Can I vent a little bit here? (family things)

I just need to vent a little. I don't know how everyone else's family does things, but when I was growing up everyone chipped in to help clean up after a big family dinner. Get it cleaned up, dishes washed, put leftovers in containers, table wiped off, THEN sit down and relax. Even the kids helped get glasses and silverware off the table, scraped dishes, etc. I remember one Christmas my cousin and I cleared the table, put everything away, washed all the china and crystal by hand (without breaking anything!), got everything else in the dishwasher and we were 14 and 11 yrs old. And it was our choice.

Apparently, it isn't that way with this family. My MIL hosts Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's dinner. NO ONE helps except me and DH. We helped clean her house for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I make side dishes (candied sweet potatoes, broccoli casserole, etc) and no one else brings anything. Yesterday, I spent over an hour peeling potatoes. My SIL wanted mashed potatoes and my niece wanted scalloped potatoes, so I cubed and sliced. I cooked the ham and the pork and sauerkraut (MIL's oven was full) and took a plate of cookies and cake balls over for dessert. No one else brought a darned thing. When dinner was over, guess who was on clean up duty....me and MIL. One SIL was too busy watching Shrek and the other was too busy drinking wine. My niece (who is 15) was busy texting to her friends and didn't lift a finger.

I'm sorry, I just needed to vent. There is NO reason someone else couldn't help, or make something. I mean seriously...it's not like they are living 2 hrs away. My SIL lives 1.2 miles away and my BIL a little over 3 miles away. It happens every holiday. They come, eat, and leave (or sit on their butts and don't do anything to help). I know I can open my mouth and say something, but I don't want to get everyone mad at me. I mean, on Christmas, there were still a few dishes in the drip tray and someone threw their dirty dishes and silverware on top of them which means everything needed cleaned (I guess it was nice they actually brought their plate in....it would have been better if they scraped it first!).

Yup, that's lame. People need to be taught when they are kids to get up and pitch in otherwise they never  help out as adults. I was taught if someone around me is working, I either help them or ask what I can do it help. If something needs to be done, I do it. I even have issues sometimes letting someone bag my groceries in the store because everyone around me is working and it's tough to just stand there, lol!

My best friend is a single mom whose son is in a wheelchair. Her mom lives with her but never ever helps out with her grandson. My friend has one sister who lives in town, and the same thing happens to her - this Christmas my friend cooked all the food, did all the cleanup and her sister came and ate (and even complained about some things) and sister never even brings a bottle or wine or anything. She eats, sits, starts an argument with her nephew, and leaves. My friend says her sister is the favorite of her mother's and she personally thinks that's not a good thing. (I agree!)

Some people are givers, some are takers. The world needs more givers like you and your husband. Keep doing the right thing and to heck with the rest of 'em. Or you could call people by name to come and help and assign tasks to them and make sure they do them, which is probably what I would do.   It's more work than doing it yourself but could be satisfying that you got them off the sofas. 

We had Christmas dinner at my sisters, we all offered to help her but she insisted as guests, that we do no work. At least we offered...

Last night we had New Years dinner at my brother and SIL's. My mother ended up cleaning up the entire kitchen ALONE. I hadn't even noticed till she was almost done, since I was distracted by the kids but you'd think my SIL would offer to at least help, its her kitchen after all. I was annoyed with mom for doing it because she said she wasn't going to, since my SIL never helps with dishes when she eats here. 

I admit, I need to sit for a few minutes before I clean. But I do believe in doing the dishes as soon as possible after a meal and certainly having some help.

Originally Posted by calico2222  
 My MIL hosts Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's dinner. NO ONE helps except me and DH. We helped clean her house for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I make side dishes (candied sweet potatoes, broccoli casserole, etc) and no one else brings anything. Yesterday, I spent over an hour peeling potatoes. My SIL wanted mashed potatoes and my niece wanted scalloped potatoes, so I cubed and sliced. I cooked the ham and the pork and sauerkraut (MIL's oven was full) and took a plate of cookies and cake balls over for dessert. No one else brought a darned thing.

