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I am Very Low, incredibly low and depressed............

post #1 of 24
Thread Starter 
I want to get this off my chest so forgive me if I rant but tonight i am totally furious wound up with my mother... to give you an idea my stepfather is currently 200 miles away in hospital and very poorly indeed. I live about 10 mins from my mother and my brother lives a further 200 miles away.
My step father - Clive could be possibly dying of a condition that is causing him to lose conciousness and has been in hospital for a couple of months now. He was transferred 200 miles away on monday as there is a possibility a doctor may be able to help him.
Anyway, my mother and I have never seen eye to eye since the day my father and her split up. My mother used to hit me a hell of a lot as a child and as I got taller, she then used to hit me about the head. However, she hated me for keeping in touch with my father from day one and used to try and poison my mind against him. I used to sneak off in the middle of the night to phone him from a call box and pray that she would not find out.
Anyway, clive moved in pretty quick and he and I never saw eye to eye and once or twice, he caught me good and I have no pleasure in saying, I caught him back.
When carol and I met, my mother hated her and always has. Paul my brother went to uni 200 miles away and since that day she has been bitter towards me and him and specially at my wife.
Well, every time she has cut me off, the longest time it lasted for 6 months and finally, I was not being hit or beaten on a regular basis and to coin a phrase - I was emotionally free.
Things came to a head some years ago when my mother and carol had words- carol walked out and I took a heap of tablets and got drunk. I was seriously depressed. I came through this and carol gave me the option of leaving home or getting somewhere. Again, I chose her and left home and got a place for us both. Again, free of being hit and the emotional games played with my mind.
My wife and i got married a couple of years later and she sent a very nasty card to us. She, nor any of my familly bar Paul attended the wedding. She was only interested when she learnt that her dream of being a grandmother was coming true and was all over like a rash - just playing mind games with me. In nigh on 4 years since our sons birth, you can count the amount of times that she has made an effort to see him on one hand. She gets i touch one way or the other, I go racing over and for a few minutes everything is fine and then her mouth starts and the emotional and mental messing of my head starts.
She has over the years called me everything under the sun and has hit me black and blue - it was when I got taller than her, she hit me about the head.
As far as Carol is concerned, she has been everything that could be said derogatory about a woman. Everytime, its been forgive and forget - until tonight and I think i cant take any more.
As my brother cannot just drop everything to come down from where he is, I have been in daily contact with my mother. Paul has always been the best of teh familly, he has a phd and is simply the best a mother could ask for, me on the other hand am the black sheep and always will be. So I have been on standbye for the last week or few to take my mother the 380 mile round trip to the hospital and back, I would sleep in the car over night to be ready for work in the morning from where ever I am.
Tonight, she asked me on text when could we go - told her to say when, then she started slagging Paul off and why he cant just drop everything etc etc. I asked if she had any beef with me - said no - thats a first - and continued to be paul, paul, paul....
My wife was seeing I was getting annoyed and upset so she started shouting and my mother ripped her to bits over the phone to me and terminated call.
I called back - my mother has blocked my number and cannot accept calls. I drove straight over and went to see her. The meeting lasted a minute when once again, she ripped everything out of my wife in front of me. I was so incesnsed that i had to tell her she was becoming a bitter lady who wanted tonnes of sympathy for my step father - wanted people to offer help and then enjoyed every bit of turning them down and slagging them off.
She called my wife names that a woman should never be called - all I had gone to tell her that paul could not just come down but she heard none of it. Told me I was jealous as hell of him - his money - maybe- the rest no= I am happily married etc - he has none of it and is a loyal student again.
It turned very nasty and she threatened me with calling the police. I left advising her she would need me long before - well you can guess.
She has asked me to never contact her again - she always contacts me - i have told her that i hope that Clive does not pass away, as if he does she will have lost him, she has now lost her grandson as i wont have chris upset and now she has lost me. I have blocked her calls and removed her no from my mobile.
She has mentally and physically abused me from the day my father left home and pushed me as near to a nervous breakdown in the past as I ever got. I did try to end it twice years agao - once with carol on the scene and once before that and I just cant take anymore. I love her and appreciate she is very upset about Clive but i cannot take another day of mental cruelty.
its affected my life for nealy 34 years, its affected our marriage and I dont want our son getting the same treatment I got. they say you are a product of your making - I already take anti depressants of which I think she has been the cause over the years - I adore my wife, I have never stopped loving Carol or our son, I dont want to be like my mother and am afraid that I am starting to get this way.
I drove away feeling like a weight off my shoulders - as if I can start living again with my familly. I am deeply sorry that my step father may never know the truth about what she has done to me mentally and physically and I pray that he lives a long and happy life.
I know its doubtful that I will now see my mother for a long time but what price is freedom?
I am not looking for sympathy and dont expect any. I know you will all think i have done the worst thing by asking her not to get in touch with me anymore and I ask that you for give me for that.
I just wanted to tell someone before I head over the top and have a further breakdown or start sliding downhill in to a bottomless pit of depression again.
Thanks for listening - I needed to tell someone. i'm going to goto bed where my wife is asleep, wrap my self up with her and stay in my familly environment where I know I will not be abused - if that is the word and free from years of pain.
God bless
post #2 of 24
Hi Kev,

