In dire need of advice. My sister is dating a thief.

I am so upset right now. My sister has been dating this guy (Let's call him 'M') for a few months and I never got a good feeling about him. He is 22, unemployed, not in school, and is covered in ridiculous tattoos, and has no car. I tried to be nice. I even tried to meet him 3 times and he bailed at the last minute.

On 12/21, my grandmother opened my sister's credit card statement accidently. (They have the same credit card company) She handed it to me because she didn't understand it. I saw it was my sister and noticed a balance of over $1,100. I immediately thought someone had stolen her credit card. I stared combing over it and noticed a $250 cash advance in addition to other strange purchases. I confronted her and she denied it was him. I told her I wasn't stupid. I know she would go to me or my grandmother if she ever need cash in an emergency and wouldn't take it out against her credit card. She finally admitted the $250 was for M and she bought him the other stuff. I told her I wanted to meet with M and tell him that it was unacceptable for him to borrow money from my 19 year old sister. My dad was laid off of his job 2 years ago and has since had a heart attack and stroke. I've been working 3-4 jobs to keep the house and pay the bills. We are not rich people and should not ask my sister for money. She has a part time job and is in school so she doesn’t make much money either. He kept saying "We got into this mess, WE can fix it." I finally snapped and said there is no "WE." The only on the hook is my sister since it is her credit card.

On 12/29 we got a call from my grandmother's credit card company saying there was suspicious activity. We froze the card and changed the account number. My sister has a version of my grandmother's credit card with her name on it. They said all of fraud charges were from her card. She said that was impossible because the card was in her wallet. Lo and behold, she checked her wallet and it was not there. We finally got the statement in today. Many of the transactions fit the pattern of my sister's bill from 12/21. I had been suspicious it was M, but I had no proof. There were several charged to the local Target. I went with my sister to see if they could pull up receipts and surveillance. While we were there, she calls M and he admits it was him. He stole the card from her wallet and he had no idea it was actually my grandmother's card. While she was on the phone with him, the people from Target said they couldn't find it and I would need to call the credit card company to pin point the exact details. I lied to my sister and said they had it and they needed some time to process it. While he confessed, I want him and my sister to think I have the cold, hard proof.

M's purchases total over $3,250. I want to call the police and have this low life arrested. My sister is begging my grandmother not to since he promised to pay it. (Highly unlikely since he hasn't paid my sister the $250 from November).... I don't know what to do. The credit card company has already been notified of the fraudulent charges. We know who did it. Do I let the credit card company I have a confession, but no proof? Do I take my grandmother down to the police station and make a report?

The absolutely terrifying thing is that I don't think my sister is breaking up with him. She keeps telling me that he had no idea that the card was linked to my grandmother's account. He thought it was just hers..... How does this make it okay?!!?! Sorry this is so long. I'm very upset and I needed to vent.

This is an incredibly difficult position to be in, I'm sorry that you're having to deal with it. 

Is it possible that he's blackmailing your sister into covering for him? If so, you need to get that out of your sister and figure out what's going on there. If she's scared, she's never going to leave him and he's just going to keep using him. 

I know it's going to be hard on you, and your sister. She'll resent you for awhile for sticking your nose in her business, but eventually, she'll come around. 

I would contact the credit card company, tell them what you know and take it from there. They may have you go into the police. 

Another question I have for you - is he living with your sister? If so, do you think he would do anything to harm her if the police came or called him in for questioning? 

You should file a report with the police asap (anybody can report a crime), and tell the credit card company that you have reported the incident to the authorities. What happens to the boyfriend is not in your hands, and what your sister does isn't in your control, either, but you can help by documenting the situation with the police, not only to protect your sister and grandmother (and their credit), but because a crime has been committed! He'll do it again and again if he's not stopped. Getting the police involved is also important because the boyfriend very likely has more issues than stealing, and if he's feeling squeezed there might be some more unpleasant character flaws that surface, especially if this is not his first offense. You might even need help to possibly protect your sister from him in the future.

Let us know how it works out. 

If your grandmother's credit is being affected, she needs to file a police report. It is theft, and that much money may be more than petty theft. With police support, you may be able to get additional assistance from Target, specifically, video of him using the card.

As far as your sister's card is concerned, that is on her. If she is OK with being taken advantage of and stolen from, it is her credit and her money....unless the card is tied to someone else, like a co-signer.

I understand your frustration. Family can be the single biggest stressor in your life.

At 19, we are all pretty dumb.  Go to the police and file a report.  Tell the credit card company that you know who the thief is and give them all of the information you have on him (name, phone number, etc) and see if they can get a confession.  He could be arrested for that much theft.

I hate to say it, but your poor sister needs to wise up.  Unfortunately, most do not manage that until about 30 (or we have a life changing event that grows us up much sooner!).

No, thankfully they don't live together. They have only been together for a few months.

I'm worried about her being around him at this point. Who knows what he is capable of? He claims that he knew how much he was spending and was going to pay it back..... and like an idiot she thinks he can. He has no means to pay it back first of all, and who the hell spends $3,250 in two weeks? I have no idea what kind of hold this scumbag has on her, but I terrified at her stupidity. I know I raised her better than this!

