Please I need advice. No idea what to do.

So heres the thing. This guy Tony who is also my best friends brother and I have flirted back and forth for quite a while now. Even hooked up a couple times. But the last time we hooked up condom broke and now Im expecting.



Now heres where it gets BAD. Tony is married. I just found out. So now I dont know what to do. I mean his sister is my best friend. I mean like oldest bestest and most truest friend. We go back a long time. I tell her everything. She knows Im pregnant but does not that it is Tonys. 100percent sure of paternity. No one else it could be. But do I tell Chrissy? In hopes of his wife hearing? They also just had a baby a couple months ago. They have a family! And now I feel like a darned homewrecker! If it were the other way around I would want to know what my husband was up to. But do I go through Chrissy or try to contact his wife on my own?



I really dont know what to do.

So mr "tony" knows about their new parenhood?.... did you told him?

I havent told him yet.I was trying to find cute ways to tell him when I found out hes married and has a newborn

Being the father, Tony should know and you do not have to tell anyone else. Both of you can then decide what to do.

Originally Posted by TinkerMiss

I havent told him yet.I was trying to find cute ways to tell him when I found out hes married and has a newborn

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There IS no cute way to tell him; this is not a cute situation, but a very messy one. Take him aside and tell him. He needs to know and you both have decisions to make.

Originally Posted by sk_pacer

There IS no cute way to tell him; this is not a cute situation, but a very messy one. Take him aside and tell him. He needs to know and you both have decisions to make.

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I agree with this advice 100%
He needs to know and you both need to make a decision.

I'm sorry this is happening to you.

Don't get your sister in the middle of this. This is between you and him.

You need to talk to him (not his wife) and tell him that you are pregnant, and that the baby is his and that you expect him to step up to the plate and be a responsible father to the child.

Don't be surprised if he denies it. He is married and was cheating on his wife. Of course he will deny it because he doesn't want to be caught. You are no longer just a "fun fling" that he can discard. You've now become a liability because you are carrying his kid and that ties you to him for the rest of his life, and now his affair will be out in the open.

So what if he and his wife just had a baby. That isn't your problem. You have your own problem right now and that is you have a baby on the way that you are going to be a single parent too. And that isn't easy, either physically or financially.

Once you have told him, you need to retain a lawyer and have a proper child custody agreement drawn up where it states how much money he will be paying you to help support this child. And I'm serious! You need to get it done by a lawyer and made legal in the courts so that he can't back out of it and leave you both high and dry, which he will do otherwise.

So far as his wife is concerned, her finding out is entirely up to him. Unfortunately she will be hurt, but again, that's not on you. He is the one who stepped out of his marriage.

Originally Posted by Natalie_ca

I'm sorry this is happening to you.

Don't get your sister in the middle of this. This is between you and him.

You need to talk to him (not his wife) and tell him that you are pregnant, and that the baby is his and that you expect him to step up to the plate and be a responsible father to the child.

Don't be surprised if he denies it. He is married and was cheating on his wife. Of course he will deny it because he doesn't want to be caught. You are no longer just a "fun fling" that he can discard. You've now become a liability because you are carrying his kid and that ties you to him for the rest of his life, and now his affair will be out in the open.

So what if he and his wife just had a baby. That isn't your problem. You have your own problem right now and that is you have a baby on the way that you are going to be a single parent too. And that isn't easy, either physically or financially.

Once you have told him, you need to retain a lawyer and have a proper child custody agreement drawn up where it states how much money he will be paying you to help support this child. And I'm serious! You need to get it done by a lawyer and made legal in the courts so that he can't back out of it and leave you both high and dry, which he will do otherwise.

So far as his wife is concerned, her finding out is entirely up to him. Unfortunately she will be hurt, but again, that's not on you. He is the one who stepped out of his marriage.

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Thank you.

as for the NO cute way to tell him. You have to realize I was going to be cute about it until I found hes married. I know there is no cute way of telling him now. In fact im about to get ugly with him. and you can be sure his %?& will be taken to court for support.

Originally Posted by Natalie_ca

I'm sorry this is happening to you.

Don't get your sister in the middle of this. This is between you and him.

You need to talk to him (not his wife) and tell him that you are pregnant, and that the baby is his and that you expect him to step up to the plate and be a responsible father to the child.

Don't be surprised if he denies it. He is married and was cheating on his wife. Of course he will deny it because he doesn't want to be caught. You are no longer just a "fun fling" that he can discard. You've now become a liability because you are carrying his kid and that ties you to him for the rest of his life, and now his affair will be out in the open.

