advice please...really bad situation :(

ut0pia · Jun 18, 2011

My fiancee lied to me today, and it just broke my heart into a million pieces.
So to tell the full story, his ex girlfriend came over one night, and it was weird- first of all we'd been drinking and I had never met her before, so I told Kyle that I didn't think it was a good day for her to come over, and I like to be 100% myself and sober when I meet new people. Well, he said it was going to be only for a little while, and I got really upset and went to take a nap, and as I was laying in bed I realized how wrong the whole situation is, her coming over and me having to stay in my bedroom because of that!! So, I got so worked up that I left, and because i couldn't drive I went inside my car and in the parking lot and started crying. It was awful!!
when Kyle realized I'd been gone he just texted I guess I'll see you later. He didn't know where I was, he knew I'd been drinking and my car was far out of sight , and I started to get even more upset at his lack of concern. Later I just got bored sitting out there and I came back inside, and I said hello to his ex, and she seemed to kno so much about our relationship that it just broke my heart that he has been telling her all these details and not telling me that he is talking to her at all!! The next day I asked him to stop talking to her about our relationship and just cool it down with her because they seem to be inappropriately too close.
So, today he was texting someone named Jason, I never heard of this person before, and I had a bad feeling about it...
Well surprise surprise, I followed my gut instinct and reverse looked up the number from his phone, and it turns out it's his ex, and he put her under "Jason" in his phone so that I don't know it's her!!
It's sooo wrong.. and i don't know what to do, he is apologiziing but its not enough...
i don't want us to break up, we are engaged and really seriuos and have invested a lot in our relationship, and things have been great other than this incident with the ex...but at the same time this raises a huge red flag!!! Is it possible to save our relationship if so what am I supposed to do....ughh this is awfullllllll

bmw kitty cat · Jun 18, 2011

I'm sorry to say but if he can't let go of his ex-girlfriend, he probably isnt the guy for you. For him to just have texted you after you left knowing you had been drinking it not right. I understand you must feel terrible and it's only natural to be hurt, but it seems to be he still has feelings for his ex. :hug:

ut0pia · Jun 18, 2011

Originally Posted by BMW Kitty Cat

I'm sorry to say but if he can't let go of his ex-girlfriend, he probably isnt the guy for you. For him to just have texted you after you left knowing you had been drinking it not right. I understand you must feel terrible and it's only natural to be hurt, but it seems to be he still has feelings for his ex. :hug:

I've tried to get him to see it this way, he just keeps saying that I'm the bad person for trying to restrict who he is friends with and that she is his friend and nothing more, but he wants to stay friends with her

gloriajh · Jun 18, 2011

When is a lie ever really a good sign of anything?

Your "gut" knows what you need to do - and, your posting this thread probably helped you vent, and - get confirmation from others about what you need to do.

He lied about this, don't let him try to turn his problem into your fault, and piling guilt on you when he's the one that owns the lie.

Sorry - you already know he's probably a cheater - bigger heart break is headed your direction if you continue this relationship -- think ahead, and after you are married, you have children - then you decide it isn't working because he so easily cheats on you - now kids are involved, which brings a pain in your heart like no other.

I'm sorry for your suffering, but maybe you should cut your losses while they don't involve children. It's better you found out now, then later.

carolpetunia · Jun 18, 2011

It is possible for people in committed relationships to remain friends with their exes (my best friend is my ex-beloved) -- but not like this. Your fiance has shown that he's willing to (a) ignore your reasonable wishes regarding the ex and (b) trick you in order to conceal his continuing contact with her. Neither of these bodes well for your marriage.

Please... don't set yourself up for misery and divorce. Yes, it's possible that all he wants is to maintain that woman's friendship -- but even if that's all it is, bear in mind that he ignored your concerns, put you in an embarrassing situation, sat talking with his ex while you left the house, and lied to you. This is not how a man behaves who is truly in love and ready to get married.

carolina · Jun 18, 2011

Maryia, I will be short and blunt, and I am so sorry for what you will hear now... But there is no other way to put this for me... Imho he is cheating on you. If he is not, he has every intention to, and you will not/can not stop it. The fact that he has her name under "Jason" on his cell phone so you can't find out that the text back and forth... That she knows so much about your relationship... I am sorry... If he was not cheating, or planning to, he would have nothing to hide.
I know you will be confused... I know you will try to find a million excuses why he tried to hide from you, but please, do think long and hard before you marry him... You will put yourself through great pain... Imho you just got a huge sign... Stop and look at it- I would not let it go...
I am so so sorry you are going through this honey

natalie_ca · Jun 19, 2011

There is nothing wrong with being friends with the oposite sex. And there is nothing wrong with maintaining a friendship with an ex, so long as both ex's realize that their romance is over and that all there is is friendship, nothing more. The problem arises when one doesn't accept the end of the relationship and hangs onto the "friendship" in the hopes of it becoming something more again.