Hopefully, as one of the newbies on the board, I won't be sticking my foot in my mouth.

Just short and sweet...you can't change who your family is, or control how they see you or treat you...but you can create a wonderful family for Carol and your son, they both sound like a wonderful blessing to you, and I imagine Carol and your son feel the same about you. Your brother also sounds like a good man and a good brother to you. In the end, all we can be responsible for is how we treat others, and we *are* allowed to take care of ourselves.

blessings to you in this difficult time,
post #3 of 24
Kev, I totally understand, my husband, has and is continually dealing with his mother. She has completely ruined the family to the point that no one can tolerate being around her, his father and mother live in the same house but sleep in different rooms, the last time together I think was their last son who is now 22 years old. She is very difficult and I continue to try and make excuses for her but it gets difficult towards the end. I guess the thing that keeps my sanity with her is her childhood and upbringing. And religion, my husband swears if it weren't for the fear of God, he would have dumped his mother a long time ago. Growing up, she was very abusive verbally, saying things like why don't you jump off a cliff and die, you're dumb, even now she thinks he's dumb even though he has 2 degrees and a masters. She has never gone above fifth grade education. She was a bit awful towards me when she stayed with us for a horrifying 3 months. She condemned me to hell and back, etc, reminded me of the last parents I lived with. Anyway, all in all, she is difficult, but what kept me together without choking her was her childhood and her upbringing and the culture that she was raised in. And I do believe honestly that she does have a mental problem, she says things and doesn't even realize that she says them, but this is of course, now, I don't think she had any excuses when she was raising my husband and his sister. Anyway, I guess, as difficult as it may seem, when and if your mother does contact you, try to be civil, keep your wordings short and sweet, after all she is your mother who carried you for nine or however long months and took care of you. I say that because I have a son and it is difficult. Consider how she was raised or maybe something in her life made her like this, some tragic incident or something. My mother n law, she lost her first child, a daughter, after delivery, the nurse dropped her daughter, paralyzing her, she died after a few months. In their country, the blame is put on the mothers, the village people say 'oh you must have done something to deserve it' and my father n'law I don't think was much support at all. That is something that can mess anyone up mentally forever. That's why I say, look back at your mum's childhood, or up bringing, something had to trigger the way she is, and as bitter and difficult as it is, still be cordial and nice to her when you do speak. I feel bad for you and your wife because I'm in it and I honestly feel bad for my thoughts.
post #4 of 24

It sounds like you have a long history of taking verbal and physical abuse from your mother. You should not have to! You are a grown man with a beautiful wife and son. Your mother has done nothing but cause you grief and pain your entire life. I think you should set yourself free from her. You deserve so much more!! If she needs a ride to visit your stepfather, she can make other arrangements (public transportation, a friend, etc). You are not obligated to help someone who only hurts you. You should not feel guilty.

You may benefit from additional therapy from a professional. You mention that you take antidepressants. Perhaps you should talk to you doctor about seeing someone to sort out your feelings.

Try not to let this get you down. Maybe it's an opportunity waiting for you (to be done with her once and for all).

Good luck.

post #5 of 24
Oh Kev , my heart is going out to you . I was mentaly abused in my life , so I know how it feels like . I think you did the right think . You need to stay by your fam. site and give the best you can . I know it will hurt for a while , but staying away from your mother will be best for you , your wife and son . The time will easy your pain , but for right now your fam. is more importent then any thing els . And in time you will see that it was the right decision to stay away from your mother . To be the husband to your wife and the father to your son is the best you can do for yourself , it will help you heal your heart . Mat God be with you and his blessings . I will keep you in my prayers
post #6 of 24

Pat is right. We cannot choose our past, we can only choose our future. Carol and your son are your future, and a very bright future at that.

