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Would you say something?

post #1 of 12
Thread Starter 
Mike's daughter is grown, married with 8 kids. He recently found out via an email from her that she was going to be in Washington (3 hrs from us) with her family for two weeks. No suggestion from her to stop by and say hello, just that they were going to spend some time with the other grandma and see some National Parks.

Mike was really hurt, but accepted it because that is his way (very non-confrontational) But this morning she sent him another email with pictures of her vaction with the kids and glowing accounts of what they did. Now his feelings are hurt big-time because to him she is rubbing his face in it.

He has not seen her in 3 years, the last time she was here with the whole family, one of the grandkids tried to drown one of my new kittens in the horse trough! (They thought it was funny that "Jordie was giving kitty a bath!" The oldest one kept trying to spin my one cat on the tile floor, and they were pestering me to ride my unbroken horse. So do I say something tactfully to her about how she has hurt her father's feelings, or just thank my lucky stars they did not come out this way after all and say nothing at all?
post #2 of 12
Now that's a dilemna! I take it that this is your step-daughter, and assume that your relationship is not that close to her, as she hasn't visited in 3 years.

I think it's up to Mike to talk to his daughter - she is a adult, and it is his feelings that are hurt. You are only stuck with the consequence of his hurt feelings. If she gave you/Mike warning that she was going to be close, and you/Mike didn't invite her over, perhaps she was equally hurt that you didn't invite her. Sounds like after a 3 year absense, there are some bad feelings that can only be mended between the 2 of them. I would encourage Mike to open up with his daughter and clear the air between them.

If I'm reading this wrong, so sorry - not enough information and I may be leaping to false conclusions.....
post #3 of 12
Thread Starter 
No she knows she is welcome here anytime. The only time Mike's kids have anything to do with him is when they want something. His daughter and I started off bad 16 years ago, but we have found our way with each other and have a good relationship.
post #4 of 12
My mom remarried 15 years after dad died, so I had a step-dad for a few years before she passed. I never felt welcome unless mom specifically invited us - I knew in my heart that her house was always open to us, but always felt somewhat intrusive because of her new husband. I think as an adult, I understood that we had to give mom and her husband some space - that we could intrude on mom but not necessarily on the husband.

My situation was different, as it was only a few years, but perhaps there is some remnant of that feeling left in Mike's daughter? If you are close to her now, I would talk to her. Make sure she truely understands that she is welcome anytime (and not just lip service), and try to find what the problem is between she and Mike. You said she only comes by when she wants something - that sounds like some hidden resentment on someone's part, whether right, wrong or indifferent - you have strong feelings here!

As my mom used to say: "I'm old now - I can say whatever I want whenever I want to say it. I've earned that right!" Well, I'm younger, but I take her advise to heart.
post #5 of 12
Originally posted by hissy
The only time Mike's kids have anything to do with him is when they want something. His daughter and I started off bad 16 years ago, but we have found our way with each other and have a good relationship.
That's a tough one, Hissy.
If you are on good terms with your daughter-in-law, then have a heart to heart with her (by phone).
Let her know that her father's feelings were hurt. . . . and that she is welcome to visit anytime they are in the area.

You may have to bite your tongue if her kids are as destructive & careless as you describe! Kind of remind me of my sister's 3 boys. . . . totally out of control! Don't blame the kids. . . . the parents are the ones who need to get a grip on the situation.

My children have not gotten along with their step-mother from day one. She's Cruella De'Ville. They rarely see their dad (at home anyway). That have to visit him at work when they want to see him (including holidays!).

Blended families are a challenge. I think it's par for the course. That's why I'm still single after all these years. I don't want to put my kids through any more trauma.

P.S. How's your horse? It was your horse that had the rash, correct?

post #6 of 12
omg I would have dunked that kids head in the water. Sorry but I get sooooo mad about stuff like that. Kids or not, if they are raised properly they should know better.

I think its kind of mean for her to rub it in your husbands face about the vacation. I dont really know what to say except I would be mad too and I am a very blunt person so I would say something, probly to her.
post #7 of 12
If you have a good relationship with her, I would email her and tell her what Mike is going through and how much it is also hurting you. Maybe she doesn't realize what she is doing (some people are very thick and don't get it).

As long as Mike wouldn't be terribly upset with you I would do it in a heartbeat. It may even open up a better line of communication between Mike and her. Sometimes it takes someone on the 'outside' to get the ball rolling by making family members communicate more openly. As long as she doesn't see you as the 'meddling' stepmom, I think this would be a positive action.

Your the best judge of how your actions will effect both parties. And if she does come to visit, I would probably meet them at a local restaurant for the animals safety.

post #8 of 12
I'm sorry he's been hurt by this.

But, on the other hand, your poor cats are probably better off if they stay away! You'd probably have to spend the whole time protecting your animals & home from the kids!
post #9 of 12
I think you could say something like - "I'm glad you had a great time on your vacation, but next time you are in the area, your dad and I would really like to see you and your family."

I think she will get the hint that there was disappointment there, but you aren't accusing her of anything.


You can thank you lucky stars that you didn't have to put up with those bratty children who have no idea how to treat animals.
post #10 of 12
Hissy , I would talk to Mike and ask that he may need to A: send her a e amil and telling her if she has time to visit that she would be more then welcome to trop by . or B : to call her and ask her if she would have time to come by for a vist .But I don't think you need to say something to her unless you feel you have to . If she will come by , you may make sure all animals are safe from her kids .
post #11 of 12
I would suggest that you invite them to meet you halfway someplace. This way the animals are safe and you get to visit!

Make sure to take lots of photos so you have good memmories too!
post #12 of 12
I agree with Teresa- maybe meet halfway so the pets are out of harm but you can still catch up with family, Or in an email you could just call in anytime or somthing nice, I felt hurt for Mike & You when you said they only come to us when they want something, that's the sad thing that happens with my dad and grandma!

Keep us updated.
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