely had a change last summer after her near death car accident. It was awful, just a terrible time. But she survived and out of that tragic accident arose a new person :dk: A more understanding and nonjudgemental person. For the first time, ever, we have and are becoming close. I am starting to trust her but at the same time still have my guard up. Before that time, I really had to just carry on with a "superficial" relationship with her. It took it's toll on me and made me very sad how close she was to my brother too, who could do no wrong as well, like your brother. I just had to learn how to deal with that. Of course there were other involving issues between me and her. But she always treated my sister and myself completely different than the boys. I could never do anything right in her eyes. I hope you know you are not alone and I am glad you have so many friends here on TCS that DO understand!!!!! :heart3:

There's been plenty and then some of family intrigues, drama etc. in mine, but having lost my folks (and my mom's family, due to their betrayal -- long sordid story, don't want to go into it, but I have no contact with them any more, my choice) and not knowing where (or if) my brother is, I would just say one thing:  cherish your family while you have them.  Once you don't, you will have the rest of your life to wish you did.  

Sometimes when a parent favors younger children over the eldest, or one gender over the other, there's a history of conflict between that parent and his or her parents, i.e., the grandparents. I've seen this in my own family, my husband's and a couple of friends' families. The grandparent(s) is/are so thrilled with their first (or youngest) grandchild that they come between the kid and his/her parents, often unintentionally. It can happen when the grandparent is the primary caregiver because the parents are both working, because the grandparent has been widowed, recently retired, etc.. Other times I'm not so sure they actually mean well when they undermine the mother's or father's relationship with the child, for example in one case I'm very familiar with grandma was having a rough time with menopause and behaving irrationally.

How many kids are hurt because their grandparents so obviously favor an older or younger sibling? Their only granddaughter over their grandson(s), or vice-versa? How many parents consciously or unconsciously try to offset that by favoring the "rejected" child(ren), or resent their own parents' favorite? There are often more than two generations involved in a problematic parent-child relationship.

 to you Kailie.

I know the feeling. My mother was the same way... belittled me while praising my sister. This continued on for most of my life. Now she has Alzheimer's and I'll never get that peace with her. My dad has helped a lot, ever the peacekeeper. 

I don't really have any advice, just hugs. It's tough being the 'other' child. I'm the baby in my family, and wasn't exactly planned. Mom even told me when I was 9. Yeah, you don' tell your nine-year-old that she was an accident. That's what I put up with. Now, with the Alzheimer's, I have no choice but to let it go. I'll never get acceptance from her, and I know that. Only thing I can think of saying is just keep doing what you're doing. Live your life. I know it bites to not have that acceptance from your mom, but just do your thing, live your life. As long as she doesn't insult you, just keep going. If she does insult you, belittle you, then call her on it. If she wants to throw her money away on your brother, let her. Yes, it would be nice for things to be equal... but it rarely is. You have a wonderful loving relationship, and all that feline affection. That's what matters. 

Amanda

 Kailie!

Parents are difficult and imperfect people. I don't know why we feel we have to please or impress them until the time they leave us. My mom was, is and always will be the opposite of the loving, caring mother portrayed by the media on Mother's Day. We are not close, we do not hug, seek each other's company or get updates on each other's lives. We even say not very nice things about each other to other people. 

I let things slide and not let them get me down. So I hope you do the same. 

You guys are so wonderful... I am really very sorry to ready that others are going through or have gone through this as well though. One day at a time I guess... I'm just an incredibly sensitive, emotional person who takes EVERYTHING to heart.

Some of you may remember my posts about my so-called "family".  My Mom, who died last year, always favored my 3, much-older brothers.  I never got any physical affection, and very little verbal--and even that was negated by the nasty remarks I endured from eveyrone in my "family". I do miss Mom, don't get me wrong, and her death is still affecting me, even almost a year later, but Mom really was not a very nice Mom to me. Here are some highlights of our relationship:

1. "You need to lose weight!"

2. "You're such a disappointment. And I waited 20 years to get a girl."

3. "Clean your brother's room (he was 8 years older than me, and out playing baseball at the time)."