When dinner was over, guess who was on clean up duty....me and MIL. One SIL was too busy watching Shrek and the other was too busy drinking wine. My niece (who is 15) was busy texting to her friends and didn't lift a finger.

I'm sorry, I just needed to vent. There is NO reason someone else couldn't help, or make something.

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I'm sorry that you feel that you and your MIL are being taken for granted. It's not a very nice feeling.

Does your MIL tell people that she is hosting the dinner and let people know that they are expected to bring a dish, and ASK or TELL them what to bring?  Even saying, "So and So is bringing a Salad, would you like to bring appetizers or dessert"?  If people don't know to bring something, they won't bring.  When my brother calls people with their invite, he tells them that everyone is bringing something and either asks me what I would like to bring, or lets me know what is needed and asks which one I'd like to bring. 

So far as cleaning up is concerned, that needs to be discussed prior to the evening.  If people are expected to help, tell them so before you plan the evening. If they don't know, they likely won't help, or will think that there are enough people in the kitchen and they would just be in the way.

At my Brother's this year we used plastic disposable cups, paper plates and plastic cuttlery to cut down on the amount of cleanup.  Worked like a charm.  The only thing needing to be washed were the serving dishes which made clean up a breeze. I didn't help with the cleanup because my back was sore, plus their kitchen is small and there were 3 people in there putting food away and washing the serving dishes. I would have just been in the way.  Also, I carved the turkey and ham this year (long story), so that was my contribution.

I was raised that clean up is all hands on deck. Now....its me and my mom cleaning up. I offer every year to both families if they need anything. To me its the thought that counts. Even offering if rejected shows thought.

I would be furious. Being pregnant my anger level goes from nothing to psycho in less than a second and biting my tongue is not an option. Good thing this didn't show till after Christmas. Not one person said thank you for the stuff df and I got or what I made for them (at the in laws...my family knows better) I almost snatched it all back and brought it home to burn. I was livid. Df sat on my hand till we left so I wouldn't physically react. But when we got home I flew off the handle.

I actually don't want anyone else, except my DH messing around in my kitchen....even cleaning. My MIL always offers to help and if there is something particular I need, like something that needs stirring constantly or help getting something out of the oven because I am tied up with something else, I will tell whomever is close by what I need them to do. My FIL never lifts a finger with anything in his own home, but here, if I need him to do something, I tell him and put the oven mitts in his hands. Sorry, I've spent a lot of time planning, buying and preparing the meals at my home and if I need the potatoes out of the oven and you are standing there eating appetizers, yeah, I'm going to say "can you get the potatoes out" as I hand them the mitts. It doesn't hurt anyone.   

But, when it comes to cleaning, I want everyone but DH and myself in there. It's just a thing I have about cleaning. Weird, I know. 

I think you would save yourself a lot of frustration if you just tell people what you need them to do. If someone hasnt prepared a large meal like that, they have no idea how much work is actually involved and might not realize how much help is needed. 

And as far as the texting 15 year old, yeah, she would have been helping. No excuse for that. 

I always help. But if they insist not, then I don't. I just put myself in their place. All that mess to clean up.

Of course it would depend if you would benifet

I hate mixing with my family members tho. They are all dog people. They think cats have no feelings. There is always the hot topic that dogs are better than cats.

I bicker more defending my brode.

You should have texted the 15 year old... "Get your butt in here and help clean up!"  Either that or use paper plates. If someone complains, tell them sweetly "I never get any help cleaning up, so this year I want to enjoy myself instead of spending all my time cleaning.