I don't know where your b/f's head is regarding his ex. Only he knows that.

Also, it takes a very secure individual to be in a relationship with someone who is best friends with their ex. Not everyone can deal with the jealousy that creeps in.

Your b/f has broken the first rule of a relationship: Trust!

First he kept his friendship with his ex from you. Even if he didn't think you would handle the fact that he was still friends with his ex, he should have told you that they are still friends.

Second, you were obviously upset about her coming over, and I'm not convinced it was entirely because you had been drinking. I think you were just so taken aback by the fact that he sprung on you the fact that he was still in contact with his ex and that he had invited her over, without having talked to you about it first to see how you would feel about it.

Thirdly, you told him that you didn't want her coming over, even if you used a lame excuse to do it. However, regardless of your feelings, he still allowed her to come over.

In all fairness to him, you did use a lame excuse to try and get her to not come over (IE: drinking). Had you been more upfront and told him that you were bothered by the fact that he had continued to be in contact with her and that you were uncomfortable with her coming over, things might have been different. Guys are stupid when it comes to reading women's emotions. You left because you were upset. He didn't know that. So why would he go running out after you? Next time speak up and say what you are feeling.

Fourth. Once you did get the guts to talk to him about it, he continued to seek out her friendship by changing her name in his phone contact list so that you wouldn't know it was her.

My advice? Dump him. Being friends with an ex is one thing, but sneaking around to do it is somethine entirely different. If you can't trust your partner, then there is no room for a relationship.

Do you honestly want to go through your life wondering who he is talking to on his phone, or who he is with when he is 1/2 hour late getting home from work?

kailie · Jun 19, 2011

HUGE red flag sweetie.

If there is no trust in a relationship, what is there? I have been in your shoes and kept ignoring the red flags, and all it got me was a boatload of hurt. You don't deserve to be lied to, and as much as it hurts, you are worth SO much more than that.

Winchester · Jun 19, 2011

I have to agree with everybody else here. It's not the fact that he's still friends with her.....what really bothers me is that he's kept his relationship with her a secret from you. Then he just says "Oh, she's coming over" despite your own misgivings about her being there. And now she has become "Jason" on his phone. Trust is a big issue in any relationship and he has broken your trust. There is no room for lies here.

If you really don't want to call everything off yet, then sit down with him and have a long talk about where you're going in this relationship. If there's any doubt at all after that, you're going to have to make a decision at that point.

yosemite · Jun 19, 2011

Bluntly, you can hurt now or worse later. This man is not only lying but he's sneaking around as well. Just be thankful that you are not already married to him. Let him go and if she wants him let her have him. He is SO not worth your love and commitment.

kittymom4 · Jun 19, 2011

I sort of agree with the consensus here on this one. BUT I'm not going to tell you to dump him - you have to figure out how to handle this for yourself

Only you can answer that one.

However I will say that I think it is possible that he could be friends and innocently so with this woman. BUT I really think if that was his intention then he would have been upfront with you about it. If there was nothing to hide, then he wouldn't have. I can see that maybe at first he wouldn't have wanted to tell you because of the "my girl friend won't understand" or "things will get taken the wrong way" thing - but what in the world does he expect THIS looks like? IMO I don't think he cares. Don't take that as he doesn't care about you - I just don't think he's thought about or cares what you discovering all of this will look like to you - or do to you. Selfish people usually don't.

If you continue to see this man I would not expect him to end his relationship (whatever it may be) with this other woman. And if his intentions are not on the up and up then he will try harder to make this all into your fault. Don't put yourself in the position of being on the losing end in a few years thinking "I should have seen this coming" Nobody wants to be that person.

coolcat · Jun 19, 2011

.....

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calico2222 · Jun 19, 2011

Originally Posted by ut0pia

I've tried to get him to see it this way, he just keeps saying that I'm the bad person for trying to restrict who he is friends with and that she is his friend and nothing more, but he wants to stay friends with her

The best defense is a good offense. HUGE warning sign!

I agree that people can still be friends with their ex. I'm still friends with some of mine (in fact, one was in our wedding) and DH is friends with some of his. However, we are honest about when we talk to them and don't hide anything. It wouldn't even occur to me to try to hide anything and I trust DH feels the same way.

