I debated if I would write this post at all.... or if I would ever be strong enough to come back to TCS.... It feels so final and sad... But for Gracie, I must write a tribute.... she deserved that much....
There are no words to describe the pain of losing Gracie....The sadness of my broken heart.... It is not a sadness because I miss her, and because I can't stand to be without her.... Yes, of course I do.... I loved her like I would loved a child :heart3: But what breaks my heart the most is that Gracie deserved so much more - she deserved more time on this planet. She deserved a wonderful, happy, long and healthy life, full of love and pamper.... and that plan was cut short.... That is a shame that breaks my heart into a million pieces every-time I think of her
Some years ago there was this cat who belonged to my neighbor.... She lived inside/outside.... She was so pretty, but not too friendly at all.... She kept must to herself.... Enjoyed her days outside, and at nightfall, she would come in to sleep with her momma. She was always around.... She had this majestic aura about her - she was sort of the queen of the building, and she knew it!
Gracie was already a senior, and unfortunately suffered from thyroid disease for many years.... Sometimes I used to go to her momma's house and ask if Gracie was taking her medication - I remember getting the answer that "D" (the husband) called the vet, and he said she only needed for a month.....That day I called the vet, and he said it wasn't so methimazole was to be given for life... I would pick up the medication, buy pill pockets, and stop by in the morning and at night to make sure the medication was given.... But for many months/ years, unfortunately, her condition was managed like that, away from me, and her thyroid numbers consistently were very high....
Then my dear neighbor started deteriorating badly, and forgot Gracie was her kitty all together
She was left outside for good, and everyday I went out I saw how skinny she was - Gracie would not last long had she stayed there. She was skin and bones, I could feel every rib, every bone on her spine, her breathing was bad.... She was in really poor shape.
I told the husband that I wanted to take care of her.... and that I wanted her to be fine, to be healthy..... To that, he said: "She doesn't need to be fine - she can just go to the bridge". After calling their daughter, who is an animal lover, they agreed to release Gracie to me - I told them the only thing they had to do was to take Gracie to the vet to make sure she didn't have FeLV or anything that would be transmissible to my babies - she did not.... Home she came.
Gracie was barely 7lbs at the time.... Covered in fleas and mats.... She would hiss at the mere presence of my hands....
Flea medicine was like water - did nothing for her..... She was infested. So I took her to a cat only groomers,and said "better have an iron glove, she is as nasty as it comes!".
They worked all day calming her down, and she came back all shiny, pretty, and flea free - ready for a good life.
She stayed for a while in the bathroom, first with the door closed, the with the baby gate, then she got moved to my office space on my dining room.... Little by little she warmed up to me, and with a lot of work we came to love each other so deeply.....
Every time I came home, or came in the room, Gracie had her head up, and would talk very loudly on her double "meow-meow!" She was a purring machine and a complete lap cat. I sat down and she would come and sit on my lap :heart3:
I got to know all her spots - if I touched her the wrong way, or with the wrong brush, she would sure hiss like a lioness, and come for a bite! But if I combed her on her little head with a metal comb.... or on her belly..... ah..... she would purr like a truck load..... She had this funny reflex when I combed close to her tail she would lick lick lick her mane - sweet little Gracie was very peculiar.
All was going well and fine, and she was doing good.... Until the day I went on one trip.... NY. I came back and I noticed her appetite was off.... I fed her a different canned food, and she ate, but with not as much gusto - she didn't eat as much of the dry either.... Then when on the next day she didn't eat, I scheduled a vet trip. The sitter then told me she had the same problem when I was away - I knew then we were in trouble.
The blood test came back, and were not good - her liver enzymes were bad, and something was off with her immune-system. That could be a few things, but the most likely was a bad side effect to long term use if Methimazole. She had been on it, even if not consistently, for many years. I agreed with her vet to put her on Hills y/d immediately.
Gracie did fine on the transition, and loved the kibbles.... she also ate the wet just fine by spoon feeding.....
All of the sudden though she showed up with a cough.... Gracie always had hairball problems, and naturally, since I had stopped her treats, I thought that was hairballs.... I gave her vaseline... but it didn't go away.... I took her to the vet - not her vet, as he wasn't available, and this one said this was probably Tracheitis. This was an awful visit, and I called my vet a couple of days later to complain.... I was again out of town, and under his advice, was to advise the sitter to hurry her in if she stopped eating, or if the cough got worst - he was concerned that this was not Tracheitis, due to her history, and what he could see in the one not perfect, but still, x-ray, he was concerned about her heart. Sure enough, she stopped eating, and had a bad breathing attack - Kelly hurried her in to him.
