I'm SO angry. I can't even think straight. (long rant)

OK, here's my story. It has nothing to do with the cat, and everything to do with kids. Not necessarily MY kids, but 5 other peoples kids.

Last night I had to take my daughter to wrestling since she's the varsity team manager, and my middle son came with me. I came home to my son, 13, searching for his Ipod, my house was messy (more than usual) and I KNEW he'd had someone over. After repeatedly questioning him, (because NOBODY is allowed in my home if I'm not there) he admitted that his friend, Ethan-he's over all the time, ame over, but 4 other kids came too. They played xbox, and played with my 6 year old with his 3ds.

Well, my middle sons Ipod, the 13year olds ipod, and my 6 year olds 3DS went missing. So I called Ethans parents, and the police. My daughter called one of the other boys, who hung up on her, and an hour later, Ethan and his parents show up at my door with the Ipods. Ethan says he heard they took them, and he got them back. But no 3DS. Ethans parents are beside themselves, and I had the cops go to one kid, who Ethan says took it, 's house. The cop didn't find it, and the kid (he's new, from BROOKLYN) says Ethan and the other boys took it. She (the cop) says the parents invited her in, if she wanted to search, but as she wasn't even supposed to GO there, she declined to search drawers...

Now, my 6 year old is out a 3DS, which he plays with constantly, and his Mariocart7 game, which he's been working on for 2 weeks trying to get points for the next level. he was 2 points away. How do I tell this child that the boys who were so nice to him, stole his game. This morning, after dropping my daughter at a tournament, I'm calling Ethan and getting addresses of these other boys, and I know my husband (who was not home last night so I'll have to call him this morning about this) will want to go there and question the boys and their parents. My 13 year olds Godfather is a policeman as well, I hope maybe he can make some calls to the parents and convey that we just want the game back.

I will have to spend money I don't have, and my 13 year olds gift cards to get another 3ds for my little guy, since he's 6 and I just can't have him learn a lesson this way. My 13 year old is the bo who's been bullied and beaten on, and now this. He cried all last night, I think mostly hurt because he thought he'd made more friends. (He only has 2) He fed them pizza, drinks, etc. These boys all come from VERY affluent families. Why do they need my kids things. We have next to nothing. 

I'm so upset. I feel violated, and angry, and I want to beat on the boys that hurt my children. I don't know what else to do, but I'm just broken hearted at my poor little guys game being gone, and my poor big guy who just wants friends. 

Now I'm crying AGAIN. 

No wonder you're furious. One of the worst parts of it is your 13-year-old may feel he can't trust anybody again. :cross: that your youngest gets his 3DS back!

Sounds to me like the first person you need to be angry with is your own son, who let the other kids in.  He should be helping to pay for the missing things.  It will help him learn some responsibility and how to say, "No," when other kids pressure him to do something he knows he's not supposed to.

I'm sorry this is going on. Although I have thoughts on why kids do not need high dollar electronics (ipads, Ipods, smart phones, etc) it doesn't change the fact you need to do something, and re-purchasing the 3DS doesn't seem like a feasible option financially?, so I would contact the police again.

Do you have serial numbers? That's a must on any high dollar electronics, as a serial # is the only way to for sure link a stolen item as belonging to you.  I also think an option to consider talking to your kids about is, before friends come over- if they have something they don't want to lose, put it out of sight while company is over. And now, whatever IS left- if you haven't done so, log the serial #'s.

Can you get the other kids parents on board with a full room, backpack, closet, search? If so, I would try that- if not, see about getting a search warrant for the police.

Your son is the one who broke a house rule, right? Nobody over when you aren't home- sounds like a simple rule, he broke it, and now is seeing first hand the consequences and how his actions affect others. Does he get an allowance? Maybe he can work off the 3DS. He probably didn't see how him inviting HIS friends over would hurt his brother. 13 years old is old enough to know not to break rules, so there has to be some kind of discipline and teaching come from this, losing his ipod is a given- it is a consequence of his actions, but his actions also hurt his brother.

Sometimes the hardest lessons in life are painful. IN this case, he should be thinking "If I had followed my house rules, I might not have lost my ipod" now grant it, they might have stolen it anyway WITH you in the house, but there is nothing you can do about what if. Remorse & crying is not bad. He made a mistake, and he chose to break a rule- so now he is living with the consequences.

Sorry I was on my soapbox, I worked in daycare & school for years. I see first hand where kids who aren't disciplined end up. Prison. So I'm adamant, and probably going to be a really strict mom.

