I'm a bit depressed...need advice

The past week or so, I've, for the first time in my life, felt quite down. I think I'll find some way to solve the problem on own, and with some advice from y'all.

We've been married 7 years, and don't have (and are not having) kids. I just realized how empty my life is in the "need humans around me more often" area. I have exactly one real friend, who I also work with. I don't make friends easily; I can schmooz well at parties, etc., but I don't make the type of friends who want to really bond with me away from those parties, etc. I guess what I'm saying is, I LOVE to entertain in my home--I love to cook for people, make them happy, chat about shared interests, etc. I love making the house look nice for them. I've tried asking the neighbors over since we've been here; they once (7 years ago) came to a Christmas party. We've invited them and their kids to a couple of Halloween parties (which were not on the actual night, so it wasn't a matter of taking the kids out for that which prevented them coming). They all have excuses not to come. They're nice enough when I run into them outdoors, though, but not really friends. They all have kids; until recently, most of the wives didn't work outside the home, like I do. A few months after moving here, I was invited to a home demonstration party (I hate those!). One woman turned to me, introduced herself, asked if I were married, then asked if we had kids. I said, "No", then she abruptly turned to talk to someone else, ignoring me the rest of the night (she was sitting on the sofa, beside me, BTW). I was the only person at the party who was childless.

I was home sick today, and the feeling hit me again--just how lonely I am. DH gets home all times of the night. I have family who doesn't speak to me. Mom died in June. My friend now has a live-in-fiance, and has increasingly declined invitations for them to come over (I think it's him). I don't have a lot of time to go out. With 9 cats, all I do is clean, go to work, and sometimes to reenactments a couple of times a year. I'm a bit of a loner, but even I need human interaction sometimes! Holidays suck around here. It's just DH & I, which is ok, but 7 years straight of that is wearing thin--it's not being with him--it just shows how lonely we are--and no kids to share things with. We adore our cats, but they are not people. If it weren't for them, though, I'd go around the bend.

How do I meet people when I don't have time and don't feel like driving far to meet them? I would love to have people visit, and chat about history, pets, politics, etc. Everyone seems to be busy with their lives, and have no time to be with us.

Of course, many of the neighbors conveniently are "allergic to cats" or "don't like cats"; I've actually had friends say they wouldn't come over because they are afraid of cats.

Thanks for listening.

Do you like to read? I've found that most libraries have book clubs that meet a few times a month, that could lead to some friendships with people who share a common interest.

There are also non-dating internet sites out there - I haven't ever tried them but I have a friend who joined a singles group and went with people on outings like hiking, mountain biking, and other outdoorsy type stuff. Maybe you could find something in your area based on your interests.

Volunteering for a cause that you are passionate about is also a good way to meet people.

Unfortunately, it seems like people don't host/attend dinners at friends' houses as much as they used to. My mom has a group of friends in her neighborhood who she's known for years and years, and they get together at someone's house for dinner and conversation it seems like once a week. My mom also plays bridge and she and my sister play bunko with a group of women once a month - if you are into cards or games like that maybe you can find a group close to home to join?

I'm not a church person, but my mom also had a group of people from church who formed a "supper club" and they would go to a different person's house each month for a potluck style dinner.

I understand about having a hard time meeting people. I'm a lot like you, I can do the small talk thing at parties but I have a hard time finding people who share my interests that I really connect with. I love live music, and Denver is small enough and my music tastes are out of the mainstream enough that I started seeing the same people at shows, which was a cool way to meet people.

Good luck! There has to be something out there.

Thanks. However, since I work at the local library, and my direct boss leads the book club, I'd rather not mix that with my personal life (and they only do safe, non-controversial fiction. They once got in trouble for reviewing a novel that had a faith-based theme! And I don't read fiction.)

I'd like to volunteer, but I've thought about that--I don't think I could promise to devote x-number of hours per week. I have tons of cleaning and laundry to do, so getting out once or more nights a week would be hard.