Take care of yourself and of those around you. You are a wonderful man, Kev. Don't ever beleive anything less.
post #7 of 24
God, kev..I wish I could say something more than "I'm sorry", to tell you how I feel. But, no, you are not the worst, most awfulest person in the world for telling her not to contact you. Let me tell you about this relationship from your son's perspective. My mother was in the same relationship with her mom that you are. As I grew older, I understood more of what my grandmother was doing to her, and it hurt me so terribly that I have nothing to do with Grandma to this day. Mom basically terminated the relationship when I was 23 (I'm 34 now), but the damage to my relationship was already too far gone. I know the Bible says that you are not supposed to hate anyone, but that is about the only emotion that I feel for G'ma, so maybe you at least can spare your son the pain and anger of knowing how she hurts you. If you wanna talk, just P.M., I'll be back later !
BTW, I've been married 13 yrs, and hubby has never met her !
post #8 of 24
Kev, it seems to me that over the years you have made a most heroic effort to be a good son and have a decent relationship with your mother, and yet you have taken more than your share of grief and abuse from her. You will not change who she is or how she behaves and you are not responsible for these things. You also are not only entitled to take care of yourself, but have a responsibility to your wonderful wife and son to do so. It's not easy to tell a parent where to get off, but sometimes it has to be done, and I think you are 100% -- no, 200%! -- right to do so. Please be kind to yourself, and don't berate yourself for what is really her problem.
post #9 of 24
Oh Kev, I am so sorry you have to endure your mother's abuse. Hubby was in your shoes, and I was in your wife's. We cut ties with my mother in law after her hatefulness and manipulation - she did things to me that I will not repeat here, but if you would like to know, just PM me. Jake said to her "I have my wife and son and that is all I need". Maybe that is what you need to tell her. Oh, my mother in law has borderline personality disorder - the extreme kind. It was best for us to stay away from her because she is continuing to hurt her children. She has been threatening my 19 year old sister in law for seeing her father, who now suffers from anxiety (the sister in law that is).

I don't want to offend you, but I think you need a break from your mother, or else she is going to keep manipulating you.

Hugs - I wish I could be there for you and your wife.
post #10 of 24
You did the right thing! A person can only turn the other cheek so many times!!! No looking back now as the future is so bright and just waiting for you and your family!

You need to consentrate on your family, and yourself. Get a massage, take a trip, go to a movie or comedy club! Look for things to do with your family that is fun so your child will have good memories to look back on. Hire a sitter and take the wife out and let her know how special she is...keep the spark alive in the marraige! If you are both happy so will your son be as well.
post #11 of 24
*Putting on psychologist hat*

Kev, one of my favorite lines from a song is "where you're from isn't who you are." I like it because it tells us that even if we came from an awful and abusive family, we can grow beyond that to become whole, healthy, and happy people!

I, for one, believe that just because a person is family does not give them the right to be abusive. Therefore, sometimes we have to simply cut all ties to remove ourselves from these abusive situations. There is nothing at all wrong with that. Your mental health and the health of your new family is much more important than keeping in touch with a woman who abused you throughout life.

Yes...it would be wonderful if at some point in the future she is able to get herself together enough to heal the parent-child relationship. But, until she is ready to work on the relationship, you should stay away (IMO).

I sincerely hope that she does one day learn how to be civil and kind. Until then, turn to the people who are good to you and put your energy into these relationships.
post #12 of 24