Hope it all works out, and I'm sorry your'e dealing with this!

Well- making the 13 year old spend HIS gift cards on a replacement DS for his sibling is a good idea.  Even though it hurts.  He was in the wrong by inviting kids over to the house when you weren't home (and it's a rule he knows). 

And what's worse it was 4 kids that you hardly know.  But- as you said he was probably just trying to be friends with them. 

But I can imagine just how bad it feels.  The teenage years are just SO hard.  I've got 2 girls (one graduates HS in June) and have BTDT with kids being nasty.  And IMHO girls can be far worse than boys when it comes to nastyness

Cheryl

What a lousy situation... but maybe it will be a learning experience for all of your kids. Look at it this way, it could have been a LOT worse, and maybe this incident is the wake-up call to prevent a really bad incident in the future. 

My 13-year-old daughter is a good kid, pretty level-headed and we talk a lot about the real world and how it differs from Middle School. She's not perfect, but every time she hangs out with a certain friend, they get in some kind of trouble. This friend came over for a sleepover with a full head lice infestation, by the time the fact was "mentioned" the next morning, our daughter had been exposed, her room, all her bedding, her guests' bedding, all the clothes and jackets her friend tried on, our sofas, throws, pillows, etc. When I talked to the mom, she said she didn't say anything because she was "embarrassed" but they had been trying to get rid of the lice for months. Her friend also lies to her mother, telling her that our daughter is responsible for something or another... we have had 3 angry letters/phone calls from this girl's mom - all based on lies her daughter told her. If I tell my daughter not to walk down a particular street that is very busy with no sidewalks, her friend insists they walk that way, telling her she's a "little girl" if she listens to her mom. The friend has broken school rules and blamed our daughter, but luckily there have witnesses each time (so far). Our daughter has seen this girl and her family are bad news, and is hanging out with other friends more now. I tell her you won't find the nice kids if you are hanging out with the mean ones!

Your son needs to hold on to his 2 good friends, he's pretty lucky to have that many at 13.  Since your son broke the house rule, the entire situation is his fault, and I'm glad he is paying for your little one's 3DS, hopefully everyone learned a lesson.

Some "friends" aren't worth having in our lives.

Good luck, I know it's rough. 

Thanks for the replies. I have since heard from 2 of the mothers who, as you can imagine, are pretty upset. They cried and apologized, and while i know its a shock, i feel empty. They will be searching everything for the 3ds but said if it doesn't turn up the boys will all chip in to buy a new one. My older son, has gone through his games and will be trading some of them in to pay for a new one as well, and he will also pay for a new mariocart7. My husband is absolutely furious with all involved but I'm trying to calm him down before he speaks to the parents. He can get very nasty and while the parents are trying to find the game I don't want them to turn around and get angry and say no. I'm also worried at this point that the boys will get nasty with my son, so I'm going to the principals office first thing Monday morning. Before school starts. There are 2 boys that I especially worry about.
I'll tell you, I feel dirty. I feel like these boys came in here and violate my family and their safety.

Why are you going to the principal?  It did not happen at the school or on school time.

Deal with the parents and the kids.  No reason to get the school involved at all.

kimkats000 said:

Why are you going to the principal?  It did not happen at the school or on school time.

Deal with the parents and the kids.  No reason to get the school involved at all.

Click to expand...

I think she's worried about how the kids may retaliate against her son while at school.... although I could be wrong. 

nerdrock said:

kimkats000 said:

Why are you going to the principal?  It did not happen at the school or on school time.

Deal with the parents and the kids.  No reason to get the school involved at all.

Click to expand...

I think she's worried about how the kids may retaliate against her son while at school.... although I could be wrong. 

Click to expand...

Yes. Exactly. My son has endured 8 years of very bad bullying and 2 of these kids are known bullies in the school. I have already been through a beating where his nose was shattered. By a kid that abused him for 3 years. At this point the school knows if I ask them to keep an eye, I mean it.
We live in a very small community and odds are that he'll be with these kids at some point every single day.

I am with Mr Blanche..your son broke the rules and look what happened. You need to stress THIS IS THE VERY REASON you have these rules  in the first place..He should be held accountable for his decisions. Getting the stuff back is a plus but your son needs to know his choices caused all this.

Yeah, Mr. Blanche and Iris have the right idea.

