I had to have my 19 year old *daughter* Sammy put to sleep this morning. Her body was slowly giving out and I could tell she has been struggling to feel well for several months. But feeding time always made her very happy, so I tried to hold out and let her tell me when the right time would come. As long as she showed that passion for her food I did not have the heart to end her life.
I fed Sammy two pouches of food this morning then held her in my lap for a little bit. I wish I had held onto her a little more tightly and showed her a little more love but she was so peaceful just laying there dozing off with her sleepy head resting on my arm. I was already in a state of shock that the time had come.
I have known for a good while now that this day was fast approaching. I have a ton of regrets, so many regrets. All the times when she was calling me out for attention or comfort and I would verbally scold her to keep it down because I was having a bad day or because I was too wrapped up in my own tasks. Stupid meaningless tasks that mean absolutely nothing now that I look around Sammy's room and she is nowhere to be found.
It hurts terribly. Nineteen years is a very long time to share life with someone.
Sammy was a beautiful cat. She was always so delicate and gentle and loving. She was a bit frightened of everyone except me the first ten years of her life but as she got older she stopped caring about fear and just started to speak up when she needed something. Sammy would come to me at bedtime and lay on my arm while I would drift off. She was wonderful at licking my arm until the skin went numb. And she absolutely loved her turkey baby food. Sammy would let the entire world know when she spotted those tiny jars.
My world just does not feel right. It feels like a nightmare that I know will never end. My cats are my children. I put them first and always make sure they are safe and secure. They are my number one priority and I am fierce about protecting them from all the dangers that exist.
I just feel like I let Sammy down in times when she needed comforting the most on a daily basis. So engulfed in this stupid computer or my own issues that I wasn't always there for Sammy when she needed my affection.
I feel terrible because these past months of watching Sammy decline, having more and more daily messes to clean up (she began urinating in any given spot at any given time, even peeing while sitting with me in my chair) and the frustrations built up in me and I would scold her in that way where I took for granted that she just might not be here tomorrow. It's the part I hate about myself the most. Giving in to temporary frustrations and letting it affect my interactions with Sammy when I should have tried to focus on the fact that a day would come where I would give anything just to have a mess to clean up or I would have Sammy standing behind my chair meowing for attention so I would have the chance to turn around again and just grab her up and hold onto her.
That day of loss is finally upon me and it feels like a ton of bricks on my chest, in my heart.
So many regrets, so many moments I would give practically anything to have a do-over on.
Sammy has been my angel for so long. I feel lost and empty without her now.
Sammy was a beautiful soul who was always there for me throughout all of life's ups and downs. She loved me so unconditionally. I wish I could have taken all those moments of regret and showed her just how much I truly loved, cherished and needed her in my life.
I love you so much "sambOOdy*. And I miss you so very deeply.
Life without you just does not feel right. I know you are no longer in pain and that is the most important thing. I pray that there is an afterlife and that you are reunited with Toobaloo and Heeby and you three are too busy being happy than to have any realization of the pain in my heart. Because now I have to learn how to live without you. And that is so devastating for me.
I feel so lost without you, Sammy.
I love you so very much, bOOdy. You were my world
I fed Sammy two pouches of food this morning then held her in my lap for a little bit. I wish I had held onto her a little more tightly and showed her a little more love but she was so peaceful just laying there dozing off with her sleepy head resting on my arm. I was already in a state of shock that the time had come.
I have known for a good while now that this day was fast approaching. I have a ton of regrets, so many regrets. All the times when she was calling me out for attention or comfort and I would verbally scold her to keep it down because I was having a bad day or because I was too wrapped up in my own tasks. Stupid meaningless tasks that mean absolutely nothing now that I look around Sammy's room and she is nowhere to be found.
It hurts terribly. Nineteen years is a very long time to share life with someone.
Sammy was a beautiful cat. She was always so delicate and gentle and loving. She was a bit frightened of everyone except me the first ten years of her life but as she got older she stopped caring about fear and just started to speak up when she needed something. Sammy would come to me at bedtime and lay on my arm while I would drift off. She was wonderful at licking my arm until the skin went numb. And she absolutely loved her turkey baby food. Sammy would let the entire world know when she spotted those tiny jars.
My world just does not feel right. It feels like a nightmare that I know will never end. My cats are my children. I put them first and always make sure they are safe and secure. They are my number one priority and I am fierce about protecting them from all the dangers that exist.
I just feel like I let Sammy down in times when she needed comforting the most on a daily basis. So engulfed in this stupid computer or my own issues that I wasn't always there for Sammy when she needed my affection.
I feel terrible because these past months of watching Sammy decline, having more and more daily messes to clean up (she began urinating in any given spot at any given time, even peeing while sitting with me in my chair) and the frustrations built up in me and I would scold her in that way where I took for granted that she just might not be here tomorrow. It's the part I hate about myself the most. Giving in to temporary frustrations and letting it affect my interactions with Sammy when I should have tried to focus on the fact that a day would come where I would give anything just to have a mess to clean up or I would have Sammy standing behind my chair meowing for attention so I would have the chance to turn around again and just grab her up and hold onto her.
That day of loss is finally upon me and it feels like a ton of bricks on my chest, in my heart.
So many regrets, so many moments I would give practically anything to have a do-over on.
Sammy has been my angel for so long. I feel lost and empty without her now.
Sammy was a beautiful soul who was always there for me throughout all of life's ups and downs. She loved me so unconditionally. I wish I could have taken all those moments of regret and showed her just how much I truly loved, cherished and needed her in my life.
I love you so much "sambOOdy*. And I miss you so very deeply.
Life without you just does not feel right. I know you are no longer in pain and that is the most important thing. I pray that there is an afterlife and that you are reunited with Toobaloo and Heeby and you three are too busy being happy than to have any realization of the pain in my heart. Because now I have to learn how to live without you. And that is so devastating for me.
I feel so lost without you, Sammy.
I love you so very much, bOOdy. You were my world
