Tolly was the Joy of My life for 12 years, 2 months and 18 days

The last time I will post this story.

Thursday, September 16, 1999

It was a dark and stormy night. Pouring rain. I was working in a house with three small children and a dog. We were in the kitchen and I was performing "dinner theater" for the entertainment of the children (I work with special needs children) dancing and singing, to distract them from the violent storm raging outside. Suddenly I heard this loud wailing meow, and the dog went crazy barking and jumping at the door.

I went outside and stood on the stoop but didn't see anything. I went back inside, and as soon as I shut the door, again heard this loud plaintive meow, and of course the dog went berserk again. This time I shut the dog in the bathroom (on the other side of the house) and stepped outside, off the porch. I stood in the pouring rain and called "kitty kitty kitty" as loud as I could. I really couldn't see a thing, it was a miserable night.

Suddenly I felt something climbing up me, and there was this tiny kitten clinging to me, just under my chin. I didn't take the time to look him over, I couldn't bring him in that house, nor could I leave the children for long, so I put him in my car, arranging the car blanket on the floor of the back seat, hoping the kitten would use it as a warm snuggly nest to sleep in and be warm until I left for home.

When I finally got in my car to go home, I found the little baby curled up in the driver's seat (my seat). He had used the blanket nest as his litter box, leaving me a little "present". (and is still just as fastidious) I lifted him off the seat and placed him on my lap, and he rode home, still curled up, like that.

When I got him home I discovered that he was just a tiny scrap of red fur. I got him to the vet the next day, and the vet felt he was about 5 weeks old, he had pneumonia, chlamydia eye infection, ear mites, mal-nourished and so on. He weighed only one pound. It was touch and go for a few days, but he rallied and responded to my loving care.

Ootay (rb5/09) and Bibbs(rb3/05) who were 8 at the time, took him under their wings and loved him.

His full name is Tolly Sweet Pea. He is just the sweetest cat I have ever met. He has a wonderful sense of humor and sense of fun, always playing Jokes and inventing Games. He is also known as Nurse Tolly, as he comforts and nurses anyone sick (human or feline) and fusses over any cat who comes home smelling like vet. He loves other cats. All other cats.

Tolly is 12 years old, has a seizure disorder, herpes eyes and liver damage. He also gets these hairball sicknesses that have become more frequent as he's gotten older. He has a painful dental disease called resorptive lesions (FORL) and has had to have most of his teeth extracted from a number of dental surgeries. He takes phenobarbital twice a day, denosyl once a day and l-lysine once a day. Hairball medicine every other day. There were times I thought I would lose him but with the help of Cornell University Companion Animals Hospital, and my dear caring vet, he is still with me and thriving.***

Happy Gotcha Day my beautiful Tolly boy, my Sweetest Sweet Pea, the Joy of my Life. I love you!


****Tolly's little body gave up on him on November 29, 2011. He had an aggressive cancer that he managed to hide from me as long as he could. From his first sign of trouble, to the day he left me, was only 19 days. I did everything I could for him but when he asked to be set free I could only honor my promise to him to not ever let him suffer, and let him go. He is with his beloved Bibbs and his beloved Ootay now. When they each left him he grieved terribly, and I am happy for them that they are all together.

Bibbs Tolly Ootay

That last morning, as I lay on the floor with him and told him over and over how much I loved him and reassured him again and again that I would be okay, he purred and purred, not his usual purr with lilts and trills and crescendos, but a calm steady comfort purr. As I held him in my arms at the vet he continued this comforting purr, right up until the very moment he fell asleep from the sedative. The injection was only a final step, he had said his good bye, comforting me to the very end. That was just so like him, to worry about me so much and try to comfort me.

Before we left I made sure Mazy, Jennie and Queen Eva said Good Bye. Jennie doesn't seem big on partings, but Mazy knew she was saying good bye and I think Queen Eva did too, even though this is her first loss.

Three weeks since Tolly's little body left us. His spirit is close, but I miss my physical boy so much. I just can't believe it, sometimes. How can he not be here? How can I get up and go about my day, and even laugh and take pleasure in things, when my Tolly isn't here? And yet, I do. He would hate for me to wallow in misery. But it hurts awfully bad sometimes.

Tolly is still near much of the time. I had a bad moment missing him yesterday afternoon as I was driving to work and he was suddenly there, rubbing his face against mine. I thanked him and felt better and he left. That's our new routine.

Oh oh I miss him so much! Oh my Sweet Pea, my Tolly boy, I miss you so much.

I wasn't sure if I would ever be able to share this story, but now I find myself needing to tell it.

Tolly's final moments:

I sent him on to the Bridge with his Pink Fur Mouse between his paws, wrapped in my pajama shirt.

I did not choose private cremation. I was so torn. Neither Bibbs nor Ootay had a private cremation. The place my vet uses for communal cremations buries the ashes of communal cremations in a pet cemetery in Pennsylvania. Which means both Bibbs and Ootay's ashes went there.

As I agonized over the form that morning I looked deep into Tolly's eyes and asked him if he would rather his ashes be with Bibbs's and Ootay's, or if he wanted me to have them (though I didn't really want them). When I asked did he want me to have them, he looked away from me. When I said Okay then I will choose to send your little body the same way as Bibbs and Ootay, he purred louder, so I knew I made the right decision. Tolly was always so good at communicating with me.