She spent the day on the oxygen tank, and several x-rays were taken.... the diagnostics were in..... Congestive Heart Failure..... Her liver was also enlarged - indicating liver failure, and there was a spot on her lungs - they were not sure if that was condensed fluids, or cancer.
They immediately gave her a shot of Lasix, and started her on heart medication.
I was away in Florida, and terrified for my little girl :heart3: When I came home I found her very very sick, and knew we were going to face a very tough battle....
I was right..... It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life... to watch my little girl suffer like that through her attacks... fighting so hard to breathe..... It was heartbreaking.... Many times I called her vet for reassurance.... I wanted to know I was doing the right thing FOR HER. I was not in this fight for me.... This was for Gracie... He said yes - he truly believed if she responded to the medication she had a chance.... and respond to the medication she did, beautifully.
Gracie continued to fight, and she got steadily better, until that her vet deemed her stable.
On that same night, around 3:30am, she tried to go potty a couple of times..... she jumped down the last time and I heard a noise.... I ran to her and she was twitching her leg at a rhythm- it looked like at every heart beating..... I started to comb her to calm her down, told her it was ok, how much I loved her.... kept kissing and talking to her :heart3: Put my hand for her to lay her head on it..... and slowly she started to get better....... She then got up and rant to the corner - that's when she screamed twice. This was not a meow, this was a scream..... In the middle of my confusion, I ran so fast..... I got the first shirt in front of me, and a pair of pants, grabbed the crate, put her inside and ran to the ER vet, that luckily is right around the corner.... "CONGESTIVE HEART FAILURE HEART ATTACK" I yelled....
I was shaking, and could barely stand.... I could not fill my name in the form.....
The front desk person came to me and said she had been entubated and they were helping her to breathe.... "she was pretty blue" when she arrived".....
Then minutes later the vet came..... She was crying..... said "we lost her"..... She proceeded to tell me what happened to her heart..... For a moment it didn't register.....
"Sorry" I said.... She is dead? Tears started to fall and my mind went foggy..... I couldn't think straight - that was not happening, it wasn't meant to happen....
I asked to see her....
I went to the back, and kissed her.... I asked if I could hold her in my arms.... she said sure.... Gracie HATED to be picked up and she could only be held by scruffing - this was the very first time I held her in my arms.... :heart3:
I stood there holding my baby and kissing her head.... telling her how much mommy loves her, and that mommy will never ever forget her.... I told her I am so sorry she had to leave so soon, and I am sorry she suffered so much.....
I told her she is my baby, and she will be always loved, forever and ever....
It has been a very hard few days..... I am suffering a lot..... My heart is crushed, and it will take time to heal and process everything....
I do not regret trying to give her a second chance.... she deserved a second chance - she deserved a very long life, and I wanted more than anything to give her that....
I do not regret any step taken on her treatment - I had a call with her vet today, and everything was done right, for the right reasons. There was nothing, unfortunately, that we could have done differently, to save Gracie. This was her second heart attack, and when that happens, it is too much for their little tiny hearts to bear. It could not been predicted, prevented, stopped. She could not gone back to Methimazole, as that gave her liver failure, and would have killed her - so I will NOT second guess myself or my vet (two vets) on this decision, no matter what anybody says.
The one, and ONLY thing that I regret, is to not have spent more time with her when she was alive.... to have given her more attention.... To have said to her more times how very very much and very deeply I loved her...... There were times she was alone and I was either online or watching TV.... Those times were so so precious for the short time my little girl had on this earth with me..... And there lies my guilt..... Had I known her time was so short.... I had spent so much more time with her.... I would had held her closer and hugged her tighter..... And even though she didn't like it as much, I would have just kissed her over and over to the end of time....
I shall learn this value lesson now, as time with our babies is so very precious, and maybe, just maybe that's is the legacy that Gracie left behind....
Sweet little Gracie, Momma Loves you more than you can imagine.....You will always, always be in my heart sweet little girl
Sorry for the long post everyone....
