awkward letter - blast from the past!

swampwitch · Aug 11, 2011

I received a letter from a woman that I haven't spoken to or seen since we graduated from high school. We went to school together from first grade through high school. We were friends all that time and we both were very active in school and worked together on the student council, band council, yearbook staff, band newsletters, etc.

The letter was a very heart-felt written apology for all the terrible things she did to me decades ago during our school years, and for all the hurtful things she said about me and gossip she spread. She says in the letter that she saw her children struggling with kids who were mean to them and she saw how unfair that was, and she said what she did to me was not right and she regrets it. She said she was abused at home and took it out on me at school.

Problem is… I didn't know she did those horrible things! I really thought she was a decent friend!

The only explanation I can come up with is that my good friends didn't spread the gossip or tell me about it. She was never directly mean to me so I guess I didn't clue in.

In the letter she says she doesn't want to get into detail and "reopen old wounds" but NOW I feel bad about her because of the letter. I guess she feels better after writing it, but I feel pretty confused.

kluchetta · Aug 11, 2011

Originally Posted by SwampWitch

I received a letter from a woman that I haven't spoken to or seen since we graduated from high school. We went to school together from first grade through high school. We were friends all that time and we both were very active in school and worked together on the student council, band council, yearbook staff, band newsletters, etc.

The letter was a very heart-felt written apology for all the terrible things she did to me decades ago during our school years, and for all the hurtful things she said about me and gossip she spread. She says in the letter that she saw her children struggling with kids who were mean to them and she saw how unfair that was, and she said what she did to me was not right and she regrets it. She said she was abused at home and took it out on me at school.

Problem isâ€¦ I didn't know she did those horrible things! I really thought she was a decent friend!

The only explanation I can come up with is that my good friends didn't spread the gossip or tell me about it. She was never directly mean to me so I guess I didn't clue in.

In the letter she says she doesn't want to get into detail and "reopen old wounds" but NOW I feel bad about her because of the letter. I guess she feels better after writing it, but I feel pretty confused.

Well, I suppose it is entirely possible that everyone knew she was lying and took everything she said with a grain of salt. So in that case I guess even though she tried to hurt you she didn't?

That would be a REALLY weird letter to get, though!

natalie_ca · Aug 11, 2011

Maybe she has you confused with someone else?

If you didn't notice anything amiss during your friendship with her, write her a letter and let her know that she doesn't have anything to apologize for and that you thought she was a great friend.

So far as her feeling badly for having bullied someone, I call that karma! I just wish more bullies would grow up and realize how badly their actions affected others and take steps to atone for their actions.

melorix · Aug 11, 2011

As someone who was bullied throughout middle and half of high school, I can empathize. Really wish bullies would grow up and see how hurtful they really can be.

Getting off my soapbox...what a strange letter that would be to receive if you have no knowledge of her ever bullying you. Her intention is really nice, though. It's unfortunate she had to realize the effects of bullying through seeing her own children picked on, but better late than never. Or better than her own children being the bullies.

resqchick · Aug 11, 2011

Originally Posted by Melorix

As someone who was bullied throughout middle and half of high school, I can empathize. Really wish bullies would grow up and see how hurtful they really can be.

Getting off my soapbox...what a strange letter that would be to receive if you have no knowledge of her ever bullying you. Her intention is really nice, though. It's unfortunate she had to realize the effects of bullying through seeing her own children picked on, but better late than never. Or better than her own children being the bullies.

I was bullied in primary school and middle school. Not badly, just poked fun of and ignored and treated like I had some kind of communicable disease.

My oldest son has been bullied BADLY-physically and mentally. My daughter as well, not physically, but she's a stronger person. My son's experience got me to a point where I will not tolerate a millisecond of bs from mean children. I was never a mean kid, in fact I was overly kind and sensitive. I don't feel bad for bullies, I hope they get theirs. I know I'm a grownup and should be able to rise above all the garbage, but until your son comes home and has himself so upset his hands clench like they are palsied, and he cries like he is in horrible pain from WORDS, then his nose gets broken from a punch in the face...you cannot imagine the anger I feel toward these children and their parents, who will not do a thing about it.

You were lucky to not know what she had said about you, it is odd that she is writing to you now and confessing all of these things, but maybe she feels the need to make it right since she sees what these things do to her own child.

Draco · Aug 11, 2011

I'd write her back and say you didn't notice her rudeness and thought she was a good friend. She might be at a stage in her life where she's trying to right things she's done wrong and a boost will help

I was bullied by one girl in high school.. 4 years. She used to hit the table we shared while I was trying to write.. she stuck gum in my hair, she spread rumors (thankfully it was a HUGE school and no one cared! lol). She called me names and such.. I think that I ignored her every time only angered her more and more.

She even had one of her followers pretend to be friends with me so she can get information from me. Unfortunately, I fell for that one, but nothing personal was given.

Now I look for her on FB, wondering what she's up to now, lol. curious!

ldg · Aug 11, 2011

I must say, that's weird. One of my pet peeves has always been hypocrisy, so I didn't participate in petty grade school/high school things like that, but plenty of people did. Actually, isn't it fairly common for people at that age to act like they're friends and talk or gossip behind someone's back? Can't imagine what she did or said to feel so guilty about it these many years later.

