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Soon to Be Divorced!!!

post #1 of 13
Thread Starter 
After two years of marriage and three more of separation, I will be divorced in the next couple of weeks. My feelings of failure to keep the marriage has long been gone. I feel free. Do not make the same mistake as I did. See, I met my husband at church gathering. A month after, we married. I didn't really get to know him until after we were married. I really don't know why I married him right away. I suppose its spur of the moment. I thought him to be a nice gentleman who will love and care for me. I was hoping to be a homemaker and not work. Well, my husband has been raised to have the women in his life(mother, sisters,etc) to cook for the men. I haven't. My mother was a modern woman who went to college and has a career. She does little cooking and little cleaning. She has the help of her husband and my brother and sister. Most men in mexico are in the old traditional ways. The women stay at home to care for the children, cook the meals, and keep the house clean. And here in the USA, the women do all that AND get a full time job to help with the bills. My inlaws and all my mexican friends know how to cook so by the time the men came home from work, the meal was hot and ready to serve.
I found my husband to be a bad-tempered man. He was very impatient with me. He would always complained about everything I did. His brothers and sisters made fun of me because I was not raised like them. I was the butt of hteir gossip. I had my husband tell me several times that I was good for nothing. He never hit me but he did call me names which is just as bad. He usually blamed me for things that happen to him. Like the time that I was three months pregnant. It was a hot July. We took my nieces and nephews to an amusement park. I took a nap before the trip but the combination of the heat of the day and my pregnancy took their toll and I fell asleep during the 30 minute trip. I was awaken when the police stopped us because my husband was speeding.
He was taken to jail on a suspended license. He was released with the help of one of his older sisters. He blamed me for it. Told me if I haven't fallen asleep, that it wouldn't have happen. I wanted to leave many times. But being a young, unemployed woman, there was no place for me to go. I also stayed because being a Christian woman and being married in a religious ceremony, I did not want to be divorced. My husband dosen't drink, but he did have a very bad temper that I told him he needs to deal with. I tried to keep the marriage alive. He wouldn't go to counseling with me. Many people believe he used me because he was an illegal alien. I was a U.s citizen and my parents(mother and stepdad) had a good income. People thought my husband was after me because he thought me being a us citizen and speaks english, that I could get a good job. He did complain to me about not getting a high paying job. How most illegals can get jobs right away. Well. most of the illegals look for jobs nobody else wants such as working in labor, housekeeping in hotels, and other places were there is low paying jobs. The jobs he thought I'd get were more demanding and only those with a good college education and good credits can get good jobs. My husband denied he used me to get legal because we got married in a religious ceremony and because we had two kids together. My husband expected me to cook, clean,a nd work at the same time. And to move at a rapid pace. I put up with it because I thought things will work out fine. But after two years, it was he who finally said it was time to split up. I agreed that he have the kids and I see them on weekends. I love my children dearly but I realize I am emotionally unstable and need to cope with the divorce. I also need to finish school and find a good job. He has more support than I do. I only have my mother and she can only help a little. Her husband hates kids and she can't watch them. On the other hand, my husband has his whole family here and a sister watches my children while he goes to work. I am going to therpay. I would also like to go to group therapy and help for single and divorced parents. I will have to pay the child support. But he is paying more than I do. And he has a heart condition(an artificial valve disease) But it will soon be over. I already found someone who i believe is my soulmate. I met him in december and he is really supportive of me. He always buys things for me(something my husband never did. He got mad at me even when I buy clothes). My boyfriend gives me money to spend. He loves my children and my children love him. Sorry this thread is so long but the story of my marriage is longer and more complicated. So if anyone has a related story and how they dealt with them please, I need the info so that I can become a better woman. I want to see my kids more but I need to deal with my emotions. Kimberly is four and Armando is three. I have a hard time dealing with them when they fight over a toy. Or I cook something and no matter what I tell them, they won't eat. Or not making them cry. Like if they do something I sent them to their rooms they cry and I feel very bad. I also feel bad when sometimes I leave them with their father and they cry because they want to be with me. Does anyone have alternatives to spanking?
post #2 of 13
Oh, Nena, it sounds like you've had such a hard time. I'm so sorry you've had to go through this. I've been fairly lucky in my marriage, so I don't have much advice there. But I want to reassure you that it's not wrong that you get upset with your kids when they're being naughty. All mothers do. It is frustrating when they won't eat what you've made or wear the clothes that you've picked, or sass you, or lie to you. My kids do naughty things all the time because they're normal. I'm a fairly strict parent. I believe in spanking. I also believe that children must obey their parents, no ifs, ands, or buts. My children are 2 and 4, and there have been many nights where they go to be hungry because they refuse to eat what I've made. I try to let them pick what they want to wear, because that's easy and it makes them happy. I cannot tolerate bad behavior in public places, so my children understand how to behave in restaurants and stores. I also don't tolerate sassing and ugliness.