I'm trying to get in contact with a few of her close friends to see if we can have a mini intervention. I talked to one earlier today and she told me that they all hate him too. (And she didn't even know about the money)... Maybe she'll believe it if it comes from them.

I think I'm going to call the credit card company tomorrow when she's not around. I don't feel right have it reported stolen and knowing who stole it.

   It is really important that you sit her down and talk to her one on one before you try to put together an 'intervention' of sorts...... As far as your Grandmothers credit, she definitely needs to close that account and report criminal activity, however if your sister doesn't confirm the card was stolen, then it could be a challenge, but not impossible, for him to be charged. You absolutely should be worried about her being with someone like this. First and most important is to cut off any credit linked to anyone other then her, she needs to take full responsibility for someone who thinks he was just stealing from her.

I'm in a bit of a rush this morning so I quickly skimmed through your problem.

My first advice is to cancel your grandmother's card and all cards attached to that account.  When your grandmother gets a new card, DO NOT, and I repeat DO NOT put your sister on the card as an authorized user.  While she is 19 and has shown responsibility in the past, clearly she is not mature enough to handle the responsibility of credit.  What is happening is affecting your grandmother's credit rating!

Second.  There is nothing you can do to stop her from dating him. She is an adult and it's her choice.

Third. So far as getting money back from him to pay the debt: Not likely.

Fourth.  Have your Grandmother file a complaint with the police. It is afterall her card.  However, since your sister knew in the past that he was using her card, I don't nkow if it would be considered theft, even if he took the card from her purse. Him having been allowed to use it in the past, could mean "implied consent".

Chances are your grandmother is on the hook for the money charged on the account.

Natalie_ca said:

My first advice is to cancel your grandmother's card and all cards attached to that account.  When your grandmother gets a new card, DO NOT, and I repeat DO NOT put your sister on the card as an authorized user.  

Fourth.  Have your Grandmother file a complaint with the police. It is afterall her card. 

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Definitely do the above!!.

Your sister is young, but with luck she'll learn through her mistakes

Oh, that is sad. It sounds like your sister doesn't realize she deserves better than that

I would certainly call the police if I were you.

Honestly, I think the worst thing you could do is call an intervention. I dated a loser like this when in my early 20's. Everyone of my friends and my family hated him, but I was clueless. I met him when he just moved down from Michigan and was living with his sister to "start a new life". He had no job, no car (got down using the bus), he supposedly was involved in a gang up there and wanted to get away. The bad boy image attracted me. We went out for 6 months, one of which included a month of him back up in Michigan to finish his community service (yes, he skipped out on probation). When he came back, I just figured I would help get him back on his feet. He used my car while I was at work (to "job hunt" lol), I took him shopping for clothes (for "interviews"), I bought the gas, paid for cigarettes and food and ran up my credit cards to the max. I even was stupid enough to put HIM as an authorized user on my Sear's card. The first thing he did was go to Sear's an buy a stereo and amp for my car (the VERY loud kind that makes the entire car vibrate).

Over those 6 months he cheated on my constantly (which I knew deep down but didn't want to admit it to myself), he punched my car, he slapped me (only once, because I came back up fighting but I was still to stupid to end things), he WRECKED my car in snow (while supposedly going to give a demonstration of an air purifier, his "new job", but was actually going to some girl's house) and spent the night in jail because his license was expired. The final straw was when he actually took a phone number from another girl in the bar right in front of me. When I asked why he needed it he jumped on the offensive saying because of me he couldn't have "other friends". Finally, things clicked in my thick skull and I walked out of the bar and out of his life. 

My point is, she has to learn on her own that he's just taking advantage of her. If you get everyone together and try to confront her, you will drive her to him. I didn't find out until after I was done with the loser that Mom was calling my best friend every night practically upset about what was going on. My best friend knew me well enough to say "just act like it's no big deal. We all hate him and see what's going on. She will see it eventually. If you start acting like you don't like him she will want to be with him even more". And she was absolutely right. And to this day I call him my "learning experience". 

Now, when it comes to the credit cards, I don't think you can do anything about the charges on your sister's, however I would definitely report your grandmother's card to the police and let them handle it. Yeah, your sister will be angry and feel betrayed but explain it isn't anything personal, he just used what didn't belong to him. I think she will see the light eventually. 

Good luck to you   it's definitely a hard position to be put in. 

calico2222 said:

Honestly, I think the worst thing you could do is call an intervention.

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I agree; this will simply put your sister on the offensive, and she may actually hold onto the fool even harder.

As for the credit cards, you've been given some great advice.  Your Grandmother needs to close that account, the re-issued card needs to be in her name only, and no one else needs to know Grandma even has a new card.  If it were me, I'd either hide it or lock it up when it wasn't needed.

I also think your Grandmother needs to file a police report.  I don't know about your state, but around here $3000 would considered grand theft.  I honestly don't know if you should tell the credit card company that you believe you know who used the card.  If your Grandmother has disputed claims, the cc company should work with her to make sure she doesn't have to pay for them.  If they think you know who used the card, she may be on the hook for the charges.  We had an unauthorized charge this past summer, and had no idea how it ended up on our account.  The cc company disabled our card, issued a new one, and we had to sign statements testifying that neither we nor anyone we knew had made that charge.  I'd say a little info is a good thing---too much info may get your Grandmother in deeper than she already is.

