RIP Faith (My Tubbins)

I have lost two other cats before but they made it easy on me and I didn't have to make the decision to have them PTS.  This is my first time having to do this, and it hurts so much. My faith was only 8 years old and suffered a stroke.  I brought her into the vet because she was breathing through her mouth and crying. He sent me home with two heart medications. I thought I had gotten it early.  But I hadn't while at home she suffered another stroke.  I brought her in at 1am and she kept crashing without oxygen.   He said there was a 30% chance that the medication would work, but it was a race against time. And while she would wait, she'd suffocate because she couldn't get air. :( So I had to make the decision to have my tubby PTS.  The first time I had to do this ever. :(  I hate it.  But I knew that I didn't want her to suffer.  It's been rather hard on me.  It never gets easier when you loose a furbaby.  Each time one leaves you they take a piece of your heart with them. 

 Since this happened, I have had odd like mini-nightmares.  They usually occurr just as I'm falling asleep.  I see a cat in the road. Oddly enough white with orange tabby spots.  It's like I'm driving a car and I see the lights get brighter and brighter. The cat gets closer and closer.  I usually jump awake because I'm fearing I'm going to hit it.  I usually jolt awake very disturbed.  I can only assume it's my guilt and anxiety I feel over what I had to do.  But it won't go away. :(  Anyone else experience this?

It has been even more difficult, because usually when I loose one cat, I find another that needs me.  And that usually  helps me to get over the loss. However, this time I am not doing that.  I had 6 and it was plenty.  But realize that even though I'd love to have as many cats as I could, financially I just can't.  So the emptiness in the house (even with 5 others) is blairingly loud. :(   I will forever miss her squeeks, and her nuzzles.  When my Smokie was going through diagnosis of Hyperthyroidism and I was stressed out about that, she sensed what I needed and gave me a hug.  One paw on either side of my shoulders nuzzling me. :(  I will miss those so very much.  How I wish (like on ghost whisperer) we could see the spirits of our pets past. They could forever play with us. They would never get sick or go away.   But even though it's difficult to loose them, the time we do have them makes it all worth it.

Thank you all so much.  I have my good days and my bad days. I'm usually okay at work, but it hits when I get home :(  I've had to turn the radio off in the car. Cause a lot of songs make me cry :(  I know it will get better with time. Just wish it would get better sooner rather than later.

Thanks all so much. It has been hard.  I seem to do okay during the day as long as I have things to occupy my time. The hard time is at night when I should be sleeping, I lie awake and it all hits me. .   Every time I make sure all the cats are accounted for when locking the upstairs cat door (We do this otherwise we'd hear running around and playing all night), I'm reminded of her absence :(  I would give anything to have her back with me.  I miss her so. :(