I always help when I'm at my parents house and always have. My older sister (1.5 years older than me) never helped when she was younger and does even less now. I always loved being in the kitchen so I help cook and then clean afterwards. However, I do not help clean or cook when we go for dinner at the BF's mothers house. I always offer and always try and help but she just shoos me and the BF out of the kitchen. The BF said it was always this way as well when he was younger, even if other family was there, she always just preferred to do it herself. I always offer though. It's sad these days a lot of the younger generation doesn't even off to help 

Sounds like my so-called "family" (before they disowned me, so we no longer have family get-togethers).  Mom always had Thanksgiving, Christmas dinner at her house.  I lived with her until about 8 years ago, so I got to observe many gatherings (and took over doing most of the cooking, etc. for Mom as she got older).  When I had 3 SILs, the older 2 would always get up to help at least clear away and help wash dishes (no dishwasher). One used to usually sit on her fat butt in the living room; I can't remember her EVER offering help; I can only remember her whining about and refusing Mom's food ("She doesn't eat corn; she doesn't like turkey", were my brother's excuses for her behavior).  Her sister, when she was over a few times, did the same thing. (BTW, those who know about my family problems: this is the pair that started the fight in the family against DH & I; surprising, no?)  In our family, all of the able females felt obligated to at least offer to help, except for them (no, the men never did; but we didn't mind: the kitchen was crowded already; and we got to spend some rare gal time together).

When I go to someone else's house, I wouldn't dream of not offering to help in some way. I, myself, usually don't accept much help, as I hate to ask guests to help, but they tend to do it anyway, to which I am very grateful.

Ugh.  That's how my family did it when I was a kid too.  Even in my Gram's tiny house.  We brought our own dish to the sink and rinsed as well as our glass.  When us kids were young we didn't do much after that.  But as we got older we automatically became part of the cleanup process.  From what Mom says; it's how it was done when they were kids growing up.  Even now when I'm there it's just automatic that we get up and do the cleanup a certain way when we are there.  Often the cook gets to do very little.  Gram's kitchen is tiny; so often it was my Mom and Aunts doing the majority of the washing/drying just because we'd be on top of each other.  But kids often got to wipe the table and do the extra dining room work.  Grandpa and the uncles got to put away the extra folding chairs and take the leaf out of the table, etc.  Oh and carried loads of dishwasher safe stuff downstairs because that's where the dishwasher was back then.

We don't go home for many holidays anymore.  Usually it's just my parents and us.  Here we often let the cook go put their feet up and the rest clean up.  But Mom is really good about doing cleanup as you go (I need to work on that...) so it doesn't take much at her house.  At my house we load the dishwasher and are getting into using paper plates even.  (Gram might berate us for that if she knew! LOL!)  It's more fun for everyone to get it done like that.  It's a part of some special memories of the holidays. 

I guess people don't help unless they've been made to help.  When I was in college an old friend of mine was quite literally clueless how to do most kitchen and house stuff.  She said her Mom never let her do things in the kitchen; even when she'd ask.  I was always in there helping someone cook.  House stuff was a little easier; but she's had to learn A LOT on her own.  Fortunately she's engaged to quite the chef!

Thanks guys. At least I'm not the only one. The thing is I feel it's not my place to say anything because it wasn't my dinner or my house. What made me mad was no one even OFFERED to help. I mean, my MIL had it all under control (we have a system now and work as a team) but an offer would have been nice. I just can't sit there while one person cleans all the dishes for 14 people.

MIL and I talked tonight (she was mad too), and each person will be given something to make for Easter dinner. They will bring it in their own dish and they will take what is left in that dish home with them. That will save on a lot of the clean up but will probably piss them off. Oh well. 

I'm glad you talked to your MIL!  If she's never asked/assigned before then maybe didn't feel she could or should make that change.  I'm sure she appreciated your help though!  And that she didn't have to ask.