I'm so sorry you're going thru this with your sister, but honestly, when a girl that age thinks she's found "Mr. Right" there is absolutely nothing you can do to change her mind. 

Wishing you and your family the best in getting this situation straightened out.

The credit card was closed on 12/29. My grandmother had new cards issued and my sister will not be receiving the new one.

I spoke with a police officer confidentially that is a regular at one of my jobs. He told me the best thing was to have my grandmother and sister go to down the the police station a file a complaint and statement. He said that they are better equipped to handle this sort of thing and it will be the only way to guarantee my grandmother won't be held responsible for the charges. He said that we could wait and see if he would pay, but we know how unlikely that is.

I know my sister doesn’t want the police involved... but I believe it is the only way to protect my grandmother, who is the innocent victim. I'm going to try and sit down with her and my father. My father's health hasn't been that great and he isn't as close to her, so I've been hesitant to tell him. I believe he has the right to know what's going on since this situation is getting bigger and bigger. I let him know this afternoon.. he isn’t say much, but agrees that my sister must do whatever she can to make it right.

I think I'll hold off in involving her friends. I want to see what we get done with just family.

Thank you all for your advice. I feel better when I'm able to vent and let it out. I will keep you updated as things unfold.

I'm glad you talked to your father.  Maybe once he processes it all he'll have more to say.  I agree with a lot that has been said.  I do think a police report needs to be filed for the theft that involves your Grandmother.  If he doesn't have to pay for his crime he will do it again!  He's already done it twice.  But I do agree there is nothing you can do to stop her from dating him.  It's got to be her choice or she will resent you and all those who love her instead of the one who is really hurting her.  It's so hard to watch the ones we love in these situations.  I don't know about how it was for your sister; but for me, guys who were interested didn't come around every day.  There may be that little voice in the back of her mind saying "but he loves me!"  Which WE know he doesn't or he wouldn't do this to her; but she's got to see that for herself. 

I hope and pray everything works out for you guys.  Keep us updated!

Rianna said:

He said that we could wait and see if he would pay,

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If you wait and see if he will pay, then it is no longer "theft" or "fraud", because you have essentially acknowledged at that point that while you know he used the card without permission, that you are now considering it a loan.  And if he doesn't pay it back, then your only recourse at that point would be small claims court.

Excellent point!

Natalie_ca said:

If you wait and see if he will pay, then it is no longer "theft" or "fraud", because you have essentially acknowledged at that point that while you know he used the card without permission, that you are now considering it a loan.  And if he doesn't pay it back, then your only recourse at that point would be small claims court.

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What happened to all the items he "bought"?  I agree that your grandmother should file a police report-its theft pure and simple.

This needs to be reported NOW!  Your credibility with the credit card company decreases the longer you wait. Stolen cards and police reports need to be done ASAP, meaning as soon as you know that the card is missing. The longer you wait and ponder what to do, the less likely the credit card company or the police will tbe to take the matter seriously.

Any updates?!

You also need to let your sister know that if you and your grandmother wanted to go that route, that she could be also held responsable for the charges her boyfriend made.  I used to work in a bank and techniqually your sister is helping in what is known as finacial explotation of an elder or also a form of Senior Citizen Abuse and its considered to be illegal as far as banks and credit card company are concerned.  I worked at a bank and we were heavily trained on how to detect it and banks (not terribly sure about CC companies) take that very very seriously and we report any suspected cases to the authorities to be investagated.  

This is the definition of Financial Exploitation of an Elder,

Financial elder abuse and material exploitation occur when an abuser uses an elder's money or assets in a manner contrary to elder's wishes, needs, or best interests, or for the abuser's personal gain. Oftentimes, elderly victims are exploited because of vulnerabilities associated with advanced age. Abusers can be caregivers in nursing homes or assisted living facilities, professionals hired by the elder (such as accountants), strangers, or family members.

Financial elder abuse can take many forms. The abuser may steal money or items from the elder's bank account or home, sell or transfer property against the elder's wishes, use the elder's credit cards for unauthorized purchases, use the elder's name to open new credit accounts, or create or change a living trust or will for the abuser's benefit. Financial elder abuse also can take the form of telemarketing fraud, identity theft, predatory lending, and home improvement and estate planning scams.


Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/1733061

Your sister was the one who made the intial purchases in November and even though a card with her name on it was used it still was your grandma's account, and although your sister may of not have realized what she did was wrong, the fact is, she still made transactions that were unauthorized by your grandmother.  Then even though the other $3000+ charges that were made solely by the low-life boyfriend, your sister doesn't seem to be concerned by it and since it was her card that he used, she could be considered an accomplice if your grandmother wanted to state her as such.

Maybe telling her this (even though you'd never consider having her take that type of responsibility for it) she may start to see how major of problem this is and not only will her boyfriend get into serious trouble but she could too.