advice please...really bad situation :(

I'm sorry to say but if he can't let go of his ex-girlfriend, he probably isnt the guy for you. For him to just have texted you after you left knowing you had been drinking it not right. I understand you must feel terrible and it's only natural to be hurt, but it seems to be he still has feelings for his ex. :hug:

When is a lie ever really a good sign of anything?

Your "gut" knows what you need to do - and, your posting this thread probably helped you vent, and - get confirmation from others about what you need to do.

He lied about this, don't let him try to turn his problem into your fault, and piling guilt on you when he's the one that owns the lie.

Sorry - you already know he's probably a cheater - bigger heart break is headed your direction if you continue this relationship -- think ahead, and after you are married, you have children - then you decide it isn't working because he so easily cheats on you - now kids are involved, which brings a pain in your heart like no other.

I'm sorry for your suffering, but maybe you should cut your losses while they don't involve children. It's better you found out now, then later.

It is possible for people in committed relationships to remain friends with their exes (my best friend is my ex-beloved) -- but not like this. Your fiance has shown that he's willing to (a) ignore your reasonable wishes regarding the ex and (b) trick you in order to conceal his continuing contact with her. Neither of these bodes well for your marriage.

Please... don't set yourself up for misery and divorce. Yes, it's possible that all he wants is to maintain that woman's friendship -- but even if that's all it is, bear in mind that he ignored your concerns, put you in an embarrassing situation, sat talking with his ex while you left the house, and lied to you. This is not how a man behaves who is truly in love and ready to get married.

Maryia, I will be short and blunt, and I am so sorry for what you will hear now... But there is no other way to put this for me... Imho he is cheating on you. If he is not, he has every intention to, and you will not/can not stop it. The fact that he has her name under "Jason" on his cell phone so you can't find out that the text back and forth... That she knows so much about your relationship... I am sorry... If he was not cheating, or planning to, he would have nothing to hide.
I know you will be confused... I know you will try to find a million excuses why he tried to hide from you, but please, do think long and hard before you marry him... You will put yourself through great pain... Imho you just got a huge sign... Stop and look at it- I would not let it go...
I am so so sorry you are going through this honey

There is nothing wrong with being friends with the oposite sex. And there is nothing wrong with maintaining a friendship with an ex, so long as both ex's realize that their romance is over and that all there is is friendship, nothing more. The problem arises when one doesn't accept the end of the relationship and hangs onto the "friendship" in the hopes of it becoming something more again.

I don't know where your b/f's head is regarding his ex. Only he knows that.

Also, it takes a very secure individual to be in a relationship with someone who is best friends with their ex. Not everyone can deal with the jealousy that creeps in.

Your b/f has broken the first rule of a relationship: Trust!

First he kept his friendship with his ex from you. Even if he didn't think you would handle the fact that he was still friends with his ex, he should have told you that they are still friends.

Second, you were obviously upset about her coming over, and I'm not convinced it was entirely because you had been drinking. I think you were just so taken aback by the fact that he sprung on you the fact that he was still in contact with his ex and that he had invited her over, without having talked to you about it first to see how you would feel about it.

Thirdly, you told him that you didn't want her coming over, even if you used a lame excuse to do it. However, regardless of your feelings, he still allowed her to come over.

In all fairness to him, you did use a lame excuse to try and get her to not come over (IE: drinking). Had you been more upfront and told him that you were bothered by the fact that he had continued to be in contact with her and that you were uncomfortable with her coming over, things might have been different. Guys are stupid when it comes to reading women's emotions. You left because you were upset. He didn't know that. So why would he go running out after you? Next time speak up and say what you are feeling.

Fourth. Once you did get the guts to talk to him about it, he continued to seek out her friendship by changing her name in his phone contact list so that you wouldn't know it was her.

My advice? Dump him. Being friends with an ex is one thing, but sneaking around to do it is somethine entirely different. If you can't trust your partner, then there is no room for a relationship.

Do you honestly want to go through your life wondering who he is talking to on his phone, or who he is with when he is 1/2 hour late getting home from work?