But, let me tell you, there have been times when they have just taken me to the limit and I have completely lost my patience with them. I can yell and scream with the best of them. But most mothers lose their patience once in a while. Don't feel like you're alone and not a good mother.

As to alternatives to spanking, time outs work with some children. So do taking away privileges, such as TV. Or if they're misbehaving in public, you can always leave (which is pretty effective if you're at Burger King, but not so effective if you're at the grocery store!). You might want to go to the public library and check out some books on parenting and see what style fits your personality best.

My prayers will be with you.
post #3 of 13
After reading that, all I can say is "Happy Independence Day Early!" Take care sweetie, and it looks like you have a good attitude
post #4 of 13
Dear Nena,

I just wanted to give you some support in the area of your kids. I am a divorced mother of 2 also. My kids live primarily with their father, as well. I just don't want you to think you are a bad mother because of this. Many people will try to judge you in that way. But if you are unemployed, etc., it might be in their best interest to be with their father. I got the point that he was a rotten husband. Is he at least a good father? Mine is. He makes a good deal of money, so my kids get to live in a nice house, etc. My ex's family all lives here, and they still have those ties and relationships too. I can relate to what you are going through. I had a rough time of it financially for a few years, as I paid child support, too. Has a judge set an amount that you can handle? I also carried with me a lot of debt that we incured together, yet it was on credit cards that were in my name. It was a rough few years, to be sure, but things are a lot better now. Just don't give up through the rough times. Better times are yet to come.
post #5 of 13
Nena, I am glad that you are reaching the final movement, so to speak. I have a friend who met a woman at church and married her within 3 months! Well, they divorced inside of 6 months and since he works for Reel to Reel Ministries (a video production company who produces christian videos-VERY good ones too, but then again Erik has always had that magic touch) he is not allowed to ever marry again. At least thats what he believes. I certainly don't agree with that, but to each their own. He too learned the mistake of marrying fast and at the reception when she said "When I saw Erik, I saw God", I knew it was doomed. God isn't enough by itself to make a marriage work.

I'm sorry you had to go thru such an ordeal and learn this lesson in such a hard way. I hope that your future will be a brighter and happier one.
post #6 of 13
Nena, I'm afraid I have no parenting advice to share. Just wanted to say that you are in my thoughts. My parents are divorced and I know it's not easy. Even the "best" divorce are stressful so take it easy on yourself and don't be too critical about anything. Sounds to me like you have some good ideas there, like seeking support groups and trying to learn new ways to deal with the situation.

We're here for you if you want to share more of your thoughts and dilemmas!
post #7 of 13
Nena.... I don't have any parenting advice either...since I have never had a child.....but I am so glad to hear you are getting out of a bad marriage, and have already found someone who treats you so good!!!! Please keep us informed on how it goes!!! My prayers are with you!!!!!!
post #8 of 13

First of all I want to let Deb25 that we are in the same "Mother's Without Custody" Club and I commend her for her courage as well.

