When the moment comes...

This is Dixie, as you can see she is not a cat, but she thinks she is. She is 14.5 years old, nearing her last days, she is now tired.

She is not one of my 6 cats, she is my loyal friend. She has endured the hours I have spent with cats in need. The battered. the abandoned, the lost, the sick ones that she knows will get attention yet she waits. For this I can say I am sorry and commend her selflessness.

This is the one who made me laugh, she is who came on vacation, who canoed, ran amuk, played on the beach, spent countless hours looking into my face for approval, the one who opened her heart to every friend, the one who has comforted me for many years, now I comfort her in these last few days.

 She is the one who waited. For what may have seemed like an endless stream of kittens, cats, the past and the present,  She hears me in the kitchen with Fig Newton, who snorts and has one eye, who has every meal served to him while she waits in the other room.

 She has waited for my return from vet visits, waited for the pregnant cats and her kittens, patient while I spent the hours needed for their survival and all the hours I spent educating myself, of hours of research of what to do and how to do it.

She is the nurse, kissing the cats on the nose, the accepting one, for without her patience, none of the cats who came to me would not have been helped, for this I owe you a dept of gratitude. I love you Dixie Bell with all my heart.  

 She waited, sharing the bed with the kitten next to my chest, She waited while I spent the night tending to a kitten with a cold. She is the one who agreed to share a bedroom with many boxes of kittens and their mamas and waking up to the cats to more cats.

She was their hostess,  knowing that every cat no matter how long they stayed were welcome. If they mattered to me, they mattered to her. 

 She is the one who protected us all. She saw adopters and cats come and go,

She agreed for share me with all of them. For this I thank her. she is jealous of only one, Blueberry, the bottle raised cat, as if he can take her place, maybe but never. And their is her best girl, Holiday, who makes sure she is safely tucked away under her blanket every night. How will she cope?

She is the brave one taking her medicine, she is the one who seeks me out to beckon me to sit next to her on the couch. she is now the one with the sacred heart, she is the one that is the good girl, now, with the scared look in her eyes, telling me she is going to leave now as she drifts through these last days.

How can I say goodbye to Dixie Bell, gracefully, I hope. Well, I tell you that through this post, it is a beginning of a heartbreaking process.

I honestly don't know how I can spend a day without her, it seems unimaginable. So, with tears streaming down my face, as she waits again now to finish this message to you, I state my farewell.

Thank you for listening cat people and friends.

 I pay homage to Dixie, my loving companion and best little friend.

Lisajo, much love to you and Dixie. My Chito will be there waiting for Dixie when the time comes, and. You will feel good again in time.

Similar to what Gordonsmom's vet said, I read a quote online from a vet about euthanasia, "Better a week early than an hour late...", but I don't know that any of us go into euthanasia and always feel 100% sure days later... the vet gave us some pills to administer to Georgie over several hours before the appointment, and she kinda rallied and perked up a bit... that bothered me so much later.

But I read the book "The Older Cat" and realized that the medicine probably calmed her down from her anxiety from not being able to walk on her back legs that left her with a vulnerable, scared feeling.

There's lots of great books on pet grief out there, each I take a nugget that helps, but Gareth's "When The Moment Comes" stands out as being the most help...

I was sure that the moment was right but the grief was overwhelming.  Plus, the vet really messed up with the pre-pre calming med.  The vet was coming to the house & we didn't want him to run & hide.  The compounding pharmacy said to give him alprazolam.  The vet added phenobarbitone & it was just awful for an hour.  All that careful planning gone to waste. 

