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Advice please? (Men problem..)

post #1 of 15
1/31/12 at 2:05pm
Thread Starter 

I need some advice.. 

 

At work, there's this married, older man that has this crush on me. He has asked me out, and I told him no, he's married and I don't date coworkers. He understood (and told me that he's planning a divorce with his wife). This was about 6 months ago.. over the summer some time..

 

I stopped going for lunch with him after he asked me and I turned him down, but we still talk. Not as much, and I don't stop by his office much anymore to chat (he does come down to me to say hi and chat for a few mins.). He never brought up the subject of a date again, and he truly seemed to understand and respect my wishes.

 

Today, he handed me a bottle of Bailey's. He knows I love Bailey's (he teased me for being a Bailey's drinker for months). I told him he shouldn't have to (and I did blush, damnit).. and he said he just wanted to give it to me, no reason at all. After thanking him, I accepted the bottle.

 

Now that I am out of his office and back in my cube, I am starting to regret accepting the bottle, thinking I should've given it back to him. I am wondering now that I took it, he thinks I am giving him the clear to try to ask me out again.. am I just being paranoid and just go with the flow?

 

He is a very nice guy.. and even if he was single, closer to my age and not a coworker, I still wouldn't go out with him. he's not my type. I do not feel harassed by him.. but I have a feeling if he does ask me again, I will feel harassed.

 

What do you guys think? Should I give the bottle back, telling him I don't feel comfortable (though I kinda feel it's too late, and I don't want to hurt his feelings)? Or should I wait and see what he does next? I almost feel like lying and casually say "my boyfriend..." in a random conversation.

 

(Edited to fix some grammar and spelling errors.. the obvious ones at least!)


Edited by Draco - 1/31/12 at 2:26pm
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post #2 of 15
1/31/12 at 2:19pm
Oh, man. This is a tough one. (At first I thought you were going to ask our opinion of your saying yes to dating a married man. laughing02.gif)

I would keep it. He may have meant it as a sort of "testing the waters" to see if you're interested, OR he may have just been trying to be friendly. Since you think it might hurt his feelings if you gave it back now, like I said, I'd just keep it.

But if he makes any more advances or tries to give any more gifts(which he might not!) then you have an opportunity to make your position clear(er).
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post #3 of 15
1/31/12 at 2:41pm

I would keep it.  He could have meant it as a friendly gesture.  Maybe he's re-gifting ya know?  But if he does ask you out again just be clear but kind about it.  At that point I might consider asking if that was why he gave you the Bailey's but he might also be offended by that if it's just a kind gesture since he knows you drink it.  I would go about things as you have been; not going to his office as much but still be friendly, etc.  If he starts trying to test the waters by seeking you out more often or something like that; then I'd be cautious about his his intentions.  But not necessarily just yet.

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post #4 of 15
1/31/12 at 4:33pm
I agree with the others. Keep the bottle & don't worry. If it's been 6 months or so since he asked you out the first time I think you are fine. And if he does ask again (which he might if he actually gets a divorce) tell him he's not your dating type & friendship is all there will ever be. I think the fact that you have pulled away as much as you have shows him it's not something your wanting.
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post #5 of 15
1/31/12 at 4:55pm

Maybe he was giving it to you as a way of apologizing and wanting things to go back to how they were with being friendly and for stepping over the line by asking out? Just if he does ask you out again just make it clear that you arent interested

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post #6 of 15
1/31/12 at 5:47pm

I agree that this soon after the holidays he may very well have gotten it as a gift from someone else and was re-gifting. If so, he probably didn't want to tell you that he was giving you  a gift that he didn't want. laughing02.gif I doubt there was any ulterior motive after 6 months and it sounds like things are back on an even keel. I say accept it and enjoy it guilt free!

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post #7 of 15
1/31/12 at 6:32pm
Thread Starter 

thanks for the advice everyone. I feel better now :)

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post #8 of 15
2/1/12 at 1:54am

I would have kept it as well laughing02.gif  But if he carries on just tell him you don't mix buisness with pleasure etc...

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post #9 of 15
2/1/12 at 5:28am

Well, I guess, I have to give an opposite opinion. I wouldn't have kept the bottle. I do think that it was a "testing the waters" kind of thing and it just makes it that much more difficult in the long run, especially since you've said that if he asks you out again, you would probably feel harassed....if you wouldn't have said that, I would probably feel differently. But if you truly have no interest in seeing this man for whatever reason (married, not your type, etc.), you shouldn't have accepted the bottle. Period. Just my two cents. (Told you it was an opposite opinion!)

