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Just need to say.....

post #1 of 16
Thread Starter 
Not sure if I am allowed to say anything like this on this board....but I am so so sad.

I have been in a relationship for 8 years, I am now 24. Through this relationship my boyfriend has drank more and more and put me through mental and physical pain.

For a few years I tried to leave..... but never had the strength or courage. Two months ago, he got very drunk and woke me up and called me various names, I decided then I could take no more.

I have handed in notice at work and have told him I need some space so am moving back to my mum, which is 250 miles away.

He has now become the most perfect man..... can't do enough for me etc, now I feel guilty as he is crying all the time. Over the years I have given him so many chances to change....this time he promises it will be different. I feel it has gone too far, crossed over the line of no return.... I don't think I will be returning to him from my mums. Last year we bought a house together - silly, but it's almost like I am (was) forced into a decision.

I suffer from depression and anxiety as a result of the abuse. I feel so sorry for him sat there crying. I leave on the 1st September... it's taking forever... I would have left earlier, but needed to work notice at work.

Not sure what to do or feel.... sorry guys.

post #2 of 16
What a horrible situation. My advise would be stick to your guns and go to your mums. If he really is going to change then let him do it while you are 250 miles away and out of harms way. If he can change excellent then he will be helping himself and then maybe you can consider picking up again, if he can't change then you can at least be moving on with your life!

I've heard the I'll change line too often to believe it, action speaks louder than words, you need to do what's right for you. I think you already know what to do anyway. Good luck and I hope it works out for you.
post #3 of 16
Clare, you're doing the right thing. The man is abusive. Get away and stay away and stay strong. When I finally got away I didn't make him stay away and I almost died for that. Stay strong and keep posting here.

I would also recommend a good counselor who is used to dealing with abused women. You will be amazed at how much better that can make you feel.
post #4 of 16
I think that it's right to stay away. Just think of how you'd feel if it was YOUR daughter getting abused, would you want her to go back?? Well your life is valuable to you and others and it's best not to risk it.

My exbf's sister was involved in an abusive marriage and he beat her WHILE she was pregnant. Well, she left, but when the baby was born he came back and acted like the perfect guy. Then she got pregnant again and he physically and mentally abused her again, so she left. Then she had the baby and he came back being MR. Perfect. She took him back and they moved to the suburbs.. I'm so scared I'm gonna get a call one day that she is dead.
post #5 of 16
I can't tell you what is right or wrong - you know what that is down in your heart! If you need I am here for you if you want to chat. Please keep strong!
post #6 of 16
They never just miraculously change on their own. They cry, they bring flowers, they are full of apologies, but they do not change without serious intervention. AA, counseling, doctor prescribed medications. Until he understands that he has a serious problem you are in danger of the demons within him. Run don't walk back to your mom or to someplace else of relative safety and don't have any contact with him at all.

I know what you are going through, I lived it a long time ago-
post #7 of 16
I think you are doing the right thing. I'm just sorry you have to stay there till Sept. 1st.

And yes... he will do whatever he can to make you change your mind. Just stick to your guns and don't let the tears fool you.

Best of luck!! My thoughts are with you. (((hugs)))
post #8 of 16
I agree with the rest, run don't walk away.

I lived it over and over again untill I got smart. My hubby wasn't that abusive but he drank and didn't work and stole money from me.

Also, we helped an aunt move out several times and she kept going back. You have to be strong and stick to your guns. He will never change. He will be all good and sweet for a week or two then revert to his former behavior.

You can pm me if you want to talk.

Take care and god look after you.
post #9 of 16
I think deep down you know the right answer.

I have had two friends in your situation. One friend left the guy after 5 years and received counselling. She now has a wonderful life, the life she always deserved. The other friend is still with her abuser (I will never call 'him' her husband because that would give him too much credit).

Many women before you and after you will be in your situation. You have to decide whether the short life we all have on earth should be controlled by someone other than yourself. Every minute you stay with him, you are being controlled by him. You are sacrificing your whole existence to a 'person' who is negative, destructive, and selfish.

These 'people' will always play the game of 'I will change if only you come back'. Listen to your soul and honestly look at yourself in the mirror. Set yourself achievable goals. Go to your mothers and check yourself into counselling, even for just a week. Break this negative cycle and listen to some outside positive influences. There are many people who are willing to help you, but you have to take that first step to help 'yourself' first.

May you find the strength to take that first step. Know that you are not alone!
post #10 of 16
Dear Clair!
You are doing the right thing!
It is hard to accept, but he will not change!
Go to you mum, and start a life on you own, go to the hair saloon and change your hairstyle, and buy some clothes! Changes make you feel fresh and alive and it will be a start of a new chapter in you life!
I was in an abusive relationship for 6 years, mentally abusive. I did not have the courage to leave, he had made me belive I was nothing and nobody liked me, except for him that "I was so lucky to have" I the end he cheatet on me, I found out after he had been for a while in another relationship, put I was gonna win him back...and he kept me warm for months, telling me how beautyful and nice person I was, much nicer than the other one, practicly ripping my clothes off whenever we met, giving me presents (which he otherwise never did, he was so cheap)...bullshit! I was so ill with anxiety, agoraphobic, claustrophobic, depression... I could not go out from my house, I could not meet people, I could not even be in the house (my parents house) when my granny came to visit. The night was my time, I took walks in the dark when noone could see me and critizice me, went to this place where there a lot of trees and noone was at night, hid away and cried...I get tears in my eyes just thinking about these times. At that time I wrote a diary, wrote my feelings down, that was also a good thing. When I read this now, I feel bad, I was so blaming myself for "ruining a good relationship", I "drove him away, by not beeing kind enough".
He then continued with his new relationship, she got accidentally pregnant, they married, but he DID NOT change! He treated her all the same as me, and after a few years she gave up and they divorced, but bacause of their child she has to communicate with him, but I am lucky to never having to speak a word to him again!
what did me good was to cut my hair of (if was down to my waist), to a stylish cut, dye it, change my surroundings (I moved to Scotland for a while) and I slowly realized that the best thing that has happened in my live was him cheatin on me, otherwise I would have never had the courage to leave. I also realzed that I did not deserve this, I was as nice person as any, and had a right to enjoy my life and be happy!
I still suffer from this, it has made a huge mark on me.

Please don´t let him make you believe that he will change - he won´t

Think of you self - do thing for you that make you feel good do them for you reasons! Keep contact with people that make you feel good and repeare your soul, not people that distroy you!

Feel free to email me or PM me of you want - and keep postin here!

post #11 of 16
I agree with the others; leave and don't come back. My ex-husband was similar to your boyfriend.
post #12 of 16

I agree. Follow through on your plan to go to your mom's. If he sees you back down on this, he will know he can control you. Best wishes until Sept. 1st.

Then count that as day one of your new life. Happiness to you.
post #13 of 16
Good on you Clare.

I hope you choose the right desicion for yourself.

I agree with the others it's probably best to go to your Mothers where you are out of his reach.

Keep us updated.

post #14 of 16
hi clare,

check your PM
post #15 of 16
Thread Starter 
Thank you all so much

It means so so much to me.

I won't have net access after the 1st September, but will try and get to the library and use their computers and let you know how I am getting on.

Once again thank you all so much, if I was a cat I would give you all a fur head bump.... thank you!

post #16 of 16
hi clare,

just need to remember that we are here for u..keep us posted..
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