Worried about my friend & her bi-polar daughter; need advice

My best friend, we'll call "F" and her 22-yr-old daughter, "O" live together, along with F's fiance, whom O hates (I think she's jealous).

O was diagnosed as bi-polar a few years ago, takes her meds and sees a therapist.  She's become violent toward the family that live(d) there (she has 4 siblings; 1 brother still lives there). She once tried to choke her sister (who moved out a year ago). About 2 months ago, O flipped out over something trivial, and punched her brother, who hit her back; and threw a chair at her mom, hurting F's finger (which is still a bit swollen).  She has also pushed her mom down a few stairs twice, and constantl yells at her and the fiance.  They called the police, who simply told them they "have to talk about this as a family". Her behavior has alienated the rest of her siblings, who said they no longer want to see her.

Also, she's possesive of her mom; I think it's really a way of having control.  We work together, and go to lunch twice a week; O has a habit of calling just as we get into my car, asking her mom to pick her up to take her somewhere. She may also be worried that her mom is talking to me about her, & wants to sabotage things. I've always gotten along with O, but don't see her as much anymore as she's grown up. Nothing intentional about that either way; she's pleasant when she does see me, & I'm fond of her.

F and her fiance were visiting us for dinner last night, and I found out some of the above that she hadn't told me before, and DH & I were very shocked & concerned for her and his well-being. I also hate to see O going through her own personal hell with mental illness.  I have this awful feeling that some night, I'll get a phone call, saying that O has either seriously hurt or killed someone.

F has tried to get O to assisted living; she finds out, then cancels the appointment. She says she wants out; but does this (another control issue, I suspect). 

What amazes me is that the therapist only knows O's side of the story, which I'm sure is not the truth.  I realize that, since she's an adult, that there are confidentiality issues, but how are they to help her if they don't understand the family situation, esp. the violent behavior?

Can anyone suggest anything? I'd really appreciate it. Thanks.

I am so sorry they are going through this, I will keep them in my thoughts and send vibes for them

All I can think to say is, they should probably go to family therapy, where in addition to her individual therapy, O can also go to a separate session with her parents... or the parents can join a support group for friends and family of people with bi polar disorder, this way they will learn how to cope with her violent behavior and how to best approach the situation without making things worse, which can happen sometimes.

I am in the same boat, except with my boyfriend's mother. She is bipolar, manipulative, and she can get very violent at times. She is very nice to me and loves my boyfriend with all her life, but when she is in a manic state, she is a completely different person.

It's very good that O is in therapy. Although the therapist may only be getting her side of the story, BPD is a very serious illness and those who are familiar with the disorder keep this in mind. A good therapist would know there is more than meets the eye. Like ut0pia said, there are support groups that exist for those who have loved ones with personality disorders. O doesn't have to attend. Also, it should be possible for F to speak with O's therapist without disrupting confidentiality policies. The therapist will not be able to disclose any information about O, but your friend may be able to voice her concern in a brief phone call.

I was the daughter at one point in my life you speak of. Without getting into details, I strongly suggest NAMI--which leads supports groups nationwide. This is, of course, presuming everyone is in America but if not, I am confident there is an equivalent to NAMI where you reside.

Further, these support groups are for anyone and the daughter does not need to attend. Networking with other parents in similar positions is invaluable. I can say setting boundaries is nearly impossible but if attempted, any waivering would be taken advantage of as well. All rules must be uniformly applied, or at least, this was how it was in my case.

Best to all.

I think bi-polar disorder has to be one of the worst things to be diagnosed with.  It's hard on the person and their family. Just because it's under control now doesn't mean meds and things won't have to be adjusted in the future.  But it doesn't always have to be life controlling.  I was on the "bad" side of one client years ago at an old job.  My first boss there had a daughter with bi-polar disorder.  Her daughter does very well and is a good mom to her kids.  My boss told me that some people with this will latch on to someone for support; which your friend's daughter may be doing.  To make a long story short; my boss moved out of state leaving this client in my lap and the woman all but became unglued.  She eventually had to be removed from my program (we were helping her prepare to get back into the workforce; but she was clearly NOT ready for that) and all of our staff were put under strict orders to call the police and lock the doors if we so much as saw her car nearby.  She had tried to commit suicide at least once while in my program.  I know her brother had cut her off; but she was helping care for her Mom (elderly and in a wheel chair) which seemed to be good because it gave her something to focus on.  Shes one of those people I hope I never run into again; even though it's been years. 

 

SubconsciousMe said:

I was the daughter at one point in my life you speak of. Without getting into details, I strongly suggest NAMI--which leads supports groups nationwide. This is, of course, presuming everyone is in America but if not, I am confident there is an equivalent to NAMI where you reside.

Further, these support groups are for anyone and the daughter does not need to attend. Networking with other parents in similar positions is invaluable. I can say setting boundaries is nearly impossible but if attempted, any waivering would be taken advantage of as well. All rules must be uniformly applied, or at least, this was how it was in my case.

Best to all.

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Yes to all of that.  NAMI did a suicide training with my company because we actually had another client attempt suicide at a different office around the time my client did.  They had some really great information.  I also think a support group would be helpful to your friend.  My Aunt and Grandpa went to one a few times because of my Gram's dementia.  It seemed to give them both some peace in knowing what they were going through is "normal" and they weren't alone in it.