Stressed & confused...

cr4zyc4tl4dy · Nov 21, 2011

I'm 17 years old & my boyfriend is 23. We've been living together at my parents' house for the last 6 months that we've been dating.

He wants to move to a city that's about 4-6 hours from here - I've never lived on my own.

He says he's going to go there, get himself a job, etc. then come back for me, but he wants to live in his RV because he wants to travel.

Now some of my backstory... I haven't completed high school, not even close. I've been battling depression since I was 14 (which has caused me to drop out of school numerous times) and this recent news that my boyfriend has given me is stressing me out big-time.

There's also been some recent events that have made me seek counselling, but that hasn't even started yet. (my boyfriend wants to leave about next week or so...)

I don't know if I'm ready... I'm scared to tell him this because I'm almost positive that I'm going to lose him. And losing him is going to kill me.

I've been crying just about everyday since he told me his plans... and I just don't know what to do. He says he wouldn't consider living in my hometown and when he gets an idea in his head, he sticks to it...

I'm sorry for this rant... I just needed to get this off my chest. ugh.

libby74 · Nov 21, 2011

cr4zyc4tl4dy said:
I don't know if I'm ready... I'm scared to tell him this because I'm almost positive that I'm going to lose him. And losing him is going to kill me.

Honey, trust me---losing him will not kill you.

He knows your circumstances, he knows you're about to start therapy/counseling, he knows about your issues with depression. You're not close to finishing high school. Your bf wants you to pull up stakes and live in an RV, he doesn't have a job in the new town, and winter is coming. I noticed you live in Canada---I"m assuming the winters there get pretty darned cold.

This may be the best time to take a break from each other. You can't stop him from leaving, but you don't have to blindly follow him. If he gets a job, if he finds a suitable place to live, if your counseling helps, and AFTER you finish high school---then you can pack up and go IF you feel it's the best thing for you to do. You're only 17, sweetie, and the world will not come to an end if this situation leads to a break-up.

I really feel as if I'm sugar-coating my opinion; what I really want to tell you is that your bf is being really irresponsible and not considering your feelings at all. I'm pretty sure that's what you're going to hear from just about anyone else who replies to this thread. You're going to get some good advice from some very savvy people. Listen to them and keep an open mind.

swampwitch · Nov 21, 2011

It sounds like you both have things to do and take care of; things you each need to do alone, before you can be together.

cr4zyc4tl4dy · Nov 21, 2011

Thank you very much for your advice, you would not believe how much it helps.

I've been through some pretty tough break-ups before and I kinda just figured I wouldn't have to go through that again once I found my current boyfriend because I've committed myself to him...

Winter is actually here - it came out of nowhere, but it came fast and HARD.

Once again, I say thank you - honestly, I can't thank you enough.

crumbandharvey · Nov 21, 2011

Not exactly the same, but at 17, I was in a committed relationship with a 23 year old as well when I decided I was going to college out of state. Not just out of state: NYC. And I was from a small town outside of Nashville, Tennessee. My boyfriend and I tried to figure out the feasibility of him moving with me, but he didn't really want to move to NYC and leave his family, friends, and job, all of which I understood. We tried long distance but slowly, the 12-15 hours of driving distance and the changes we both were experiencing made us pull apart and eventually separate.

This isn't something easy to hear, but at 17, you have an incredible amount of change to go through. I'm not going to say maturation, because that isn't necessarily it. You have not yet experienced life outside of school, outside of parents. And if you feel that you aren't ready to leave those things yet, it's because you aren't. You sound like a very bright girl, and your gut instinct is probably the right one. If he is willing to "lose" you -- NOT the other way around -- over moving to another city when you're not ready... then his priorities are not the same as you. And if that's the case, then as hard as it is to experience and see, maybe he's not the guy for you. If he's willing to give you time and space to come to your own decision, that means he respects you as a person, not as his attachment.

cr4zyc4tl4dy · Nov 21, 2011

SwampWitch said:
It sounds like you both have things to do and take care of; things you each need to do alone, before you can be together.

