Is it too much to ask?

For grown ups to act like, well, grown ups occasionally?

*sorry rant time, long post*

So I feel like I have been invaded, to some degree. But first I need to give some background......

Years ago I had this group of friends I hung around (All good, church friends). I was dating one of them (way before ricky came along), and he got busted by the FBI for chilld porn (long story. Another time). So naturally that split us up, and drastically changed the friendship cuz just ew. Anyway...... Fast forwarding many years.

I kept up a friendship with one of the original group- Call him Ronald. (Aside from the x, the others had moved away or lost contact etc), and this is a good friend I have known for probably 10+ years. Up until the past year, I had been this crazy "Old Mel", as evidenced by being so engrossed and shaken by the borderline personality disorder. Suffice it to say I was very immature, childish, and found that kind of stuff funny. I don't anymore, since I have become "the new mel", I have matured and grown ALOT the past year.

The last game night we had was at this friends house (normally DH and I host, and its our small group of close knit friends) we don't LIKE anyone invading. So with the move, we decided we were going to have Ronald host it at his house, which proved to be one headache after the next. Now alot of you have heard/read my posts about the amazing super awesome Nick that is our best friend. The reserved, proper law school graduate who if it had not been for him, I would still be stuck in this neurotic - borderline clingy childish state.

So knowing our close knit group (Me, DH, Nick, and Ronald) - Ronald invited some of his friends from his church. The red flag was, he didn't even ask us what we thought- he just pushed them on us. Enter the crazy friends. Loud cackling, laughing, & screeching. Ronald who is great but so annoying at times. we took a vote on what game to play for game night. Majority said Monopoly, but the problem is - Ronald and 2 of the others didn't want to play. So chaos ensues. You have the group that wants to play, that is laid back & reserved - Nick, Myself, DH and one other. What happens?

# 1- Loud cackling laughter, reminisciant of school girl teenager - The age of the person: 32

# 2 - Ronald has a knack for drawing all attention to him with non funny videos, songs etc- not only does he INSIST people watch them, he literally shoves the iPAD in their face to make them watch. I don't find his style of humor funny, even though I did at one point- it's childish, and I have matured and grown up- changed for the better.

And lastly, something I call "implied consent" happened when the X grabbed my phone and said here let me show you something. Implied consent is what happens when you imply the consent of the other person. Example:

When you come over Friday, can you bring milk? - The problem is, you never asked Can you come over Friday- it was assumed they would.

So that brings us to today.

I talk to Ronald about the surprise party for DH birthday coming up, and he says "Do you want to plan one for (x's name) too?

I say, DH is awkward considering x's and my extensive past history- plus he just doesn't know him. So we come to the conclusion, I am not hosting the party for X- but if Ronald wants to, feel free- and we will attend (as there is slight friendship there with X and I). So chaos ensues again, when I agree to come to the party- but ask Ronald to please please keep some degree of order in his house. I tell him the game night was really hard for me to handle, and I can't handle "Out of control craziness"" again, so naturally he asks what I mean. I explain about the videos, the laughing etc......... He says I have no right to try and control how people behave. I say its not crazy to expect adults to act like, well; adults.

Thoughts??

No, you can't change them. Things you cannot control: add friends to the list.

I'd try to find new friends. But this is coming from me, who has been known to completely cut someone out of my life, point blank if I can't stand to be around them. I can detach myself pretty easily, as most people annoy me.

Well, the bad thing about not being the host is you don't get to make the rules. The good thing is you can leave whenever you aren't having fun anymore. Perhaps you can talk to your husband ahead of time and arrange some type of signal that indicates that you (or he) is getting annoyed and ready to leave.

We have to rely on others for transporation.

So add to the predicament today:

Ronald - who was invited to our open house come & go housewarming today (a closed event for close friends and family), has invited this brood of nonsense people to come. I told him no, I didn't want them coming. Now he is mad--- And im functioning on 2 hours of sleep- This just isn't my day!