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post #10 of 15
2/1/12 at 5:34am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Winchester View Post

Well, I guess, I have to give an opposite opinion. I wouldn't have kept the bottle. I do think that it was a "testing the waters" kind of thing 

See l would have said " Thanks a lot ...... But don't think it's going any further mind!! " laughing02.gif

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post #11 of 15
2/1/12 at 5:42am

Man here.

 

He probably realizes that things between the two of you got strained after he asked you out.  Whether he got the bottle during the holidays or not isn't really important IMO.  I think he gave it to you as a way of saying, "Hey, I realize things have gotten awkward between us.  Here's a friendly gesture.  How about we put the past behind us?"

 

Just my opinion.  Keep the bottle.

 

If he starts making advancements again, just explain (nicely) that he's not your type.  Sounds like he's lonely since things went south with his wife, so maybe (if you want to be friendly) encourage him to try dating websites or something.  Try the same kind of technique in delivering any bad news and sandwich it.  "Jon, I like you because you're such a nice guy!  Unfortunately, as far as dating - you're not my type personally, but I bet you'd do well on a dating site like match.com!  Or speed-dating.  Have you tried those?"

 

Giving it back to him now would be a gesture that not only have you rejected him from a dating standpoint, but also from a friend standpoint.  He might feel very hurt by it.

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post #12 of 15
2/1/12 at 6:25am
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by LawGuy View Post

Man here.

 

He probably realizes that things between the two of you got strained after he asked you out.  Whether he got the bottle during the holidays or not isn't really important IMO.  I think he gave it to you as a way of saying, "Hey, I realize things have gotten awkward between us.  Here's a friendly gesture.  How about we put the past behind us?"

 

Just my opinion.  Keep the bottle.

 

If he starts making advancements again, just explain (nicely) that he's not your type.  Sounds like he's lonely since things went south with his wife, so maybe (if you want to be friendly) encourage him to try dating websites or something.  Try the same kind of technique in delivering any bad news and sandwich it.  "Jon, I like you because you're such a nice guy!  Unfortunately, as far as dating - you're not my type personally, but I bet you'd do well on a dating site like match.com!  Or speed-dating.  Have you tried those?"

 

Giving it back to him now would be a gesture that not only have you rejected him from a dating standpoint, but also from a friend standpoint.  He might feel very hurt by it.


thank you.. getting an opinion from a man does help a lot.

 

I am going to keep it, and keep things as they are.. and if he asks again, I will reject him nicely, reminding him. I just hope he doesn't!

 

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post #13 of 15
2/1/12 at 5:15pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by SillyJilly View Post

I agree with the others. Keep the bottle & don't worry.

 

I also agree with this.

 

If he does ask you out again, just politely tell him "No thank you". You don't even need to justify the reason why.  However, if you want to, you can simply say that you don't get involved with married men, and also that you make it a policy to never get involved with co-workers.

 

I also will never date a co-worker.  Even when I was working in a hospital, a couple doctors and orderlies asked me out. And while they were all totally cute! I still said no because I know that when / if things go bad, I sure don't want to see the person walking around my place of work, or everyone I work with knowing my personal business.

 

 

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post #14 of 15
2/1/12 at 5:44pm
think.gif If a girl older gift to me an Bailey bottle I surely take without regret...rolleyes.gif and in home I´ll say "cheers" in her honour!...beerchug.gif...wink.gif

Don´t worried my friend, you were clear at the begining with this man and Just keep you in the same line...smile.gif

BTW cheers!......beerchug.gif
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post #15 of 15
2/1/12 at 9:06pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Winchester View Post

Well, I guess, I have to give an opposite opinion. I wouldn't have kept the bottle. I do think that it was a "testing the waters" kind of thing and it just makes it that much more difficult in the long run, especially since you've said that if he asks you out again, you would probably feel harassed....if you wouldn't have said that, I would probably feel differently. But if you truly have no interest in seeing this man for whatever reason (married, not your type, etc.), you shouldn't have accepted the bottle. Period. Just my two cents. (Told you it was an opposite opinion!)



yeah.gif I would not have accepted it and I would give it back. It was not a gift for "no reason," he had a reason. Hope things don't get too awkward now.

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