Telling someone they are adopted...Am I wrong?

luvmyparker

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To shorten the story...

My mom had two daughters she adopted out, one of which I am close with now (will call her R), the other is only a half sister (will call her A), whom I have no contact with whatsoever (and neither does R).

A does not know she was adopted, even 33 years later, she has no idea. I found her on Facebook, out of sheer curiosity to see what she looked like. I had no desire to contact her, obviously, since she doesn't know I exist as a half sibling.

Tonight I found out her mother is very ill and could possibly be dying.

R wants to write her and tell her she is adopted. I kind of got angry...I really don't think it is her place to tell a total stranger they are adopted. She feels, since she was adopted and found out when she was older, than anyone who is adopted has the right to know. I think with A's mother possibly dying, its absurd to announce its not her real mother. R feels that before her mother goes, A should have the chance to talk to her about it.

I couldn't imagine a total stranger writing me through a social media network to tell I am adopted while the only mother I ever knew was terminally ill. R has no idea how A would take this news. It could turn a bad situation worse and cause a bunch of uproar, which A's mother doesn't deserve.

Am I wrong here? Do you think R has a right to tell A she is adopted just because she was angry her parents didn't tell her right away? I just think its none of her business if her family tells her. From what I see, she is doing well in life, has two kids, is married, has a home...Why would anyone want to risk changing someones life like that, when they don't even know them at all.

Would any of you, or have any of you told someone they were adopted? Do you think its wrong to interfere like that?
 

Willowy

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How do you know she doesn't know she's adopted? I'm sure most people who know they're adopted don't go around posting it on their Facebook page. Especially if they were told when they were very young and have accepted it as normal.

But either way, no, I don't think she needs to be told, unless there's a serious inheritable health issue running in your family. Telling her now would be particularly traumatic, I think. If her mother wants to tell her on her deathbed, that's her business, but to hear it from a stranger on Facebook would just be terrible, IMO.
 
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carolina

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I don't even know how to start judging that? But I guess "R" has a better Idea of the feelings of finding out she is adopted since she is :dk:
If I were adopted, I would like to know about it..... and yes, before my mom passed...... if for anything, for thanking her SO incredibly much for taking me in and loving me unconditionally like one for he own :heart3:
Personally, I would not like mom to die and not share that with her..... but that's me......
:hugs:
 
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carolina

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How do you know she doesn't know she's adopted? I'm sure most people who know they're adopted don't go around posting it on their Facebook page. Especially if they were told when they were very young and have accepted it as normal.
But either way, no, I don't think she needs to be told, unless there's a serious inheritable health issue running in your family. Telling her now would be particularly traumatic, I think. If her mother wants to tell her on her deathbed, that's her business, but to hear it from a stranger on Facebook would just be terrible, IMO.
Oh no..... not on facebook :thud: That would be a shocker of a lifetime..... God, can't even imagine....
 
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3catsn1dog

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I wouldn't say anything. That is between her and her mom. Biology does not make a family, feelings make family and to that woman and her mom they are family. So to have total strangers popping up and saying hey sis could make an already bad situation worse. Also if she does know not to sound rude but maybe she accepted it and doesn't want to contact anyone.
 

Winchester

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I wouldn't say anything. That is between her and her mom. Biology does not make a family, feelings make family and to that woman and her mom they are family. So to have total strangers popping up and saying hey sis could make an already bad situation worse. Also if she does know not to sound rude but maybe she accepted it and doesn't want to contact anyone.
Yep. It's nobody's business but A's and A's mother's. I realize A's  mother is dying, but it's still not R's business to take it upon herself to inform A that she's adopted. And as Willowy said, she may already know. How do you and R know that A doesn't know? Frankly if A's mother wants to share that with her, then she should be the one to tell her, if she's not done so already. It's certainly not R's business.
 

AbbysMom

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I wouldn't say anything. That is between her and her mom. Biology does not make a family, feelings make family and to that woman and her mom they are family. So to have total strangers popping up and saying hey sis could make an already bad situation worse. Also if she does know not to sound rude but maybe she accepted it and doesn't want to contact anyone.


Yep. It's nobody's business but A's and A's mother's. I realize A's  mother is dying, but it's still not R's business to take it upon herself to inform A that she's adopted. And as Willowy said, she may already know. How do you and R know that A doesn't know? Frankly if A's mother wants to share that with her, then she should be the one to tell her, if she's not done so already. It's certainly not R's business.
a HUGE :yeah:
 

mrblanche

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There's already too much drama in her life right now; adding this in, if she really doesn't know it, could only cause more grief and confusion.  In the best of times, finding out you're adopted can be a mental blow.
 

mbjerkness

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 I don't think adoption should be a secret. I have 3 adopted kids they all know. I helped to find her birth father. Ultimately It is between A and her Mother. firstly she may know she is adopted, and not want contact with her birth family. Secondly It is unfair to spring this on her when she is already going through so much.
 