Also, on the bullying situation -- admittedly I know almost nothing about it, but I was always given permission to fight back if someone at school was beating up on me (physically; if it was just words I was to ignore them). NEVER was I allowed to start fights, but if someone ever hit me, I was always told to do my best to make sure it never happened again. I never had to use this privilege at school, but sometimes I had to use it on would-be "friends."

Yeah- but the "fighting back" thing can come and "bite you in the butt" at school. 

Oldest Dd had a friend in school (a boy) who was picked on in 7th grade.  He got so fed up with it- that he punched this one kid in the face.

All the kids involved- including the one who was being bullied got OSS (out-of-school suspension) for a few days.  School has a no-tolerance policy for bullying.

At least your son's school will keep an eye out for any of the kids coming back and retaliating.

And I like how the parents of 2 of the kids involved have "stepped up".  And not said "Oh no- not MY kid""My kid's an ANGEL".   I had a neighbor who did that.  Ugh.  Wanted to shake the mom and say "You need to take the blinders off and be- A PARENT".

cheryl

I agree that some sort of punishment is in order for your 13 year old, but I think it should be one of those, "We know you feel bad and you also got hurt in this situation, but you did break the rules and need to face up to it because this punishment is about much more than a couple stolen electronics." Basically, being sympathetic but still making sure he understands that those rules are in place specifically to prevent things like that from happening. Now he knows firsthand that there are consequences, and you should stress to him that he is actually lucky because so many worse things could have happened with him home alone with 5 boys who have been known to bully him. Also, it might be good to remind him that he was putting your 6 year old in danger, and what if these people had felt like causing physical harm to him rather than stealing his 3DS?

rad65 said:

I agree that some sort of punishment is in order for your 13 year old, but I think it should be one of those, "We know you feel bad and you also got hurt in this situation, but you did break the rules and need to face up to it because this punishment is about much more than a couple stolen electronics." Basically, being sympathetic but still making sure he understands that those rules are in place specifically to prevent things like that from happening. Now he knows firsthand that there are consequences, and you should stress to him that he is actually lucky because so many worse things could have happened with him home alone with 5 boys who have been known to bully him. Also, it might be good to remind him that he was putting your 6 year old in danger, and what if these people had felt like causing physical harm to him rather than stealing his 3DS?

Click to expand...

Yes, my son is grounded, probably for at least a month, if not more. That includes no tv, computer, Ipod, or after school activities until further notice. He cried, but is taking it like a man. I truly hope the kids who stole from my family are being punished as well. I will be calling the parents again this afternoon. I am very sympathetic about why he allowed the boys in, but the fact is-my 6 year old was put in danger, and my home and family have been violated. 

My son has permission to fight back if someone puts their hands on him. as a matter of fact, I have told him that if he does, even if he gets suspended, I will buy him ice cream because he cannot take it any longer. As LONG as he doesn't hit first. The principal will not be happy, I can tell you that, but I don't really care much about that, as long as my children are safe. My 11 year old goes to the same middle school, and I wouldn't be surprised if I get a call telling me Joe went after one of them. He's not a sit down and take it kind of kid. (Before someone tells me that he won't get suspended if he's just defending himself...yes he will. All parties get suspended. All.) 

I'll be honest.  My seventh-grade year, when I was 13, was the worst year of my life.  I wouldn't wish that year on anyone.  My mother was constantly in an uproar with my stepfather, she attempted suicide, I had some bullies making me miserable almost every day, I actually started school 2 weeks late, it was just miserable. 
To this day, I don't know if I passed 7th grade.

That is just a rough year for almost everybody.

When DS was younger, he was unmercifully bullied by a punk kid....sorry, there's just no other word for it. His school life was terrible and he got to the point where he simply didn't want to go to school. When he was to enter the senior high school, the kid purposely came over to the junior high school and said, "You're mine." Going to the school didn't help....nobody really did much of anything. I got to the point where I told DS to beat the crap out of the kid if he had to. It seemed to be the only solution.

Well, that next school year, my son went to school. And one night during a football game at another school (not our game as our DS played football), DS went out to the parking lot to get something from the car. That kid saw him leave the stadium and he and several of his friends followed him. But Rick and my brother saw what was going on, so they followed, too. DS closed the car door and the kid (and his friends) were there. At that point, DS had pretty well had it and he saw red. The kid started in on him and DS just thought the heck with it. Picked said punk kid up and threw him across our car; punk kid hit another car and sank to the pavement. Only to be picked up again. And it really got nasty from there.

