I've had it!

My "family" again...

Some background:

1. I have 3 older brothers: I'll call them BRO, Bill and Joe. In 2005, had argument with Mom @ family Xmas party.  SIL and BRO treated DH & I badly over SIL's sister, who had hurt DH & I. Family took our side, until that night. Argued with Mom after SIL & BRO were rude to DH; Mom sided with them.   Told her I didn't like that, & she should act like my mother for once (she was very passive-aggressive, BTW). Patched up with Mom; the rest haven't spoken to me since then. They will not even say "Hi" to me when they see me; they shoot me a dirty look, & walk past. Have exlcuded me from all family news, celebrations, etc. since then. Have 1 brother (who wasn't at the fight) who still speaks to me (we'll call him Bill).

2. Mom died last June. She had moved in with Bill & his wife, after I left home to marry in 2004. Spoke to Bill on the phone a few times in the days after. 

3. Bill told me Mom had stuff for me to pick up, but "Not now."  He wasn't ready yet; told me it'd be at least 1 month; he'd call me. I suggested a family cook-out to honor Mom; he said he'd ask the others. Also said he'd call when we were to mix Mom/Dad's ashes.  Two days after this, I came down with a bad case of bronchitis, and was sick for a few weeks. Hard to chat on the phone...Bill is in a wheelchair, so it didn't surprise me it would take so long to hear from him, as he gets sick often, etc.

4.  Wondered why Bill hadn't called; was worried.  Sent a letter in an Xmas card to him, asking him to call, visit, email, etc. and about Mom's estate (other brother, Joe, is the executor, and does not speak to me). 

Ok, here's today's news: DH was home today; he's been bugging me to call Bill about what's going on. I had the feeling that Bill was not speaking to me now, so I suggested DH call him--Bill & he get along nicely.  Sorry I suggested that--Bill screamed at DH (I was at work); he's angry about my letter at Xmas (admitted he didn't read the letter until January).  He also, like Mom, said I should apologise to SIL & BrO, above, and I was wrong. Don't know how he knows this--he wasn't there, and won't let me explain it to him. He tore into DH for 45 minutes. He also lied to him, saying he had called DH's cell phone, left messages on the home phone--which we know he did not--one can tell. Mom used to lie about this to me, as well, a number of times. He also knows nothing about how Joe is handling Mom's estate.  I realize that creditors must be paid out of Mom's estate, but someone should be keeping me, as an inheritor, informed. I have a copy of her will, BTW.

He also told DH that I abandoned Mom when I got married. I took care of her for over 30 years; they're MUCH older than me, and had their own lives. Where were they THEN? Who do they think gave up her life to stay with Mom? Mom often used guilt to make me live with her. I put my life on hold out of love and guilt, especially after Dad died in 1999. Mom didn't need physical care, BTW--even in her last days, at age 85. She stopped driving, due to "nerves" in 1978, so she needed someone to drive her places.

This family has a REAL problem.  They really don't want to hear from me because they love me. They use phone calls & the lack thereof, as a power thing. Mom did it, & now Bill's doing it. I'm am fed up with these morons. I don't know if I EVER want anything to do with them ever again. They can shove it.

I now have a huge headache...

DH just told me that Bill is now angry because I inquired about whether Joe (the executor of Mom's estate) has kept any of the brothers abreast of what's going on with Mom's estate.  She died in June.  I'd like to know, as I don't trust Joe to give me my share (I have a copy of her will, and the estate is to be split amongst we 4 children.)

And this headache won't go away.

Speak to a lawyer and have HIM go after your brother/brother's lawyer. He is mad already so it doesn't matter anymore.

I've tried calling Mom's lawyer (with whom she had her will) 3 weeks ago.  I thought he may be able to tell me something about the procedures with an estate, and what my rights are. However, he was out of the office that day; I was told to leave a voicemail, which I did. I haven't gotten a reply. To make it even worse, I have to take days off work to do that (I have no privacy at work; everyone can hear your phone conversations; plus it make take a long time to do).

I don't know if I can afford a lawyer, though...any suggestions? thanks.

You know, after my mom died I was SO glad I was an only child because I saw what my mom's siblings went through after my grandfather died. My one Uncle still says I'm his only family, he won't talk to his 2 remaining sisters. If the will is being taken care of locally, take your own copy of the will to the Register of Wills (or Orphan's Court, it has different names in different counties/states) and tell them you are concerned that your brother isn't handling it right and ask for the status.

