Tension between boyfriend and sister growing

I don't know what to do anymore.

My sister and my boyfriend have never been on the best of terms with each other. My sister has some emotional problems which my family are use to dealing with and well my boyfriend doesn't get why we "tip toe around her."  I admit my sister is not the easiest to get along with, she's controlling, has a horrible temper, she nosy and she can be quite selfish sometimes. I hate to say this but she also has some deep rooted jealously when it comes to Matt and my relationship, she hasn't had the best luck in relationships and I think she hates that Matt and I are closer than what her and her fiance are or probably never will be.  While I admit that it may be partially my fault that Matt doesn't like my sister much since (as in most relationships) I tend tell him when I'm upset so he hears all the bad things. I try to tell him that my sister isn't that bad, that she can't help the way she is (she has chemical imbalances that causes her moods to be as they are) but he says that it doesn't excuse her from treating me and my family like crap.

Well today things got a lot worse and in the course of Matt ranting about my sister, he said somethings that ended up hurting me a lot. Well Matt wants to get me a really nice laptop for my birthday because my current laptop can't do much more than boot up. He knows I would like to be able to play Sims3 and maybe some other games so he wants to get me the Alienware M14x (waay more power than what I need but he has his mind set on it.)    He thought he would be nice and ask my parents and/or my sister wanted to pitch in because a) it would make it easier on our pocket-we can afford it 2x over but still its a lot of money and 2) the most important reason, its a way for everyone to get me a present that I really want/need.   So he sent my sister a private message on facebook to ask if she wanted to pitch in or not, she said that she would.   Well I woke up this morning and saw that I had a text from my sister to call her early this afternoon.  When I called her, she immediately started ragging on me about how we shouldn't be spending all this money and how we're getting over our heads and that we should put this money away. She didn't even try to make any small talk before she started in on me. While I knew about Matt wanting to get me the laptop, I didn't know he was trying to make a joint present so my sister let it out of the bag.  Anyways, that ticked me off, I mean I know she's just worried about me and doesn't want us to get over our heads but the way she said it and the fact that she just bought herself a $1200 camera just ticked me off.  I'm sorry when you spend that much on a camera then you shouldn't be trying to tell us to not get something.   Anyways, when Matt woke up I told him about the phone call and he, well, freaked out.     He felt like he was just betrayed, he doesn't even like my sister but he was making an effort to include her on my birthday present and she turned around and ragged on me about money. She didn't even voice her concern to him about the money, she went straight to me which ruined the surprise that everyone was pitching in together to get it. Matt wanted to send her an angry note telling her that he doesn't want her money because of the stunt she pulled with me on the phone but I told him not to. I told him that if he and my sister got into a huge argument because of my birthday present then I wouldn't even want the laptop any more because it would just be a reminder of the argument. I told him that I would talk to her Saturday night when I go over to her house for dinner but he was convinced that it wouldn't do any good because I never want to say anything to make her angry.   Anyways he finally agreed not to say anything but he went on ranting about my sister. This is when things take a turn for the worse, in his thoughtless ranting, he ended up saying how my sister makes him want to trade in for a new future sister-in-law and that he's not going to want to take the next step in our relationship because of my sister always butting in.  This devastated me and I went to the other room.  The fact that he didn't even come in to try to apologize for what he said made it hurt even more.  Finally after 3 hours, he finally comes in.  We eventually made up, he was angry and wasn't thinking about what was coming out of his mouth which I understand because everyone says things that they don't mean when they're angry. He told me that he thought that I wanted to be alone which is why he didn't come in earlier  but he didn't want to go to work without talking to me either.  That is probably my fault because when we first moved out I told him that if I'm angry and if I go into another room and close the door, leave me alone for a while until I can calm myself down....well he mistook my disappointment and sadness for anger and thought I wanted to be left alone.   I told him if I go into another room after something like that was said then its best for him to come in as soon as possible to apologize, even if he doesn't know what to say, he needs to come in and at least try to comfort me some how.

