1. Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibers. Say this with a
serious face, and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh.
2. Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter
against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 5 and
leave it alone.
3. Dust bunnies should never be disturbed. Rename the area under the
couch "The Galápagos Islands" and claim an ecological exemption.
4. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduces the glare from the
bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points
out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and
exclaim, "What? And spoil the mood?"
5. In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread
magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable Feng
Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll your
eyes when you say it, as though EVERYONE knows this.
6. If dusting is really out of control, simply place a showy urn on the
coffee table and insist, "This is where Aunt Hazel wanted us to scatter
her ashes."
7. If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one
room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy
home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you
to see our den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO
expensive."
8. Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by
claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand-sewn
play animals for underprivileged children
9. Don't bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall
with an assortment of crayons and try to muster a glint of tears as
you say, "Little Joey did this the week before that unspeakable
accident...I haven't had the heart to clean it."
10. Mix one quarter cup pine-scented household cleanser with four cups
of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags
in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto
the couch, and sigh, "I clean and I clean and I still don't get
anywhere..."
serious face, and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh.
2. Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter
against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 5 and
leave it alone.
3. Dust bunnies should never be disturbed. Rename the area under the
couch "The Galápagos Islands" and claim an ecological exemption.
4. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduces the glare from the
bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points
out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and
exclaim, "What? And spoil the mood?"
5. In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread
magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable Feng
Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll your
eyes when you say it, as though EVERYONE knows this.
6. If dusting is really out of control, simply place a showy urn on the
coffee table and insist, "This is where Aunt Hazel wanted us to scatter
her ashes."
7. If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one
room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy
home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you
to see our den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO
expensive."
8. Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by
claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand-sewn
play animals for underprivileged children
9. Don't bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall
with an assortment of crayons and try to muster a glint of tears as
you say, "Little Joey did this the week before that unspeakable
accident...I haven't had the heart to clean it."
10. Mix one quarter cup pine-scented household cleanser with four cups
of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags
in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto
the couch, and sigh, "I clean and I clean and I still don't get
anywhere..."