I will say, settling an estate can take some time depending on the property owned and the debts accumulated. It took me almost 2 yrs to settle my mom's estate, partly because I just didn't want to deal with it put it off until I absolutely had to do something (plus ask for multiple extensions), and also trying to sell her house. But you should be ask the status. In Maryland, I think you have a year to settle before you have to start asking for extensions (which you would be notified of).

I don't know what to tell you about your family honestly. Is there any way you could go see Bill face to face, no warning, and see what his problem is? Death sometimes brings out the worst in families due to the stress and loss I guess, but something seems to have been festering here long before. I think a face to face Q and A might shed some light on things and let you explain your side.

MargeCat said:

I've tried calling Mom's lawyer (with whom she had her will) 3 weeks ago.  I thought he may be able to tell me something about the procedures with an estate, and what my rights are. However, he was out of the office that day; I was told to leave a voicemail, which I did. I haven't gotten a reply. To make it even worse, I have to take days off work to do that (I have no privacy at work; everyone can hear your phone conversations; plus it make take a long time to do).

I don't know if I can afford a lawyer, though...any suggestions? thanks.

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Honestly, I don't know if you have to contact a lawyer since the WILL states certain things. That binds the executor BY LAW to distribute everything based on your mom's wishes. You should only have to contact a lawyer if your brother didn't follow her wishes. Unless there is a more recent will floating around, and in that case I don't know what you can do.

The things you are supposed to pick up, are they things left to you in the will? Or things you would like to have for sentimental reasons?
 

Thank you for the ideas. I do have access to the Registrar of Wills at our courthouse (I work for the system!). I never thought of that.

My Mom's estate should be quite simple. She had no house, no car, no credit cards; no debt, except for some medical bills at the end. If it weren't for the fact Joe doesn't speak to me, I probably wouldn't question all of this. But frankly, I don't trust him. He hates me. This all is so ugly to be dealing with.  I feel callous asking about it, but I just get this nagging feeling in my gut that something's not right about Joe.  My best friend lives 2 doors down from him, and knows him very well. She told me that he's been spending a lot of money in the last couple of months.  (They no longer speak to her, either, since she's my friend, so she just observes this going on from afar.) This isn't how I should be mourning my Mom.

I have the most recent copy of the will. The week afte rMom died, I received a letter from the lawyer, saying that I was mentioned in the will, and that I could obtain a copy through the Registrar of Wills, which I did.

The box at Bill's house is just some small, sentimental stuff and a letter that Mom wrote me shortly before she died, and her wedding ring. The will's contents would only be actual money; there was no mention of actual items of property in her will (she had very little, after selling her house and moving in with Bill).

calico2222 said:

Honestly, I don't know if you have to contact a lawyer since the WILL states certain things. That binds the executor BY LAW to distribute everything based on your mom's wishes. You should only have to contact a lawyer if your brother didn't follow her wishes. Unless there is a more recent will floating around, and in that case I don't know what you can do.

The things you are supposed to pick up, are they things left to you in the will? Or things you would like to have for sentimental reasons?
 

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MargeCat said:

Thank you for the ideas. I do have access to the Registrar of Wills at our courthouse (I work for the system!). I never thought of that.

My Mom's estate should be quite simple. She had no house, no car, no credit cards; no debt, except for some medical bills at the end. If it weren't for the fact Joe doesn't speak to me, I probably wouldn't question all of this. But frankly, I don't trust him. He hates me. This all is so ugly to be dealing with.  I feel callous asking about it, but I just get this nagging feeling in my gut that something's not right about Joe.  My best friend lives 2 doors down from him, and knows him very well. She told me that he's been spending a lot of money in the last couple of months.  (They no longer speak to her, either, since she's my friend, so she just observes this going on from afar.) This isn't how I should be mourning my Mom.

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Marge, I would check with the Registrar of Wills. You mom may not have had a lot of property, but there could have been life insurance that he found that he is blowing.

As for the box at Bill's house, If it wasn't left to you in the will that may be between you and Bill. 

I agree you shouldn't have to be dealing with this, but death brings out the worst in families. I have one Aunt I really don't care if I hear from again. I think some times the drama is a way to NOT think about the person they lost. This is not an excuse but and observation.  One of my Aunts got down right nasty with me about cleaning out HER parents (my grandparents) house. Like, it was MY responsibility to help her when I was taking care of my mom (her sister) when she was dying. Ummmm....NO. To this day, I really don't care if I hear from her or any of my cousins again. Honestly. Family can get nasty.

So, I completely understand. 