HUGE red flag sweetie. If there is no trust in a relationship, what is there? I have been in your shoes and kept ignoring the red flags, and all it got me was a boatload of hurt. You don't deserve to be lied to, and as much as it hurts, you are worth SO much more than that.

I have to agree with everybody else here. It's not the fact that he's still friends with her.....what really bothers me is that he's kept his relationship with her a secret from you. Then he just says "Oh, she's coming over" despite your own misgivings about her being there. And now she has become "Jason" on his phone. Trust is a big issue in any relationship and he has broken your trust. There is no room for lies here.

If you really don't want to call everything off yet, then sit down with him and have a long talk about where you're going in this relationship. If there's any doubt at all after that, you're going to have to make a decision at that point.

Bluntly, you can hurt now or worse later. This man is not only lying but he's sneaking around as well. Just be thankful that you are not already married to him. Let him go and if she wants him let her have him. He is SO not worth your love and commitment.

I sort of agree with the consensus here on this one. BUT I'm not going to tell you to dump him - you have to figure out how to handle this for yourself Only you can answer that one.

However I will say that I think it is possible that he could be friends and innocently so with this woman. BUT I really think if that was his intention then he would have been upfront with you about it. If there was nothing to hide, then he wouldn't have. I can see that maybe at first he wouldn't have wanted to tell you because of the "my girl friend won't understand" or "things will get taken the wrong way" thing - but what in the world does he expect THIS looks like? IMO I don't think he cares. Don't take that as he doesn't care about you - I just don't think he's thought about or cares what you discovering all of this will look like to you - or do to you. Selfish people usually don't.

If you continue to see this man I would not expect him to end his relationship (whatever it may be) with this other woman. And if his intentions are not on the up and up then he will try harder to make this all into your fault. Don't put yourself in the position of being on the losing end in a few years thinking "I should have seen this coming" Nobody wants to be that person.

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The best defense is a good offense. HUGE warning sign!

I agree that people can still be friends with their ex. I'm still friends with some of mine (in fact, one was in our wedding) and DH is friends with some of his. However, we are honest about when we talk to them and don't hide anything. It wouldn't even occur to me to try to hide anything and I trust DH feels the same way.

I think you need to sit down and talk to him. If he can't see where you are coming from and why you are hurt, and still tries to make you out to be the bad guy, maybe you should take a break. It sounds like he needs to figure out what he wants and grow up a little.

He's lied to you, more than once, about seeing and talking to his girlfriend (sounds like she's not an "ex" anymore). I know you don't want to break up with him but there's no way the situation is going to get better after you are married. Cut your losses and get out! If the two of you are meant to be together, he will want you back and not want anyone else, and he will do everything to get you back. It's your only chance to have a permanent trusting relationship with him.

its obvious he plans on cheating.

That's my take on it as well, especially knowing he has her number under a different name.

You need to sit down with him and get everything off your chest, even if you have to mention the number, but the thoughts obviously there with him so l would let him go

I couldn't agree with this more and I know first hand what these secret texts mean and what they will lead too. Had it happen to me by my wife, whom I loved and trusted for 10 years. Think long and hard before you marry this man, because you do not want to end up in my situation. Hating people of the opposite sex and not trusting anyone, except my animals.

If he's lied to you about his relationship with his ex, who knows what else he's lying to you about? He's also not considering your feeling over the situation: that's not a good sign, either. If he's lying & disregarding your feelings now, I'm sorry to say it won't get any better. If he thinks he can get away with it now, it's only gonna get worse. You don't want a man like that for your husband. Take it from someone who knows - I've been in your shoes...

I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this, but it's better that you find out now than later. I think you know in your heart what you need to do.

Yes. We teach other people how to treat us. "Forgiving and forgetting" at this point will set a precident for future behaviour. If he knows that he can get away with it, he will try and then manipulate you into accepting it.

You may love him, but he doesn't love you equally. And that is what love is all about, being equals and taking each other's feelings into consideration and looking out for each other and protecting each other. He's done none of that from what I can read from your post.

