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Here's my update, and thanks for the well wishes. - Page 2

post #31 of 55
9/9/11 at 6:43pm
Aw Chris....




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post #32 of 55
9/9/11 at 7:10pm
Thinking of you and the girls Chris
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post #33 of 55
9/13/11 at 5:10am
Thread Starter 
You know, there are days that I am just angry.
There's days where I wonder how we got here.
But most of the days are spent knowing my children, specifically my youngest one, is suffering. She misses her father, heck she missed him when he was here and chose to travel for work.

But, I have seen positive changes in both girls, and in myself too.

Without the stressload of having to watch what I say, worry about what kind of mood he'll be in, just overall uneasiness, I am much more tolerant. I admit that my patience was worn thin over the last while, and I may not have been the most understanding mom I can be.
Both girls also showed "symptoms" from the fighting between he and I.
Now, me and my girls, are fairly relaxed (except for the jumpiness from time to time) and are taking things one day at a time.

Everyone is so much more relaxed now, which is a very very good thing.


I am not religious, but I do firmly believe that everything happens for a reason, and what is meant to be, will be.

I try to think of that when I get down.
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post #34 of 55
9/13/11 at 10:36am
OMG Chris, I am so sorry to hear of all this tragedy. I've been absent quite a bit myself lately, so I had no idea of what all you've been going thru! I wish I could be there to give you a big hug!

I was once involved in an abusive relationship, so I have an idea what you're going thru. You will get thru this - trust me. It will be difficult, but I believe that you're strong enough to overcome it all. I am gonna send you a PM with my cell phone number, so if you need to talk, please feel free to call me. I'm here for you.

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post #35 of 55
9/13/11 at 11:03am
I think you seem to be doing the best things you can be doing right now. Taking it day by day, crying when you need to, getting angry when you need to. You have those bumps along the road, but you get over them. You know you will, and that is so important- knowing that you and your daughters will and are getting through this mess and you'll all be a better person for it.
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post #36 of 55
9/13/11 at 11:11am
Chris, the healing is underway.

I'm so sorry I missed the anniversary of your dad's burial.

But it's nice to hear there are rays of sunshine through all the turmoil.
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post #37 of 55
9/15/11 at 11:14am
Thread Starter 
The system is so screwed up here.
A person applies for legal aid,because they cannot afford a lawyer.
Legal aid puts a lien on the home (fine, I have no objections to paying it back, the money that my lawyer costs).
But because I have a locked in rrsp, I also have to pay a lump sum payment and they've given me 15 days to come up with $1500. :-o
How the heck do they expect someone in a financial situation that warrants applying in the first place, to come up with that kind of money in such a short period of time?
I haven't worked since becoming disabled and was/still am dependent on my (ex)husband. I have no clue how to get that kind of money in such a short period and if I don't pay it, then I lose my legal help.
Just venting, got the letter telling me this yesterday, spent the rest of business hours on the phone trying to understand all of this. I despise automated phone systems, took me 30mins to be able to access a live person, it just kept circling through the automated stuff, very frustrating when calls need to be made during business hours.
If anyone has any clue how to raise money, I am open to suggestions. I've thought about selling items, but I have to be careful and make sure I don't sell anything that he may consider to be ours. Not to mention I don't have many items that are worth anything.

- meeting today to get counseling for my daughter the youngest is the only one that will go, but it's a start, and free thankfully.

- I can't give details, but something is happening today and I am terrified of any repercussions that may happen. I have a safety plan in place, and hopefully that's all I need.

I have to just shake my head at all of this. Never ever did I imagine such cruelty and even basic lack of consideration for a fellow human being was possible. Not by him. The sad part is that it didn't have to be this way. Prior to the incident on the 23rd I would have been willing to separate amicably, saving lawyer fees, court fees, child trauma, my psychological upheaval, etc. We could have worked to find a suitable arrangement.

It would seem that everything in my life has to be done the hardest way possible.

Lastly, most of y'all know my health issues. It's fall weather and they are kicking my butt almost daily.


