Need urgent familly advice

Tomorrow is the funeral of my step father who died on Monday and as one would expect, its been a bad week for me. Anyway, you may recall that a week or two ago, my mother and I had words and she had a field day against me and my wife for rip[ping 10 bells out of. You may also recall that i advised you about my brother who lives about 200 miles away and when he comes home, even though he has not been around more than 4 times a year if lucky and I have done everything for her, she goes out and kills the fatted calf (figure of speach) as welcomes the prodical son home.
This week has been a mental disaster for me. From the time of Clive's death, Paul came down and he was the one who advised me of his passing by telephone. My mother - despite me being the oldest of us two has wanted absolutely nothing to do with me this week. This despite the fact that I have knowledge of the processes probate etc and also deal with familly affairs on a daily basis and familly life. I am after all - a parent.
This week she has done things lower than even I thought possible. Yesterday, Clives death appeared in the paper in the section and I opened it to read, to see that she had only put a message from her and Paul - nothing at all with my name or my wife's in. She included the damned dogs but not her eldest son. I have done everything for her over the years - fetched and carried, carried and fetched, bled etc and she did not have the decenecy to just put mine and Carol's name on the bit. I was horrified to say the least and when I called her in disgust, she stated that she had told us to put our own in - she never did at all, she makes up things to suit the situation and then I have to step and back down.
The funeral has all been arranged, I found out yesterday, that despite the fact that clive was not techically our stepfather (hes been around for 20 plus years its easier to see him as that) - the hearse is to leave from the funeral place and guess who is not going in the black car. RIGHT IN ONE.
Paul and her have planned it that she wants to stay for five minutes at the crematorium and say thanks to the people coming - she has asked the funeral people to go and can you believe this - I am bringing them straight home. Me - the only reason she needs me is that I have four wheels and that is it.
I am still stunned that I am not in that car - surely its my right and the funeral people can wait a few minutes?
So tomorrow, Carol and I go, do the dutyful bit and then smiling we drive them home and back to their own little lives.
I organised flowers yesterday, she was desperate for me to use the same florist - I told her I was using Interflora. I believe that she wanted to know what I had spent and what I had done.
I have offered to take her to see Clive - oh no - cant do that - she has also given strict instructions that no one is allowed in but her - like she did in the hospital. I would have liked to have said goodbye.
I went to the airfield last night where Clive and I flew together - she was not happy when I told her about that at all. Cannot understand why as I have been going for years and I wanted to see if I still had any want to go for now or the future.
I feel as though tomorrow, I should be stood at the back at the crematorium and out of the way with Carol. After all Payul is there and as she told me - she could not have done anything without him - she made sure she has pushed me out as far as I can go.
I know we will drive home in silence or she will start at us again. After all she is the only one in the world who is greiving - she has made it clear and told everyone that it was her partner and Clive and i never saw eye to eye.#
When we get home - I just want to close the door on her and feel as though never want to see her again in case I turn into her.
Should I ?
Am I wrong to feel like I do?
What do you think and / or would do?
Kev

Kev,
I wish I could say something to make you feel better, or help you out, but the words fail me. I understand the pain that you are going through, and I can and will be praying for you that your mom will at least let you ride in silence instead of starting in on you again. As far as the way you feel, you're not to blame, and you're not a bad person for feeling that way. We as humans react to others in the same manner in which they treat us. Wish I could say more to help you, but I'm not that great with words. Just remember that the folks here on this board care a lot about you , and have missed you the past couple of days!

kev that sounds rough! My heart goes out to you. I am sure alot of it has to do with the fact that you are both grieving. You were probably closer to Clive then Paul was and that may remind her more of her loss. Of course you have the right to be upset. Maybe once you both have had time to grieve you will be able to work thru this. It is important to be true to yourself first and foremost. Good luck with the ceremony.

Adrienne - how very right you are, I was closer to clive than what pail is or ever was.
I have spent ages tonight on line talking with my real father in Toronto, feel a bit better and today, I also found that something I wrote to get people into flying the model airplanes I do, has been published in the USA's largest free flight magazine! I have been asked to do another next year. 24 Hours ago I was thinking about giving my hobby up after losing Clive who flew with me - now I am the opposite and wondering about new things in the class.
Kev

Congrats on getting published Kev! That's a real honor.

Back to the original post, feelings are never wrong or right. They just are. Don't make any rash decisions right now. My dad got some good advice when Mom passed - Don't make any major life changing decisions for at least 2 months after a close loved one passes on. You may be reacting to the event, and not based on the whole picture.