I'm not the outdoors type.

Yeah, I know it sounds like I'm making excuses already!

I think part of the problem is that, since we have no kids, what's going to happen to DH & I later in life. What will be our legacy? What's our purpose in life? I just find that thought so very sad, and it's started to really bother me lately.

Life sometimes can be "hard" if we sit & look with certain point of view... I can tell you this...sometimes is better be alone than a fake "friendship" from someone...
Since I discover TCS, my Laptop always has a BUNCH of friends always ready for listen me & for help me in all senses of my life...

Thank you Marge for listen you at me....

I think a big part of making new friends is stepping out of your comfort zone. I am in a city 2 hours from where I grew up and most of my friends are still that far away. For me, one of my girlfriends actually works with Gary. We do a weekly girls night and go out for a few drinks or go to dinner.
As lame as it sounds: Check a site like craigslist. I know here there are always ads for people that want to meet up with others and make friends and go out to dinner once a month or something like that.

I know how you feel. I do have RL friends but they are pretty busy doing their own things and slowly getting married. They would hang out any time if I asked but I don't because I am not a phone person. My social anxiety has me by the throat right now.

I have a small number of online friends whom I chat with on an almost daily basis but I still feel like a loner to them. Even here, there are only a select few that have actually interacted with me. I always get the feeling people don't like me, no matter how nice I try to be. It's a crappy feeling but its been this way my whole life, I guess I am sort of used to it.

Maybe you could start your own club. Ya never know, you might come up with a great idea and meet lots of people.

"I always get the feeling people don't like me, no matter how nice I try to be."

This is exactly how I feel.

Try meetup.com! You can find groups of people in your area based on shared interests -- books, movies, cuisine, beliefs/religion, athletics, etc. Some groups require a membership fee, but otherwise it is perfectly free!

You might also check out thechildfreelife.com. It's a site/forum for people who have chosen not to have children (although there are a few who simply cannot for various reasons). I know it isn't face-to-face interaction, but it may be a nice support group for you. I hate the stigma that you MUST have children to have a happy life. It's pretty ridiculous.

I hope you start feeling a bit better and have some success with some of the awesome suggestions in this thread.

If having no children means you'll have no friends, I guess I will stay a bit of a loner. I don't plan to have any kids in the near future. My cat is my kid.

Pretty sad you have to live a certain lifestyle and have certain things in life in order for people to want to associate with you.

Do you go to a church or anything where you can connect with people? thats a great way to connect with people.. generally

What about a Barnes & Noble? It also has a coffee shop and you can find people who share similar interests as you.

Or....how about taking a class in something you are interested in? That is always a good place to meet new people.

I know how you feel. I'm not married, childless, not dating, and have no family left that counts.

Basically, I am alone. Work is the ONLY human contact I have. If I didn't have that I would go insane consumed by the loneliness at home.

A lot of my friends are just busy because they have family, etc. It oftens makes me feel left out. I spend all my time working or cleaning the house and doing yardwork.

I try to go out and go to a few stores, just to get out.

Hmmm...do you have any hobbies? I am in Audubon and go bird watching. Try to find something you are interested in and join it. It could be anything...book club, photography, bird watching, etc.

Those are probably the best places to start with.

It is hard when you don't have children, to have friends who do have them. I have 4, and I have to say, I'm so busy with them, most of my friends are those I've met through the kids. I have 2 or 3 close friends from childhood, but they don't live close so I really don't see them.

I don't really enjoy getting together with people AND their children. I love my kids, but sometimes I find anyone elses annoying. Maybe go out to dinner or get a girls night out together? No kids involved?

I have always had a hard time making friends, but I have found friends throughout my life that ALSO have a hard time.

Originally Posted by MargeCat

I'd like to volunteer, but I've thought about that--I don't think I could promise to devote x-number of hours per week. I have tons of cleaning and laundry to do, so getting out once or more nights a week would be hard.