He was so so grateful to be let go. He purred deeply while the vet gave him the sedative shot, and he continued to purr until the moment the sedative took effect. I held him and stroked him and stroked him. Kissed him and kissed him. When I was ready, the vet and tech came in to give the final shot, and he slipped away peacefully.

I stayed with him a long time. When I felt ready to leave I suddenly had this irrational fear that he wasn't really gone, only in a very deep sleep and would wake up and find himself in some horrifying situation. I went wandering down a back hallway until I found a tech and asked her to send my vet to me. After a few minutes my vet came and I told her my fear. She listened to his chest with her stethoscope, in several places, and took a full minute at each spot, respecting my need to know, for absolutely sure.

Then I was able to let her gather him up and carry him away.

When I came home I let each of the girls smell my hands thoroughly, because I held and stroked Tolly for a long time after he was gone, so I knew his changed state would be on my hands, and they would be able to smell his death.

Mazy sniffed each finger very deeply and then pressed her head firmly into my hands, the same way she would give Tolly a head bump. Queen Eva and Jennie also both sniffed deep, and then each licked my fingers.

I miss him so much.

Typical of Tolly, it was only the last night, that he didn't play at all. Even after I knew he was sick, he was still playing his favorite games. When the fluid build up made him so big he was unable to move well, even then he found a way to play, he would sit on the Tower shelf in front of the window and watch his Nocturnal Mouse eating the bird seed on the windowsill, even pouncing at it sometimes.



Tolly was such a bright cheerful presence. I never heard him hiss or growl at anyone, ever. And with all the trips to vets and specialists over the years, he was always such a Brave Boy.

Thank you Laurie. You were a true friend and great support throughout. I don't know what I would have done without you.

Thank you Kailie.

Thank you for your kind words.


Thank you so much.

Thank you Carolina. It was your bravery over posting about Gracie that allowed me to have the courage to do it too. I wasn't sure....I ever would be able to. But Tolly deserves a tribute, and I was inspired by your courage.

That's all I can write now.

I will answer all of you who were kind enough to post, but can't do it all at once. It's ...too hard to dwell on it for too long.

Thank you. I'm sure he IS happy. Tolly always loved other cats. Now, not only is he with his beloved Bibbs and his beloved Ootay, but all my other Bridge Angels too, Squeaky, Sissy and Baby. Just as I wrote that I got a vision of two Red Boys sharing head bumps. Baby was my Red Boy before Tolly. They never knew eachother, but I guess they do now!

Thank you for the pretty e-card.

Thank you. It was hard, but oh how happy he was to go. I had trouble grieving, right at first, because of that. He was so so happy, knowing he was going to be with Bibbs and Ootay, it felt selfish to miss him and yearn for him. I managed to get past that feeling, and am grieving properly now, I know it's an important process to go through.

Thank you so much! These notes really mean a lot to me. I'm glad I got up the courage to post.

Thank you Lauren. Even though he was ready to go, he is deeply mourned and missed. I love that picture too, and am so glad I have it. Took it with my web cam.

Thank you Laurie. The replies in this thread mean so much to me, I do like to answer each one, even if I have nothing new or profound to say. Every word my TCS friends write is Tolly's life acknowledged, and a comfort to me.

Thank you Gail. Yes, I have been through it so many times. Each is different, as different as each cat. Tolly wanted to go, he was in a hurry to be with his beloved Bibbs and his beloved Ootay. But I miss him so much. I just miss him so much.

Thank you Sally. The thread did get closed a little too fast. A PM would not have been an intrusion, just so you know, but I feel the same way when it happens to someone else.

Your words make perfect sense and I do take great comfort in knowing that Tolly is with Bibbs and Ootay, and for the past two or three days I keep getting these vivid pictures in my mind of my two red boys together!

It's difficult to be sad, when I know how happy he is..but I miss him so much, sometimes the hurt of loss is hard to bear.

Thank you. I thought I was doing okay, but this morning, for some reason I am really missing him. I'm thinking about him a lot. Christmas was always difficult because I hated being away from him for so long. I always worried something might happen to prevent me from getting home in time to give him his anti seizure medicine. Not once in all those years, did that ever happen, but I always worried about it. I don't have to worry about that any more. So maybe my mind wants me to feel some relief, that I don't have that constant nagging fear. But my heart says, how can you feel relieved? Tolly is gone, your soul mate will never have Raptures with you again, how can you feel any relief from that? Oh my Tolly Sweet Pea, I miss you so much. I'd carry that worry with me forever, if it could have kept you with me longer.

But..more conflict. He didn't want to say longer. He struggled with a body that gave him a hard time all his life. He's free and healthy and safe now. What right do I have to yearn for him? Don't I want what is best for him? Haven't I always put him first? I have indeed, always put him first, including letting him go when he wanted. So why does it hurt so bad? I know he is safe.

....Here is Mazy to comfort me. She always comes and offers love and comfort when I begin to cry over missing Tolly. She pats my face and murmurs little comforting prrt prrt sounds.

Thank you so much for your kind note! Yes, Mazy has been a great comfort, when I get sad about Tolly, though I try not to do it too often at home, to spare her the stress of my grief.

Thank you. It's been almost six weeks and I miss him so much sometimes I don't know how to bear it. My girls, Mazy, Jennie and Queen Eva, bring love, comfort and joy, I thank heaven for them