Telling someone they are adopted...Am I wrong?

How do you know she doesn't know she's adopted? I'm sure most people who know they're adopted don't go around posting it on their Facebook page. Especially if they were told when they were very young and have accepted it as normal.

But either way, no, I don't think she needs to be told, unless there's a serious inheritable health issue running in your family. Telling her now would be particularly traumatic, I think. If her mother wants to tell her on her deathbed, that's her business, but to hear it from a stranger on Facebook would just be terrible, IMO.

I don't even know how to start judging that? But I guess "R" has a better Idea of the feelings of finding out she is adopted since she is
If I were adopted, I would like to know about it..... and yes, before my mom passed...... if for anything, for thanking her SO incredibly much for taking me in and loving me unconditionally like one for he own
Personally, I would not like mom to die and not share that with her..... but that's me......

Oh no..... not on facebook That would be a shocker of a lifetime..... God, can't even imagine....

I wouldn't say anything. That is between her and her mom. Biology does not make a family, feelings make family and to that woman and her mom they are family. So to have total strangers popping up and saying hey sis could make an already bad situation worse. Also if she does know not to sound rude but maybe she accepted it and doesn't want to contact anyone.

Yep. It's nobody's business but A's and A's mother's. I realize A's  mother is dying, but it's still not R's business to take it upon herself to inform A that she's adopted. And as Willowy said, she may already know. How do you and R know that A doesn't know? Frankly if A's mother wants to share that with her, then she should be the one to tell her, if she's not done so already. It's certainly not R's business.

 

a HUGE

There's already too much drama in her life right now; adding this in, if she really doesn't know it, could only cause more grief and confusion.  In the best of times, finding out you're adopted can be a mental blow.

 I don't think adoption should be a secret. I have 3 adopted kids they all know. I helped to find her birth father. Ultimately It is between A and her Mother. firstly she may know she is adopted, and not want contact with her birth family. Secondly It is unfair to spring this on her when she is already going through so much.

I am adopted. I "kinda" knew, but my parents never actually confirmed until I was a teen. My birth mother located me through "underground" channels, and they actually called me, posing as a magazine company giving stuff away to adopted children only. It was done to see if I knew, so if she contacted me, it wouldn't have been a horrid shock.

 

She wanted a relationship with me, and to give me a relationship with my 3 half sisters. That sort of disintegrated over the years, but it was good to know the situation. That being said, unless you and "R" want a relationship with her, and are willing to make her VERY hurt and VERY angry in order to know her-don't tell her. ESPECIALLY while her mother is ill and she may lose her. The only excuse I can think of to do this is if someone needed a kidney or something else medically necessary. It would hurt her, and it would probably not achieve a relationship. She'd probably wind up just telling both of you to leave her alone. 

 

If "R" is only doing it because SHE is angry, that's not really a sisterly or kind thing to do. Don't make her more miserable during this difficult time of her mothers illness. 

I agree; she should hear it from the family she knows first.  I can kind of see where R is coming from; but that doesn't make it right.  If A's mother doesn't want her to know; then at least while she is alive she should have her wishes respected.  Too much else is going on right now.

 

 

Exactly.  It's no one's business, Leave the girl alone. If she wants to seek you out at some point, she will.  Let her be the one to make that decision.

Ugh I'm sorry to hear that.  She is being very selfish if you ask me. 

Ugh, that is so selfish and speaks volumes about R's character. 

 

I hope A can handle this on top of everything else. 

Ugh I wish she wouldn't do that. She's asking for a world of problems.

My dad wasn't my biological father and some of you may remember my personal experience from here. When I found out what my situation was it caused tons of problems but answered a ton of questions. Needless to say the man who raised me, we haven't spoken in about eleven years. But my biological fathers family is awesome and don't push anything on me and I'm the same. I'm more at peace having my questions answered. But that's the thing, they were MY questions to ask noone else's. I found out my dads wife had tried to find me but couldn't because my last name was different but I'm glad they didn't because I wasn't ready to find out till I was ready. It took years to finally ask about what really happened.

Wow, R is WAY out of line. It's not her place to do that, and the timing is TERRIBLE. She's thinking only of herself. What a horrible thing for R to do now! 

I have a friend who waas in a similar position to A, in that she was adopted by her paternal grandparents and brought up to think her father was her brother. But when someone told her when she in her twenties, it caused terrible problems on all sides, and raised a whole load of family issues, much worse than if she had been adopted by strangers. She ended up totally estranged from all her family on both sides and has never spoken to any of them again (she is now in her 80s). I can only hope R thinks better of it.