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luvmyparker

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Well, the thing is...A was adopted by someone in her biological fathers family and her bio father was to be known as her uncle. Her mother was ALWAYS dead set that she would never, ever tell her and its easier to keep that secret since she does have their looks. My mother knows A's brother, in fact, they are still in contact and he doesn't even know she is adopted, so I think its safe to say she doesn't...but if by some chance she does, she has made no attempt to contact us, so R jumping in might upset her.

I agree that it should not be kept a secret, as I would want to know if I was adopted but I think it is up the family to tell the person but what stranger has the right to tell them, ya know. Half sister or not, they don't know one another and as said, this is a hard time in her life...traumatic news like that could make it so much worse.

R was kind of annoyed when I told her I wouldn't want to be involved in A's life. She automatically thinks because there is blood between us, we should get to know each other...but to be honest, after the hard time I went through getting to know R (her family wasn't so accepting of it at first), I don't think I can do it again. It's nothing personal against her, I am just still learning about half siblings on my bio fathers side too, a lot of them...lol, Its too much. My mother doesn't want to get involved either. A has her life and she seems to be doing well...why mess with a good balance?

I just really feel like R is doing it because she really wants to meet her (she told me this) and because she thinks her experience applies to anyone who is adopted. Potentially turning someones life upside down for ones own gratification is just wrong to me. I hate this whole situation and now R is mad at me for not agreeing with her. 
 

resqchick

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I am adopted. I "kinda" knew, but my parents never actually confirmed until I was a teen. My birth mother located me through "underground" channels, and they actually called me, posing as a magazine company giving stuff away to adopted children only. It was done to see if I knew, so if she contacted me, it wouldn't have been a horrid shock.

She wanted a relationship with me, and to give me a relationship with my 3 half sisters. That sort of disintegrated over the years, but it was good to know the situation. That being said, unless you and "R" want a relationship with her, and are willing to make her VERY hurt and VERY angry in order to know her-don't tell her. ESPECIALLY while her mother is ill and she may lose her. The only excuse I can think of to do this is if someone needed a kidney or something else medically necessary. It would hurt her, and it would probably not achieve a relationship. She'd probably wind up just telling both of you to leave her alone. 

If "R" is only doing it because SHE is angry, that's not really a sisterly or kind thing to do. Don't make her more miserable during this difficult time of her mothers illness. 
 
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luvmyparker

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I am really glad to know that I am not overreacting here. I, personally, do not want to get involved with her. I have no desire to tell her she is adopted and I have no desire to push myself on her.

I really feel that R is using her experience with being adopted to rationalize telling A. Everyone is different. Everyone takes it different. I just can't make R see that. She thinks she is right and she is dead set on telling her the truth because she "has a right to know". I do agree, but she has a right to hear it from the family she knows.
 

MoochNNoodles

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I agree; she should hear it from the family she knows first.  I can kind of see where R is coming from; but that doesn't make it right.  If A's mother doesn't want her to know; then at least while she is alive she should have her wishes respected.  Too much else is going on right now.
 

my4llma

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Yep. It's nobody's business but A's and A's mother's. I realize A's  mother is dying, but it's still not R's business to take it upon herself to inform A that she's adopted. And as Willowy said, she may already know. How do you and R know that A doesn't know? Frankly if A's mother wants to share that with her, then she should be the one to tell her, if she's not done so already. It's certainly not R's business.
 

natalie_ca

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I wouldn't say anything. That is between her and her mom. Biology does not make a family, feelings make family and to that woman and her mom they are family. So to have total strangers popping up and saying hey sis could make an already bad situation worse. Also if she does know not to sound rude but maybe she accepted it and doesn't want to contact anyone.
Exactly.  It's no one's business, Leave the girl alone. If she wants to seek you out at some point, she will.  Let her be the one to make that decision.
 
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luvmyparker

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I tried desperately to convince R to leave her alone. She's going to do it. Her emotions on the matter have got the best of her and there is no stopping her. I tried to explain to her how many people think its wrong, but to her, how she feels is the only thing that matters.

So I am a just gonna say a prayer that nothing bad comes of this and that A and her family get through this difficult time in peace. At least I can put my mind at ease, knowing that I wasn't the only one who thought was R is doing is a bad idea.
 

rafm

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Ugh, that is so selfish and speaks volumes about R's character. 

I hope A can handle this on top of everything else. 
 

3catsn1dog

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Ugh I wish she wouldn't do that. She's asking for a world of problems.

My dad wasn't my biological father and some of you may remember my personal experience from here. When I found out what my situation was it caused tons of problems but answered a ton of questions. Needless to say the man who raised me, we haven't spoken in about eleven years. But my biological fathers family is awesome and don't push anything on me and I'm the same. I'm more at peace having my questions answered. But that's the thing, they were MY questions to ask noone else's. I found out my dads wife had tried to find me but couldn't because my last name was different but I'm glad they didn't because I wasn't ready to find out till I was ready. It took years to finally ask about what really happened.
 
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