P.S. Almost fitting, the ER vet just called, Gracie's remains are back..... I will pick up my girl from the vet for one last time
There are no words to describe the pain of losing Gracie....The sadness of my broken heart.... It is not a sadness because I miss her, and because I can't stand to be without her.... Yes, of course I do.... I loved her like I would loved a child :heart3: But what breaks my heart the most is that Gracie deserved so much more - she deserved more time on this planet. She deserved a wonderful, happy, long and healthy life, full of love and pamper.... and that plan was cut short.... That is a shame that breaks my heart into a million pieces every-time I think of her
Some years ago there was this cat who belonged to my neighbor.... She lived inside/outside.... She was so pretty, but not too friendly at all.... She kept must to herself.... Enjoyed her days outside, and at nightfall, she would come in to sleep with her momma. She was always around.... She had this majestic aura about her - she was sort of the queen of the building, and she knew it!
Gracie was already a senior, and unfortunately suffered from thyroid disease for many years.... Sometimes I used to go to her momma's house and ask if Gracie was taking her medication - I remember getting the answer that "D" (the husband) called the vet, and he said she only needed for a month.....That day I called the vet, and he said it wasn't so methimazole was to be given for life... I would pick up the medication, buy pill pockets, and stop by in the morning and at night to make sure the medication was given.... But for many months/ years, unfortunately, her condition was managed like that, away from me, and her thyroid numbers consistently were very high....
Then my dear neighbor started deteriorating badly, and forgot Gracie was her kitty all together
She was left outside for good, and everyday I went out I saw how skinny she was - Gracie would not last long had she stayed there. She was skin and bones, I could feel every rib, every bone on her spine, her breathing was bad.... She was in really poor shape.I told the husband that I wanted to take care of her.... and that I wanted her to be fine, to be healthy..... To that, he said: "She doesn't need to be fine - she can just go to the bridge". After calling their daughter, who is an animal lover, they agreed to release Gracie to me - I told them the only thing they had to do was to take Gracie to the vet to make sure she didn't have FeLV or anything that would be transmissible to my babies - she did not.... Home she came.
Gracie was barely 7lbs at the time.... Covered in fleas and mats.... She would hiss at the mere presence of my hands....
Flea medicine was like water - did nothing for her..... She was infested. So I took her to a cat only groomers,and said "better have an iron glove, she is as nasty as it comes!".
They worked all day calming her down, and she came back all shiny, pretty, and flea free - ready for a good life.
She stayed for a while in the bathroom, first with the door closed, the with the baby gate, then she got moved to my office space on my dining room.... Little by little she warmed up to me, and with a lot of work we came to love each other so deeply.....
Every time I came home, or came in the room, Gracie had her head up, and would talk very loudly on her double "meow-meow!" She was a purring machine and a complete lap cat. I sat down and she would come and sit on my lap :heart3:
I got to know all her spots - if I touched her the wrong way, or with the wrong brush, she would sure hiss like a lioness, and come for a bite! But if I combed her on her little head with a metal comb.... or on her belly..... ah..... she would purr like a truck load..... She had this funny reflex when I combed close to her tail she would lick lick lick her mane - sweet little Gracie was very peculiar.
All was going well and fine, and she was doing good.... Until the day I went on one trip.... NY. I came back and I noticed her appetite was off.... I fed her a different canned food, and she ate, but with not as much gusto - she didn't eat as much of the dry either.... Then when on the next day she didn't eat, I scheduled a vet trip. The sitter then told me she had the same problem when I was away - I knew then we were in trouble.
The blood test came back, and were not good - her liver enzymes were bad, and something was off with her immune-system. That could be a few things, but the most likely was a bad side effect to long term use if Methimazole. She had been on it, even if not consistently, for many years. I agreed with her vet to put her on Hills y/d immediately.
Gracie did fine on the transition, and loved the kibbles.... she also ate the wet just fine by spoon feeding.....
All of the sudden though she showed up with a cough.... Gracie always had hairball problems, and naturally, since I had stopped her treats, I thought that was hairballs.... I gave her vaseline... but it didn't go away.... I took her to the vet - not her vet, as he wasn't available, and this one said this was probably Tracheitis. This was an awful visit, and I called my vet a couple of days later to complain.... I was again out of town, and under his advice, was to advise the sitter to hurry her in if she stopped eating, or if the cough got worst - he was concerned that this was not Tracheitis, due to her history, and what he could see in the one not perfect, but still, x-ray, he was concerned about her heart. Sure enough, she stopped eating, and had a bad breathing attack - Kelly hurried her in to him.