Anyways, I'm just at my wits end. I don't know what to do, I don't want my boyfriend and my sister to have bad blood between them because well Matt and I are going to get married eventually and if they absolutely hate each other then family get together will be even more tense then what they already are. My boyfriend is worried that my sister is going to want to control every part of our relationship from marriage to house buying to kids and he's afraid if he tells her off then he's going to cast as the bad guy by my family. I told him this is ridiculous, that my parents know my sister's temper and they would never expect us to let my sister rule our relationship without a fight.  He doesn't really believe me but he said that he won't give my sister the pleasure of breaking our close relationship.

I just don't what can be done, if anything about their relationship.  

First step----------sister knows NOTHING about your life for now on!  I mean NOTHING!  Do NOT talk to her about your life with Matt-home/money/love/hate NOTHING!

Your sister can/will run your life IF you let her!  It is up to YOU to not allow it to happen.  What happens in your life has NOTHING to do with her.

There have been many relationships ruined by the family. Matt has already said he is worried.  It is up to YOU to make sure his worries are for nothing.

For now on do not talk to Matt about your sister.  Limit your time spent with your sister. Unfriend her on Facebook NOW! 

Yes she will be upset BUT really how does that hurt you?  It will help you in the long run. She sounds toxic.

Sister rules-no talk about YOUR life

                -only talk about weather

                -walk away if she tries to "get in" your life

In the long run everyone will be better off.

GOOD LUCK and HUGS!

Kim (yes I have had to do this but it was with my MOTHER!)

Ah, well, as one wise person said, the difference between family and friends is that we get to choose our friends.  I think all of us have relatives who, if we had any choice, we probably wouldn't associate with.

I think kimkats' suggestion should be a worst-case scenerio. It doesn't sound like your sister is that out of control (I mean not bad enough to be completely cut off, not that what she's doing is alright). You should definitely never talk to her about Matt in any way, shape, or form, and not talk to Matt about her. Try keeping them seperated in your life and see if that helps. You and your family know how to deal with your sister, and it doesn't sound like Matt wants anything to do with that, which you really can't blame him for since he signed up for a relationship with you, not to constantly babysit your sister's wild temperment. Even if Matt understands that your sister has a chemical imbalance, he doesn't love your sister like your family does. He doesn't have the unending well of patience that accompanies dealing with that day-in and day-out for decades.

From Matt's perspective, he loves you, not your sister. He didn't enter a relationship with you just so he could pander to your sister's whims. It does sound like your sister is trying to undermine your relationship out of jealousy, which is not something I would want to deal with in a relationship. My recommendation would be to have a serious talk with your sister about these issues and how her blatant disregard for your relationship with Matt will force you to make a choice between the two of them that might not sit well with your sister, or you need to never have Matt around your sister again.

can I offer you a piece of computer related advice? Do a bit of research on the Alien computer. They used to be a great gaming brand but since being bought by Dell there are other options that are just as powerful but not as expensive. If you have your heart set on an Alien then go for it, but at the same time know that Gary's sisters HP can run Sims 3 completely fine, and mine could if I had the memory space for it.

Sorry for the slow response.   Been a little busy but good news is that my sister has apologized to both of us, which is more than what she usually does.

 

capt_jordi said:

can I offer you a piece of computer related advice? Do a bit of research on the Alien computer. They used to be a great gaming brand but since being bought by Dell there are other options that are just as powerful but not as expensive. If you have your heart set on an Alien then go for it, but at the same time know that Gary's sisters HP can run Sims 3 completely fine, and mine could if I had the memory space for it.

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My boyfriend has done about a month's worth of research on several brands....except for HP, lol he's one of those people that think HP is the worst computer company and that all their computers are horrible....can't convince him otherwise.(He says HP should have stuck to what they knew, printers)  But he's pretty computer savvy, and he's was a little iffy too when he found out Alienware was a part of Dell now but like I said he's done alot, alot of homework.  Plus his laptop is a Dell and he has nothing but praise for it, as he puts it, "My Dell is 7 years older than your HP and is still running better than your HP ever did"     He's getting the best warranty on it so if anything wrong with it, we can get it exchanged.
 

kimkats000 said:

First step----------sister knows NOTHING about your life for now on!  I mean NOTHING!  Do NOT talk to her about your life with Matt-home/money/love/hate NOTHING!