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Most volunteering places don't require you to devote x-number of hours; they are just happy to have you there at all. I'd say volunteering would be a great route for you.

Originally Posted by MargeCat

"I always get the feeling people don't like me, no matter how nice I try to be."

This is exactly how I feel.

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I too feel like this almost all of the time.

I've found I've gotten to the point where even those who I thought were friends, I want nothing more to do with. I really have absolutely nothing in common with them. A lot of it is the same thing, they don't like cats, are allergic, have no empathy at all towards the rescue work I do, etc.

Even my best friend, I have nothing in common with and am finding interacting with her more of a chore than anything else. She has a new baby and he is her life, where I have no desire to really have anything to do with kids. She also doesn't live close to me at all anymore.

I often get down and feel like no one really gets who I am, how I feel and what I believe in.

Don't take this the wrong way, but are you sure you know the real reasons why people don't come to your house? I got a terrible shock last year when someone said to me that they were surprised my house only 'smelt a little' of cats. I clean the boxes and mop the floors every day, and wash the throws on the sofas once a week. I was quite sure my house didn't smell at all. But I at once began to ask people and they all confirmed that yes, it was noticeable. So I changed my cleaning regime and keep my windows open ( I have now had screens put on them, something we don't have normally in Europe) and I think it is better. Several friends have said the house is fresher. I have eight cats and the dog, and I know how hard it is to keep things clean - only a suggestion.

Originally Posted by jennyranson

Don't take this the wrong way, but are you sure you know the real reasons why people don't come to your house? I got a terrible shock last year when someone said to me that they were surprised my house only 'smelt a little' of cats. I clean the boxes and mop the floors every day, and wash the throws on the sofas once a week. I was quite sure my house didn't smell at all. But I at once began to ask people and they all confirmed that yes, it was noticeable. So I changed my cleaning regime and keep my windows open ( I have now had screens put on them, something we don't have normally in Europe) and I think it is better. Several friends have said the house is fresher. I have eight cats and the dog, and I know how hard it is to keep things clean - only a suggestion.

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No, I don't think it's that--they've never been in my house! They just hear that I have a lot of cats, and assume my house smells. DH's friend's wife actually said that to DH, when her was at her house, and told her that we have 9 cats. She wrinkled her nose, and said, "Ooh--you're house must SMELL!". The one friend I mentioned that wouldn't come over because I had cats is genuinely afraid of cats--I have known that for years (she was my volunteer at work for many years. She once told me she hated cats because her mother did. Seriously...)

Originally Posted by MargeCat

"I always get the feeling people don't like me, no matter how nice I try to be."

This is exactly how I feel.

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I feel like this, too.....even on this board quite often.

I'm sorry you're feeling this way.

You and I live in the same state and I wish there was some way we could get together from time to time.

I think I had mentioned in other posts how surprised people are when they visit our home and don't smell cat odors. "But you have all these cats! I thought your house would really stink!" I have issues with people who think that.

My best friend in the world is a Pentecostal preacher and he lives in Minnesota. I'm lucky to see him once every two to three years. My two best GFs both live out of state; one is in Connecticut and the other is in Texas. We try to stay in contact via phones and email.

I go out to dinner once a month or so with some acquantances from work; they're co-workers more than anything, I think. There are five of us, four are married and one is a widow. Two don't work with us anymore, but we all still try to stay in contact. I've grown close to one of the women who doesn't work here anymore and you'll most likely hear us laughing if you enter the local Dunkin Donuts....the two of us together have a lot of fun.

But I don't have a really close friend to hang out with, go shopping with, call on the spur of the moment and say, "Hey, let's do something". And I miss that.

I have some serious trust issues, too, and that may be why I tend to keep people at arms' length. I don't like feeling that I have to constantly agree with people just to keep their friendship. But with a lot of people, it seems that as soon as I have my own opinion about a topic, well, I'm not a good friend anymore. Do you know how frustrating that is?