As far as what I would do in your situation, I think I would distance myself from the mother. She has hurt you very badly in the past couple weeks. Perhaps these instances were a reaction on her part to the illness and loss of Clive, but only time will tell if she will treat you any better when that stress isn't there.

Kev~

Your mother sounds like what I have put up with in mine for more years than I can count. When my grandmother (her mother) died, she was a wreck and couldn't deal with any of the arrangements. When I stepped in to help, as the oldest child, she found fault because "I always want to control everything."

I could continue typing examples that would give you arthritis from scrolling down to read them all.

My bottom line advice is this: She can only hurt you if you let yourself be hurt. Go to Clive's funeral. Pay your respects to him. That's why you are there. Deal with Mom as little as possible in the future. If she is anything like mine, your telling her off will bring you no satisfaction. It will fall on deaf ears. Just get yourself away from being poisoned. And your brother is welcome to her.

That's a tough one Kev.

Go to the funeral and make the most of it, even if your mom is trying to hit you where it hurts.
If she starts in on you, ignore her or change the subject.

I'm sorry you have to go through all this when you are already down.

The important thing is the Clive knows you love him and that you are grieving his loss. I've done enough reading on life after death and truly believe that spirits (souls) stay with their bodies for a while. . . . and are present during funerals. May this comfort you.

It will be over and done with after tomorrow.
I'd keep my distance from your mother for a while. . . and if she still treats you badly, then try not to stay involved with her affairs.

All will be fine.

Take care.

Laurie

Good advice Deb25. In cases like this, distance is the best remedy. We went through a similar family situation, and have been very happy with the distance over the past 10 years. It has been very peaceful, and since we now only have each other, we have grown closer, and figured out that we need only the 2 of us to be happy. I am so sorry that you are going through this, kev. It is hard enough to lose someone without having someone else trying to make your life miserable.
Congratulations on being published!

Kev,

I am pretty new here but your story touched me and I wanted to pitch in my support. What Deb25 said was perfect. She can only hurt you if you let her. Stand right up front at that funeral! You sitting in the back won't make her see the error of her ways or feel guilty, that's what she wants! She wants to feel like she controls you and your emotions. And I would absolutely avoid being around her in the future. Something I've learned is that no matter how much we want to hold on, there are some people we just have to let go. Even if they are our family. In your case it sounds like the pain of letting go of your mother would be easier to bear than the pain she causes in your life! I wish you the best of luck and I'm sorry for your loss. My Uncle died Monday, too. Must have been the day for dying.

Take Care,
Amy

Kev,

One analogy that my friend gave me. Imagine yourself sitting in the bucket and your mom is pouring water into the bucket, scoop by scoop. You know that you don't like water being poured onto you but yet you are not moving. What they say is true, you can only be hurt by her only if you want to.

I've been to numerous funerals and sometimes I get squeezed right to the back. There's nothing much that I can do but just to pray for the one who has moved on. I know you love Clive a lot and there's a lot of things that the two of you have done. Understand that no matter where you are, be it at the funeral or just at home praying for him, he is there to listen. He knows.

As for your mom, listen to your heart. I feel that you have done a lot for her but maybe she is just not ready to accept it. If one person does not accept another's love, we cannot force them. Give her some time on her own, leave her alone but still send cards or call once in a long while to let her know you still care. I think it is the best solution I can think of.

Hope it works for you.

Insult to injury, eh, Kev? What a woman! Well, Deb 25 said it as well as I can, so I won't waste words. Take care of you, please. Oh, and, Congrats on being published.

Originally posted by kev
Adrienne - how very right you are, I was closer to clive than what pail is or ever was.
I have spent ages tonight on line talking with my real father in Toronto, feel a bit better and today, I also found that something I wrote to get people into flying the model airplanes I do, has been published in the USA's largest free flight magazine! I have been asked to do another next year. 24 Hours ago I was thinking about giving my hobby up after losing Clive who flew with me - now I am the opposite and wondering about new things in the class.
Kev

Click to expand...

Maybe that is Clive's way of telling you from where he is to keep doing your hobby. Always remember that when you do it, you will be closer to him in some ways.

Well, I am sat here killing time. we leave for the crematorium in about 20 mins and know I will be bitter inside when mum and Paul roll up with the coffin. I will be the doting son naturally - however, when my use is complete and i have finished being the taxy, I am planning to meet with Paul tonight and have a long chat and explain that am not going to be around to be walked on any more.
I hate funerals I really do - however, heres raising a glass tonight to a guy who looked after me when young and helped to guide me through life. God bless Clive
K

Keep strong Kev - my prayers are with you!