My two cents isn't worth much, cheating and alll other problems aside- the fact that the trust in this relationship has been broken is the part that screams at me. I've been in HIS shoes, I cheated and was caught, wanted to stay friends but to save my marriage I couldn't .... But the trust part... Once that trust in a relationship has been broken, it is very, very hard, almost impossible to get back -this coming from our pastor and a marriage counselor . It's something that now, if BOTH of you want to make this relationship work you can rebuild, with a lot of work on both parts, but things will never, ever be the same. It's been five years for us, and still, to keep things smooth, I have to allow all texts, emails etc. to be read at any given time, just to soothe his mind on those days when he thinks about what happened and worries that it might happen again. Good luck on whatever decision you make, and always remember that we're here for you!!

Aw sweetie If he didn't have anything to hide and they were truly still "just friends" then he wouldn't have put her under the name of Jason in his phone. He is not being honest. I am so very sorry, but this is very fishy and I think he is up to something. I am also bothered by the fact that he let you leave like that only to just text you later. Then you go back inside and she is in there talking with him . That is just wrong, IMO and I would be furious and hurt too .

Hang on?. Not wanting to burst your bubble after hearing he ended the friendship, but this sounds to me like it's been more than a friendship if she got so mad?!. Any normal woman would say "Ok l can understand that".
I can't believe he asked you this question!

Hand on heart, do you believe and trust him after this?

You wouldnt be annoyed and confused if a friend just called up and said "yeah sorry we cant be friends anymore?" I think I would be... esp. considering that the ex came first. I know why you dont want him to be friends, and yes it may have been the right thing to do, but you have to know that losing a friend hurts.

When Gary and I first started dating, I still spoke to my ex, we were pretty good friends, we saw the break up coming and it was very mutual. At first Gary was pissed and didnt understand why I didnt just cut him out of my life. I tried to explain to him he was just a good guy to talk to and he was still acting pissed. So I let him see all of our text conversations and still do if I talk to him even though now its mainly just a rare holiday text or I asked his advice about dc since he lives there. Gary understands that the ex is a great friend but an absolutely horrid bf so he doesnt have to worry anymore lol.

I think that if you truly love him that you should try to work things out. I dont think just calling the whole thing off and dumping him should be the solution. Maybe go to pre-marriage counselling now and give yourself plenty of room to change your mind if you need to.
Make sure he knows how deeply he hurt you and your trust and knows how hard its going to be to get that trust back and for this wound to heel. Maybe even if possible postpone the wedding if you havent set a date yet. That way you can work through all of this.

You are the only one who knows your own heart. Can you believe him and trust him now. Having been through a divorce, I can tell you it is not fun. If you have children, then you live out the rest of your life with the divorce situation, where the children live, who has custody, where they spend holidays, awkwardness at funerals and weddings. Think ahead. Then if you marry a divorced person, you live with the results of their divorce too if they have children. Personally, I would be through with him, but nobody can decide that for you. I hope it works out for the best for you.

Wow! I've been there, unfortunately. Not so far as to have a number with a false name, but my husband lying to me while we were dating.

[You can skip to the end of the story if you want ]
It was our first year together. Earlier in our relationship, his ex tried to get him back by convincing him to sleep with her or at least kiss her again after we started dating. It freaked him out but he remained friends with her. I was NOT happy about that, considering we were in a 3 hour drive LDR. She ended up pregnant and tried to blame it on him, even though the timing didn't match. She tried getting him to take her to all her doctor's appointments and to lunch which he finally said "its not my baby, not my job." We got into a lot of fights when she'd call him to chat or whine to him to pick her up. When she had the baby in December we were at my parents' house for a long Xmas weekend and she texted him. Then, when we got back (we were living together by then with his parents), we were supposed to go to get my tragus pierced. His best friend came over that night and was hanging out with me wondering where he was too. Well, he straight out lied to me and said he was lending his camera to a friend from class. Four days later I was using his phone to joke with a friend that was with us, and discovered a text from his ex. He went to her place to "check on her, because having a baby is a big deal." I was devastated he lied so easily. He dropped me off at home to stew for 2 hours and rode around with the friend we were with. I found out later that night he thought I was going to leave him. The thought never crossed my mind, but I was livid at the time (btw: Baby is definitely not his, it is a carbon copy of the guy she used to cheat on him with/leave him for when they were together. She admitted it wasn't his also when he asked for a paternity test). She didn't contact him for about 1.5 years, then out of the blue texted him and asked how he was. I remembered her number, but he had deleted her from his phone. When he said he was marrying me in a few months, she quit talking to him for a couple more years, til he got on Facebook. He talks to her again, and I still don't like it even though we've been together for 6+ years and married for 3+ years. He works out with her mom on occasion, who is nice to me, and thinks nothing real nice of her daughter very often.