If you ask me; they might be mad but most are grown ups and the rest sound grown up enough to handle a few minutes of responsibility.  If everyone does a little it's more enjoyable for all.  I've just started hosting holidays here within the last couple of years.  I was helping make side dishes after I got married.  It's HARD to host a meal.  I spend a week cleaning the house, buying more food than we normally eat in an entire week, baking multiple pies/breads, and weeks planning out what to cook and when!  I'm still trying to figure out how my Gram and Mom got a whole hot meal on the table and my Mom always helps me with the cooking!  I told DH that everyone looks forward to Thanksgiving; but it's the week I work the hardest out of the entire year.  If you are going to be so ungrateful that you can't lift a finger; well go spend the day with someone else!   Ok so I wouldn't REALLY say that to family; but I might assign the lazy one to take the trash out.  Yep.  I'd definitely do that. 

Some people are lazy and some are just really dense when it comes to being sociable.  I have always helped clean up after a large dinner.  If I don't know the person real well and am not familiar with where things go I at least clear the table, scrape plates, rinse for the dishwasher, or wash dishes.  I always ask when I am invited for a dinner what I can bring.  If I'm told nothing I still bring something.  If they are people that I know enjoy wine with dinner I will bring that.  If not I will bring an unusual side dish so there aren't duplicates, seems like there are always plenty of desserts.

We have been staying with dh's family since a few days after Christmas. We did not find a house as quickly as we thought we would, and they have been great. They have a little system, and I help when I can, but mostly we have been contributing groceries and gas for the car we have been so generously allowed to borrow. I stay with my daughter some to see the baby, but it has been nice being here. I never thought I would say that. Nobody really did any holiday cooking, so that was not an issue.

  I have to laugh a little, but just a little ....I deal with the same thing constantly with my best friends roommates and especially his younger brother who recently added a helpless girlfriend to the mix! OMG! There arms and hands work perfectly when it comes to feeding themselves, but they are physically incapable of washing any dishes and often even bringing their dishes to the sink!  

I'm glad you talked to your MIL about this.  At my Mom's we usually have a couple dozen peoiple for holiday meals; everyone is expected to bring at least 1 covered dish, and they know it.  Even the ones that have to travel are expected to bring something, or go to the store to pick up something.

Just a couple of days ago, my Mother was complaining about my sister and one SIL.  They both lives hours away, and stay at Mom's for several days.  Neither of them does anything to help her out.  I don't know about my SIL, but I know my sister was raised better than that.  I do think, however, that it's up to Mom to tell them to get off their rear-ends and give her a hand.  As Ann Landers used to say, "no one can take advantage of you unless you let them."

As for members of your family wanting different kinds of potatoes, I would have told them "this is what I'm fixing; if you want something different, you're more than welcome to bring it".

If I have a large family dinner for Thanksgiving or Christmas, I don't expect anybody to bring anything. That's just the way I am. I have it all worked out and I know what's going on....it's easier for me that way. I do, however, expect people to help with last-minute tasks and to help with clean-up. And that includes the guys....it won't kill them. We all pitch in and get the dishes done and the kitchen cleaned. At Christmas, there were people all over the kitchen, pouring drinks, tossing the salad, etc. And after dinner, the guys started gathering plates, the women started putting leftovers into containers for everybody to take home, I started the dishwasher and started washing pots and pan. It's expected and that's the way it is. We did it at my mom's and we do it that way here. Even my little grandson and granddaughter picked up the napkins and put them in a pile to be washed. (When my sister was younger, she didn't do much to help out....she didn't like to cook and she didn't like to clean afterward. But she does it now and she's always willing to pitch right in. She likes doing dishes.....I hate doing dishes.)

When we had Rick's 60th birthday party, I provided all the food and did all the cooking. But that was because I wanted to. It was for Rick and I wanted to do it. But if it's a family picnic or something like that, I will ask people to bring a dish....often they'll just offer and we work everything out. And again, I expect everybody to pitch in and help clean up afterward. I am not a slave. And everybody knows it. (Yes, I'm pretty vocal about it! Sorry, but I just hate clean-up! I'll cook like crazy, but man, I hate cleaning up afterward.)