What to do about my mother?

jennyr

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My mother, who is 97, is amazing for her age. She has been staying with me here in France for two months and really enjoying herself. Normally she lives in an annexe flat attached to my sister's house in the UK, and is due to go back there next week.

But she doesn't want to go back. She gives two reasons, which are connected. First, when she is in her flat she rarely goes out and has no friends, as they are all dead. She goes to see my father once a week in his care home, but he does not know her any more and she finds it depressing, though he is well looked after. My sister is out much of the time and my mother is really alone and very bored as her mind is still very active even though her legs and back mean she can't walk very far.

Second, she is worried about me. Since she has been here she insists on trying to help me by doing the ironing and occasional cooking, but gets very tired after 30 minutes or so. She will not stop trying, whatever I say or do. She says the work here is too much for me and she must 'help'. BAsically she is looking for a role in life again, but it is too much for her. This week she has already spent one complete day in bed, absolutely exhausted, and she has just told me she is too tired to eat lunch and has retired to her room for a nap, after an hour of ironing sheets while I was working in the garden.

My sister would like her to come back, I would like my space again, and I think she is killing herself. But she broke down this morning saying she must stay with me through the summer when I have my busiest time with the cottage rentals and the garden.

I don't know what to do. Half of me says it is better for her to feel useful even if it makes her so tired she has to spend some days in bed, half thinks she should go back to the UK and I will try and tell my sister that she must spend more time with our Mum. It is so difficult not to offend her whatever I say, I am in a real dilemma.
 

rosiemac

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If l were in your situation l would let her enjoy what time she has left with me in France. Bless her, she does sound lonely back home, so it sounds like she's been given a new lease of life for the short time she's been with you.
 

yosemite

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I agree with Susan. My mom was the same. She lived with us and because I worked full time she felt she had to help me. Many times I told her she didn't really have to do anything but in reality she needed to feel needed and wanted so I just let her do what she wanted and if she tired, just let her rest.

It sounds as though she really wants to stay with you and as long as she has enough sense to rest when she needs to, I wouldn't worry.
 

capt_jordi

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I agree with what the others have said! Also is there a small task that she could do that wouldnt wear her out, but you could stress how its something you never have time to do?
 

gloriajh

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I vote for no regrets - maybe some sort of compromise could be worked out.


My mom passed 13 years ago, at the young age of 76, my dad is still with us at 91, re-married and active.

There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of her, I have some regrets, but no memories of her crying and asking something of me that I didn't think I was able to provide.

From what you've written, I think you already had your answer before you posed the question - you're blessed to still have your mother with you.
 

larussa

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Even tho she gets tired quickly, let her help you. Keeping busy or helping out is what is keeping your Mom alive. So let her stay and 'help' you and make sure you let her know she is helping you. It will give her more of a reason to live and enjoy life. As we get older, we need to know we are needed.
 

natalie_ca

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My Mom died in 1978 when I was 15 years old. I would give anything to be able to have some more time with her.

We tend to take our parents for granted and don't realize it until they are gone.

Your Mom is 97 years old and doesn't have much more time left. She sounds very spry, but she is reaching the end of her life.

You're her daughter and she loves you and obviously misses you and sounds so lonely where she is living with your sister.

If you have the room and the means, my vote is to let her live the rest of her life with you, so that you can have those memories to draw on in future years.
 

bastetservant

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I have to agree with everyone else. I think you will regret it later if you don't acquiesce to her wishes. She deserves to get what her heart most desires at this point.

Give her some less tiring chores to do, like shelling peas or something. Ironing is darn hard work.

My mother is 83, and though she lives on her own, there are a lot of things I do for her. It is not convenient for me, sometimes it is an imposition. But, I can do it, and I do, cheerfully (usually
) because it is the right thing to do, and I owe her. And someday, I hope someone helps me when I need it.

It is wonderful that you have a chance to make her happy this way.

Robin
 

swampwitch

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If you get along with her and want your mom around, maybe a compromise is the way to go. When you are super-busy at home (like summers), she stays with your sister, but when you have time she stays with you - maybe half and half.

I don't have a normal mother and I really truly would kill myself before she would come live with me (NEVER EVER gonna happen), but speaking as a mother, I would want what is best for my child. Making my life worthwhile would be MY task, not hers. I might be off-base here but it sounds like she's using some guilt to try to get her way.

Other options:

1) give your mom some grandbabies, that'll keep her busy

2) introduce her to the internet, it's a real time-burner


Seriously, maybe some audio books would occupy her time, or an iPad with some cool software.
 

katachtig

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I lost my mother a year ago so I know that time is precious.