My hubby also said the "just friends" thing, but after her shady attempts to ruin things with us in that first year together, I still hated the idea. It took him awhile to earn my trust again. I know he was raised better than to cheat, but that lie broke my heart. He's since learned that I *will* figure things out so he's better off not lying about things and rather talking things out with me instead. I've gotten a little better at him being friends with his ex, only because every now and again he'll throw a little "jab" in a conversation to make her realize what I have/what she lost/what he gained.

I think it's a very very very big red flag that your fiance was disguising his ex's name in his phone as a guy!! That shows intentional covering up and a big trust breaker. Being upfront with you about remaining friends with her would have been a much better route for him. By sneaking around, it shows he knows hes doing something wrong, and is knowingly trying to deceive you.

I hope after your talk things will get better and there'll be no more situations like this.

Honey, I'm so sorry you're going thru this.
As others have said, there are so many red flags here. I don't believe this "ex" was ever really an "ex". The fact that Kyle lied and schemed and totally disregarded your feelings is absolutely unacceptable.
The fact that the "ex" got so upset when he called her tells me that this is more than just a friendship.
Trust is a crucial component in a relationship; once it's been broken, it may never be 100% again.
When you're in love, engaged, planning your wedding, there should be no dramas over an "ex"; that all should have been settled ages ago.
Your gut is telling you things you really don't want to know. I assume you are mature enough to know that a guy can be just friends with a former girlfriend. The fact that you don't want him to even be friends with her is your little inner voice telling you there's something more going on.
Only you can decide if he's being honest with you now, so I'm not about to say you should break up with him. I will say that if you can't trust him, you have nothing on which to build a future. You're young, you're a wonderful person, and you deserve someone who will treasure you.
Best of luck getting this mess straightened out. You're going to have to use your head and your gut, not your heart, to tell you what to do

I'm taking this a step further.

If this situation had happened to your sister or best friend, what would your advice be to her? Now be absolutely honest about your answer. Remember, this IS your sister or your best friend.

Yeah, this whole thing is weird. Your fiance must know about her marriage and the fact that she is not suppose to have male friends, yet he doesn't respect that? If he REALLY loves you, he would never have hid the truth from you and if he had any sense in his brain, he would leave a married woman alone, especially knowing the culture she married into.

No one here can make you leave him but if I were you, I'd keep a very, very close eye on him. Since you're not married yet, I see no harm in giving him a second chance but if you catch him talking to her secretly or have ANY doubts about his faithfulness to you, I say tell him "Buh Bye" and go find someone you CAN trust.

Love can take hold of you very easily and make the truth hurt a million times worse but don't let love win over your dignity and self respect. The pain of walking away from someone you thought you could trust is a lot less intense than the pain of marrying someone who doesn't love you enough to be devoted to you 100%.

I'm afraid I have to agree with everyone else, even after reading that you and he had that talk and he called his ex. That doesn't sound to me like a friend reacting, it sounds like a mistress. Furthermore, the fact that he hid her number in his phone under a male name... it speaks of bad things to come in the future.

I think at this point, if you want to stay together, some counseling might be a good idea- if you can do it through your church, even better, since that's usually free or low-cost and it is faith-based (and that's just my opinion, so if you're not that kind of person feel free to disregard it )

Otherwise... it might be best to let go and suffer now as opposed to let go when it's much, much harder and suffer way, way more.