She spent the day on the oxygen tank, and several x-rays were taken.... the diagnostics were in..... Congestive Heart Failure..... Her liver was also enlarged - indicating liver failure, and there was a spot on her lungs - they were not sure if that was condensed fluids, or cancer.
They immediately gave her a shot of Lasix, and started her on heart medication.
I was away in Florida, and terrified for my little girl :heart3: When I came home I found her very very sick, and knew we were going to face a very tough battle....
I was right..... It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life... to watch my little girl suffer like that through her attacks... fighting so hard to breathe..... It was heartbreaking.... Many times I called her vet for reassurance.... I wanted to know I was doing the right thing FOR HER. I was not in this fight for me.... This was for Gracie... He said yes - he truly believed if she responded to the medication she had a chance.... and respond to the medication she did, beautifully.
Gracie continued to fight, and she got steadily better, until that her vet deemed her stable.
On that same night, around 3:30am, she tried to go potty a couple of times..... she jumped down the last time and I heard a noise.... I ran to her and she was twitching her leg at a rhythm- it looked like at every heart beating..... I started to comb her to calm her down, told her it was ok, how much I loved her.... kept kissing and talking to her :heart3: Put my hand for her to lay her head on it..... and slowly she started to get better....... She then got up and rant to the corner - that's when she screamed twice. This was not a meow, this was a scream..... In the middle of my confusion, I ran so fast..... I got the first shirt in front of me, and a pair of pants, grabbed the crate, put her inside and ran to the ER vet, that luckily is right around the corner.... "CONGESTIVE HEART FAILURE HEART ATTACK" I yelled....
I was shaking, and could barely stand.... I could not fill my name in the form.....
The front desk person came to me and said she had been entubated and they were helping her to breathe.... "she was pretty blue" when she arrived".....
Then minutes later the vet came..... She was crying..... said "we lost her"..... She proceeded to tell me what happened to her heart..... For a moment it didn't register.....
"Sorry" I said.... She is dead? Tears started to fall and my mind went foggy..... I couldn't think straight - that was not happening, it wasn't meant to happen....
I asked to see her....
I went to the back, and kissed her.... I asked if I could hold her in my arms.... she said sure.... Gracie HATED to be picked up and she could only be held by scruffing - this was the very first time I held her in my arms.... :heart3:
I stood there holding my baby and kissing her head.... telling her how much mommy loves her, and that mommy will never ever forget her.... I told her I am so sorry she had to leave so soon, and I am sorry she suffered so much.....
I told her she is my baby, and she will be always loved, forever and ever....
It has been a very hard few days..... I am suffering a lot..... My heart is crushed, and it will take time to heal and process everything....
I do not regret trying to give her a second chance.... she deserved a second chance - she deserved a very long life, and I wanted more than anything to give her that....
I do not regret any step taken on her treatment - I had a call with her vet today, and everything was done right, for the right reasons. There was nothing, unfortunately, that we could have done differently, to save Gracie. This was her second heart attack, and when that happens, it is too much for their little tiny hearts to bear. It could not been predicted, prevented, stopped. She could not gone back to Methimazole, as that gave her liver failure, and would have killed her - so I will NOT second guess myself or my vet (two vets) on this decision, no matter what anybody says.
The one, and ONLY thing that I regret, is to not have spent more time with her when she was alive.... to have given her more attention.... To have said to her more times how very very much and very deeply I loved her...... There were times she was alone and I was either online or watching TV.... Those times were so so precious for the short time my little girl had on this earth with me..... And there lies my guilt..... Had I known her time was so short.... I had spent so much more time with her.... I would had held her closer and hugged her tighter..... And even though she didn't like it as much, I would have just kissed her over and over to the end of time....
I shall learn this value lesson now, as time with our babies is so very precious, and maybe, just maybe that's is the legacy that Gracie left behind....
Sweet little Gracie, Momma Loves you more than you can imagine.....
You will always, always be in my heart sweet little girl Sorry for the long post everyone....
P.S. Almost fitting, the ER vet just called, Gracie's remains are back..... I will pick up my girl from the vet for one last time
- to be with you always because YOU were the GREATEST LOVE of her life :heart3: :heart3: I am so sorry it wasn't a longer love story for you both - but it will carry on - forever in your heart....... So sorry......