I think you need to sit down and talk to him. If he can't see where you are coming from and why you are hurt, and still tries to make you out to be the bad guy, maybe you should take a break. It sounds like he needs to figure out what he wants and grow up a little.

swampwitch · Jun 19, 2011

He's lied to you, more than once, about seeing and talking to his girlfriend (sounds like she's not an "ex" anymore). I know you don't want to break up with him but there's no way the situation is going to get better after you are married. Cut your losses and get out! If the two of you are meant to be together, he will want you back and not want anyone else, and he will do everything to get you back. It's your only chance to have a permanent trusting relationship with him.

mindwitch · Jun 19, 2011

its obvious he plans on cheating.

rosiemac · Jun 19, 2011

Originally Posted by BMW Kitty Cat

I'm sorry to say but if he can't let go of his ex-girlfriend

That's my take on it as well, especially knowing he has her number under a different name.

You need to sit down with him and get everything off your chest, even if you have to mention the number, but the thoughts obviously there with him so l would let him go

amberthe bobcat · Jun 19, 2011

Originally Posted by Carolina

Maryia, I will be short and blunt, and I am so sorry for what you will hear now... But there is no other way to put this for me... Imho he is cheating on you. If he is not, he has every intention to, and you will not/can not stop it. The fact that he has her name under "Jason" on his cell phone so you can't find out that the text back and forth... That she knows so much about your relationship... I am sorry... If he was not cheating, or planning to, he would have nothing to hide.
I know you will be confused... I know you will try to find a million excuses why he tried to hide from you, but please, do think long and hard before you marry him... You will put yourself through great pain... Imho you just got a huge sign... Stop and look at it- I would not let it go...
I am so so sorry you are going through this honey

I couldn't agree with this more and I know first hand what these secret texts mean and what they will lead too. Had it happen to me by my wife, whom I loved and trusted for 10 years. Think long and hard before you marry this man, because you do not want to end up in my situation. Hating people of the opposite sex and not trusting anyone, except my animals.

kittkatt · Jun 19, 2011

Originally Posted by CarolPetunia

It is possible for people in committed relationships to remain friends with their exes (my best friend is my ex-beloved) -- but not like this. Your fiance has shown that he's willing to (a) ignore your reasonable wishes regarding the ex and (b) trick you in order to conceal his continuing contact with her. Neither of these bodes well for your marriage.

Please... don't set yourself up for misery and divorce. Yes, it's possible that all he wants is to maintain that woman's friendship -- but even if that's all it is, bear in mind that he ignored your concerns, put you in an embarrassing situation, sat talking with his ex while you left the house, and lied to you. This is not how a man behaves who is truly in love and ready to get married.

If he's lied to you about his relationship with his ex, who knows what else he's lying to you about? He's also not considering your feeling over the situation: that's not a good sign, either. If he's lying & disregarding your feelings now, I'm sorry to say it won't get any better. If he thinks he can get away with it now, it's only gonna get worse. You don't want a man like that for your husband. Take it from someone who knows - I've been in your shoes...

I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this, but it's better that you find out now than later. I think you know in your heart what you need to do.

natalie_ca · Jun 19, 2011

Originally Posted by KittKatt

If he's lying & disregarding your feelings now, I'm sorry to say it won't get any better. If he thinks he can get away with it now, it's only gonna get worse. You don't want a man like that for your husband.

Yes. We teach other people how to treat us. "Forgiving and forgetting" at this point will set a precident for future behaviour. If he knows that he can get away with it, he will try and then manipulate you into accepting it.

You may love him, but he doesn't love you equally. And that is what love is all about, being equals and taking each other's feelings into consideration and looking out for each other and protecting each other. He's done none of that from what I can read from your post.

KittenKrazy · Jun 19, 2011

My two cents isn't worth much, cheating and alll other problems aside- the fact that the trust in this relationship has been broken is the part that screams at me. I've been in HIS shoes, I cheated and was caught, wanted to stay friends but to save my marriage I couldn't .... But the trust part... Once that trust in a relationship has been broken, it is very, very hard, almost impossible to get back -this coming from our pastor and a marriage counselor . It's something that now, if BOTH of you want to make this relationship work you can rebuild, with a lot of work on both parts, but things will never, ever be the same. It's been five years for us, and still, to keep things smooth, I have to allow all texts, emails etc. to be read at any given time, just to soothe his mind on those days when he thinks about what happened and worries that it might happen again. Good luck on whatever decision you make, and always remember that we're here for you!!

advice please...really bad situation :(

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