Marge, families can get really, really ugly when an estate is involved.  The fact that you and your brothers are at odds already just makes it worse.

When my FIL died suddenly years ago, he had no will but had made his wishes known to all his siblings and his 2 sons.  He had no estate to speak of---a tiny house that wasn't worth much, a beat-up old car, and a small life insurance policy that named my DH as beneficiary.  My BIL and DH both agreed that I should be appointed executor/administrator of the estate.  Legally, DH was intitled to the entire insurance policy since he was the only beneficiary listed.  We all knew that my FIL wanted my BIL to have his house (he's a bum, has no job, no money, and would have been out on the street otherwise).  My DH, bless his heart, decided it wasn't fair that he get the entire insurance check and told the attorney over-seeing the estate that he wanted to split it 50/50.  My BIL, the fool, got drunk one night, called DH and said he was going to kill him, that he deserved the house and the money.  (what a guy)

By the time it was all said and done, DH and BIL split everything 50/50, down to the penny.  To this day, my BIL still tells people how his brother cheated him.

If Bill lives close enough, I would drop by to pick up the box he has for you.  As for Joe, I think someone needs to check into where's he's getting the cash he's spending.  You said you've left a voice mail for your Mom's attoney; keep at him!  Call him every day if you have to.  The longer this goes on, the more problems you may run into.

I truly wish you the best of luck in dealing with this situation.

Well, the plot thickens. I called the Register of Wills. It seems my brother paid the estate taxes on September 9, 2011.  I asked the clerk at what point in the estate process one usually pays the taxes; she told me after all of the debts, bills, etc. have been settled, and that the money could be given to the heirs at that point. In other words, he has my money (should there be any left).  And people wonder why I hate my so-called "family"?

I've been asking questions on an online legal forum.  They told me I should contact my brother, perhaps by letter, threatening legal action. Like that's going to get anywhere with him. Any other ideas, apart from hiring a lawyer, which I don't think I can afford? Thanks.

Do you have a law school around you? The one here will help people out for a drastically reduced cost as part of their experience. You get a student or two, as well as the professor (lawyer) overseeing them. 

Are you in Maryland? If so, check out the Legal Aid Bureau, they may be able to help you. http://www.mdlab.org/

If you aren't in Maryland, google Legal Aid and your state for a bureau near you. 

I dread the day when my parents pass away. I am my mom's only child, she has flat out told me that I will be getting more than my sisters (Dad's first marriage). My Dad has told me that I will be executor of his will with one of my sisters, my main roll will be to sell any inventory he has as my sisters don't know squat about it. My one sister and I are not on very good terms right now (not the one that I would be working with), my father isn't either. Both of my parents are in their sixties, my dad is getting close to seventy. He's to the point where he doesn't care if they speak again, it's too much stress for him. The last straw was when my sister failed to call me to tell me that she was engaged, she said she tried to call me but that I don't have voice mail (total lie, I have voicemail and caller ID, she didn't even try), she didn't bother to text me either. I have a feeling that when he passes it's just going to cause a lot of resentment, stress and heartache. I'm sorry you're having to go through all of this. 

Hon, each state is different, so don't take what I say as gospel, but in MD you don't have to pay estate taxes unless the estate is worth more than $150,000 for a small estate (back in 2005). Check with your state and see what the law is there. Mom's estate fell just below the tax line in 2005 so I didn't have to pay anything, but legislation may have changed.

Bottom line, I think your brother is screwing you out of your inheritance. The Register of Wills should be the ones to go to at this point. They are the ones that need to see that everything has been paid out with documentation. When I filed my mom's estate, I had to show proof with cashed checks and a breakdown, complete with bank statements, and everything had to match up including credit card payments, medical bill payments, utility bill payments, and payments to me (as executor) for daily expenses. I would think, as a beneficiary, you would be able to get records to what is paid and what wasn't.

I'm wondering if the "estate taxes" she was talking about wasn't just the IRS taxes for the estate. If so, the refund would have gone in to the estate account (which he may be spending).

Sounds like a nightmare and I wish I could help you more, but I don't know your state laws. I would contact RoW again and see exactly where it stands as in what exactly HAS been paid.

I think my first move would be to send Joe a registered letter asking how the settlement of your Mom's estate is going.  Tell him you have consulted a lawyer (which you have, sort of).  Let him know that, as a beneficiary, you want and are entitled to a full accounting of how things stand. 

Sad to say, this may get to the point where you have to sue Joe to recover what you're entitled to.