We had someone come to the house as well. Minnie played that morning and my profile is her and me looking out the window waiting for the vet. She needed a 3rd chest draining in 2 weeks and prognosis wasn't good ( chylothorax) so I decided not to let her go through any more procedures that take one more spark of energy from her. Our at home experience was beautiful as it was so peaceful....wish everyone could transition so peacefully. Vet gave her the calming shot which immobilized her in 10 seconds then administered the euthanizing drug when we were done with hugs. Mikki even came to give her sister a lick on the forehead. Sad but just perfect. My heart goes out to you for your loss but because your loss is so great it signifies your mission you set out to do...which was love on your fur baby and give them the best life possible is accomplished...for however long they are in our care. [emoji]128522[/emoji][emoji]10084[/emoji]️

one thing I would do differently is to give my cat something to calm her down first. She hated the vet!! which is how I knew it was her time, she only had one last vet visit. Still she had an easy time even though she was a little grumpy and scared

soon the first shots were done she began calming down, it was easier for me to have the vet take her to the back for the first shots <3

at first I wondered how that went, but they always said she was an easy cat to work with.

and my vet was in the zone when she administered the final doses, she was in pure love and wanting this to go well and easy for all of us. I gave them a rave review for this. 5 stars.

Once we said our good-byes over the week at home, we treated it like a regular vet visit....once she was in my arms relaxing we resumed our good-byes and singing to her.

yes, all we can do is love and provide for them and allow them to experience this life as well as we are able to.

much love to those who are going through this now, or have gone through it.

hollysnow said:

 
one thing I would do differently is to give my cat something to calm her down first. She hated the vet!! which is how I knew it was her time, she only had one last vet visit. Still she had an easy time even though she was a little grumpy and scared

soon the first shots were done she began calming down, it was easier for me to have the vet take her to the back for the first shots <3

at first I wondered how that went, but they always said she was an easy cat to work with.

and my vet was in the zone when she administered the final doses, she was in pure love and wanting this to go well and easy for all of us. I gave them a rave review for this. 5 stars.

Once we said our good-byes over the week at home, we treated it like a regular vet visit....once she was in my arms relaxing we resumed our good-byes and singing to her.

yes, all we can do is love and provide for them and allow them to experience this life as well as we are able to.

much love to those who are going through this now, or have gone through it.

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I mean I would give her a Valium at home, before the vet. Pet approved type.

So well expressed. Thank you so much, Gareth.

My sympathies for everyone here who has lost a loved one. My thanks to this site, those who run it, those who need it, those who use it. Everyone brings so much comfort by sharing everything about their own  babies. This place has been a great comfort to me.

Hi Gareth - I want to thank you, like so many others, for your beautiful expression of what it means to love, and be loved by, a cat, and how to face the terrible loss of that friend.  I had to say goodbye to my darling Rosie yesterday, my friend for nearly thirteen years.  She meant so much to me and helped me get through very difficult times.  She was calm, brave, sweet-natured and very self-sufficient, but chose to give her companionship and affection to me for which I will be forever grateful.  I admired her so much.  I found it very difficult to make the decision to release her from her suffering, because I couldn't bear to lose her, but in the end I did and your words have given me comfort that I did the right thing.  (Today, the day after, I woke up desperately wishing I'd kept her for just one more day, but it would have been one more day of selfishly keeping her for me, another day of suffering for her.)  Anyway, thank you - you said it beautifully and it's very comforting.

First timer here on this site. I cannot thank you enough for the inspirational post. In less than 24 hours I am having my vet come to my home to help me say goodbye to my best (fur) friend, Jose'. He's 15 plus years old and we discovered he has lymphoma. He's now at half his original body weight and sadly it's time to say goodbye. My heart is breaking but I will reread your beautiful sentiment as many times as needed to get me through tomorrow and the days to come. Bless you!

Josesmama said:

First timer here on this site. I cannot thank you enough for the inspirational post. In less than 24 hours I am having my vet come to my home to help me say goodbye to my best (fur) friend, Jose'. He's 15 plus years old and we discovered he has lymphoma. He's now at half his original body weight and sadly it's time to say goodbye. My heart is breaking but I will reread your beautiful sentiment as many times as needed to get me through tomorrow and the days to come. Bless you!