Keep the vibes coming please.
Thank you for all your thoughts.
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post #38 of 55
9/15/11 at 2:23pm
That's just wrong! As you say, how are you supposed to come up with that kind of money when you're only receiving disability? There's gotta be some kind of help out there for people who are on limited incomes. If I can think of anything, I'll be sure to let you know, Chris.

I wish I had an answer for you regarding your soon-to-be ex husband's cruelty. My ex was the same way, too: I was shocked at some of the things he put me thru. I could never figure out how people like that could even be that way. Don't they have a conscience?

Remember Chris, you have my number, so feel free to call if you need to talk.
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post #39 of 55
9/15/11 at 3:17pm
I wondered how you were doing. I am so sorry you are going through such a rough time. Unfortunately, I know from personal experience just how ugly things can get during a breakup.
I don't know of anyone here that would mind you posting about what is happening with you and yours. Even though most of us have never met face to face, we are a tightly knit group and are more than happy to lend a vibe, a prayer, advice, or just a place to come to get away a little. I am sure all of us wish we could be of help.
I wish you many healing vibes, and many prayers.
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post #40 of 55
9/16/11 at 5:03am
My mum and dad are going through the same thing you are going through now (almost identical stories) As a child ( well adult I am 19 but living at home) I have seen them argueing and falling out over the past 10 years. I just want to say big hugs and i hope things get sorted I know first hand how it is from a childs point of view , the only advice i can offer is be their for your daughters like you are being because your a GOOD mum and don't lie if you dont need to (which you probably dont) ive been lied to because they thought it would "protect" me but it causes more doubt and damage ( I am on a break so didnt get to read anything except your orginal post .)

Like i said big hugss Your a strong kind hearted woman and you will get through this xxxxx
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post #41 of 55
9/16/11 at 11:20am
Uh... yeah, why would they think people who need to apply for legal aid just have a whole lotta cash stashed away??? Sounds like a nightmare to deal with, I am so sorry you're going through it all. I hope you get some answers soon. Be safe...
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post #42 of 55
9/16/11 at 11:26am
!!! Chris - I, too, am so very sorry for all of the hardship and emotional pain you are dealing with due to this nasty EX . It really boils my blood to hear about the financial part for you and how they assume you would have that kind of money, just doesn't make any sense in the least. I really hope you get some resolution soon and can just put this whole thing behind you. Just lots of
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post #43 of 55
9/16/11 at 12:02pm
You are in my thoughts hun,you really are,more vibes for you.xx
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post #44 of 55
9/16/11 at 5:54pm
More for you and the girls. It is horrible that fiancie aid would cost money. You are going through enough stress, then they heap on more.
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post #45 of 55
9/16/11 at 6:13pm
Chris, I am so sorry you are dealing with all of this.

I am here for you if you need to talk.

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post #46 of 55
9/17/11 at 6:00am
I'm sorry to hear this

I don't know what a "locked in" RSP is. But can't you talk to your bank and ask if you can withdraw some of it. I know it will be a tax consequence to you, but you do have money sitting there, and you need to access it so you can get the legal help that you need.

I have savings plans and when I was in need of cash, I was able to pull out money on them. I had to pay taxes on it of course, but I got the money.
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post #47 of 55
9/17/11 at 7:05pm
Chris...I am truly very sorry to hear that you are dealing with this.

I wish you and your girls all the best and hope that the system will work in your favor. I hope that the system will recognize what is best for your girls as that is what truly matters. Last, but not least, I hope that you are provided with the help that should be given to you. The system can be very harsh, just as with healthcare. Those that truly need it can't afford it so they have to decide what is more important. Sometimes I wonder if the system really wants to help those that truly need it, or if they are just offering services just to make themselves look better.

Whether it be a man or woman, as there are women out there that can be just as controlling and abusive as any man, I always hope that the court will see the truth, no matter what, and decide what is best for the child(en). I have a male friend who is going through this and his wife in an incredibly horrible, abusive, selfish, and wretched person who cares nothing for her son or for him. Her son no longers goes to her. She has degraded him for years and he finally had enough.

These situations are always so hard...painful...difficult and unimaginable. It seems like life just throws you another pile of ....to deal with on top of everything else.

I have never been in this situation, but I have had other experiences that have been pretty cruel and hard. Ones I thought I would never overcome. There are still days I wake up and wonder why I even exist or what my purpose is.