But her apology comes at your expense. Great that she feels better about it and all - but what is she expecting from you? It'd be one thing if you'd KNOWN about it at the time, and her feeling remorse these many years later would help you reconcile what happened then. She may not want to get into the details... but now you're left wondering about what she did and just how bad a friend was she! Obviously other people and your other friends didn't buy into her stories/gossip or it most likely would have gotten back to you, so I'm thinking no harm done in that respect.

I don't know if I'd bother responding. So odd for people to want to clear their conscience at someone else's expense.

jcat · Aug 11, 2011

I wonder if she's in an alcohol/drug treatment program? AFAIK, some require that the person enrolled in the recovery program apologize to all the people they've hurt. Maybe this woman is going overboard and/or has confused you with somebody else?

Winchester · Aug 11, 2011

Originally Posted by jcat

I wonder if she's in an alcohol/drug treatment program? AFAIK, some require that the person enrolled in the recovery program apologize to all the people they've hurt. Maybe this woman is going overboard and/or has confused you with somebody else?

I was wondering that, too, as somebody wrote a similar letter to my DH several years ago. He didn't know what to do about it, so he let it go. He found out that the guy was a recovering alcoholic and the letter was part of the 12-step rogram.

momto3boys · Aug 11, 2011

I honestly would write her back and let her know that you didn't even realize what was going on....thank her for being honest now as I'm sure it was hard for her to do.

I CAN'T stand bullies but it sounds like by her kids getting bullied it was an eye opener to her and she onviously felt very guilty.

Ya never know, maybe you guys can become friend again after all this time.

ldg · Aug 11, 2011

Originally Posted by Momto3boys

I honestly would write her back and let her know that you didn't even realize what was going on....thank her for being honest now as I'm sure it was hard for her to do.

I CAN'T stand bullies but it sounds like by her kids getting bullied it was an eye opener to her and she onviously felt very guilty.

Ya never know, maybe you guys can become friend again after all this time.

Sounds like if she seemed like a good friend then, she'd actually be a really good friend now!

mrblanche · Aug 11, 2011

I got a sort of similar e-mail last year. One of those deals where a person found me on Facebook. She was effusive in her praise for me, said I was the nicest person she'd ever known, praised how I (a BMOC, as she saw it) treated her (a nobody, she claimed) so well, etc. I remembered her. In fact, since I worked for the yearbook (editor my senior year) and the student directory, I knew everybody on campus. Not that hard in a college with only 600 students. I honestly don't remember doing anything that praiseworthy, although I have always tried to be nice to everybody. One of my failings, I guess.

Keep in mind, this was over 35 years ago!

swampwitch · Aug 11, 2011

Yup, she definitely knew who I was, there weren't that many of us from Smalltown, Texas. She went through some trouble finding my address, too, and the letter is handwritten with stamp and all.

I don't remember ever feeling bullied in school, but school was a refuge from my trainwreck mother and abusive home life. In school, I usually got rewarded in some way for doing what I was supposed to be doing, at home I was punished whenever my mother was angry no matter what I did.

Author of the letter was not a good friend, she was not liked that much she was pretty gossipy, but all of us kids there were all thrown together for so many years and made the best of it. (I thought.) She and I never fought that I remember, we had some laughs. I thought we were all pretty much friends.

I don't really feel like responding, I think I'll treat it as a problem of hers that she needed to resolve.

ldg · Aug 11, 2011

Well apparently she was more gossipy than you knew.

Very well could be she's going through a 12-step program and this is one of her steps.

Either way - I agree. This is her issue.

my4llma · Aug 11, 2011

That's weird since you don't remember being bullied by her.

rockcat · Aug 12, 2011

Originally Posted by SwampWitch

I think I'll treat it as a problem of hers that she needed to resolve.

I think that is wise.

aimerlee · Aug 12, 2011

Man, I wish the people who were mean to me at school would feel guilty... lol! I was tortured through grade school, everything from name calling to getting my hair lit on fire on the bus. Oh well, I'm still young so maybe there's time

luvmyparker · Aug 12, 2011

The guy who bullied me ended up drowning in a boating accident the year after all that happened. Too bad he didn't live long enough to write an apology letter. Although, I get the feeling he never would have. Especially since my brother threatened to break his legs if he ever even looked at me again.

If writing that made your "friend" feel better, then power to her, I guess.

mrblanche · Aug 12, 2011

There IS a lot of karma, as you grow older. It's amazing to find out how things come out.

One of the real thorns in my flesh in high school became a useless drunk. Don't know if he's still alive, even. The ultimate karma was when he got fired from a job I wanted, and I got the job.

The first guys best buddy had some rough times but has since straightened out, but he's aware of what a problem he was and never shows up for high school reunions, etc., unless he gets a specific invitation from the organizers.

And the guy that made my brother's life a living hell got hit and killed by a train (in his car) just down the hill from where my mother was living a couple years after he dropped out of high school.

Sometimes, the best revenge is just continuing on long enough to see the natural order of things come around.

my4llma · Aug 12, 2011

Originally Posted by AimerLee

getting my hair lit on fire on the bus.

OMG I hope you told someone. I hope they got into trouble for that.

awkward letter - blast from the past!

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