What can I do?

My sister is hurting....really hurting. She's blaming herself for letting me down with Lily and for letting Lily down. I wanted to take Lily to the ER vet and she didn't think it was necessary. And Lily died. All she does is cry. She wants something to hold and cuddle. She wants a stray kitten, but she wants a stray kitten to just walk up to her back door.

I'm blaming myself for ever getting her mixed up in the whole thing and feeling terrible that I even called her. But I knew I couldn't catch Lily by myself. Rick wasn't home and I needed help. I never thought that any of this would happen and I feel guilty as hell about the whole thing. Some sisters we are.

My BIL and I have been talking and we thought maybe another stray would help her, even if it wasn't actually on their property. A woman at work has a darling little stray tabby kitten, about 7 weeks old, that's outside all the time. They're feeding her and putting drops in her eyes as she had had a bit of an eye infection. The little girl looks adorable and she sounds like a real sweetie...she loves to be picked up and she'll lay her head on their shoulder and purr. They can't keep her as two of her kids are really allergic to cats. She suggested that maybe my sister take her.

I texted the kitty's picture to my BIL yesterday and he tried talking to my sister. It did not go well. I also texted pictures of little girl babies when Tabby and I were at the vet last night. She refuses to look at the pictures and cried and cried. He's done....he says that she just has to deal with this herself. But we are very worried for her.

You have to understand. When she buys plants and such, she doesn't buy healthy ones....she goes to the "hospital" cart at the store and buys the ones who are sick and dying. Plants them and brings them back to life and they flourish under her care....we say that she got the green thumb for plant care and I have the white thumb from flour from cooking. Her furkids have all been strays. When Whiskeys dragged himself to her back door four years ago, he weighed 8 ounces and his rectum was hanging out and he had maggots. She rushed him to the ER vet and when the vet wanted to put him to sleep, she said through tears, "No! He deserves to live! Fix him!" Whiskeys now weighs about 15 pounds and is the Lord of the House.

I don't know what to do for her and I'm worried. For one thing, she's a full time assitant principal and is also working so hard on her PhD. She's so stressed out and it's difficult for her to relax. Sometimes she'll come over or I'll go there and we'll sit with a glass of wine or I'll take her out to dinner, usually some place our husbands don't like...Chinese, Mexican, just so we can chat.

What can I do to help her get over Lily's death? Honestly? I'm tempted to go get the little stray tabby kitten, take it to my sister's, and put it in their enclosed back porch and leave again. I just don't know what to do.

OHHH Pam My heart is going out to you and Sandy. The feeling of loss and guilt she is putting on herself over this is just not healthy and so misplaced. Please try to explain that sometimes these little stray (dying ) kittens show up to us only for us to bring them in and help them to the bridge. There was nothing that could have been done and nothing either of you did wrong, none at all. If anything, you and Sandy gave Lily a beautiful name and she went to the bridge surrounded by love and kindness and did not die outside alone. I would try to explain that to Sandy, that she was just a stepping stone for little Lily to pass on to the bridge, that was her part and YES it is very, very, very depressing and painful. Can you imagine if Lily didn't find her way to you and Sandy, she would have died all alone and cold and unloved . Sandy gave her the gift of love and so did you. You both were saviors for little Lily.

Maybe this happenned for a reason ..... Maybe that other stray tabby kitten IS suppose to be Sandy's now. Maybe that is the joy that is suppose to come out of this whole painful experience with Lily. I think I would go and get that other little kitten and give it to Sandy. That kitten NEEDS a Sandy and I think Sandy needs that kitten.

Oh that's just heartbreaking. The reality of the situation is that even if you had gotten the kitten to er she may not have survived. The sad fact is that sometimes in rescuing, the calling was simply to usher an animal in need to the bridge, so they knew lovr, warmth, and care before it was their time to go. I know your sister is beating herself up because she does not necessarily believe it was Lily's time. But maybe Lily was meant to pave the way for this other kitty in need. And the truth is that animals are not attached to life in the same way that we are. I suspect the overwhelming guilt and sadness your sister feels are more than just the loss of Lily, as sad as it is.

I do think that caring for another kitten may help her recover. However, given her reaction to the idea, I would only follow-through on your idea if you're prepared to adopt or at least foster the baby. Your sister is running on emotion and is bathing in guilt, and may reject this baby in need. Logic is not at home right now.

So I think I'd sit down and write her a long note. Perhaps do this before doing anything about this kitty in need - see if you can get your sister to that place in her mind and heart where she knows she is needed. Perhaps point out that Lily would rather see her helping another kitty in need as opposed to being so burdened with grief. It's natural to grieve, of course, and everyone has their own process. But she doesn't want to make Lily unhappy now because she's so upset she can't save another life?

There's probably a better way to phrase that. But hopefully the ideas will help you help your sister.

Originally Posted by Feralvr

That kitten NEEDS a Sandy and I think Sandy needs that kitten.

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I agree with everything Lauren said, especially this. I'm just worried from your description about how Sandy will react. Of course... seeing and holding a kitten is completely different than talking about it.

Sometimes when we feel guilt and blame ourselves it's really because we don't want feel helpless. Guilt is easier to feel than truly helpless for something bad that happened.

Oh Pam, I don't know what to say. Sandy is taking this so hard. Like your sister, I shop at the "hospital" cart at the garden center, too. There's something especially rewarding about bringing those dumpster-bound plants back to life.