Is there anyway she could do some hostessing duties? It might not tire her so much as the physical labor. And the socialization would keep her mentally going.
 

milk maid

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I agree with everyone else, there is nothing worse for someone elderly than to feel lonley and useless. When she is over here with you she gets to see people and feels she has something to give. I think you should let her stay, but put down a few ground rules, she must not over do it, give her the odd little job to do that wont tire her out. And by the way there is nothing wrong with an afternoon nap I often have one
its called a siesta
 

bellaandme

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Bless her heart!! I think at her age she should be able to do whatever she wants to do. If she's happier with you and wants to spend her final days in your home then I think her wishes should be granted. Don't be worried right now about offending your sister--it should be about your mom's happiness. Your sister understands that, hopefully. Good luck, you're both lucky to have each other
 
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jennyr

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Don't get me wrong - my main concern is for her, and how to stop her doing things. I can't be in the house all the time and she finds things to do, then is too tired to get up the next day. Her legs are very painful and she can only walk a short distance. But she stands up for an hour or more to iron all my guest sheets for me! She doesn't speak any French so her options to speak to people are limited. But she loves the animals, especially Tasha, though they tire her too with their demands for attention. I am worried because during her stay she has gradually slept more and more during hte day - I often find her asleep on the sofa when I come in, and she is going to bed earlier and getting up later as the weeks go on. But she is enjoying herself and definitely does not want to go home.
 

rapunzel47

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I'm going to vote with the others, Jenny. Time is precious and if hers is happier spent with you, then so be it. We had my Dad with us for a number of years, and as long as he was able to help and feel "involved" he was happy as a clam. They were good years.
 

gloriajh

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Originally Posted by jennyranson

Don't get me wrong - my main concern is for her, and how to stop her doing things. I can't be in the house all the time and she finds things to do, then is too tired to get up the next day. Her legs are very painful and she can only walk a short distance. But she stands up for an hour or more to iron all my guest sheets for me! She doesn't speak any French so her options to speak to people are limited. But she loves the animals, especially Tasha, though they tire her too with their demands for attention. I am worried because during her stay she has gradually slept more and more during hte day - I often find her asleep on the sofa when I come in, and she is going to bed earlier and getting up later as the weeks go on. But she is enjoying herself and definitely does not want to go home.

So, as a person ages they do need/require more Power Naps. I'm only in the 60+ age group, and find my energy batteries are no where near what they were even 10 years ago.

Now, when you talk of her love for your animals, that is worth soooo much - they are getting attention while you're gone - even if she is taking a Power Nap.


Ironing: I imagine that she doesn't like sitting while she irons?

Aches & Pains - yep - days that are full for me, like moving furniture, working in the yard --- well, I usually pay the next day with aches and pains - seems to be a normal way of things and since I'm aware of the consequences I know where my pain killers are.


One of the main issues in the elderly is depression. Depression leads to physical issues. Sometime people sleep more when they're depressed. If she is depressed, then her quality of life seems to rely on her being able to stay with you and your furbabies.

You're a wonderful daughter!
 

kittymom4

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I say if you have the room then let her stay. Maybe she's spent so much time with your sister that she misses spending time with you and she wants to know you and see you as she is getting on in years.

You said she doesn't know much French so giving her some lessons on audio would be a way to engage her mind and make her feel more at home.

I agree to that maybe you have to come to an agreement. Tell her she can stay through the end of the summer and help, but you love her and are concerned for her.

The added activity is good for her though - as she does more I bet she gets less tired. Give her specific things she can do that way you are both happy. She can do things like fold laundry instead of iron laundry - it's less physical as she can sit, it's still helpful to you so she is needed and you both win. I bet you come up with all kinds of task for her to do like that. Make up the weekly shopping list for you? Think about what you would ask of a small child and I'll bet she can handle them no problem.
 

rosiemac

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Originally Posted by jennyranson

I am worried because during her stay she has gradually slept more and more during hte day - I often find her asleep on the sofa when I come in, and she is going to bed earlier and getting up later as the weeks go on. But she is enjoying herself and definitely does not want to go home.
Are you worried incase something happens while she's out there?.
 
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jennyr

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Well, we have discussed our worries and I have also talked to my sister. My mother is going home this Friday as previously arranged, for a month or so to rest and to visit my father and see some others in the family. At the moment July is still a bit quiet for me with rentals so I was able to tell her that I could cope well on my own. Then, all being well, she will come back at the beginning of August and stay through to October, when I will take her back so we can both attend my niece's wedding. August and September are going to be busy here, so she can do some things, like ironing, to help. She is happy with that arrangement, and came up with the formula herself. It will give me some time on my own too, to spend with the animals and be relaxed. So we all benefit.
 
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