My daughter Amy, who is now 25, went to live with my ex-husband and his wife when she was 5 years old. It was not a custody battle, nor was it a judgement of the court. It was me making the decision in the best interest of my child. My ex-husband had re-married (to a real witch as far as I'm concerned, but she adored my daughter) and made far much more money than I could ever make. They lived in a house out in the country and Amy went to a private school. When she was living with me, she ate macaroni and butter almost every night and her clothes were bought at a secondhand store. This was a decision that was carefully thought out, not something on a whim. And I didn't do it because I wanted the freedom to play the field. It took me over a year before I signed the papers which included weekly counseling. I never told my family what I was going to do because I knew that they would either try to discourage me or never speak to me again. My father stopped speaking to me for over 3 months because he said that his mother abandoned him and I was doing the same to her. In the end and to this day, it was the best decision I have made and the hardest. My father finally admitted that I did what was best and he apologized. I knew in my heart I was doing the right thing, because I knew Amy would have a better life. And she did. The rest of my family was of the old theory that a child belongs with her mother.

****** The day the papers were signed, I didn't have the money to have legal representation, so I let my ex-husband's lawyer do all the work. BIG MISTAKE!!! I did bring my childhood friend Susan with me for support and as a witness. Peter and his wife Karen sat in that office and SWORE they would never deny me the right to see my child. It was a boldface LIE. One weekend before Christmas I was supposed to pick Amy up. Peter, who was having an affair with one of his co-workers (but that's an entirely different and LONG story) and was in violation of the custody agreement, was no where to be found. When I got there for my court appointed weekend visitation, Karen refused to let me even speak with Amy. Peter had moved out of the house leaving no address or phone number. When I knocked on the door, Karen opened it and said that she had no guarantee that I wouldn't keep Amy seeing as Peter was gone, and told me that she would tell my daughter I never showed up and didn't love her anymore, slamming the door in my face. My motherly instincts kicked in and so did my foot against the door. I could hear my daughter crying in the background how she wanted to see me. By then I couldn't be reasoned with. My friend (the one who went to the lawyer's office with me) was also there and convinced me to leave for the time being. I had a hole in my heart the size of Lake Erie. I just wanted to give you a little insight as to what kind of person she was and the angst I went through for over 13 years.

And yes, I also paid him child support. I went through all sorts of hassles with them. Not so much my ex, because we always basically got along. It was his wife that was the instigator. Peter and I could talk to each other, but the minute Karen entered the room, he clammed up. They kept hauling me into court for things like who was going to pay for her braces (the judge decided that I paid them enough money for them to cover the cost). I offered to take her to a dental school at almost half the cost of a regular orthodontist. They insisted on a more expensive local dentist. The judge ruled in my favor. They took me to court again because I wanted to keep her a little later than 6 p.m. on a Sunday so we could have a nice dinner together. He said no. Back to court we went. The judge told him they were being ridiculous. They bad mouthed me time and again and insisted that Amy call Karen "Mom" and me Mommy Donna. It pissed me off royally but I bit my tongue. Karen refused to let me speak with her on the telephone. Things they did sent my blood pressure soaring and my depression at an all-time low but still, I said nothing. My friends and family told me never to say anything bad about either one of them because she would eventually see the light. I knew that once she got older and saw how they treated me, she could see for herself what was going on. They were right. At times I was ready to relinquish my parental rights because I couldn't take the abuse anymore. But I knew if I did, her stepmonster would tell her that I abandoned her and didn't love her anymore. So I hung in there.

When she turned 16, she was diagnosed with a malignant brain tumor on her brain stem. Like it or not, we all had to put our heads together and do what was best for her. Which means we were thrown together by fate and it was not fun at all!! She has been in remission for over 8 years now. She is now 25 and I am so very proud of her. They can kiss my ass. On her 18th birthday, I wrote my last child support check with two farewell words in it. I'll leave it to your imagination, although they began with f and ended with u.

I'm sorry this post is so long, but there is a point. I always felt guilty telling people WHY Amy was with her father and not me. First, it was none of their business. I used to get these evil looks like I was a bad, abusive mother whose child was taken away from her. That was not the case. But society has a way of making you feel like :censor::censor::censor::censor:.

