or Connect
TheCatSite.com › Forums › General Forums › The Cat Lounge › jmvito
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:


post #1 of 40
Thread Starter 
Every time I saw your signature, I thought to myself what a nice man you have portrayed there and I wondered about him and his history with you. So I just finished asking you via PM and I just got your reply to my inquiring PM and after reading it, I wanted to bring this subject out in public.

I remember when my son died, the most damaging thing (for me) was that no one would talk to me about him. Almost like, "if we don't talk about him then he never really existed." And that is so unhealthy-

So here, in front of all these wonderful people, I invite you to tell me (us) about your husband and share your thoughts and feelings about your life together.

You have my heart that he is no longer with you, but I know he occupies a large part of your heart and always will.
post #2 of 40
yes please share if you're up to it.
post #3 of 40
You also have my heart on the loss of your son. Death is a tough thing to handle. But it's most especially tough when it happens to the young people in our lives.

I met my husband in 1986. It truly was love at first sight. I heard his voice, and I turned around and got one look at him and about fell over! We hit it off immediately, and from that day forward were joined at the hip! He was a superb person. And I don't say that now because he's gone. I truly mean that. He was exceptional in every way, and is the one person that made me complete.

We were married just short of 7 years. You know, we never had a single fight. Well, that isn't quite true. One thing we couldn't do together was hang wallpaper. LOL. I swear ... it only took one bathroom and that was the end of our wallpaper hanging projects.

Being that we were both married before, we were very careful not to fall into the same trappings that a lot of marriages end up in. We were extra cautious to maintain open communication. We worked extra hard at trust issues, and we didn't combine finances. We shared the bills, but we kept our money separate. It worked well for us. We were together because we liked each other and we didn't want anything to get in the way. We made "us" our number one priority. One of our favorite things was to tell each other about how we met and how we each felt at that exact moment.

But now he's gone. His absence has left such a gaping wound. I suffer from a broken heart. I go on about my daily business. I have some plans for my future, but even those seem unreachable without him. He was my guiding light, and without him I walk blindly through the night. I'm like a duck in water. On the surface I look calm and easy-going, but underneath I'm paddling like hell.
post #4 of 40
Thread Starter 
I am sorry for your loss, those words always sound so empty especially to one with a hollow heart. But they are sincere in meaning. Death is never an easy thing to accept, and even though it is a part of life, many deny it can ever happen to them or touch them in anyway......until it happens. Then you are left with the aftermath of emotions, the anger, the feeling of betrayal, the way of questioning Why did this happen to me? What have I done to deserve it?

No one can answer in a satisfactory manner why young people are taken so early. When my son died, I had a man of God come to me to explain to me that God wanted Jeremy more than I did! Hogwash! I sent the man of God packing, I was angry, and not wanting to hear his feeble explanations.

It doesn't always get easier, I wish it did, it does get bearable at times, and then something happens, and you shoot right back to the middle of the memory and again in the pain. We have an incredible defense system in our bodies called denial. I learned a long time ago that the way of healing around death is to confront it however ugly it sounds, or however hard it is.

Again, I am sorry for your loss- it is a great chasm you must now cross and you do have support here and people who will listen and who do care.
post #5 of 40
I guess I want to add, to anyone that may read this thread, don't be afraid to talk to someone who's lost spouse, or a close family member. I can tell you first hand the most important thing you can do is to ask to hear about the memories. Yes, it may be sad, and yes it may depress you, but you'll leave the experience much more enriched. I was 38 years old when my husband died. I have no children. I can't tell you how hurtful it was to have people send me cards and say that when I needed to talk they would be there to listen. Well, I'm sorry to say that when i was finally ready to talk, I was told to please change the subject, it was too depressing. People were afraid to ask me about my holidays, or afraid to mention my husband in my presence. People didn't send me Christmas cards that first year, because they didn't want to hurt my feelings. I know in my heart that these people meant well, but they did more harm than good. I love to talk about my husband, and yes, even after 2 years, I cry when I do so, but with every tear comes a small amount of acceptance and healing.
post #6 of 40
Denial ... that's a very powerful defense mechanism. It will cut you off from the real world....

There wasn't a whole lot of denial for me. I found him dead on the basement floor. I gave him CPR. There was no denying what happened. I still suffer from post-traumatic stress.

His family is having a hard time with the denial issue. His oldest daughter still chooses to believe that he's away on a business trip. His youngest daughter moved all the way to California ... I think she's running from the truth. His dad still sits and stares in disbelief. And his mother...well, he died on her birthday. Need I say more?
post #7 of 40
Thread Starter 
post #8 of 40
Oh my gosh.. I'm so sorry to both of you.