But through all that...I have learned that when you need to you can be strong. You can overcome this....you will find yourself, if you truly want to. You have to want to and believe in yourself that things will get better. That there is still good in the world. Sometimes life can be incredibly unfair, but still you must move forward.

Life is very precious. It can be taken from you in an instant. Above all else, the only thing that truly matters in life is that you are happy. Nothing else matters.

I have thought about you often and wondered how you were doing. To this day...I still remember when you told me about your dad and I know how you feel. My one year anniversary is coming up for my dad and it will be 4 for my mom next year.

I never forgot what you did and I thought it was so kind and thoughtful of you to send me a card.

Just take one day at a time...keep your head up...and never, ever, give up. To give up would mean that you have lost hope. As long as you still have hope then there is always a fighting chance.
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post #48 of 55
9/17/11 at 7:21pm
You know I'm here for you. Hoping your situation improves and sending many hugs to you and your daughters! STAY STRONG.
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post #49 of 55
9/19/11 at 2:36am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Natalie_ca View Post
I'm sorry to hear this

I don't know what a "locked in" RSP is. But can't you talk to your bank and ask if you can withdraw some of it. I know it will be a tax consequence to you, but you do have money sitting there, and you need to access it so you can get the legal help that you need.

I have savings plans and when I was in need of cash, I was able to pull out money on them. I had to pay taxes on it of course, but I got the money.
Linda, locked in RRSP's cannot be touched until you are 65. RRSP's are for retirement so in order that people would not be collapsing them to buy a new car or other things instead of saving them for their retirement, they lock them in and you cannot touch them. Not all RRSP's are locked in though.
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post #50 of 55
9/20/11 at 4:58am
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by junior_j View Post
My mum and dad are going through the same thing you are going through now (almost identical stories) As a child ( well adult I am 19 but living at home) I have seen them argueing and falling out over the past 10 years. I just want to say big hugs and i hope things get sorted I know first hand how it is from a childs point of view , the only advice i can offer is be their for your daughters like you are being because your a GOOD mum and don't lie if you dont need to (which you probably dont) ive been lied to because they thought it would "protect" me but it causes more doubt and damage ( I am on a break so didnt get to read anything except your orginal post .)

Like i said big hugss Your a strong kind hearted woman and you will get through this xxxxx
THANK YOU. I appreciate your post very much as my girls are 15 and 11. It is good to hear from someone who knows their standpoints (tho I wouldn't wish the scenerio on anyone, but I hope you know what I mean).

Luckily I haven't had to do any or much lying. With my youngest, it's more a case of "not telling her everything" as she's 11 and does not need to be involved with the legalities and such. I do try to shelter her from as much as I can, as she is the one most affected by everything.... she has a fairly good relationship w her father, and I don't want that to change. As long as she's safe, I want her to be involved as much as possible with her father.

My oldest on the other hand, she knows most of what is going on. She is a little mom I suppose you could say. Very mature for her age, and has gone through a divorce already (with her biological father and his exwife, tho it wasn't as "complicated" as mine is) so she kinda "feels like a pro"

If you have any advice for me, from a childs standpoint, please inbox me and I'll send you my facebook or email addy so we could chat. I really want what is best for my girls and I know that they've been through a lot with our fighting, with having to be uprooted from our home, etc.

Thanks in advance

Quote:
Originally Posted by Duchess15 View Post
I have thought about you often and wondered how you were doing. To this day...I still remember when you told me about your dad and I know how you feel. My one year anniversary is coming up for my dad and it will be 4 for my mom next year.

I never forgot what you did and I thought it was so kind and thoughtful of you to send me a card.

Just take one day at a time...keep your head up...and never, ever, give up. To give up would mean that you have lost hope. As long as you still have hope then there is always a fighting chance.
Thanks Sabrina
Those anniversaries are difficult aren't they. Sept. 11th was the one year of my dad's burial (he died in July) and was quite difficult with everything else on top.

