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how to deal

post #1 of 14
Thread Starter 
I saw the movie how to deal yesterday..the one by mandy moore. talked abt how halley dealt with her parents divorce and her best buddy losing her boyfriend and how she refused to believe in love. the show ended with her finding love and the normal happy ending..

u know guys, i'm not sure. maybe it's just that i'm trying to get over a breakup here. i'm starting not to believe in love anymore. i've got this phobia in me which i'm afraid to go out to town and i might just bump into my ex bf and his current gf. I think i'm fine with not seeing him and not hearing from him at all but i do know that if i see them on the streets and lovely dovey thingy, i'll get all choked up again and i might just go back to square one again... i'm starting to wonder if i'll ever find somebody else again.. my society here is somewhat not like the states.. ppl here see big sized ppl as unwanted and not a norm in the society. a lot of guys would go for girls who are pretty and slim. i keep wondering to myself what am i really good at... i am really not sure...

guys, do u ppl have any ways of getting over a breakup fast? this is getting tough.... i think i'm getting neurotic....
post #2 of 14
I'm sorry you're having to deal with so much right now.

I think the only cure for a breakup is time. I know that's not the answer you wanted.

Something that gets me through hard times (when I feel I'm getting down on myself) is volunteering. Is there some cause that really makes you want to help? When I feel down on myself, I go to the local animal shelter and play with the cats...that sure makes your worries go away, at least for a few hours.

I guess what I'm trying to say, is take up something new. Something you can heathily throw yourself into for a while.

Take care.
post #3 of 14
((((Kate)))) I sure wish I could give you some quick fix to help you over this hump. But, alas, I can not. I think you already got the best piece of advice ... GIVE IT TIME.

You know, my husband died 2 years ago. In a way, your breakup is like the death of my husband. By that I mean, it's the end of a relationship. You are grieving for your loss, the same way I grieved for mine. The only difference, likely, is the difference in the grief intensity. With that said, grief has a process to be worked through before you see the light at the end of the tunnel. Until you see the light, there are many things you can do for yourself. Use this period in your life to do a lot of soul-searching. It's a perfect opportunity to develop some wisdoms and personal advancement. Explore some new hobbies, read some books on personal power, etc. Develope your mind and your body, and you'll see your future shaping into something that you can handle on your own if need be. While you occupy your mind and body, your heart and soul heal from your loss. And you come out better for it in the end.
post #4 of 14
All I can suggest is spend time with friends and try to do activities you enjoy. The worst thing is to be by yourself doing nothing. Good luck.
post #5 of 14
Thread Starter 
i know i need time...a lot of them especially when a lot of things happened during our relationship.. i'm starting to worry if there is anybody better for me out there...i do not think so anymore...
post #6 of 14
Originally posted by kateang
i know i need time...a lot of them especially when a lot of things happened during our relationship.. i'm starting to worry if there is anybody better for me out there...i do not think so anymore...
I too felt that way after the breakup of an 18 year marriage. I didn't trust anyone and thought that all men were the scum of the earth. Then I was introduced to Ken. We dated for over 5 years before tying the knot. It did take a long time for both of us to build the trust, since we both had been hurt so severly before.

Believe me when you meet Mr. Right you will know it. Take things slow and easy right now don't worry about finding someone else. They will find you.
post #7 of 14
Hi Kate,

I know you don't know me, as I'm quite new here, but I wanted to comment. I don't know if there is anything but time and focusing on what *you* want to do with your life that means something to you and makes you happy - besides a relationship.

I just want you to know that there are people out there, like me, who got so disgusted (and scared and hurt) that I quit dating for almost 10 years! I just didn't bother for almost all of my 30's, and I had a hard time swallowing what folks who loved me would tell me (like my gram), that I had to be happy with myself regardless of what I didn't have, that being bitter could lead me to not find what I wanted. I haven't been a normal weight for me since I was 30, but when I was ready to try dating again, dang if just the perfect man for me, with common interests, didn't pop up in an area where I was busy doing something important to me. And we would *never* have met if during those 9 years I hadn't pursued who I wanted to be, and activities that were important to me.

I know that the last thing you may be feeling right now is good about yourself, but please consider...when someone you think is just the one, can't see it, doesn't stay, then it is their mistake, and most definitely their loss. You might be alone at the moment, but they don't have YOU, or the potential future you would have built with them. Now, did you really want someone that dense?