Yeah... I just wish it could be easier. When you live with someone from the very start of the relationship, it kinda sets things off weird...

lokilove · Nov 21, 2011

Hi there

Sorry you're going through this + depression + school. Life really sucks sometimes but good things do come of it. The apprehension you're feeling is a red flag and it's really important to listen to those. I agree with what Libby said...finish highschool and then you can do whatever you want, with or without him. A guy who really cares about you will wait...and if he won't there's a guy out there who will. Actions speak louder than words...don't forget that.

cr4zyc4tl4dy · Nov 21, 2011

CrumbAndHarvey said:
Not exactly the same, but at 17, I was in a committed relationship with a 23 year old as well when I decided I was going to college out of state. Not just out of state: NYC. And I was from a small town outside of Nashville, Tennessee. My boyfriend and I tried to figure out the feasibility of him moving with me, but he didn't really want to move to NYC and leave his family, friends, and job, all of which I understood. We tried long distance but slowly, the 12-15 hours of driving distance and the changes we both were experiencing made us pull apart and eventually separate.

This isn't something easy to hear, but at 17, you have an incredible amount of change to go through. I'm not going to say maturation, because that isn't necessarily it. You have not yet experienced life outside of school, outside of parents. And if you feel that you aren't ready to leave those things yet, it's because you aren't. You sound like a very bright girl, and your gut instinct is probably the right one. If he is willing to "lose" you -- NOT the other way around -- over moving to another city when you're not ready... then his priorities are not the same as you. And if that's the case, then as hard as it is to experience and see, maybe he's not the guy for you. If he's willing to give you time and space to come to your own decision, that means he respects you as a person, not as his attachment.

Thank you. This is just so hard because I honestly thought that maybe he'd be the "one". Maybe I'm naive, but I do believe in soul mates and I guess I just assumed he was the one... even after only 6 months.

cr4zyc4tl4dy · Nov 21, 2011

Lokilove said:
Hi there

Sorry you're going through this + depression + school. Life really sucks sometimes but good things do come of it. The apprehension you're feeling is a red flag and it's really important to listen to those. I agree with what Libby said...finish highschool and then you can do whatever you want, with or without him. A guy who really cares about you will wait...and if he won't there's a guy out there who will. Actions speak louder than words...don't forget that.

Thank you so much. He pretty much already told me once that he didn't want to wait two or three years for me to finish school...

jennyr · Nov 21, 2011

I also committed myself at the age of 17 to a 23 year old. I fell out with my parents over it and nearly ran away with him when he moved. But something inside me warned me to wait and not do anything irrevocable like leaving school, home, family etc, and in the end I realised that what he gave me was not a 'keeping' emotion but was all to do with my lack of self esteem and fear of being alone. I went on to go to college, have lots of fun with friends and there were plenty of other boyfriends in my life before I met the mand who became my first husband. Your relationship will keep a few months while you discover inside yourself whether it is really for ever, and meanwhile you have time to refect and continue with the other important things that cannot wait. You sound like a brave, intelligent girl who can analyse what is happening, and I am sure you will not do anything that will spoil the future for you at such a young age.

rockcat · Nov 21, 2011

I don't know anything about your BF. Just please keep in mind that the first step of a control freak is to move you away from your family and friends. It starts off so innocent...

cr4zyc4tl4dy · Nov 21, 2011

Rockcat said:
I don't know anything about your BF. Just please keep in mind that the first step of a control freak is to move you away from your family and friends. It starts off so innocent...

