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Hurricane Preparation (joke..Deb and Kim this is for you!)

post #1 of 19
Thread Starter 
This just cracked me up! Deb and guys better print this out in case you need it!

Living in Florida
> We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season.
Any day now, you're
> going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing
to some radar
> out in the Atlantic Ocean and making two basic
meteorological points.
> (1) There is no need to panic.
> (2) We could all be killed.
> Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in
Florida. If you're new
> the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do
to prepare for the
> possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one." Based on
our experiences,
> we recommend that you follow this simple three-step
hurricane preparedness
> plan:
> STEP 1: Buy enough food and bottled water to last your
family for at least
> three days.
> STEP 2: Put these supplies into your car.
> STEP 3: Drive to Nebraska and remain there until
> statistics show that most people will not follow this
sensible plan. Most
> people will foolishly stay here in Florida.
> We'll start with one of the most important hurricane
preparedness items:
> HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have
> Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as
long as your home
> meets two basic requirements:
> (1) It is reasonably well-built, and
> (2) It is located in Nebraska.
> Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any
other area that
> might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance
companies would
> not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they
might be required
> pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got
into the insurance
> business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge
around for an
> insurance company, which will charge you an annual
premium roughly equal
> the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this
company can drop
> you like used dental floss. Since Hurricane George, I
have had an
> 27 different home-insurance companies. This week, I'm
covered by the Bob
> Big Stan Insurance Company, under a policy which states
that, in addition
> my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to
my kidneys.
> Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the
windows, all the
> and-if it's a major hurricane-all the toilets. There are
several types of
> shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:
> Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make
them yourself,
> they're cheap.
> The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself,
they will fall
> off..
> Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work
well, once you get
> them all up.
> The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your
hands will be
> useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.
> Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very
easy to use, and
> will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is
that you will have
> to sell your house to pay for them.
> Hurricane-proof windows: These are the newest wrinkle in
> protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can
> hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the
salesman says so.
> lives in Nebraska.
> Hurricane Proofing your property: As the hurricane
approaches, check your
> yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters,
patio furniture,
> visiting relatives, etc...
> You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your
swimming pool (if
> you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built
> Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects
into deadly
> If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an
evacuation route
> out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area,
look at your
> driver's license; if it says "Florida," you live in a
low-lying area). The
> purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being
trapped in your
> when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in
a gigantic
> jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred
thousand other
> evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.
> If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies.
Do not buy them
> now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the
last possible
> minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious
fights with
> strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM. In addition
to food and
> you will need the following supplies:
> 23 flashlights. At least $167 worth of batteries that
turn out, when the
> power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.
> Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY
knows what the
> bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!)
> 55 gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
> A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be
useless in a
> hurricane, but it looks cool.)
> A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the
alligators. (Ask anybody
> went through Andrew; after the hurricane, there WILL be
irate alligators.)
> $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane
passes, you can
> a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.
> Of course these are just basic precautions. As the
hurricane draws near,
> is vitally important that you keep abreast of the
situation by turning on
> your television and watching TV reporters in rain
slickers stand right
> to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally
important it is for
> everybody to stay away from the ocean.
> Good luck, and remember: Its great living in Paradise
post #2 of 19
That is hilarious! Having lived on the East Coast all my life, I can relate!
post #3 of 19
lol.. i gotta send these to my family in flordia
post #4 of 19

That was the BEST! Emailing it to everyone I know. ROFLMAO!
post #5 of 19
Thread Starter 
I knew you'd LOVE it!!

So, when ya coming to Nebraska?
post #6 of 19
Currently I'm with 200,000 others in a traffic jam, but be on the lookout!
post #7 of 19
Me too, me too

post #8 of 19
Thread Starter 
Well, I'm all set for you guys! By the time that traffic slows, it'll probably be Halloween and you'd have to turn back around!
post #9 of 19
Shell - I can barely see the screen to type this!!! I cannot remember laughing so hard. I live in Florida as well. (about 5 miles from Kim in fact) But we are in Central Florida you see and hurricanes don't come this far inland. LOL

Oh my gosh,,,,,,,,,,,, Sad part is - most of that is just too true!

Thanks so much for the laughs!!!
post #10 of 19
Thread Starter 
Glad to make you chuckle! I got such a kick out of it, I just HAD to share it!
post #11 of 19
You may dodge the hurricane in Florida but, in Nebraska, the tornados will getcha!
post #12 of 19
Thread Starter 
Ain't that the truth!
post #13 of 19
That was very funny!
post #14 of 19
That was great!
post #15 of 19
Thanks for sharing, Shell!
post #16 of 19

I emailed this to about EVEYONE I know. Still getting a bunch of 'thumbs up' replies. This was priceless.
post #17 of 19
Thread Starter 
Glad I could brighten your day...and everyone else in the State of Florida!
post #18 of 19
Shell!! OMG!! That was funny as Hell! (Deb I have to be a copycat) I am sending it to everyone I know... cheeks hurt from laughing!! Thanks Shell!!

post #19 of 19
Originally posted by Shell
and making two basic meteorological points.
> (1) There is no need to panic.
> (2) We could all be killed.
Yes, and these can be used during other types of severe weather conditions too. For example, a meteorologist in my hometown used them several times once when we had four different tornadoes moving toward our town at the very same time!!!!
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