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I'm so sorry.  Thinking about you and Jose today.  

Thank you. Yesterday was one of the most difficult days of my life. I had to say goodbye to my sweet Jose. The only consolation was that I was taking away his pain. Sadly there was no other option, short of letting him suffer selfishly for one more day. My heart aches for him. My home seems empty and I have called out his name hoping for some sign me was still with me. I have had many pets in my life but after 15 wonderful years, he was truly my fur child. I will not get another pet in the future. This loss was too great.

Nearing the year anniversary, I found something I wrote to a friend of mine within a month after Georgie's death...

"I am pretty sure I know why grief yanks you up and down the first 3 days, then lets up for 2... because if the intensity of grief started out as bad as it does the first 3 days and slowly ramped downward, I would be in the crazy house in 2 weeks. On the 6th day and 7th day I had got wrapped up in work and was doing so well, I thought I was crazy. But grief wasn't done, it wasn't near done... it was just letting up on me for a few days to give me a vacation before it yanked me down violently again. It is like having to drink a huge vat of Go Lightly, you know you have to drink the first 30% in the first 3 days, and the next 30% over the next three weeks... the more you cry, the more you get rid of the toxins... You go into the the relationship knowing you will almost surely outlive the cat, but your crazy conscious mind says, "But I just want her back..."

You are so right. The grief is awful and catches me at the worst moments. It's two days now and I feel like I am walking around without a piece of my heart. There is a part of me that doesn't want to stop hurting because then his memory will become further away from me. And I don't want to lose him.

I can relate to the not wanting the hurt to stop to a degree, I would go to youtube and watch Vivienne Matthews, "Letter From A Lost Pet" over and over, knowing what it would do emotionally to me each time I watched it... howevah, as someone once said, "you have to walk through grief, not around it..." so sometimes it's like we subject ourselves to the pain...

In reference to your getting or not getting a cat in the future, everyone is different, everyone's timetable is different. But Georgie came to our house as a stray needing a home, so did Elmo. So when they were gone, we thought at the right time, giving a home to another needy cat is what they would have wanted. So after Elmo, we got Venus - a year and half old, the last of a litter still at a foster home for a non profit pet center. After Georgie's death, we specifically asked the humane society for an adult cat that had been passed over by other prospective owners - and got a real sweet 3 year old.

Both Venus and Abigail HELPED the healing process for us...it's too soon for you now josesmama to absorb this...

And for what it's worth, the first 3 days are usually the most horrible, it may let up a little on the 4th day...

Thanks kmd, going on day 4 now, and was able to empty the litterpan and wash it.My son came home from an early am lacrosse practice and found me crying in the driveway with the hose cleaning it.  He gave me a big hug and I told him I was sorry for the tears, that it's a process.  I think that means I am starting to get through the grief, and not around it. I mean really, who keeps a dirty litterpan in their home with no cat? I will watch the youtube video you suggested, when I am feeling a bit stronger. I plan to store most of my cat supplies, which tells me there will come a day, when a cat will find it's way to me. I have had cats and other various pets my entire life and have volunteered at a number of shelters over the years, pre kids. Both kids will be away at college in the fall, so I suspect that the timing might be right then.  Thank you again in sharing my pain, and offering some comfort. It truly helps. 

Josesmama said:

 
Thanks kmd, going on day 4 now, and was able to empty the litterpan and wash it.My son came home from an early am lacrosse practice and found me crying in the driveway with the hose cleaning it.  He gave me a big hug and I told him I was sorry for the tears, that it's a process.  I think that means I am starting to get through the grief, and not around it. I mean really, who keeps a dirty litterpan in their home with no cat? I will watch the youtube video you suggested, when I am feeling a bit stronger. I plan to store most of my cat supplies, which tells me there will come a day, when a cat will find it's way to me. I have had cats and other various pets my entire life and have volunteered at a number of shelters over the years, pre kids. Both kids will be away at college in the fall, so I suspect that the timing might be right then.  Thank you again in sharing my pain, and offering some comfort. It truly helps. 