Has Sandy ever lost a kitten/cat before? I remember the first time it happened to me--I was stunned when my 4 year old Thomas died, and I blamed myself for not being a better Meowmy, for not realizing he needed a vet NOW. It's obvious Sandy is blaming herself, but there's absolutely no way of knowing if a trip to the vet could/would have saved Lily. Sandy probably feels as if she's failed, that she should have insisted on a visit to the vet, that she should have somehow known something was wrong with LIly.

I think all you can do at this point is to let her grieve in her own way. Be there to listen to her and let her know you're hurting, too. I assume Lily was laid to rest at one of your homes. Take Sandy a plant/flower that needs some love and plant it as a memorial to LIly. While I think she might eventually come around to the idea of the tabby you mentioned, I think she's going to have to get to that point on her own.

I feel awful for both of you, but as Lauren and Laurie have both said, I think Lily was sent to you and Sandy so that she wouldn't die alone and unloved. The 2 of you were her saviours--that's what Sandy needs to be reminded of. Lily was loved, even if it was for such a short time. I hope Sandy comes to realize that makes all the difference.

Bless you for caring so deeply about your sister's feelings. I hope you can help her thru this.

That's pretty rough. But I do agree that once she sees that kitten, she probably won't be able to reject it. And it's EXTREMELY likely that Lily was put here to get your sis and the tabby kitten together! Maybe if she thought of it that way!

Pam I would just give your sister time to get over this, I don't think her getting another kitten right now is the answer. That's only my opinion but since she is so hurt right now she needs some time to heal and get over this, she has her other kits to comfort her right now. Just give her some time and then maybe she will come to you and ask help in getting another kitten.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

She did lose a kitten before, quite a while ago; it was Whiskeys' brother who had to be put to sleep because it had been hit with a mower before they could get him inside. She cried and then got on with her life. I wonder if she considers Lily a personal failing, in addition to thinking she failed me and Lily. That she failed herself.

I do think things happen for a reason. When Banshee died, I was a mess. I had looked on PetFinders several times for a kitten, but nothing seemed to pan out. Then we just happened to be at the vet that night and there was Mollipop. And I adore that baby of mine. So yes, when I first heard about the little tabby, I thought, "She needs a home and Sandy needs somebody to love." Not as a replacement for Lily, but as a baby in her own right.

But we don't all look at things the same way. And I have to be careful with my sister because while our relationship is good now, it was not always that way. I won't do anything to jeopardize things.

I talked to her husband this morning; we were texting, and I mentioned about how sometimes a kitty just needs a little help along the way to the Bridge. He understands that, but at this point, he doesn't think my sister will. She is quite stubborn and when she sets her mind to something, that's the way it is. I don't now want to alienate my sister to the point where we're not speaking again. It's not pretty when that happens.

I also thought about trying to foster the little tabby until such time as she might go to my sister's house. But honestly, I cannot take on another cat. I just can't, not knowing if I'm really fostering or bringing another baby into the house. I tried to talk to my husband about fostering the little girl and he just says no. If I knew my sister would eventually take her, that's one thing. But if she doesn't, then I will have eight cats....and quite possibly no husband. And I am serious about that. World War III erupted when I told Rick I wanted to keep Tabby and not give her to anybody. It was nasty. I can't get away with that again.

Pam, maybe all your sister needs is to hold the new kitten in her arms. It's so easy to say "no" when you don't have that precious little baby cuddled close to you, but once you hold them and look into their eyes it's usually a whole other story. I hope that's the case for your sister. And this kitty needs a home, just like Lily did. She'll be saving a life, and what greater tribute would that be to the memory of Lily.

Originally Posted by kookycats

Pam, maybe all your sister needs is to hold the new kitten in her arms. It's so easy to say "no" when you don't have that precious little baby cuddled close to you, but once you hold them and look into their eyes it's usually a whole other story. I hope that's the case for your sister. And this kitty needs a home, just like Lily did. She'll be saving a life, and what greater tribute would that be to the memory of Lily.

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I don't agree with you, Sandy needs time right now to just take a step back and breathe. There are always kittens in need so there is no need to rush into anything. Sandy just needs to get her emotions together and deal with her other problems. She really needs her space right now.

I'm so sorry that Lily died. It wasn't your fault or your sisters. You didn't know that was going to happen.

I still sometimes have a hard time with Lynxx's death, still cry over him and was 9 years old. I know I'd have a very hard time if I saw a kitten die. That must have been horrible for both of you.

Maybe your sister needs to have a kitten placed in her arms before she says "yes" to another 1. That's all my mother needed, was to have 8 week old Lynxx placed in her arms and she couldn't refuse

There is nothing you can do other than to be there and support her. Grief is a very individual experience and everyone deals with it in their own way. Some take longer than others to move through the individual stages.

Thank you for posting. We did give her a kitten who really needed a home. I posted in the "His name in Liam" thread.

Hi Pam - will check the "Liam thread", but it sounds like you did the right thing. It's so easy to say no that you don't want another one, but the reality of having a needy kitten (or cat) in your arms is a whole different story. I guess everybody is different, but I know that after we lost BJ, I didn't think I could love another one, but once Angel walked into our house I felt completely different. I still say that she is truly the "Angel" that BJ sent to us because he knew we needed another kitty to love.