Do I say something...or not??

My sister was adopted out as a baby. We found each other in 2007 and have remained very close, for the most part ever since.

Her mother is terminally ill with cancer right now and is not doing well at all. My sister is trying to remain hopeful and keep her faith strong, which I can understand but she is doing 90% of the work when it comes to her mother. She does things doctors should be doing and gets very little sleep in the meantime.
She is on call 24/7 and has NO time for herself. (She lives in a flat with her husband above her parents)

Lately she has been talking to me about having a baby. Her and her husband have been trying for a couple years with no success. She went to the doctor and is getting it all sorted out...but the thing is...I REALLY don't think it is a good time for her to have a baby right now. I can't imagine being pregnant and running on a couple hours sleep every night, running up and down a large flight of steps looking after her ill mother. With the stress of her mother being so sick, it can't be good for a baby.

Her diet is very, very poor because she doesn't even have time to prepare decent meals anymore. Also not good for pregnancy.

She keeps talking to me about having a baby and I just sort of smile and nod but I think its horrible timing to try, yet I don't have the heart to tell her because she wants a baby so badly. Should I try to find the words to tell her? Or just let her be?

I'm sorry that her Mom is sick

So far as telling her that her timing to have a baby is wrong, I think you should keep quiet. It's her body, her life and her marriage. It's totally up to her and her husband as to when they decide to have a baby, no one else's.

If she wants to have a baby or step up the process of treatments to help her get pregnant, that's up to her.

You didn't say how terminally ill her Mom is. What is the projected life expectancy? Weeks? A few months? Maybe she is wanting to get pregnant so that her Mom knows before she dies that she will have a grandchild, even if she isn't around to watch him/her grow up. Maybe she needs her Mom to know that.

Instead what I would do is just have a sisterly conversation with her about her health. Let her know that you are concerned that she is over extending herself and that she is not taking time to look after herself IE: private time to rejuvinate, or eating properly.

I see family members killing themselves trying to do everything. I take them aside and gently tell them that they also have to take the time to look after themselves too and encourage them to have lunch with friends, or go get a massage or get their hair done. Anything to take them away from it all even if only for a few hours.

If you live close to her, perhaps you could offer to look after her Mom for her while she goes out and has some personal time?

Also, has she looked into hospice help? Homecare help? Those 2 things are available. Is her Mom on the Palliative Care Program? If not, she should be. These programs are wonderful. They have weekly nurse visits to check on the patient. Access to free medications in most cases. Hospice and Homecare assistance if needed. Respite services for the family members.

She might just need something to look forward to right now since her Mom is sick.

Also if she gets pregnant she might then start really taking care of herself since she will have her baby to think about.

I definately wouldn't say anything to her, she is an adult and she is married so they get to chose when the "right" time to have a baby is A baby might be the best thing to happen to her right now

I can tell you all that having a terminally ill parent changes your life, the way you see the entire world colored. Maybe this is not the best time for a baby, but like someone else said, she has that right.

Its difficult and there are days when it is all you can do to get out of bed and keep the day moving forward.

Your sister needs your support, encouragement and your love....those three things are so important. I would sit her down and talk, make sure she understands your concerns without sounding judgemental. She is a grown woman and can do as she pleases, but knowing her family is pulling for her means so much!!!!

I can tell you that what she is going through is a living, breathing nightmare for a child. I am watching my own mother slowly die of cancer and every single day I feel my heart crumble a little more. They often forget to tell you that not only will cancer take your loved one, it also takes a big part of those being left behind.

I wish her all of the luck and love in the world.

Originally Posted by Natalie_ca

Instead what I would do is just have a sisterly conversation with her about her health. Let her know that you are concerned that she is over extending herself and that she is not taking time to look after herself IE: private time to rejuvinate, or eating properly.

If you live close to her, perhaps you could offer to look after her Mom for her while she goes out and has some personal time?

Also, has she looked into hospice help? Homecare help? Those 2 things are available. Is her Mom on the Palliative Care Program? If not, she should be. These programs are wonderful. They have weekly nurse visits to check on the patient. Access to free medications in most cases. Hospice and Homecare assistance if needed. Respite services for the family members.

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I agree with this, esp offering to help her. If she's not looked into Hospice and/or some kind of home care, maybe you could do some background research for her. I will tell you that home care was wonderful when my dad was so ill. Hospice was truly a great asset at the end of his life.

Home care ladies still come in for my mom. Somebody is with her for about five hours a day: 2-1/2 hours in the morning and then another 2-1/2 hours to prepare dinner, do the clean-up, etc. They clean the apartment, take mom where she needs to go for appts, do the cooking, and just spend time with her. These are all things that my sister and I cannot do because we both work full time. It's a wonderful system.

I'm really sorry about your sister's mother. But she cannot do it all; it's simply too much for one person to handle 24/7. I wish her the best.

My sister hasn't told me exactly how long they gave her but don't imagine she has much more than a few months. She has been bed ridden since October-November.
She does have Palliative Care but they are terrible. They've made mistakes that ended up in her mother going to the hospital for days and weeks, so my sister does all the work even when they come over. They tend to send new people every few days so my sister has to show them what to do, which takes almost 2 hours, so there goes most of her "free time" anyway.
She wants the absolute best care for her mother and so far, she is the only one that has been able to provide it. She does the work that the doctors should do when she is in the hospital. She stays there day and night...and the doctors wake her up to get her to do stuff. She is tired and worn out all the time and is lucky to get 4 hours sleep at night.