Your sister can/will run your life IF you let her!  It is up to YOU to not allow it to happen.  What happens in your life has NOTHING to do with her.

There have been many relationships ruined by the family. Matt has already said he is worried.  It is up to YOU to make sure his worries are for nothing.

For now on do not talk to Matt about your sister.  Limit your time spent with your sister. Unfriend her on Facebook NOW! 

Yes she will be upset BUT really how does that hurt you?  It will help you in the long run. She sounds toxic.

Sister rules-no talk about YOUR life

                -only talk about weather

                -walk away if she tries to "get in" your life

In the long run everyone will be better off.

GOOD LUCK and HUGS!

Kim (yes I have had to do this but it was with my MOTHER!)

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Yeah, our relationship is already close to that. I don't really talk to her about much but despite how much Matt dislikes my sister, he still wants to attempt to include her on joint presents. It would be weird if he offered the chance to my parents and not her.   

The thing with my sister is that she honestly wants the best for me. Its always been that way and its really hard for her to understand that the role of protector isn't her anymore. 

Plus a thing about my sister, you can't just walk away. Well now I can ignore her phone calls but then I'll get calls from her waking me up and then phone calls from my parents telling me that my sister is worried about me, yada yada, but ignoring my sister has never been the best route to handle her.    

Anyways, I will never unFriend her on Facebook and I will never not talk to Matt about her.   That's no relationship at all if I can't talk to my boyfriend about my sister, the whole point of being in a serious relationship is to be able to talk to each other about family problems or problems in general.   I'd literally go mad if I couldn't vent to him, after dealing with  my sister for close to 24 years, being able to vent is the only way I've kept my sanity.  I wasn't raised to ignore a relative just because they're hard to deal with. She's a part of my family and just because she has some mental instability doesn't mean I should cut her from my life. She honestly can't help how she is, she's worried about her little sister and thinks its her role of big sister to take care of me. Its just hard for her to accept that its not her role anymore unless I ask for her opinion.

rad65 said:

I think kimkats' suggestion should be a worst-case scenerio. It doesn't sound like your sister is that out of control (I mean not bad enough to be completely cut off, not that what she's doing is alright). You should definitely never talk to her about Matt in any way, shape, or form, and not talk to Matt about her. Try keeping them seperated in your life and see if that helps. You and your family know how to deal with your sister, and it doesn't sound like Matt wants anything to do with that, which you really can't blame him for since he signed up for a relationship with you, not to constantly babysit your sister's wild temperment. Even if Matt understands that your sister has a chemical imbalance, he doesn't love your sister like your family does. He doesn't have the unending well of patience that accompanies dealing with that day-in and day-out for decades.

From Matt's perspective, he loves you, not your sister. He didn't enter a relationship with you just so he could pander to your sister's whims. It does sound like your sister is trying to undermine your relationship out of jealousy, which is not something I would want to deal with in a relationship. My recommendation would be to have a serious talk with your sister about these issues and how her blatant disregard for your relationship with Matt will force you to make a choice between the two of them that might not sit well with your sister, or you need to never have Matt around your sister again.

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I don't talk about Matt to my sister very often, when we hang out together, we tend to keep clear of conversations about our significant others. Too touchy of subject for both of us.    Like I stated before, being about to talk about problems involving my sister has literally been the only way I've stayed sane living with her.    When I lived at home I thankfully had my mom to vent to whenever I needed, now I only have 1 day a week if that, to talk to my mother which means Matt hears more about my sister than what he used too.   He's witnessed my sister's temper before and he's listened to me vent about her before.   The problem this time is that he's not only angry about how my sister decided to lecture me about money but he feels betrayed because he wanted to include her in getting this laptop for me but wanted the fact it was a joint present to remain a surprise until I got it. Her phone call ruined that surprise, that ticked him off more than anything this time.