I'm not sure about what to say to you to make you feel better. I've been verbally abused too even up till now but sometimes, certain things do not stop. But I can only tell you to take care of yourself and your family.
post #13 of 24
kev, i really dont know what to say, im sorry you are having to deal with all this, it seems so unfair, try and keep your chin up and enjoy your life now, dont let the past reuion that. hope things get better for you, i really do
post #14 of 24
Kev, I can't say more than what's already been said. Please know that you have friends here and we are here for you. Wishing you happiness with your wife and child, you certainly deserve it.
post #15 of 24
Kev (((((BIG HUGS))))
post #16 of 24
I really hate to hear that someone as warm and funny as you have these kind of problems. We experienced a similar problem with my s/o's mother. She abandoned him as a child, then when he grew up, wanted to run his life. We got along for awhile until she discovered I would not plot aganist him so she could get her way. After a couple of terrible incidents, we decided we no longer wanted anything more to do with her, and just cut her out of our lives. It has been a wonderful 10 years. Your son is bettr off with no grandmother than one that acts like that. We also had to cut my sister out after the deaths of my parents. There is no good in letting toxic people in your lives, they take up the room that good, loving people could occupy. I wish you the best in this situation.
post #17 of 24
Kev having gone thru such abuse 1st from my mother & then right to an even more abusive relationship I know how hard it is. It took a very special person to show me that I didn't deserve to be treated in such a way & to give me the strength to put both of them out of my life & to try to get control. It took time & alot of patients on my eventual boyfriend & then husbands part but I did recover. It's funny people who haven't seen me in a long time don't even regonize me. Your wife sounds just like the type of person my husband is, hold onto the strength she gives you, with it you will recover.
post #18 of 24

I will tell you what I tell a dear friend who unfortunately has the same family woes as you do.

You were unfortunately born to a very disturbed woman. She will not change. I know you keep hopeing every time you see her that she will be the warm and loving woman you deserved to rear you. But she is not and she probably never will be.

You cannot give her the control over you like you have done in the past. Meaning - she knows how to push your buttons and you allow her to do so. If you have contact with her in the future, you need to lay down some laws and conditions of a relationship with her. I know it sound harsh and she may push you away, but are you really better with her in your life? Her behavior is unacceptable! Her behavior to your wife is unacceptable!

I suggest that you concentrate on the family God has given you. You sound like you have a beautiful and loving wife and a wonderful son. These are things to revel in. Put your past behind you and concentrate on what is good in your life. It sounds like you have a lot going for you. A great sense of humor, hobbies you really enjoy and most of all the family that you made for yourself. Can you ever imagine yourself treating your son the way your mother treated you?
Of course not! Your not that kind of person!

Depression and stress are terrible things and they do terrible things to your health and state of mind. You have a son to raise and you need to show him an example and be the most loving and supportive Dad you could ever imagine. Be the parent to him that your mother never was to you.

post #19 of 24
Putting on my psychology cap:

I've seen behavior similar to what you are describing about you mom to occur with alcoholics. Does she drink, and if so, have you ever considered going to al-anon for your own personal support?

Long term behavior like you describe feeds off itself. If you can handle self-help books, there is a book called "Dances with Anger" which describes how to break the negative cycles within long-term dysfunctional relationships. You can't change other people's behavior, but you can learn how to respond better to their behavior without further harming yourself.

It sounds like you love your mother deeply, regardless of what she does. Find a way to help yourself through all this - through counseling, reading, or whatever it takes. Escaping entirely into your new family is a good thing, but I suspect that you will feel guilty if you walk away from your mother. That means you must find a way to deal with her without killing yourself.

My heart goes out to you!
post #20 of 24
Thread Starter 
Just wanted to say a brief note of thanks for your support. I have thrown it round in my head if I have done the right thing or not last night and believe that I have.
My wife has always said that i am going to run the risk of turning into my mother - just without the physical abuse I got. I am terrified of this and often wonder if the mental state that i have is due to her and I believe that it is.
I do feel very guilty - but I agree with you when you have said that I want to be the ultimate role model for my son and make him as proud of me as I am of him.
There are two people in my life that I am in love with, my wife is one and our son is the second 9can you be in love with a child to that extent? In a none strange way).
I know that I have tried to be the rock of the familly for the last 22 years since my mum and dad split up, I had to do all the jobs that my father was not there to do, drains etc etc - painting - you name it - I done it. However, I have paid for it dearly and in a sense of it I want to be mentally free - i am just unsure how.
I will feel guilty this weekend as my mother will have to find a way of going to the hospital by herself and I know that she will tell my step father I am the most evil person that ever lived. I am not evil - heck I stopped on the way to work to put a dead hedgehog in the hedge instead of the road. I have sweat and shed blood to help people and if I was in your area - and you needed help - you would get it and I will not stop ever. Just my mother cannot see that. Can you be messed up that bad by your parents and ever get over a very bitter divorce that they went through that my mother made worse.
I have to work tomorrow morning, in the afternoon, I may go out and listen to a cd very loud in the car - possibly some meat loaf or heavy metal and clear my head.
I decided though to do something positive tonight - I jumped on the scales and the damned things shouted one at a time. I am gonna lose some weight, may be a little Tae Bo and go and take my two loves out on sunday - who cares where as long as I have them and my friends of which I am privellaged to have so many of you - and try and start my life again.
i have read every message and am still doing. I think that with the support of carol and chris as well as the support from you - I will make it.
Sorry to have been a gripe last night, a lot of what I wrote I have never told anyone bar my wife and I thank you for listening.

post #21 of 24
Kev, I think you are amazing. You are NOT evil at all!!!

