advice please...really bad situation :(

feralvr

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Aw sweetie
If he didn't have anything to hide and they were truly still "just friends" then he wouldn't have put her under the name of Jason in his phone. He is not being honest. I am so very sorry, but this is very fishy and I think he is up to something. I am also bothered by the fact that he let you leave like that only to just text you later. Then you go back inside and she is in there talking with him
. That is just wrong, IMO and I would be furious and hurt too
.
 
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ut0pia

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We had a long talk...he asked what he can do at this point, and I asked him to call her and tell her that he is sorry that he can't be friends with her anymore, but their lie was discovered and to make it clear that he has done wrong by lying to me, and I'm not the bad one for whimsically asking him not to be her friend, which is what he was trying to make it out to be originally...
I also asked him to put her on speaker so I can hear their conversation so i can be sure there isn't more he isn't telling me, and based on what I heard there wasn't.
I told him that if he wants to stay with me he needs to be prepared for complete transparency, he no longer has the right to privacy.
When he called the ex she was so mad, she was saying I just want to curse you right now and things like that..which makes me believe she is really a bad person. She is also married by the way, and after her marriage converted to Islam because her husband is Muslim, and according to their culture they shouldn't have friends of the opposite sex at all. So the whole lying thing is also her lying to her husband,but she does that all the time, not just because of Kyle.
 

rosiemac

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Originally Posted by ut0pia

When he called the ex she was so mad, she was saying I just want to curse you right now and things like that.. .
Hang on?. Not wanting to burst your bubble after hearing he ended the friendship, but this sounds to me like it's been more than a friendship if she got so mad?!. Any normal woman would say "Ok l can understand that".
Originally Posted by ut0pia

...he asked what he can do at this point .
I can't believe he asked you this question!

Hand on heart, do you believe and trust him after this?
 

capt_jordi

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Originally Posted by Rosiemac

Hang on?. Not wanting to burst your bubble after hearing he ended the friendship, but this sounds to me like it's been more than a friendship if she got so mad?!. Any normal woman would say "Ok l can understand that".
You wouldnt be annoyed and confused if a friend just called up and said "yeah sorry we cant be friends anymore?" I think I would be... esp. considering that the ex came first. I know why you dont want him to be friends, and yes it may have been the right thing to do, but you have to know that losing a friend hurts.

When Gary and I first started dating, I still spoke to my ex, we were pretty good friends, we saw the break up coming and it was very mutual. At first Gary was pissed and didnt understand why I didnt just cut him out of my life. I tried to explain to him he was just a good guy to talk to and he was still acting pissed. So I let him see all of our text conversations and still do if I talk to him even though now its mainly just a rare holiday text or I asked his advice about dc since he lives there. Gary understands that the ex is a great friend but an absolutely horrid bf so he doesnt have to worry anymore lol.

I think that if you truly love him that you should try to work things out. I dont think just calling the whole thing off and dumping him should be the solution. Maybe go to pre-marriage counselling now and give yourself plenty of room to change your mind if you need to.
Make sure he knows how deeply he hurt you and your trust and knows how hard its going to be to get that trust back and for this wound to heel. Maybe even if possible postpone the wedding if you havent set a date yet. That way you can work through all of this.
 

blueyedgirl5946

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You are the only one who knows your own heart. Can you believe him and trust him now. Having been through a divorce, I can tell you it is not fun. If you have children, then you live out the rest of your life with the divorce situation, where the children live, who has custody, where they spend holidays, awkwardness at funerals and weddings. Think ahead. Then if you marry a divorced person, you live with the results of their divorce too if they have children. Personally, I would be through with him, but nobody can decide that for you. I hope it works out for the best for you.
 

tara g

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Wow! I've been there, unfortunately. Not so far as to have a number with a false name, but my husband lying to me while we were dating.