I hope you and Bill can make peace; as for Joe, I'd say you're much better off without his drama in your life.

Good luck; I'm afraid you're going to need it.

Unfortunately, it sounds like Joe has moved all of your mom's assets into his possession. As executor, he can legally do this to pay off debts or just to manage her estate. It is illegal for him to use her money as his own. However, if nobody enforces the law, he can get away with it. Sure, he's supposed to divide it up and give it out fairly, but if he spends it all first (or hides it away in bank accounts), there will be nothing left to divide. 

I've never seen an executor or executrix be on the up-and-up when they put all the deceased assets in his or her own name. Almost always, they do this for their benefit. A fair executor will keep the assets in the "estate" until they are given out to the beneficiaries. Your brother needs to legally explain why he put her assets in his name, and he needs a really good reason! Also, in some states, if you pay property taxes for x-number of years, you then OWN the property. But I don't think you have to worry about that, it looks like your brother already owns it all.

I'm afraid your mom's will means nothing unless you challenge your brother Joe. You need a good estate attorney. I know it's not cheap, but seriously you stand to inherit zero otherwise. A few hundred dollars may be what gets you your inheritance.

Even siblings who get along are sometimes very tempted when they find out they are in charge; some try to take it all, and it sounds like you are being left out on purpose. Time can be critical in these matters, after 9 months certain things can no longer be legally done, also there are changes after 2 years. But your brother can hold on to the estate as his as long as he wants, even use it up, if nobody legally complains.

An estate attorney can answer your questions, you need one on your side! I'd send a blanket email to all the estate attorneys in your area, briefly explaining your situation. More than half of them will tell you they can't help you, a few will email back or call you and talk to you. This is all free, up until the point when you tell one you want hire him or her. You can get a lot of info during this "free" phase, if I were you I'd be emailing attorneys today. Don't hire until you've met the attorney or at least talked on the phone. You can get a real sense if this person wants to help you out or not, and how professional he or she is. (Also ask if the attorney you are speaking with will be handling your case or if it will be handed to someone else, just so you know.)

You need to legally force your brother to give you your share, or you could very well end up with nothing. You can't sue him for your share of the estate if it's gone. You have the law on your side but you have to act. I hope it works out; I know how tough it is with greedy crazy family.

p.s. I'm guessing you don't have an inventory of the estate; someone needed to do one before the will could be probated. Your attorney will be able to find out what is happening with the estate, get you a copy of the inventory, and can force everything to be done legally and a timely fashion. If your brother is spending your mother's assets, the inventory will be critical, because he will have to account for anything that is missing. 

I contacted the Register of Wills yesterday (which is how I know all of the info here), and am requesting copies of the estate inventory, etc.

If I could prove that Joe kept my share of the estate, and he spent it, wouldn't he have to make restitution to me in some way, such as selling his house, etc. to raise the cash?

SwampWitch said:

p.s. I'm guessing you don't have an inventory of the estate; someone needed to do one before the will could be probated. Your attorney will be able to find out what is happening with the estate, get you a copy of the inventory, and can force everything to be done legally and a timely fashion. If your brother is spending your mother's assets, the inventory will be critical, because he will have to account for anything that is missing. 

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MargeCat said:

If I could prove that Joe kept my share of the estate, and he spent it, wouldn't he have to make restitution to me in some way, such as selling his house, etc. to raise the cash?

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Yes, you could bring litigation against him if he does that, and if he has assets he can sell to pay you. Don't be too fooled, though, if he's stealing from your mom, he might have debt you don't know about; many people don't really own their houses, either, although it appears they do. I don't know where you live, but in Texas the executor has, I believe, 2 years to divide the estate. If nothing is done by that time, then the beneficiaries can bring in the legal process to get their inheritance. The problem is the two years if he's bleeding money out of the estate. It's a lot easier to let him know now that you are on top of things legally, and are represented by a qualified attorney, and you expect your full due. Trying to get blood from a rock later is not as easy and can take years and years.  

When I was looking for an attorney for my father's estate, one candidate (we ended up hiring him) told me, that in these situations, the unscrupulous people know the law and know how to work around it. Honest people often don't really know what's going on, they rely on the ones given the power to do the right thing. Problem is, power corrupts and people get greedy. Honest people need legal help more than anyone. If the estate is not large, you can just explain that to the attorneys, and he or she will usually adjust prices accordingly. Ask how much it will cost you, you can get an exact quote. It's possible all you need is a good strong letter from an attorney to scare your brother into action. You deserve to have what your mom left you.