I do agree that it is her life and her decision, I just worry about a growing baby in a body that is being run down constantly. She even gets upset because she doesn't have time to spend with her two cats and they aren't eating properly. I just see how little time she has for even the simple things in her life like cleaning (I recently went and cleaned her whole house for her for that reason), eating, taking care of the kitties, exercise and just spending some quality time with her husband. I've never had a baby but even I know that too much stress can be rough on a pregnancy.

I believe that she gets her desire to look after her mother like she is from my mother. My mother looked after my grandmother when she was dying too. Right to the last second, she did it all. I was too young to help out then and if I could, I would help my sister with her mother but the care her mother needs is much more than I am capable of offering. Besides, her mother really doesn't anyone except my sister looking after her because of the nature of one of her problems. It would mean giving up a lot of privacy and she is not comfortable doing that.

I see family members killing themselves trying to do everything. I take them aside and gently tell them that they also have to take the time to look after themselves too and encourage them to have lunch with friends, or go get a massage or get their hair done. Anything to take them away from it all even if only for a few hours.

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The thing is, her father, even though he is there and knows how to do everything, he refuses. So when my sister does go out he often calls her home. It has happened a few times when we've been out together. She won't turn off the phone because she is too scared something will happen.
I have tried to get her to look after herself, even a little but she cares more about looking after her mother than looking after her own needs. 100%.

The whole thing is very sad and I am here for her no matter what. I guess if she really wants a baby, I will have to support that too, as much as I think she should wait.
Sorry for the long rant. I just needed to get it all out. Thanks for the kind words.

Originally Posted by Natalie_ca

I'm sorry that her Mom is sick

So far as telling her that her timing to have a baby is wrong, I think you should keep quiet. It's her body, her life and her marriage. It's totally up to her and her husband as to when they decide to have a baby, no one else's.

If she wants to have a baby or step up the process of treatments to help her get pregnant, that's up to her.

You didn't say how terminally ill her Mom is. What is the projected life expectancy? Weeks? A few months? Maybe she is wanting to get pregnant so that her Mom knows before she dies that she will have a grandchild, even if she isn't around to watch him/her grow up. Maybe she needs her Mom to know that.

Instead what I would do is just have a sisterly conversation with her about her health. Let her know that you are concerned that she is over extending herself and that she is not taking time to look after herself IE: private time to rejuvinate, or eating properly.

I see family members killing themselves trying to do everything. I take them aside and gently tell them that they also have to take the time to look after themselves too and encourage them to have lunch with friends, or go get a massage or get their hair done. Anything to take them away from it all even if only for a few hours.

If you live close to her, perhaps you could offer to look after her Mom for her while she goes out and has some personal time?

Also, has she looked into hospice help? Homecare help? Those 2 things are available. Is her Mom on the Palliative Care Program? If not, she should be. These programs are wonderful. They have weekly nurse visits to check on the patient. Access to free medications in most cases. Hospice and Homecare assistance if needed. Respite services for the family members.

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As usual, Linda gives such wonderful advice. The only thing I would add is... even though it's hard and is taking a toll on your sister, being there for her mom in these final months is the most important thing she can do for herself. She'll be able to cope with losing her mom so much better if she knows she did everything she could for her.

Originally Posted by CarolPetunia

As usual, Linda gives such wonderful advice.

The only thing I would add is... even though it's hard and is taking a toll on your sister, being there for her mom in these final months is the most important thing she can do for herself. She'll be able to cope with losing her mom so much better if she knows she did everything she could for her.

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I was thinking that too. It's such a sad situation all around. I'm thinking she just wants no regrets when it's time to say goodbye. Having a baby or just having her mom know one is on the way could be so comforting to them both. I can't tell you how relieved I was when my Grandparents got to meet my daughter. For one side it was the first great-grandbaby; for the other, well it was just something we'd talked about so much.

I do agree it's a lot on a pregnant woman's already taxed body. She might HAVE to step back a bit; but that will be up to her when the time comes. I think I would have to know you both before I would say to tell her or not about your concerns about how hard it all will be on her body during a pregnancy. I'm sure it's a comfort to her to just know she has your love and support.

I love her to bits. She is like my best friend and the sister I never had (she is also just like me! Scary as it is, hehe). I will support her no matter what...and I do all I can to let her know that.

She is also very stubborn though. She told me flat out that she will not let anyone else look after her mother because she is the only one that does it right.
I'm really not sure if her mother will survive long enough to see the birth of her grandchild though. She also told me "I will NEVER be the same if I lose my mother". I just don't want to see her several months pregnant, trying to grieve and plan a funeral at the same time (should it come to that). She tends to bottle things up and explode randomly. I can't help but be nervous thinking about a baby in there going through what she is.

Though, I suppose knowing she is giving life may very well help deal with what is going on with her mother. You've given me something to think about anyway. I am glad I didn't just blurt something out and upset her. She's told me that I am her true best friend, I really don't want to destroy that. Thank you.

It's wonderful that you have such a close friend in her, and she in you.

Unfortunately, it is her decision and I don't think its your place to put your opinion in here.

Sorry her mother is sick