The way you described your late husband reminds me so much of how I feel about Jim. He is my soulmate, my best friend, my life. I dont know what I would ever do.. you are so strong, you must be.

post #9 of 40
Jmvito, I know that it doesn't seem like it now, but you CAN survive the death of a spouse. My Russ was an intelligent, loving, funny and gentle man. His last year was spent in a great deal of pain and I hated losing him but, I hated seeing him suffer, even more.

There have been 15 years and another marriage, since Russ died. I still miss him and keep a few mementos. Occasionally, I get out "our" photo album and cry a bit. We wore the same size boots and I still wear a pair of his.

In my case, though, I HAD to keep going. My son Mark was only 10 and having him to take care of kept me sane, most of the time. Once Mark had gone to bed, Russ' favorite cat and I would sit on the couch and cry with each other. Peanut was a great consoler.

My worst night was about a month, after Russ died. I had a dream, in which Russ and I were talking and laughing. I half woke up and reached out for him and touched an empty pillow. That's when I woke up, all the way and cried the rest of the night.

The best way to honor Russ was to live a full life and raise Mark to be a good man. Russ often told me that he didn't expect me to "crawl into the box" with him. I like to think that he would be proud of Mark and me, today. I KNOW that he'd be crazy about the twins!

(BTW: I was 30, when Russ died.)
post #10 of 40
Kat, You're absolutely right. The best way to honor their memories is to stand tall and make the best you have of your life. I realized that early on. I'll admit, there have been a few times when I considered rope just long enough ..... Like you, I am a survivor. That's cool that you still wear his boots. I put on Leo's boots and clod around in them every now and then. They are way too big for me, but I still like to slip them on my feet. It's strange what keeps us close.

Sicy, love the hell out of Jim! Love him more for all the little things that he ever does or says that drives you nuts. Those little quirks will endear him to you forever when you love him because of them, or inspite of them. Those are the things that I hold on to now. As for being strong, well, the way I see it I had two options ... Be strong or not be strong. To me the choice was obvious.

My Leo was the absent minded professor type. You know ... the type that was so highly intelligent he couldn't handle the simple things. The man could do calculus and physics problems in his head, but he couldn't make his own dentist appointment. He could build an entire house by himself, but he couldn't shut the fridge door! LOL. I can't tell you how many times I found a melted ice cube tray in the cupboard, and the butter dish in the freezer.
post #11 of 40
Jmvito, it's sad that your husband passed away so early because it sounds like you two had an incredible bond with each other. I wondered what the story was too when I saw the photo you added to your signature. Mere words posted in a public forum may not seem like much, but it looks like the sentiment here is genuine. I think I've learned something from this as well, and for the better.
post #12 of 40
I'm so sorry Jmvito and Hissy!

post #13 of 40
Hydro, I'm glad you feel as if you can walk away from this feeling like you've learned something. It means alot that someone can benefit from our experiences.

Sam, you're such a sweet thing. (((HUGS)))

Yes, we did have a great relationship. The cool thing was we never took it, or each other, for granted. I am ever so grateful for that. I wish more couples could do the same. I know alot of people feel a tremendous amount of guilt after loosing a spouse. They play that "If only" game ... if only I would have been nicer, if only I wouldn't have said that ... etc. In that regards, I am one of the lucky survivors. We loved a lot in the 15 years we knew each other. We loved as much as some do in a lifetime.
post #14 of 40
it's something how things happen in life. Just when you think you've been through the wringer, someone crosses your path who's got it worse than you. The follow text is a story as related by someone new to my online support group. I read this, and all I can say is WOW! I so much want to reply to her, but I would probably just step all over it if I did. Would love to hear your reactions.

I got married when I was 20, widowed at 22. When my husband, Rick, found out he was sick (non Hogkins Lymphoma), he chose to tell his family that he was sick and told them that since I was so young, he was going to let me go because he didn't want me to watch him die.

He left me and his family took care of him while he was sick. I was told right before he died that he was sick. I wasn't allowed to go see him, and was told of his passing the day after he died. I went to
the funeral, but was not treated like a family member and our marriage was not mentioned in his eulogy. To say the least, I was very hurt by this. His family invited me to their house after the funeral and finally explained to me that my husband had left me because he wanted me to get on with my life instead of watching him die. Up until this point, I thought I must have been a horrible wife for someone to leave me so early in a marriage.