As for the serious talk, those seldom go very well. She's one of those people who seldom does wrong and like I said, she has apologized to us, which surprised the heck out of my boyfriend since he knows she rarely apologizes.

Matt must REALLY love you.

First off, you don't have to tell Matt every little thing you and your sister argue, talk about. If it is something you know will upset him, why do you have to share? The conversation with her about the computer didn't have to be shared. You control most of the impressions they have of each other and if you run to each of them with bad things about the other, you will only succeed in driving the wedge further.

You will save yourself a lot of heartburn if you just learn to keep some things to yourself.

okay yeah the old dells are great! My friend has one from 2004 that is still going like a champ, but the new ones are absolute garbage. Another friend has had hers replaced twice within a year of purchase and it should have been replaced again, but they didnt put a sticker on the laptop with they shipped it off so there is no way to prove it is hers or that she even bought it. 

capt_jordi said:

okay yeah the old dells are great! My friend has one from 2004 that is still going like a champ, but the new ones are absolute garbage. Another friend has had hers replaced twice within a year of purchase and it should have been replaced again, but they didnt put a sticker on the laptop with they shipped it off so there is no way to prove it is hers or that she even bought it. 

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Yeah, we're getting the 2 yr advanced warranty on the one he's getting me, which covers everything including damage caused buy spilling liquid on it, which is usually not covered in normal warranties

RAFM said:

First off, you don't have to tell Matt every little thing you and your sister argue, talk about. If it is something you know will upset him, why do you have to share? The conversation with her about the computer didn't have to be shared. You control most of the impressions they have of each other and if you run to each of them with bad things about the other, you will only succeed in driving the wedge further.
You will save yourself a lot of heartburn if you just learn to keep some things to yourself.

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Well I don't talk about every argument that my sister and I have, I only talk about the ones that really boil my blood which really doesn't happen very often. Many of the arguments that my sister and I have can be brushed off pretty easily. Of course there's examples of my sister's...issues that Matt can't help be see for himself.     We all went to the zoo last year for my birthday.  It was super windy and my sister got mad at me because I had asked her the time a 2nd time because I couldn't hear her over the wind. She accused me of not paying attention and ignoring her. Obviously that didn't settle too well with Matt.    I can't always keep them separate, even if I never talk to Matt about any arguments, he's still not going to like her and he'll still witness her anger problems one way or another.
 

SwampWitch said:

Matt must REALLY love you.

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 I know, he's so wonderful

Wow! I know this forum is 2 years old but I absolutely had to reply because your situation is exactly the same as mine. I have an older sister who has some issues very similar to your sister. My boyfriend's name is also Matt and he too cannot understand why my family and I tolerate her behaviour.Often, alike you, I vent to him when we've had an argument, sometimes because I have to get things off my chest but  usually because I have to explain to him why I'm feeling angry or upset. He has really grown to dislike my sister so now family events are extremely tense and awkward. I would love to know how things are going for you and whether you reached any sort of solution or comprise to your situation. 

Just as another side I am also around your age and I too like the sims; so many similarities to our lives!

wow this forum is very old, but I came here because im experiencing the same thing.

my sister and Boyfriend had a fight yesterday because he feels she is too opinionated which can come off as disrespectful at times because of the tone she uses.

i have pointed out where he is at fault at times and he tried to apologize but my sister took offense and thought it was an attack. her fiance, worst of all wont see the error of her ways either. they have both opted not to be in the same room. so none of them are attending my birthday celebration. my sister doesnt want him at her wedding and he says he doesn't want her at his when we decide to get married.

it is the worst feeling ever and im very emotional about it. i literally cry every time i think about it. i don't know what to do at this point because I thought asking them to talk about the issues they have would help somewhat but it only escalated the problem.