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Hi Josesmama, I'm on day 4 myself and know exactly how you feel. The Rogue died very suddenly on Saturday and the vets are still trying to figure out the reason why. I did not have any time to say good-bye, and I couldn't yet bring myself to clean his litterpan. I wouldn't know what to do if I did not have other cats I have to take care of. 

I'm on my second day at work after he died, and finding it difficult to concentrate, forgetting things. But I also realized how amazingly kind people are once you tell them. 

I am told time heals, and I comfort myself telling me he is feeling well now, wherever he is. He never had much to do with rainbows but he did like gardens, so I imagine him in a huge garden, investigating and busy meeting other cats.

I'm am so very sorry about the loss of your sweet Rogue. So glad you have others kitties to keep you busy but I'm sure it's still awful trying to explain to the others where he went. Each day it seems Jose is getting further away from me. More of a memory than a reality. And I don't want to let him go.

roguethecat said:

Hi Josesmama, I'm on day 4 myself and know exactly how you feel. The Rogue died very suddenly on Saturday and the vets are still trying to figure out the reason why. I did not have any time to say good-bye, and I couldn't yet bring myself to clean his litterpan. I wouldn't know what to do if I did not have other cats I have to take care of. 
I'm on my second day at work after he died, and finding it difficult to concentrate, forgetting things. But I also realized how amazingly kind people are once you tell them. 
I am told time heals, and I comfort myself telling me he is feeling well now, wherever he is. He never had much to do with rainbows but he did like gardens, so I imagine him in a huge garden, investigating and busy meeting other cats.

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And I apologize if I should be including your quote in the thread. Still trying to figure this out.

Great piece.   

After almost 19 years with my Lucy-kitty,  I know the time I have dreaded for all those many years is inevitably nearing.  She has a couple of the ailments typical to an elderly feline (hyperthyroidism, renal failure), but thankfully, as I write this, she still has quality of life.  She receives twice-daily thyroid meds,  once-nightly Sub-Q treatments and twice-daily doses of cat lax to stave off constipation.   She has had her setbacks over the years, but she's always been incredibly resilient...and while she's not slowing  down too much, I also know that her time left grows shorter every day.

It is difficult for me to write this all down, as I become grief-stricken very easily.  I have worried over my Lucy since she was less than ten weeks old...and now that we are in the autumn of her life, I stress almost continually over when that day will come.  Intellectually, I feel like I have come to terms with inevitable, and when that time comes, I will know, and I expect that will do the right thing at the right time.  It is so difficult look at my little, ragged tiger every day and know that her remaining time is now likely measured in months, if we are lucky.  I carry this weight with me every single day, and there are times when I become so overcome with grief, that I have to leave my apartment for a few minutes so that I can cry and and let go of some of my anxiety away from her.  My dearest friend for many years has told me not to worry my Lucy-kitty to death...and she is right.  I do whatever I can to remain positive when I am with my Lucy, for her sake, and I do not want to rob her of her energy.

I'm such a deeply sensitive person, so I have to stay away from too many sad, animal-related stories on the internet.    I have finally bitten down hard and looked into "at home" care for when her time comes.  I have always lived on a fairly limited income, but have managed to hold onto enough money to pay for her final expenses.  Starting at the end of this week, we be making the switch from a clumping cat litter to the old fashioned clay, because I read that the clumping litter can be bad on her digestion.

As I said, my Lucy still has quality of life.  She still has a good appetite, and in fact wakes me up enthusiastically every morning between 2 and 4am to be fed.  She still greets me excitedly every day when I get home from work and we go out on short walks several days/evenings a week.  She still does not let me eat a single meal in peace...especially if it's poultry.  But,  I don't know how much longer this will go on.  Throughout her life, my Lucy has always had an amazing constitution, and that's probably what is keeping her going now as we near her 19th year...