OK, ^THAT was inappropriate and you have a right to be mad at him for that. The same way it was his house and he could choose who came over, it's now your house and your decisison. This is made worse because didn't you tell him you didn't like those people after you went over to his house? Why would he ever assume he could bring those people over to your house after you explicitly complained about them?

It sounds like Ronald is becoming better friends with these people and he is trying to join the two halves of his life together. It's happened to everybody, where you meet a new group of friends who you enjoy as much as your old friends, but when you try to mix the two they don't mesh at all and one group is uncomfortable. You should explain to Ronald that you know these are his good friends, but he has known you for years and should realize you are far more comfortable with your small group of close friends. He should know that bringing these people to the housewarming and inviting them to game night without letting you know (he didn't need to ask consent for that, just a simple "hey, these people are going to be joining us" so you can decide for yourself if you want to be in that situation) is something that bothers you and puts you in the wrong frame of mind. It's the same way you wouldn't bring a bottle of booze to a party hosted by a former alcoholic. It may be the norm, but it's inappropriate under those certain circumstances. Just like inviting friends over is normal, but not if you have a friend who doesn't enjoy being around strangers, and especially if you know the two groups won't get along well.

rad65 said:

OK, ^THAT was inappropriate and you have a right to be mad at him for that. The same way it was his house and he could choose who came over, it's now your house and your decisison. This is made worse because didn't you tell him you didn't like those people after you went over to his house? Why would he ever assume he could bring those people over to your house after you explicitly complained about them?

It sounds like Ronald is becoming better friends with these people and he is trying to join the two halves of his life together. It's happened to everybody, where you meet a new group of friends who you enjoy as much as your old friends, but when you try to mix the two they don't mesh at all and one group is uncomfortable. You should explain to Ronald that you know these are his good friends, but he has known you for years and should realize you are far more comfortable with your small group of close friends. He should know that bringing these people to the housewarming and inviting them to game night without letting you know (he didn't need to ask consent for that, just a simple "hey, these people are going to be joining us" so you can decide for yourself if you want to be in that situation) is something that bothers you and puts you in the wrong frame of mind. It's the same way you wouldn't bring a bottle of booze to a party hosted by a former alcoholic. It may be the norm, but it's inappropriate under those certain circumstances. Just like inviting friends over is normal, but not if you have a friend who doesn't enjoy being around strangers, and especially if you know the two groups won't get along well.

Click to expand...

Exactly

I mean no disrespect, but aren't you condemning the same actions that you exhibited a year ago?  Maybe he wants his friend to learn from you.

zohdee said:

I mean no disrespect, but aren't you condemning the same actions that you exhibited a year ago?  Maybe he wants his friend to learn from you.

Click to expand...

I think that would make it even worse. Sure, Ronald can invite people over so they learn to act more like her, but he definitely has to let her in on what he's doing. I'll go back to my alcoholic example. If you're a recovering alcoholic, how is it appropriate for someone to bring a drunkard around, even if they are trying to help that person? Wanting to help someone is always nice, but the other side of the equation is you are forced to face the temptations you just overcame. If she's up to that, fine, but it should be her decision, not Ronald's.

Nebula said:

So add to the predicament today:

Ronald - who was invited to our open house come & go housewarming today (a closed event for close friends and family), has invited this brood of nonsense people to come. I told him no, I didn't want them coming. Now he is mad--- And im functioning on 2 hours of sleep- This just isn't my day!

Click to expand...

Now, I agree that is out of line! It's your house and you have a right to say who is allowed to enter it.

When it comes to the game night...not everyone has the same sense of humor. And, not everyone grows up. Period. Some people you just have to accept as they are, and some people are stupid. These aren't your friends, they're Ronald's. You don't have to be friends with them. Obviously you don't feel comfortable with them so not allowing them in your house is fine. If Ronald has a problem with it, it is HIS problem, not yours! 

On the other hand, I've been known to act pretty stupid on occasion and I'm 42!