I had a lot of anger to work through. I was mad at him and at his amily. I felt robbed of the opportunity to keep my vows, in sickness and in health, til death do us part. He made that decision for me. nd his family supported his decision. Also, while he was sick, he went on shopping sprees figuring that they can't get money from a dead man, not realizing that California, being a community property state, I would be stuck with all of the debt he created. It was way too much to deal with at 22.

About 3 years after his funeral, his mom started calling me on our anniversary, July 29, to say hi and make sure I was ok. I would tell her that I was fine and have small chit chat with her and then wouldn't hear from her until the next July. This July was different though. She called with a great sense of urgency and left a message that she really needed to talk to me and to call her back even if I had to call collect. I put it off for a few days, because I knew it wasn't a call I could make when I only had 5 minutes to spare. When I finally called her, she told me that she had a massive brain tumor removed in March and that when she came out of surgery, I was the first person she thought of. She had a feeling of urgency that she needed to see me. I've had these types of feelings before and so I felt like I needed to honor that and go see her. She lost quite a bit of memory, and still managed to remember me through all of that.

I finally got to hear the entire story of my husband's illness and passing that I was never told in full before. I was previously given only the information they chose to give me. The amazing thing to me was that even after 6 years and major brain surgery, his mom's story didn't change one bit about why he left me...so I have to believe it's true.

She also had my wedding album and video and gave them to me when I was there this weekend. I never realized what not having those had done. I had completely forgotten how extremely happy I was when I got married. Since my husband passed, I've had a few relationships and haven't remarried. I kept wondering why...but when I saw my photos and video, it occured to me that I haven't been that happy with anyone else yet and that I need to wait for that feeling again before I remarry.

My husband's sister and I were inseperable in high school, so I know that his parents love me because was a part of the family long before the name change. I'm feeling like I need to try to explore this relationship with them and see where it goes. There has to be a reason they came back into my life when they did. I've been invited to his parent's 35th anniversary dinner with his parents, brother and sister. His parents are also going on a 2 week vacation to visit other family and invited me to go along. I declined the vacation, but plan on attending the dinner. Hoepfully, this is a road to healing that I'm on because it seems I'm not quite done with that.

Thank you so much for listening and responding. I wish I would have found this group sooner. What a wonderful resource. When I was a 22 year old widow, I was hanging out with old ladies, because they were the only ones I could relate to. As a result, I can play a mean game of bingo and crochet blankets.
post #15 of 40
It sure sounds like she went through some tough times, but I'll bet she'd appreciate a response from you anyway. I think the thing I learned from this post is that you should try to put aside the fear of saying the wrong things. The thoughts count most when people are aware that you are thinking them or acting on them and I doubt you'll put your foot in your mouth anyway. You're obviously very compassionate.
post #16 of 40
I'm so sorry
post #17 of 40
I don't know really what to say, except that it sounds like you are a very lucky woman. You are lucky that you had that relationship, that amazing amount of love from and for another human being. Even if the time period was way too short, which it was, you have experienced something that many of us will never know.

Thank you for sharing. I, too, have learned from you, and I think I can understand what my Dad feels a little better now. He and Mom had the same kind of wonderful relationship.
post #18 of 40
This thread is very sad indeed. Dying is a fact of life that no one likes to talk about.

Hissy - I'm so sorry about your son. How old was he?

jmvito - I'm also very sad to learn about your husband. Too young. Too sudden.

My father passed away suddenly of a massive heart attack when he was 58. My mom called us at midnight because he had not come home from a town meeting (he never made it to that meeting). My ex husband found him dead. He had been working on a furnace earlier that day. No one witnessed it. We were told that it was a heart attack because when he fell, he cut his head on the cement floor. . . . and the cut did not bleed (his heart had stopped). Ironically, I was working in the same building and vaguely remember hearing him make a funny noise (like a grunt) and didn't think anything of it. I also had a very peaceful feeling come over me that afternoon about the time that they said he died.
It's been 14 years. My mom still wears my dad's old winter coat!
And I still feel that ocassional need to cry.

I've lost several relatives to cancer. Even though they had time to say their goodbyes and put their lives in order. . . . . they suffered and their families suffered watching them deteriorate. My dad was lucky because he did not even have time to think about what hit him. One week before he died he told us that he hoped to die "just like that" (snapping his fingers). There were other strange happenings preceeding his death . . . . like he knew.

post #19 of 40
Originally posted by George'smom
Ironically, I was working in the same building and vaguely remember hearing him make a funny noise (like a grunt) and didn't think anything of it. I also had a very peaceful feeling come over me that afternoon about the time that they said he died.
Laurie, Thank you for sharing your story. I know this is a sad thread. I guess it's a necessary evil.