...he is a control freak... I know he is. My mom has told me numerous times that he is and I also see the behaviour...

feralvr · Nov 21, 2011

Hun

Yes - this will be very, very hard on you but you seem to have a deep sense about yourself and this guy and know this is just wrong for him to try to get you to go with him, selfish

......Let me tell you from experience - You are way better off without this guy in your life. Actually, he will be doing you a favor by taking off like this

I am sorry to say. Stay strong, stay true to yourself and your heart, protect your heart - This guy is not worthy of you. I know you don't see it right now :touch: but someday you will. I promise - and we are here for you to help you through the rough times :nod: And he doesn't even have your best interest's at heart. You really have to finish H.S. for sure and if her really loved and cared for you and your future, he would support this goal. I say - again - be strong and I think you already know deep down what a big mistake it would be for you to go with him......

cr4zyc4tl4dy · Nov 21, 2011

Feralvr said:
Hun

Yes - this will be very, very hard on you but you seem to have a deep sense about yourself and this guy and know this is just wrong for him to try to get you to go with him, selfish

......Let me tell you from experience - You are way better off without this guy in your life. Actually, he will be doing you a favor by taking off like this

I am sorry to say. Stay strong, stay true to yourself and your heart, protect your heart - This guy is not worthy of you. I know you don't see it right now

but someday you will. I promise - and we are here for you to help you through the rough times

And he doesn't even have your best interest's at heart. You really have to finish H.S. for sure and if her really loved and cared for you and your future, he would support this goal. I say - again - be strong and I think you already know deep down what a big mistake it would be for you to go with him......

Thank you so much for your support. I truly appreciate it.

sneakymom · Nov 21, 2011

{{hugs}}

All I'm going to say is this. In today's economy you can go NO WHERE for a job without a high school diploma. And that's a minimum. An associates/bachelor's degree is better.

If he really cared about you (and I know this comment might hurt) he'd be willing to wait for you until you finished school. Or at least got your GED (or whatever is comparable- I see you live in Canada)

The apprehension you're feeling is a huge red flag to me- it sounds like you're thinking going away with him would be a bad idea.

We're all here to support you.

Cheryl

speakhandsforme · Nov 21, 2011

My advice, like that of the other posters, is to let him go. :alright:

It really does seem awful right now, but you will thank yourself later for breaking up with this guy. Codependency is never a good thing, and if he truly is a control freak, letting him go will be the best thing for you.

Good luck. :heart3:

luvmyparker · Nov 21, 2011

cr4zyc4tl4dy said:
...he is a control freak... I know he is. My mom has told me numerous times that he is and I also see the behaviour...

If you know he is a control freak your best bet is to get out of it while you can and while it is on his terms. I was in a similar relationship and it ended very badly. Having depression, you're in no position to have some guy tell you every move to make. It WILL make it worse. I am not trying to tell you what to do, of course, I am just hoping that you'll see you don't need to be with a guy like that. Live life on your terms...not someone elses. I wish you the best of luck, no matter what you chose.

natalie_ca · Nov 21, 2011

I'm sorry that you are going through this difficulty. Love isn't an easy thing, especially when you are a teenager.

You are only 17. You will meet and date a whole lot of frogs before you find your Prince Charming.

My best advice to you is to let him move and go your separate ways. Go back to school and get an education because that is the one thing between you having to depend on someone else for support and being independant and able to support yourself.

Please don't fall victim to being stuck in a controlling relationship, uneducated and dependant on your husband to support you and your kids because you can't get a job that pays enough to support yourself.

However, I know what I was like at 17 years. No one could tell me anything and I thought I knew it all. So you are likely to do what you want to do regardless of what anyone says. You already admit that your mother told you that your b/f is controlling, and you see the behaviour, yet there you are....still in the relationship.

So all I can really do is wish you well in whatever choice you make and that it works out well for you in the long term.

cr4zyc4tl4dy · Nov 21, 2011

Thank you so much everyone.

I will definitely be keeping everything that everyone has said in mind.

All of your advice really helped. Again, I thank you.

trouts mom · Nov 21, 2011

SwampWitch said:
It sounds like you both have things to do and take care of; things you each need to do alone, before you can be together.

Yes, you should finish school first and foremost. I know it doesn't seem like the most important thing to you now, but you will regret it if you don't finish while you're still young.

Stressed & confused...

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