Im in the same boat but my lack of friends has stemmed from people who I thought were friends were using me or only hung out with me because I offered something for them or were just fake. My best friend lives in Japan and we have never met in real life but every morning and night we talk like we have been best friends since forever. The only person I do anything with irl is df. We have had our bad patches but in the end he is the one person I can trust no matter what and no matter what happens he has been the only person who has stuck by me thru thick and thin the good the bad and the down right ugly.

Ive found out that the people who I considered family are users, jerks, fakes, and just down right nasty humans. Not people I want to associate with if a gun was pointed to my head. I dont even bother faking it anymore because I would rather them know me and see me for who I really am than some fake sugary sweetness crap that Im not.


I have accepted that this is the type of life I want and is good for me. It seems like its lonely but deep down, Im happier alone or at home with DF than I am with tons of 'friends'. I dont invite people over to my house after extending myself tons of times only to be left behind over and over again. Sometimes I think my choice to be alone is more of a defense mechanism but it really is more of a lesson learned.

I'm a bit of a loner by nature, so please take my advice worth a grain of salt, but I'm going to second the idea of taking a class (even a short one) or joining an activity. I've met some great people at quilting classes (some of them only 4 hours or 2 days long) who certainly don't mind cats. As for volunteering, look into different types. A friend of mine recently retired but ran into the same problem as you with not being able to commit to x hours, but she loved the local museum. When she talked to them and they discovered she can sew, she got to make costume pieces and props for the museum - every now and then she gets together with the other "crafts people" and they have a craft-y day. Even better than taking a class, can you teach something or just start your own bookclub in your home? My mom tried teaching embroidery in their little village a few years back and instantly gained a circle of 8 ladies who all wanted to get out and meet people but didn't have the time to drive into town to do so...they'd lived within 10 minutes of each other for years, but never really knew each other beyond passing in the post office. I'll admit they didn't get much embroidery done but they shared loads of coffee, tea and stories.

Anyway, just some ideas.

It's tough making friends when you're an adult. It seems the older a person gets, the harder it is. You're right, having a kid puts you in places with others who have kid(s) and instantly there's a common interest. It only works for young kids, though, with playgroups and parks and elementary school; once the kids get older the parents usually aren't around much.

I would also like to suggest volunteer work - it's the best way to make friends as an adult. There's something about giving of your time and making things easier for people that makes them respond to you in a good way. Art galleries, neighborhood newspapers, museums, all schools, and special community events are just some opportunities. There are also programs where you take a hot meal to an lonely elderly person once a week, and visit with them if you'd like.

I organized the parent volunteers for the elementary school our daughter attended. I met LOTS of parents who had time during the day like I did (some of them are still my good friends). For several years, there were 5 nice moms who helped out in the school office (for about an hour once a week) and we'd all get together outside of the school and meet for coffee and talk for hours. Volunteering is a great way to meet friends!

Regarding inviting parents with kids over to your house... we've never turned down an invitation because the hostess didn't have kids, but it can be nerve-wracking for the parents. When the hosting couple has a kid or two, you know the house is kid-proofed and you know that there are other kids, and toys and activities for your kid to have fun, either in the other kids' rooms or outside in the yard. You keep an ear or eye out, but you can relax and have a glass of wine with grown-up conversation.

We've been to dinners with no kids when our daughter was little, and she was well-behaved (thankfully) but it wasn't easy. I would always bring lots of activities to keep her occupied, but many times we were in gorgeous homes with delicate, breakable valuables all over the place, so your little kid can't explore or even look at the stuff… forget running around a bit. Sometimes the host/ess was clueless about kids and thought they should be happy to sit with the grownups all night. I'm not saying you've done that, but people might not realize how stressful it is for the parents when their kid is bored out of his mind and needs to "behave."

Rent a bouncy castle for your yard this Halloween, maybe BBQ some hotdogs, and I guarantee you'll have the neighbors and their kids wanting to come over. I hope you find what you are looking for.