[You can skip to the end of the story if you want
]
It was our first year together. Earlier in our relationship, his ex tried to get him back by convincing him to sleep with her or at least kiss her again after we started dating. It freaked him out but he remained friends with her. I was NOT happy about that, considering we were in a 3 hour drive LDR. She ended up pregnant and tried to blame it on him, even though the timing didn't match. She tried getting him to take her to all her doctor's appointments and to lunch which he finally said "its not my baby, not my job." We got into a lot of fights when she'd call him to chat or whine to him to pick her up. When she had the baby in December we were at my parents' house for a long Xmas weekend and she texted him. Then, when we got back (we were living together by then with his parents), we were supposed to go to get my tragus pierced. His best friend came over that night and was hanging out with me wondering where he was too. Well, he straight out lied to me and said he was lending his camera to a friend from class. Four days later I was using his phone to joke with a friend that was with us, and discovered a text from his ex. He went to her place to "check on her, because having a baby is a big deal." I was devastated he lied so easily. He dropped me off at home to stew for 2 hours and rode around with the friend we were with. I found out later that night he thought I was going to leave him. The thought never crossed my mind, but I was livid at the time (btw: Baby is definitely not his, it is a carbon copy of the guy she used to cheat on him with/leave him for when they were together. She admitted it wasn't his also when he asked for a paternity test). She didn't contact him for about 1.5 years, then out of the blue texted him and asked how he was. I remembered her number, but he had deleted her from his phone. When he said he was marrying me in a few months, she quit talking to him for a couple more years, til he got on Facebook. He talks to her again, and I still don't like it even though we've been together for 6+ years and married for 3+ years. He works out with her mom on occasion, who is nice to me, and thinks nothing real nice of her daughter very often.

My hubby also said the "just friends" thing, but after her shady attempts to ruin things with us in that first year together, I still hated the idea. It took him awhile to earn my trust again. I know he was raised better than to cheat, but that lie broke my heart. He's since learned that I *will* figure things out so he's better off not lying about things and rather talking things out with me instead. I've gotten a little better at him being friends with his ex, only because every now and again he'll throw a little "jab" in a conversation to make her realize what I have/what she lost/what he gained.

I think it's a very very very big red flag that your fiance was disguising his ex's name in his phone as a guy!! That shows intentional covering up and a big trust breaker. Being upfront with you about remaining friends with her would have been a much better route for him. By sneaking around, it shows he knows hes doing something wrong, and is knowingly trying to deceive you.

I hope after your talk things will get better and there'll be no more situations like this.
 

libby74

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Honey, I'm so sorry you're going thru this.
As others have said, there are so many red flags here. I don't believe this "ex" was ever really an "ex". The fact that Kyle lied and schemed and totally disregarded your feelings is absolutely unacceptable.
The fact that the "ex" got so upset when he called her tells me that this is more than just a friendship.
Trust is a crucial component in a relationship; once it's been broken, it may never be 100% again.
When you're in love, engaged, planning your wedding, there should be no dramas over an "ex"; that all should have been settled ages ago.
Your gut is telling you things you really don't want to know. I assume you are mature enough to know that a guy can be just friends with a former girlfriend. The fact that you don't want him to even be friends with her is your little inner voice telling you there's something more going on.
Only you can decide if he's being honest with you now, so I'm not about to say you should break up with him. I will say that if you can't trust him, you have nothing on which to build a future. You're young, you're a wonderful person, and you deserve someone who will treasure you.
Best of luck getting this mess straightened out. You're going to have to use your head and your gut, not your heart, to tell you what to do
 

natalie_ca

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Originally Posted by Rosiemac

Hand on heart, do you believe and trust him after this?
I'm taking this a step further.

If this situation had happened to your sister or best friend, what would your advice be to her? Now be absolutely honest about your answer. Remember, this IS your sister or your best friend.
 

luvmyparker

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Yeah, this whole thing is weird. Your fiance must know about her marriage and the fact that she is not suppose to have male friends, yet he doesn't respect that? If he REALLY loves you, he would never have hid the truth from you and if he had any sense in his brain, he would leave a married woman alone, especially knowing the culture she married into.

No one here can make you leave him but if I were you, I'd keep a very, very close eye on him. Since you're not married yet, I see no harm in giving him a second chance but if you catch him talking to her secretly or have ANY doubts about his faithfulness to you, I say tell him "Buh Bye" and go find someone you CAN trust.

Love can take hold of you very easily and make the truth hurt a million times worse but don't let love win over your dignity and self respect. The pain of walking away from someone you thought you could trust is a lot less intense than the pain of marrying someone who doesn't love you enough to be devoted to you 100%.
 

orangeishcat

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I'm afraid I have to agree with everyone else, even after reading that you and he had that talk and he called his ex. That doesn't sound to me like a friend reacting, it sounds like a mistress. Furthermore, the fact that he hid her number in his phone under a male name... it speaks of bad things to come in the future.