4.  "I'm getting my will made tomorrow.  Your Dad said I should give you the house, should I die. [I was living there, and single, at the time, and did a lot for the house out of my own money. the btoehrs, who are 8, 18, and 20 years older, had houses.]  Do you still want it?" Then , the next day, she told me that "it wouldn't be fair to your brothers, so I'm not leaving you the house; by rights, you should've been out of here YEARS ago." See #5, below...

5.  When I was in my early 20's, and expressed an idea that I could get my own place: "You CAN'T leave me! Your Father and I don't get along! I'd have no one to talk to. I need you here!" She did this every time I suggested moving out. She used guilt to keep me there; then, when Dad died, I felt awful thinking about having my own life, so I stayed. Until the remark in #4, above.  I started looking at houses and having romantic relationships, and eventually found my DH.

6. "You owe your SIL an apology."--SIL had done really nasty stuff to DH and I, which, at the time, everyone in the family said was wrong, even Mom. But, as usual, when they got tired of being nice to me, and nothing was in it for them, they turned on me, including Mom.

7. When I was 8, I had to call Mom at work to tell her that Dad and one brother were having a fight. I wanted her to come home to break it up; I was scared, too. "I can't come home. You have to stop them, I depend on you to be my little peacemaker."  I literally spent my childhood breaking up fist-fights.  An 8-year-old shouldn't have to do that. When I was 10, they had a major one; I thought Dad had killed my brother; he was actually knocked out on the floor. Mom did come home that time.

8. My Dad abused me; he would beat me so badly, the welts and bruises (some on my private parts) would last for a few weeks.  When I complained, Mom would say,"He hits you because he loves you." I am NOT making this up. (I think Dad also molested me--this didn't dawn on me until about 10 years ago, after his death. Out of respect for Mom, I never told anyone. I didn't want her memory of him tarnished. Yeah, I know--this is crazy.)

And my brothers were overheard saying that I was selfish to get married and leave Mom. Where the hell were THEY when I was taking care of her?  I think that's the real reason--now they had to care for her. Boo-hoo. The heart bleeds for them.

My youngest brother was on my side until last month. DH called him to chat, and brother unleashed a 45-minute tirade on him: I "abanonded" Mom; he was the only one who take Mom in (to live with them)--that's funny, as the first inkling I had of her selling the house and moving in with anyone came from her, 2 weeks before she put her house up for sale. I never had a chance to decline or accept her. But I'm still a horrible person for it, though. I'm tight with money, too. I have no idea where that came from, unless it was from bros 1 &2.  I once refused to give one $500 to buy a boat back in 1985. I was working part-time, and making a whopping $3.35/hr., and still saving for my retirement. One brother actually used to borrow my $5 a week allowance from me when I was a teenager.  Yep, the 18-year-older brother, who was married, with a nice house and a kid. But I'm a tightwad. Oh, BTW, this brother is Mom's will executor, and I think he's cheating me out of my share of Mom's will.

I really don't like my "family".

Dang!  Hate to say this, but I can see why.  The thing we hopefully get to realize at some point in our lives is that our parents are PEOPLE, and that there's no blueprint for anyone when they discover they're pregnant or decide to have kids.  Generationally, too, things get passed on -- the good AND the bad, unfortunately.  Sounds like you got dealt a pretty shabby hand.  Props to you for rising above it.  Some of my relatives had a lot of "ish" in their backgrounds, too, and some of them seem to have let it soak in (and it shows) while others seem to have said to themselves, "Well, that's the hand I got dealt; but it doesn't mean I have to be like that, too!" and they really did learn to think for, and depend on, themselves.  I benefit greatly from that.  And I know it can be really tough because our families are supposed to be the closest of anyone to us, the ones we can turn to, the ones who have our back.  Ain't necessarily so, though.  Sometimes it's more like they have something to STAB our back. (I'm the 'black sheep' in mine -- which label I wear proudly.  Wouldn't want to be praised by any of those who diss me.)  In that case, IMHO, it's best to just walk away and make your own world, choose your own friends, and make your own family.  Sounds like you're doing that.  Keep on doing that! and stay strong.     (Another thing that helps me get through, btw, is, of course, knowing that I have the best unconditional love and loyalty money CAN'T buy.  And we all know from whence that comes!  )