So what if he and his wife just had a baby. That isn't your problem. You have your own problem right now and that is you have a baby on the way that you are going to be a single parent too. And that isn't easy, either physically or financially.

Once you have told him, you need to retain a lawyer and have a proper child custody agreement drawn up where it states how much money he will be paying you to help support this child. And I'm serious! You need to get it done by a lawyer and made legal in the courts so that he can't back out of it and leave you both high and dry, which he will do otherwise.

So far as his wife is concerned, her finding out is entirely up to him. Unfortunately she will be hurt, but again, that's not on you. He is the one who stepped out of his marriage.

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I agree with this 100%.

I agree he is accountable and needs to be told and both of you need to make some decisions. I'm sorry your having to go through this. I would not get his sister involved she will find out in due time. Your good friends with her for many years yet did not know Her brother was married?

Originally Posted by gardenandcats

I agree he is accountable and needs to be told and both of you need to make some decisions. I'm sorry your having to go through this. I would not get his sister involved she will find out in due time. Your good friends with her for many years yet did not know Her brother was married?

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Just what I was thinking! And you didn't tell your oldest friend that you were interested in her brother??

Hope it all works out for you.

Chrissy and Tony have not talked to each other in a while. Its strange yet plausible that she didnt know herself. I found out through my brother.

And Chrissy knew about Tony and I in the past but not about recent.

Originally Posted by Natalie_ca

I'm sorry this is happening to you.

Don't get your sister in the middle of this. This is between you and him.

You need to talk to him (not his wife) and tell him that you are pregnant, and that the baby is his and that you expect him to step up to the plate and be a responsible father to the child.

Don't be surprised if he denies it. He is married and was cheating on his wife. Of course he will deny it because he doesn't want to be caught. You are no longer just a "fun fling" that he can discard. You've now become a liability because you are carrying his kid and that ties you to him for the rest of his life, and now his affair will be out in the open.

So what if he and his wife just had a baby. That isn't your problem. You have your own problem right now and that is you have a baby on the way that you are going to be a single parent too. And that isn't easy, either physically or financially.

Once you have told him, you need to retain a lawyer and have a proper child custody agreement drawn up where it states how much money he will be paying you to help support this child. And I'm serious! You need to get it done by a lawyer and made legal in the courts so that he can't back out of it and leave you both high and dry, which he will do otherwise.

So far as his wife is concerned, her finding out is entirely up to him. Unfortunately she will be hurt, but again, that's not on you. He is the one who stepped out of his marriage.

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This, this, this. Natalie_ca could not be more right. He cheated on his wife, you got pregnant as a result, it's time for him to step up and do what's right.

Originally Posted by Natalie_ca

I'm sorry this is happening to you.

Don't get your sister in the middle of this. This is between you and him.

You need to talk to him (not his wife) and tell him that you are pregnant, and that the baby is his and that you expect him to step up to the plate and be a responsible father to the child.

Don't be surprised if he denies it. He is married and was cheating on his wife. Of course he will deny it because he doesn't want to be caught. You are no longer just a "fun fling" that he can discard. You've now become a liability because you are carrying his kid and that ties you to him for the rest of his life, and now his affair will be out in the open.

So what if he and his wife just had a baby. That isn't your problem. You have your own problem right now and that is you have a baby on the way that you are going to be a single parent too. And that isn't easy, either physically or financially.

Once you have told him, you need to retain a lawyer and have a proper child custody agreement drawn up where it states how much money he will be paying you to help support this child. And I'm serious! You need to get it done by a lawyer and made legal in the courts so that he can't back out of it and leave you both high and dry, which he will do otherwise.

So far as his wife is concerned, her finding out is entirely up to him. Unfortunately she will be hurt, but again, that's not on you. He is the one who stepped out of his marriage.

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I agree 100%

Originally Posted by mbjerkness

I agree 100%

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Thank you!

Before I went into nursing I worked as a paralegal and did a great deal of family law. I've encountered a number of similar situations. All were messy because the guy is literally backed into a corner with his world (aka marriage) collapsing around him.

Having an affair is one thing. It's easy to deny because unless there are witnesses and photos etc, it's really one person's word against another's. A lot of wives bury their head in the sand when their husband says "Trust me! It isn't true! I love you and would never cheat on you!" etc etc.

However, when a child comes into the mix, deniability is gone because all it takes is one little DNA test to prove who the daddy is.