I think at this point, if you want to stay together, some counseling might be a good idea- if you can do it through your church, even better, since that's usually free or low-cost and it is faith-based (and that's just my opinion, so if you're not that kind of person feel free to disregard it
)

Otherwise... it might be best to let go and suffer now as opposed to let go when it's much, much harder and suffer way, way more.
 

kittkatt

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Originally Posted by orangeishcat

I'm afraid I have to agree with everyone else, even after reading that you and he had that talk and he called his ex. That doesn't sound to me like a friend reacting, it sounds like a mistress. Furthermore, the fact that he hid her number in his phone under a male name... it speaks of bad things to come in the future.

The "ex" wouldn't have gotten as upset as she did unless there was more going on than what your fiance is admitting to. And the fact that she's married speaks volumes about her. The entire situation just reeks of bad things to come.

I have to say that I was in a situation such as yours once, and like you, I ended up giving him a second chance. It did not have a pretty outcome. The fact that my situation was so much like yours is really concerns me, cuz I can almost guarantee what the outcome will be. I'd hate to see you end up hurting as much as I did...

No one can tell you to leave him: that's up to you. But I think you know in your heart what the answer is. You'll be saving yourself years of heartache if you end it now: trust me - you don't want a husband that you have to constantly keep tabs on cuz you don't trust him. It's a heartbreaking way to spend your life...

I would suggest counseling if you decide to give it another shot. If your fiance refuses, then I would say that he's not serious about giving your relationship its all. I'm so sorry that you're having to face all this.
 

elayman

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Originally Posted by blueyedgirl5946

You are the only one who knows your own heart. Can you believe him and trust him now. Having been through a divorce, I can tell you it is not fun. If you have children, then you live out the rest of your life with the divorce situation, where the children live, who has custody, where they spend holidays, awkwardness at funerals and weddings. Think ahead. Then if you marry a divorced person, you live with the results of their divorce too if they have children. Personally, I would be through with him, but nobody can decide that for you. I hope it works out for the best for you.

Why is there so much to lose ? Do you have low self-esteem and the need to be loved at all costs ? There may appear to be a lot invested now compared to your past relationships - but when there are tangible assets involved like possessions or children, are you going to be able to live with it any more easily ? Because marriage is a permanent arrangement and separation due to infidelity may not be feasible, immediately or ever. No man is perfect, but if the mistakes he's making are tearing your heart out now, you really need to think seriously about your future or there lack of with this man.
 

gloriajh

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Just wondering if there may be some other factors involved that haven't been spoken to - like dependency factors.

Do you need his financial support right now, or, are you self-supporting - are you employed?

<><><><><><>

True love - some characteristics:

love does not dishonor others
* have you been dishonored?

love is not self-seeking
* he'd rather - well you fill in the blanks

love always protects
* physically, ?how many sexual transmitted diseases out there, especially with multiple partners?
* emotionally, how full is your emotional bucket of positive things right now?

love always trusts
* that is a hard thing to mend once it's been lost

If you marry, what would your vows say?
You might mean them, but wouldn't you have serious doubts if he does?
<><><><>>

Just sayin' - you need to step back, wipe the fog of love out of your eyes, and really look into the future - what you decide now, the reasons for your decision now, will effect your future and your happiness.

I think you've asked for advice here, and you've read what has been offered - your happiness in life depends on your decision now.

As I asked in the first couple of sentences here - is there some sort of underlying dependency that you haven't wanted to address?
 

orangeishcat

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Also before I forget- I understand that you're going to feel the urge to defend him while you're going through this. Even though he hurt you so badly, it's still normal for you to say "but there are so many good things about him!", and I know there are- you don't want him to look horrible in our eyes or the eyes of your friends/family.

