How Was I Supposed To Know It Was Meant For Beardy?
A Christmas Poem by Fluffy Ratbag
‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse
Except Fluffy Ratbag, who’s desperate for Food
And whose tummy is rumbling, making noises quite rude.
He lay by the fire and he licked at his fur
And he chewed at his paws and he started to purr.
He was just settling down to nod off to sleep
When the clock sounded midnight and there came a loud creak.
Alert and attentive, Fluffy Ratbag just stared
At the boots that appeared in the chimney, just there
And with a tumble of soot and a “Bugger, that’s tight”
Old Father Christmas popped into sight
With a tug and heave and a creak of his back
Santa Claus strained to pull down his sack
And Fluffy Ratbag watched it come tumbling down
Scattering presents and gifts and toys all around
Santa carried on, unaware of the presence
Of Fluffy Ratbag who watches him collect all the presents
And pile them all in a jumbled-up heap
For the family to find when they woke from their sleep
With his work all finished and a nice empty sack
Santa looked round in the hope of a snack.
A tipple to drink and a morsel to chew;
A sherry perhaps and a mince pie or two
But the glass on the mantel had already been drained
A few crumbs are a clue that the mince pie has been claimed.
Even the carrot to help Rudolf’s night sight
Has been dropped on the carpet and is missing a bite.
Santa just shrugged and looked rather glum
And then straightened his hat and sucked in his tum
He stood in the fireplace and with one mighty push
He shot up the chimney with a frightening “whoosh”
And looking bemused by all this to-do
Is a black and white cat that is wobbly and who
Hiccups and tries to focus his eye
On the ends of his whiskers and some crumbs of mince pie
“Wha’ a charmin’ old fella” Fluffy Ratbag declares
And fixes the presents with a quite drunken stare
“And now letsh gerrall these preshies unwrapped
And shee what’sh to keep and what - hic - hash to go back”
‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house
Is a trail of destruction from this drunken old souse.
Tonight Fluffy Ratbag is having a ball
“Merry Christmas to everyone, Food and Catnip to all”.
Fluffy Ratbag wants to wish everyone a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year and please to keep the noise down on account of it being hard to get your full 18 hours in when there's a Noisy Woman playing her Christmas CD at full whack while warbling along to it at the top of her lungs. If anyone wants him, he will be in the airing cupboard keeping a low profile until Christmas is over and the Skinny Man is a bit less tetchy about the whole thing.