The reality for him is this: He's had an affair and his wife finds out. Sure they could work through it and maybe have the marriage survive. But a wife isn't going to be too happy about a child with her husband's mistress, especially when she finds out that it happened while she herself was pregnant. So lets say that she leaves him. Marital property (including pension) is usually split 50/50. Then there is child support for his child(ren), and maybe even alimony depending on local laws. That's a huge amount of money. Now add to that another child that he needs to support.

He's going to do everything he can to deny paternity to his mistress's child because he would potentially be taking a huge financial hit. So this is why legal representation is an absolute must in order to protect the child's interests.

Now of course there might be the remote possibility where he will do the right thing and arrange with his lawyer for a child support agreement himself. But that possibility is very remote because again, he would have to account to his wife for this shortage of money every month, which means that he has to own up to having had an affair and a child outside of his marriage.

Either way, his wife is going to find out, whether it's because he volunteers up the information, or because he has been served with child support documents and is pushed into telling her.

Remember, his wife is innocent in this. The only crime against her is that she has bad taste in men!

Originally Posted by sarahp

Just what I was thinking! And you didn't tell your oldest friend that you were interested in her brother??

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I didn't tell my best friend I was interested in her brother But then again I was 15 or 16 at the time. She found out after I asked him out and he turned me down because I was his sister's best friend.

If his sister was truely your 'bestest friend' she would have told you he was married. No ifs ands or buts.

How long were you with this guy? It sounds like you obviously didn't know him well enough and therefor shouldn't have been sleeping with him. And especially if you didnt have a back-up plan/better plan for birth control.

I would immediately let the wife know what is going on. It will at least show her that you are trying to be responsible, because if you let her know through the grapevine, she is going to hate your guts and you will have no one on your side with this.

Also, yes, like Natalie_ca said, tell Tony first. Then get a lawyer and set up custody and payment and all that fun stuff.

Originally Posted by Natalie_ca

I'm sorry this is happening to you.

Don't get your sister in the middle of this. This is between you and him.

You need to talk to him (not his wife) and tell him that you are pregnant, and that the baby is his and that you expect him to step up to the plate and be a responsible father to the child.

Don't be surprised if he denies it. He is married and was cheating on his wife. Of course he will deny it because he doesn't want to be caught. You are no longer just a "fun fling" that he can discard. You've now become a liability because you are carrying his kid and that ties you to him for the rest of his life, and now his affair will be out in the open.

So what if he and his wife just had a baby. That isn't your problem. You have your own problem right now and that is you have a baby on the way that you are going to be a single parent too. And that isn't easy, either physically or financially.

Once you have told him, you need to retain a lawyer and have a proper child custody agreement drawn up where it states how much money he will be paying you to help support this child. And I'm serious! You need to get it done by a lawyer and made legal in the courts so that he can't back out of it and leave you both high and dry, which he will do otherwise.

So far as his wife is concerned, her finding out is entirely up to him. Unfortunately she will be hurt, but again, that's not on you. He is the one who stepped out of his marriage.

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I couldn't agree more! Linda has offered you some very good advice.

I'll keep you in my prayers that everything works out for you. Stick to your guns and stay strong! You'll make it

Without knowing you, or your situation all I can do is offer you some advice without passing any judgement on your personal choices. It sounds like you've already been offered some good advice that I would follow myself.

First, I would take some stock of your friends and your involvements - taking a good look at who is involved in your life - and soon your child's live, will allow you to make better choices in the future.

Secondly, I truly am sorry if you have found yourself in this situation with a man you didn't know was married. To that end, you need to resolve the situation with HIM and HIM alone. The sister and the wife sadly are extra characters in this - at least initially. You will have to deal with them, the wife especially, quite a bit in the future I would expect.

I would also have a lawyer involved in this from the start. As advised by someone else, you don't know how the situation between the father and the wife will play out and your concern is financial security for your child. In no way should you put any trust in this man again if he truly betrayed you in this manor once. Given the chance, I would expect him to do it again when under such enormous stress if it was so easy for him to lie before.

Best of luck to you.

Linda (Natalie_ca) has covered it all beautifully. I just want to urge you not to contact the wife until you're absolutely certain her husband has told her about the situation. And even then, I suggest you not call her, but write to her -- because if you speak to her in person or on the phone, it will almost certainly degenerate into an argument. Just write her a brief note, saying only that you were unaware of their marriage, and you're truly sorry that this has happened. That's all she needs to hear from you.