Just remember what made you come here in the first place, and try not to let the whole "it will be better in the morning" mindset cloud your judgement, no matter what decision you end up making.
 

carolina

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Thank Goodness others responded before me

Seriously.... Seriously.... Are you really going to trust him?
Do you really *think* that phone call, and him promising you "transparency" means anything?
I will bet you anything right now that he already called her on his first opportunity to tell her that he was forced to make that phone call and that you were standing right there in front of him.
Sorry, but I have been there.... On both sides, mind you. I was the cheated one, and I was "Jason" too (not proud, but true). Now, you stay there if you want.... But I tell you it is trouble and it will suck badly if you stay.
Her reaction screams loudly that there IS something there. And guess what, you can blame her as much as you want and call her the bad person, but he is the one cheating on you, not her.
Oh man.... you have the chance to walk away now..... I seriously hope you don't put yourself through the humongous pain of being tied to him with a marriage and God forbid kids when this blows up again.... There is nothing more painful than being betrayed and not having the choice to walk away like you have right now.... It hurts like mad hell. I hope from the bottom of my heart you do not willingly put yourself into this situation....
 

feralvr

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My gosh, I can't help but feel so upset with this guy and that ex, and my heart
is going out to you. AND she is MARRIED!!!!!! AW HUN
I have to agree with everyone here. All of this speaks VOLUMES as to the kind of man he is and is going to be down the road. Seriously, (I agree with KittKatt on this) the only way I would consider going on with this relationship and furthering your marriage plans would be counseling. PERIOD. But, part of me thinks and feels that you will only be prolonging the inevitable and just more pain and hurt. The trust has been broken here, and that takes SOOOOOOO much work to repair on both sides. I can say, thank the Lord that you found out about them before the marriage took place and not after. And I do think there was something to be found out.......
. So many
and to you today.....
 

libby74

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Mariya, do I remember something about his Grandmother's ring that caused trouble with his family? There were conditions attached or something like that, and Kyle didn't stick up for you the way he should have.

I guess what I'm trying to say is---this doesn't appear to be the first time he's put you second in his life and not been overly concerned about your feelings.

I can't get past the fact that he had this supposed ex listed under a guy's name on his phone. Are you going to be able to stop yourself from ever doing a re-dial on his phone again? Honey, I truly don't want to see you hurt, but I also don't want you to settle. This isn't a decision to be made lightly, but it is a decision that will affect the next 60 or so years of your life.

You've shared your problem with us, and we've all given you our thoughts on the matter. It's up to you to decide if you love Kyle enough to trust him, and if he loves you enough to deserve your trust. I wish I could just give you a big hug right now.
 
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ut0pia

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I just don't know what to do, and yes the grandmother's ring situation was really awful!! I don't know ....
There is a lot he has done for me, a lot of actions that speak volumes about how he feels about me. So I can't just ignore all that...
We are in no hurry to get married, and I am in no way financially dependent on him. In fact I haven't even fully moved in with him yet, and have no plans to, I am just there at his place a lot...
Weird but today I get a text from the girl, saying her cat is sick and she needs help. Of course I had to offer to give her a ride to the vets office, and I gave her my vets address...
Thankfully the cat was okay, it was just an 8 week old kitten who had tapeworms and was throwing up because of them...the vet got it all taken care of my deworming her..It was odd though. I think it was her attempt to make friends with me, and asking help about the cat is always a good approach knowing I'm an animal person..
I haven't made up my mind yet because I just don't want to throw away something that has been good so far, and i guess in my mind, I am refusing to see this for what it really is...
Kyle has been sucking up to me all this time after me finding out about it, which only shows how manipulative he is
Our wedding isnt' even planned, we just got engaged, so it's not like we are about to make this decision,and I am definitely returning his ring and the engagement is called off, but I know him, he won't give up on this so easily. He will try to get me back ...I almost feel like his possession, not someone he loves but he still wants to be with me because he likes the idea of his life with me in it...
It's all just so very sad
 

libby74

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ut0pia;3079062 said:
Weird but today I get a text from the girl, saying her cat is sick and she needs help. Of course I had to offer to give her a ride to the vets office, and I gave her my vets address...


Honey, you have no idea how my jaw dropped when I read that. Seriously, what the heck is going on?! Maybe I'm just suspicious by nature, but something is seriously off. Of all the people in the world she could have called, she picked her "ex's" fiance?! She knows the two of you have issues at the moment, yet you're the one she called. I'm sorry, but IMO there is some major manipulation going on.
 

carolina

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Oh honey, I am so very sorry...

One thing I learned in life is that we are better off alone than in bad company... Trust me when I say.... WAY better off, and you will be alright

You need no one to make yourself happy hun, just you, and you only. Always always remember that no matter what, you will always have yourself, the most AMAZING, and the most important person to count on. Never forget that

You have Jakie too... and us
 
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