Wow. You know, I agree that the timing is horrible and she should keep her mouth shut, for now at least.

 

I have mixed feelings about the future, though. Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't she A's biological half sister? As an adult, perhaps they should both have the opportunity to choose whether or not to have a relationship. Isn't it just as wrong to ignore the fact that her sister may want to know her?

 

I'm not sure about telling a total stranger, but I very much believe that everyone has a right to know where they came from.  I don't get the reluctance to admit a person is adopted, but that's just me.  It's better to raise a person knowing from the start then to spring it on them later, but they still have a right to know.

Somewhat off topic; but somewhat related.

 

There is a family at my church where the Dad adopted the boy when he was too young to remember.  He was the SWEETEST kid.  He always came over to talk to me.  Like every week we'd have a short chat.  I talked to his little sister too and his parents are really sweet people.  Sometime in his late teens they decided to tell him he was adopted by his Dad; why I do not know.  It could have been from someone on his bio-dad's side; I really don't know.  His Mom is his bio-mother.  The way I understood it; it really threw him for a loop.  It was after this that that he started making bad decisions.  Bad.  He ended up in prison.  He wasn't even 20 and serving time.  He got out and for some reason ended up right back in there.  Either it was a mix up or some other charge he had to account for.  Not my place to ask.  I've only seen him a couple times since then.  He looks like a shell of the happy kid I once knew.  So hard and cold; when I know he has a warm heart under there.  His son was a baby when this all happened.  Now his son is the cutest; sweetest lil thing!  The boy's mom and SO (never asked if they are dating, married, etc) bring him to church or the boy's grandparents do.  My DD LOVES him.  He's about 3 years older than her I think.  Maybe just 2.  When she was learning to walk he was the only kid in the nursery who paid much mind to her.  She'd pull up on him and use him like a walker.  He'll hold his hand out to her and she'll put her little hand in his little hand.  It's soooo sweet!!  I about cried when he graduated to the pre-school room last year!!

 

So that's just another example of how this stuff can really turn someones life upside down.  I do think someday it would be ok to talk to A about it.  But not now.  R's mother recently passed too didn't she?  I would see that making her feel like A needs to know before she can't ask the tough questions.  And who knows; maybe she will accept it fine and will make peace with her mother over it.  But I couldn't live with myself if I caused her extra pain during this difficult time.

 

There is a word for someone like that, but saying it here will get me banned. 

Which is why I think you should tell the kids from day one that they are adopted.  I don't see why people are afraid to do it.  If you love your children and raise them with love, YOU will be their parents, not their biologicals.  However, they will at least know where they came from. 

 

I also don't think just telling someone that they are adopted would totally change their personality, so there may very well be some other underlying issues.

 

I am going through something right now where we are trying to sort out the truth of someone's birth after the fact (all parties are dead and it was a closed adoption).  What we can figure out is the baby was adopted at birth by the biological father (who was trying to hide the fact that he had an affair with the baby's mother), and the biological father's wife.  It is the daughter of the girl who was adopted who is trying to sort it out.  I got involved because the birth mother was my aunt - but since we weren't close, I didn't know anything about a baby.  We are fairly convinced that we have the story straight, but we don't know any of the hows or whys.

 

The sad thing is that my newly found cousin believes that my aunt "didn't want" her mother, gave her away, and never tried to contact her.  Whereas, I think my aunt was going through a tough time, separated from her husband with two young children already, very poor, and possibly an alcoholic.  She may have wanted the baby very much but knew she would have a better life if she let the father have her.  If everything wasn't all secret and hush hush, we would all know the circumstances and can adjust to it. 

I also think that adoption should be part of the family narrative from day 1, so that the child never "finds out" they're adopted, because that can cause a lot of trust issues. Imagine finding out your parents were keeping something from you, or even lying to you, your entire life! That can definitely cause problems. But if that didn't happen, it's certainly not something a stranger should spring on someone, especially during a stressful time.

I beleive the choice of telling the person they're adopted is between the adoptive parents.   If you're a complete stranger to the person, stay out of it because either A)they won't beleive you anyways B) it may ruin that person's trust for her adoptive parents. 

 

Especially if the adoptive mom is in the hospital and pretty much on her deathbed, you really don't want to put their relationship in jepardy when the mom could pass on any day.