When the other kids decided to join in (which is nice, 5 to 1), Rick tapped one of the kids on his shoulder and said, "I wouldn't do that, if I were you." The kid looked at him and my brother and and took off. As did the rest of the kids. Rick and my brother just stood there and watched the two of them go at each other for awhile and then broke the fight. DS ended up with a black eye....said punk ended up far worse.

I wasn't at the game. When the guys came home from the game and I saw DS, I stood up from the sofa and just said, "Well, it's about time! Let's get that eye cleaned up. And *****  (the guy's name) better be in worse shape." Rick said, "He is."

The following Monday night during football practice, the punk walked over to DS after a play and said, "Hey, nice catch!" And that was that. They never got to be friends, but at least he left DS alone. The thing is, this was just a short punk kid, who got off on picking on other kids. Kids that wouldn't fight back. And DS wouldn't fight back. Until it got so bad that DS knew he had to.

I guess it could have ended up a lot worse than that. Whatever. We would have paid a fine had it come to that. Had DS gotten suspended, we would have dealt with that, too. And DS wouldn't have been punished. Neither Rick nor I advocate violence. But when it really seems to be the only thing left, well, you do what you have to do.

I'm so sorry your family is going through this.  I do think the school needs a heads up.  I can understand why your son did it but to me it sounds like you've been more than fair to him.  It can be just awful being the kid others pick on.  That age itself is just brutal too.  Not a fond time in my own memory.  I went through bullying in elementary school with my best friend mostly.  But another friends little brother too.  It probably would have continued for me but we moved to another state and things got better.  And I learned to handle things a little different too. 

I hope they find the 3DS and the game.  I know those things aren't cheap!  And I pray your son is able to find some contentment in his middle school years and beyond.  I hope he can learn that the only friends he really needs are the ones he already has.  The ones who like him for who he is.  It's a hard lesson; but he'll be a stronger man someday for learning it I'm sure!

resqchick said:

Yes, my son is grounded, probably for at least a month, if not more. That includes no tv, computer, Ipod, or after school activities until further notice. He cried, but is taking it like a man. I truly hope the kids who stole from my family are being punished as well. I will be calling the parents again this afternoon. I am very sympathetic about why he allowed the boys in, but the fact is-my 6 year old was put in danger, and my home and family have been violated. 

My son has permission to fight back if someone puts their hands on him. as a matter of fact, I have told him that if he does, even if he gets suspended, I will buy him ice cream because he cannot take it any longer. As LONG as he doesn't hit first. The principal will not be happy, I can tell you that, but I don't really care much about that, as long as my children are safe. My 11 year old goes to the same middle school, and I wouldn't be surprised if I get a call telling me Joe went after one of them. He's not a sit down and take it kind of kid. (Before someone tells me that he won't get suspended if he's just defending himself...yes he will. All parties get suspended. All.) 

Click to expand...

I was wondering if your son's school had the same "no-tolerance" rule as ours did.  I guess it's all over the country ( I assume you live in the U.S.) 

It just makes me wonder though.  I know you have to punish everyone involved in a fight.  But shoot- suspending the kid who was only trying to defend himself?  It just kind of blows my mind. 

I wish schools could do more about this whole bullying thing.  I work with kids at risk- and you see this behavior all the time.  And it's not just in public schools- it's in private too. My niece was bullied by this snotty 5th grader last year- her life was miserable.  Poor kid- and there was nothing I could do- I'm over 1500 miles away     And of course the parents were like "oh- kids will be kids".  When you make someone's life miserable day after day that is NOT acceptable in my book.  Period. 

Sorry- off my soapbox.  I work with some at-risk-kids and this issue is near and dear to my heart- I just wish there was some way we could fix it.  Things have come a long way from when I was in school (and I saw kids get beat up and nobody cared- or made it the kid who was being picked on the "bad guy")  but things could be much better than they are......

Cheryl
 

Sneakymom said:

I was wondering if your son's school had the same "no-tolerance" rule as ours did.  I guess it's all over the country ( I assume you live in the U.S.) 

It just makes me wonder though.  I know you have to punish everyone involved in a fight.  But shoot- suspending the kid who was only trying to defend himself?  It just kind of blows my mind. 

Click to expand...

But the teachers & staff rarely, if ever truly know who started it and who was defending who. It is one kids word against another, and the fairest thing is to discipline both, when I worked in public school & daycare- all parties got in trouble, per school policy- Unless we actually SAW who started a fight, then it was different, and we would punish accordingly.

When I was in school I was bullied all the time. The teachers never believed me, ever.