I had a similar experience when Leo died. I saw him at 4:00 p.m. when I went to the basement to tell him the time and that he should come up to get a shower as we were due at his mother's birthday party at 5:00. Around 4:20, i was sitting on the couch watching T.V. and getting slowly steamed at him for not coming up. I heard a thump and a strange gurgle sound. My instant thought was, "Leo just died." But I rationalized it with, "he hit his elbow on the wall while washing out the grout sponge." I remember shuddering with the chills. I got up and went to the masterbath to plug in my curling iron. While waiting for the iron to heat, I changed clothes and freshened my makeup. As I was curling my hair, I remember the sound of complete silence. I finished curling, and went out to the kitchen to check the time. It was 5:01. I was ticked with him for making us late for the party. I went downstairs, and into the bathroom where he was tiling the floor and that's when I found him. He was on his back, his right leg crossed beneath his left, grout sponge in his hand, eye glasses still on his face.

To this day, I know the chill I felt was him. He passed right through me at the moment it happened.
post #20 of 40
Wow all of these stories have touched me. My heart is breaking for all who have lost someone so special to them. I will remember the next time a friend of mine looses a family member that it is better to ask how they are doing and tell them to talk about the lost loved one.

I do know from reading this that all of you are very strong, I don't know if I could go on if I lost someone so close! I admire you all.

post #21 of 40
I've been following this thread since it started and I always wanted to reply, but I didn't know what to say. I still don't know the exact words, but I just want to tell you that I have a deep respect for how you are handling all of this. Honestly, I don't know if I would have the strength that you have.

I'm terribly sorry to hear about your husband. Many hugs to you Sweetie!
post #22 of 40

There is no need for you to say anything, though I most appreciate that you did.

The thing I find most helpful in my recovery is to share my experience with anyone that will listen. I think Hissy would agree, and I believe, some of the reason she started this thread. It's a cold cruel world when you loose someone you loved so dearly. It seems we assume that the natural order of "things" doesn't include those that haven't lived a vast number of years. Nothing could be further from the truth. I've asked the infamous "why" questions that Hissy alluded to in an earlier post. I never got an acceptable answer. And, I suppose that in itself was my answer. I've come to believe that there are some things that happen in life that are not meant for us to understand. I guess that's where faith steps in and takes hold.

Judging from Blondie's comment, this thread is so worth the bitter-sweetness it generates. I just ask that people remember the next time they leave a funeral of a friend, or relative, co-worker, whomever, that you go back to your life as you know it, but that doesn't happen for the immediate family. Don't tell some one, "call me if you need anything." because the odds are, they won't call you. You have to pick of the phone and say, "I have all day Saturday, what can I do for you?" They may need help mowing the lawn, moving boxes, painting a hallway, a home cooked meal, or someone just to sit with them, share a cup of tea and look through photos.

Something that someone gave one of my stepdaughters at the funeral home was postage stamps. What a thoughtful idea. It saved us a trip to the post office to buy stamps for all those thank you notes.
post #23 of 40
Wow...I can't count how many times I've said "If you need anything call me" and I never have had anyone call. I just didn't know what else to say to them. I won't say those again!

I've had 4 funerals this year. I haven't been to a funeral in several years before this year. Maybe I was just lucky, I dunno. I had 2 family members (one's I were not very close with), my neighbor Jean and my co-workers brother. Out of all of them, the one that replays in my mind constantly is my co-workers brother. I didn't know Joey at all, but I wanted to be there for Jan (my coworker) and her daughters (close friends of mine). When I seen Jan, she bursted into tears and being such an emotional person I joined her. She gave me the biggest hug and whispered in my ear "Michelle, please go home today and hug your brother...it may be the last time you do. I'd do anything to give mine one last hug". Those words still make me cry...I'm doing so as I type. Her words pop into my mind every single day and especially if we're at each others throats. It makes me realize that I don't want hateful words to be our last to each other.
post #24 of 40
Shell, it isn't so much what you say, but rather, how you say it and what you do after you say it. Instead of, "call me." say, "I'll call you in a few days to check on you." Then call. Then call a few days after that. Then a few days later. Grieving is hard work! Don't add to it by asking someone to do some thing more. My dad always told me to keep the ball in my court. That way I always have control of the ball. I would apply that to this type of situation. I would take the step to help, not wait to be asked. The week of a funeral, for the family, is nonstop action -- like a beehive. People buzzing around, doing all kinds of nice things, bringing food to the home, sending flowers, cards, etc. But after it's all done and over with ... when the phone stops ringing ... the food is gone ... you find yourself alone ... or wore out ... a fresh baked lasagne is much more appreciated.
post #25 of 40
Oh this is a sad post but one that needs confronting. I almost lost my husband in a terrible car accident, this after three years of us fighting, anway, he lost his bestfriend in that accident. My husband was the driver. He fell asleep at the wheel. I see the wife of the husband who died, once a year with her daughter, the little girl always says to my husband "you're the man who killed my father." She came to this country to get a job and raise her daughter since back home there are no opportunities to survive for widows. I can definitely say that it bettered the relationship with my husband, makes you look at 'arguing' in a whole different light. Anyway, I feel for all of ya who have lost your loved ones. I tend to 'lighten' things up with laughter since my whole childhood is sadness, but, I am sending lots of hugs to all of you.
post #26 of 40
I can't believe her mother allows her to say such things. I would like to think that if I was a mother, and something like that happened to her dad, I would handle it way better than that.