I am glad my small actions have made your life a little brighter, that in itself makes it worth it. You are such a wonderful brave young lady, and surely a role model for many. You deserve to smile

Quote:
Originally Posted by Yosemite View Post
Linda, locked in RRSP's cannot be touched until you are 65. RRSP's are for retirement so in order that people would not be collapsing them to buy a new car or other things instead of saving them for their retirement, they lock them in and you cannot touch them. Not all RRSP's are locked in though.
Thank you for explaining that to Linda as I didn't see her message.

Mine is locked in on a one year term, expires in January. (prior to that, it was not locked in, but by doing so earned me a better interest rate) I've tried explaining that to them, I can have the money in January, but nope. By Sept.30.

I have a meeting set up with the credit union's regional manager to see if I can withdrawal part of it.

Though I need to find out what this will do to me when it comes to tax time.
It's the little things I forget, miss, whatever.








Thank you everyone for the support. I truly appreciate every word, thought and well wish
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post #51 of 55
9/20/11 at 5:45am
Good luck with everything Chris!! like super huge
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post #52 of 55
9/20/11 at 6:34am
I'm so very sorry you're going thru this mess, Chris. I have an idea how hard it is on your daughters; my niece and her husband have been in the middle of a nasty divorce for 3 years now. He has custody of their 3 little boys, and it's so rough on them--not understanding why their Mom up and left them. Their Dad took all 3 of them to therapy for over a year, and I think it helped them tremendously. It's great that your younger daughter is getting some help in dealing with this; I wish you could convince your older girl to give it a try, too. She might be surprised.

I wish there was something I could say or do to make this situation easy for you. Please know that you and your daughters are in my thoughts and prayers. Sending you a big (((cyber-hug))) and lots of for a quick and happy ending to this whole mess.
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post #53 of 55
9/22/11 at 4:33pm
I don't understand... if it's Legal Aid, but they want $1500, where does the Aid come in? Are there any alternative sources of assistance, maybe some private organization you could try? I would think the women's shelter you're working with would know what's out there, but it couldn't hurt to do some research... maybe ask a social worker with the police or at a hospital?

What you're going through has to be terrifying... but you are smart and articulate, and you're going to find your way through it. Sending so many vibes for peace of mind and a positive resolution to everything soon...
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post #54 of 55
9/29/11 at 3:57am
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by CarolPetunia View Post
I don't understand... if it's Legal Aid, but they want $1500, where does the Aid come in? Are there any alternative sources of assistance, maybe some private organization you could try? I would think the women's shelter you're working with would know what's out there, but it couldn't hurt to do some research... maybe ask a social worker with the police or at a hospital?

What you're going through has to be terrifying... but you are smart and articulate, and you're going to find your way through it. Sending so many vibes for peace of mind and a positive resolution to everything soon...
The aid part is that they are paying my legal bills right now. I will eventually have to pay them back as I own a home and have equity in it (have debt in it too, but the legal fees will come out of my half of the home when it sells)..... if it weren't for LA, I would not have a lawyer right now as I don't have that kind of cashflow.

The womans shelter is a private organization, and the main source of help for women in my situation. They offer everything from shelter to a food bank to counseling for both myself and my children, all free of charge.

The only thing we have to help with legal fees is Legal Aid. There is no other service to help low income individuals with legal fees, and private organizations are run on donations/volunteers, they cannot help financially.

I entered back into the world of credit card debt I happened to get some very low interest cheques, so I used one to pay the 1500. I am hoping that I am able to make the monthly payments until the house goes for sale/sells/etc and then I'll pay it off with whatever is left after the legal fees are taken out.

Thanks for the well wishes everyone, I truly appreciate them.

Oh and my youngest LOVES her counselor. The day she saw her, she was soooooooo happy. I haven't seen her that happy in ages
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post #55 of 55
9/29/11 at 7:07am
Chris, I obviously don't know the details, but do you HAVE to sell the house? Can you and the girls not live there until they're out of school, with you receiving child support to help with the bills? I hope I'm not being too nosey, but I have a niece divorcing her husband and that's the way their divorce is going. He has custody of their 3 boys and she's paying child support. (she has a REALLY good job)
I guess what I'm trying to say is this: don't let yourself or your daughters get the short end of the stick.
Sending you a (((BIG HUG)))
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