Whatever size you are, there is no one like you in the world (I know this sounds trite, but it IS true)...value who you are, and there will be a man who sees that value, and sees the loveliness of you.
post #8 of 14
Wow, Kate! There is so much I want to say to you, I know so exactly how you feel. Especially about not wanting to go out in case you will meet your ex and his new.
Right now I really have to go to bed though, it´s 1.38 AM and my son wakes up very early and then I have to be at the whale watching ship at 8.30.
Hang in there, the best cure for most of this is time, so every moment you are closer to feeling better!
post #9 of 14
Thread Starter 
Thanks Polly, I really wanted ppl to understand my situation at the moment..my frens dun really see it as a problem but I think it's a huge obstacle to me. A lot of things I no longer will do because it makes me think of him and it makes me cry. I don't shop alone in town anymore, I don't go to movies anymore. I feel like a little kitten stuck in some small little hole and not willing to come out. I need to get pass this but I'm not sure how to go about doing it.
post #10 of 14
Sit down and write down all your postive Traits, now write what you would like to improve, now write how you can acheive that goal. Keep in mind your intelligence, sense of humor, love of people and animals, and your kind heart.

Look around and see if there is a class that interests you...art, vet tech, computeres, hospital volenteer so many ways to learn and grow as a person. Find something that fits you and helps others and you will find something that will chase away the blues and give you something to be proud of.
post #11 of 14
I don't believe in love anymore. I think a lot of people go through this, something or a compilation of things happen and then you get jaded.. But the good news is (I hear) there is a recovery. Right now you don't need to worry about love.. Now is a time to take a break and evaluate your life--where you are and where you want to be. When the time comes to be in a relationship again, the wisdom and experience you've gained will help you to better handle it.

As far as the recovery process--your guess is as good as mine. The last time I broke up with a serious bf I made a complete mess of my life. I turned into party central, thinking if I was out drinking and dancing and getting into dangerous situations I would get over him faster. Well I didn't. I was very self destructive and although now I'm a lot better now, the consequences of my actions at that time will last me forever. So I guess it's about trying to find a middle ground between hermit and party animal.

I actually moved back home and avoided going anywhere near the 50 mile vicinity of my ex just so I wouldn't ever have to see him. But that worked for me because I was going to school there anyhow, and my parents house was a lot closer than his apartment. The first time I ran into him was so surreal, we were at a concert and I was buzzed, and I saw him but he didn't see me.. I must have started toward him and chickened out atleast 13 times before I finally decided just to walk away. That was the last time I saw him.. I can't imagine having to feel that weirdness on a regular basis, so I feel your pain for living in the same town..

I know this is a crappy answer and I'm just repeating everyone else, but time is definately the thing that will help the most. Also a reality check. Everytime I felt sad about my ex I just thought "you know, he doesn't want to be with me. Why on earth would I want to be with someone who doesn't want me." It's a painful thought but also a healing thought. Somewhere out there is someone who would worship you and never hurt you.. your ex did you a favor by letting you free to find this person.

And don't ever feel you aren't worthy because of how you look physically. I'm sure you're beautiful, but if you feel insecure just focus on what you have got going for you. And don't say you have nothing going for you because I know you do. I know at least that you are a very nice person, and that's worth more than a model's body. I always see women putting up with a lot of crap because they think they aren't good enough. Well I'll tell you something, the fact that God put you on this earth means that you are just as good as anyone else. You just need to realize this and believe. YES you do deserve a good life, a loving man, and everything you ever want. You deserve it because you're you and you're a strong woman. Don't let a man steal your power.. You can make your life the best life possible, you and only you.

If you ever need to talk I'm here.
post #12 of 14
I agree with Anna! You are a great and deserving person so why would you want to feel down about being set free? Now you can find the one you were meant to be with and have the time to become the person he was meant to meet. Learn about yourself and grow! You are young and are changing daily! You are blossoming and becoming the whole you. Every experience you have will shape the inner "you" and so decide what you want and go for it!
post #13 of 14
Kate I know exactly how you are feeling, I recently got out of a long relationship and I'm still having a hard time dealing with it. I stopped going to all of my favorite places because I know that I will see my ex there. I occasionally meet really nice people that are interested in me, but I'm feel like it's not even worth trying because it's just going to end up badly. I know I will eventually get over it I just hope it's sometime soon. Yesterday two of my best friends took me on an overnight vacation to Phoenix. For the first time in a long time I had fun. I didn't worry about running into my ex, or an accuantaince that would ask if we were still to together. I just had fun. Now I feel the way I did before, but at least for awhile I was able to go out and just enjoy myself.
post #14 of 14
Thread Starter 
hey tybalt, i know what you mean..when he left me with a whole load of rubbish to handle and he left with somebody else, i signed up with the gym and began going there almost everyday. I do feel myself changing but there are certain things that needs to be address and obstacles that needs to be crossed...
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