My husband would call what you and your husband had a "significant emotional experience." They do wonders for the soul, don't they?
post #27 of 40
I lost my brother-in-law Ed in 1990 (he was 30), and his wife Jennifer was 8 weeks pregnant with a 14 month old. The hardest thing I have ever done in my life was to get beyond the "call me if you need anything" escape. We all lived 1200 miles from the rest of our family, and I had no choice but to jump in and deal with the day to day realities, including assisting the delivery of her son Benjamin. People used me as their buffer to Jennifer, even those that had experienced a close loss in their life. Even her parents would call me and remind me to "make sure she eats", "make sure she drinks enough milk"...wheh! For a while I took folks up on their offers of help....having them mow the lawn, bringing over food, babysitting. But it was clear to me how uncomfortable most people are dealing with death and gave that up.

Having stayed close to Jennifer during that time, I learned when it was time to cry with her, bring up memories of Ed, yell at him with her, bully her, or just give her the space that she needed. I did not know Jennifer well when Ed died (I was only married in the family for 6 months), but we now have a bond that nothing will ever separate. I was not close to Ed so could never feel the pain that Jennifer felt. I lost my dad in 1986 and my mom in 2000, but somehow losing a parent is more in the natural order than losing a child or a young spouse.

There is really nothing other than "I'm so sorry" that can be said to all of you that have experienced a loss. We are all unigue in our grief and will work thru that process as we allow. Words are so empty when it comes to death.

I am honored to have been raised by my parents and I will always treasure the legacy they left behind in me.

Wheh! Thank you for listening to my story....I've never told it before.
post #28 of 40
My heart goes out to all of you that have lost loved ones. I know the pain you have suffered and are still suffering. I lost my first husband when I was 21 and had 2 small children to support. My husband had no will and no life insurance. He was hit by a car and killed instantly.

I lived for my children, and lived in denial for quite some time afterward. I was not allowed to view the body as he went under the car and the damage was quite extensive to him.

I went home to a family that told me it was for the best,(they didn't like him)and I suffered alone. I only wish I had the support of all of you to keep my head above water.

Even though this happend 22 years ago I still cry for all that he missed with his children and that they were not old enough to remember him.

You will heal with time, but you will never forget. Stay strong and know he is watching over you and still loves you in spirit.

God Bless
post #29 of 40
Originally posted by jmvito
I can't believe her mother allows her to say such things. I would like to think that if I was a mother, and something like that happened to her dad, I would handle it way better than that.

My husband would call what you and your husband had a "significant emotional experience." They do wonders for the soul, don't they?
Well, her uncles got her bent on saying these things and a lot of nasty people in the community. It did shed light on who was our enemy and friend, very few friends, might I add. Anyway, I feel bad for the mother and the daughter who is old enough to remember her father.

It did change our relationship for sure and definitely more aware of what we had and what we were going to do with our relationship. So many weird things has happened to me that I figure God is right there just thunking me in the forehead to wake up and listen and be thankful for everything that is in my life.
post #30 of 40
My Russ went the way that he wanted to: he was sitting on the side of our bed, with a Scotch-and-soda in one hand, a Cuban cigar in the other, me in his bed and his favorite cat on his lap. He had a massive stroke and never knew what hit him - no pain and he died surrounded by the things that he loved most.

It was awful to lose him but, I know that he was happy and at peace.
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: The Cat Lounge
TheCatSite.com › Forums › General Forums › The Cat Lounge › jmvito