The point is...(finally) always be there for your children. Never, ever bad mouth their father in front of them as it will always come back to kick you in the teeth. No matter what kind of an SOB he is, they will eventually learn for themselves. Never give up, no matter how hopeless or outnumbered you feel. And above all, feel good about your decision. Know that you have your children's best interest at heart.

I wish you alot of luck and strength.

post #9 of 13

Just a word of support and encouragement from me as I read your story. Only one who has been there can truly realize the pain involved. I agree in spades with your words about a good decision, although the hardest one I ever made. My kids wouldn't have had anywhere near what they do if I had taken custody. Even getting child support from him could not have made up the difference.

More agreement on the issue of never badmouthing the father. I learned that one from my own mother. She badmouthed the hell out of my father. It has damaged our relationship to this day. No matter what, I bite my tongue till it bleeds if I have to.

My ex came out smelling like a rose. Single father with kids is a better "chick magnet" than walking a puppy in the park. He's the saint, and I'm not. I long ago came to accept that view from everyone. Fortunately the only person I have to be able to face is the one in the mirror each morning. I know I did right for my kids no matter what anyone else thinks, believes, or judges.
post #10 of 13
wow. this is some heavy stuff. I don't have any experience with any of this, but I wanted to applaud both of you. I teared up reading your posts. While I can't understand the depth of pain & frustration, I can understand the selflessness of putting your childern first, no matter what the cost is to yourself. and while some may not see it that way, I see it as the ultimate act of love.
post #11 of 13
I learned a lot by reading your posts on this subject. It must be very difficult and I applaud all your efforts to put your children first - in spite of your own longings and hurt. It is unexplainable at times the pain that parents must go through for the betterment of their children. Sometimes the best way we can show how much we love is to let go. You all made a difficult decision - but one out of love. Loss is never easy.
post #12 of 13
Wow.I'm so sorry for you! I'm getting married next April so I am definately paying attn. to details and signs! All I can say to you is my philosophy in life is you never know what's around the corner. Sometimes we have to go thru bad things to find good things. I get depressed just like anyone but I guess it's my short attn. span but I get bored of being depressed and sad. And for the times I just can't shake it, I remember how BORING it is to me and I keep real busy. I know it sounds silly but it works for me.
And think about this, Maybe if you didn't marry this man, you might still meet the new guy, yet you might take him for granted b/c he's so nice. Marrying the ex was humbling. Am I right? And then the kids: who wouldn't want such wonderful little creatures. But it's normal after a divorce to have small little doubts of why did I have to bring these children into this world. Well, everything happens for a reason. Thes kids will let you know if your boyfriend is father material and good husband material.
Be strong!!! YOU are the boss of those kids. Don't feel bad for punishing! I used to tell my mom I HATED her. She would say,"Good I've done my job!" And you know what, I talk to her EVERYday for 2 hrs. She's my best friend! Good Luck!!
post #13 of 13
Deb25 and Donna.....your posts both really touched my heart, and I am so very sorry you have both had to indure what you have had to. Donna, the stepmonster sounds horrible!!! People like that give us stepmoms such a bad name. I can't imagine being so cruel to a child as to tell them that their mother didn't love them and was never coming back....that is horrible!
We don't have custody of my husbands kids...but he has them every weekend, and I have helped to raise them since Blake was 3 and Brooke was 9....they are 11 and 16 1/2 now. I never have bad mouthed their mother to them, and even though I don't always agree with some of the things she does, I think she is a wonderful mother, and a good person, and she and I get along pretty good. We have had our moments in the past, but for the most part...we get along fine. I wish Karen had been more like that, and treated you better, Donna. I'm sorry you had to go through that. You are such a good person, opinionated, yes,(openly...) but still a very very wonderful, kind, person, and we love you!
Thanks for the article on Rene you sent me by the way.
I hope everything works out okay for you, Nena...I will pray for you.
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