I think it is a wonderful idea to take your two loves out on Sunday - how about a picnic in a park? I think that is a romantic and sweet idea.
post #22 of 24
Kev... I read this yesterday and took some time to ponder on how to reply.

You see... I have lived through something that I am not sure I have shared with anyone yet but reading your words and feeling the guilt I sense you feel, I felt it necessary to share this.

The only difference here, mind you, is that the people involved are not my biological parents.

I was physically/mentally abused from the age of 4 onward.... My mom had remarried and my step-father hated me. My father remarried shortly after that and my step-mother hated me. I won't go into all the details of what occured throughout the years but I can assure you that alot of it still makes me sick to my stomach.

The reason I am telling you this is that from the age of 4 until approx. 19, I was not me. 2 people had control of my every thought and haunted me.

And yet... throughout all of this, I still, somehow managed to believe it had to be something I did or deserved. In my mind, if I could only be the little girl they seemed to want me to be then maybe they would love me. Not... It didn't matter what I did or didn't do. From being hit to being called every name in the book, I received it all.

When I was 19, my father passed away. It took me one more year of abuse before I made the clean break. My stepmother was still trying to make me believe that I was an awful person. She had long stopped hitting me but had turned to the mental abuse full force.

One day, I received a call. It was her. I suddenly became a new person. I felt strong, I felt good and I KNEW she had no right to have such a hold over me. I played like everything was fine. Hung up the phone, asked for a transfer from work and began a new life far from her. To this day, she has no idea where I am. She has contacted my sister once (who has been forwarned to not let her know where I am) and has asked I call her.

The greatest satisfaction I have ever had in life was to tear up her phone number without so much as a glance at the piece of paper. Yes...I could have called and told her how I felt but I think the best punishment in her case is to spend the rest of her life wondering what happened.

I can honestly say that I have no regrets about cutting her out of my life. No interest in ever seeing her again.

Sometimes making a break from something that is unhealthy is the best thing to do.

I can see how this may be different for you as this is your mother. But honestly.... I think you will find that after a while, your life will become peaceful and serene. You have a wife and a child. They deserve to be around the person that is hidden inside you. I say it's time for you to live for yourself, learn to love yourself and take care of yourself. And in doing so...your family will benefit.

If you ever need to talk, please know I understand.

Don't ever feel guilty for something you have no control of. Guilt should only be spent on things that you do intentionally. I learned this the hard way...

My thoughts will be with you...
post #23 of 24
Oh Kev, don't you think we already know that you are a good person. It shines through in your posts. I'm sure your step-father knows you too and don't forget, he lives with your mother. I'm sure she's just not difficult around you. I'm sure he knows his wife. Such a difficult and unhappy person cannot hide this bitterness from someone they live with.

P.S. You should be in love with your child and visa-versa. There is nothing sick out that. I love my father with all my heart. Have a great Sunday with Carol and Chris!

post #24 of 24
Thread Starter 
[quote]Originally posted by Nora
[b]Oh Kev, don't you think we already know that you are a good person. It shines through in your posts.

I try to show that I am good, then when you do something right and your mother smacks you down verbally and mentally and you are told you are bad at everything - you tend to believe it after nigh on 34 years. Its never been the 99% I did right - its the 1% I did wrong that she gets me for!! Its why I go on the defensive all the time. I could have done the best thing possible and know it, however, as soon as someone says "kevin, can I see you for a minute" I ask what have I done wrong.. I guess I am a no hoper and there should be an event at the olympics for worriers - i would get gold every time.

I'm sure your step-father knows you too and don't forget, he lives with your mother. I'm sure she's just not difficult around you. I'm sure he knows his wife. Such a difficult and unhappy person cannot hide this bitterness from someone they live with.

You will never know how right you are on that point Nora - oh so very right! I cannot understand how he has stuck it - however, I guess its like water off a ducks back for him.

TTFN for the night
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