my future family in law- engagement ring drama

So, Kyle and I got engaged a few months ago, and he said he was giving me his grandmother's ring. I said I'd think about it, etc etc and I didn't want the ring just yet....
Well, after I thought about it and I said yes, he asked his grandmother who had promised him the ring, and she started being weird about the whole thing- first she said she would get it appraised and insured, which I was like okay whatever...

Then, she asked us to go to Kyle's sisters' play, who is an actress, and we couldn't make it. Since then she especially called Kyle to tell him to forget about the ring, and she has been slowly warming up to us again, but there has been no mention of her ring...
What makes me mad is the fact that she is just playing games with us, and she wants to control us. She wants it to be where if she says we have to go somewhere, we drop everything and we go.

Anyway, Kyle bought me a ring since then, but he got the wrong size and I haven't sized it yet, so she doesn't know it's an engagement ring because I wear it on my middle finger where it fits. It's really been a 'secret' between us lol, so she will most likely decide to give me her ring sometime soon as she warms up to us some more. She will be really hurt if we deny her ring, because I know it will be special to her if her favorite grandson uses her engagement ring. But at the same time, I feel like the ring symbolizes Kyle's promise to me, not her promise to me this is what has been upsetting me, the fact that she butts into this whole thing. Rather than saying, "here, Kyle take the ring, it's yours to give her" and staying out of it, she is being weird, trying to be the one who goes to appraise, insure and size it My mom jokingly said she is afraid I'll take her ring and take off with it....and then she indirectly puts conditions on it, as in she is saying if you do what I tell you you can have the ring but otherwise you can't...

Anyway, I'm trying hard to say no to her ring, because it's so beautiful and extremely expensive, I never would have dreamed of wearing a ring with that kind of price tag But really I refuse to be bribed with material things and controlled...

What do you think, what would you do???

Ugh, what a hassle! I'd say if she's going to be mean to you about it, tell her to stuff the ring somewhere impolite... but then again I am known for my quick temper, so maybe that wouldn't be a wise idea. Honestly, it's not his grandmother's choice what you and he do, so... yeah I just kind of get a bad feeling with her putting 'conditions' on it. Either you give it away with love or you keep it, imo!

Get the ring he gave you sized, forget keeping things a secret, and if she changes her attitude about it, Kyle can accept it with love and thanks, and then replace the real engagement ring for his grandmother's.

But I agree - either you give it away with love and happiness for the couple, or you don't offer it at all.

If she's offended that he didn't wait for her ring, he can avoid confrontation by saying he "sensed" she had reservations about it - it was a lovely and generous offer, but he didn't want to press the issue. That way he "takes the blame" and doesn't put it on her.

I would forget the whole mess and get the one he bought you sized. Obviously the woman has issues and why should you have to deal with it? You guys are starting your life together and it should be happy, not full of drama. At this point I would respectfully decline her ring, if she offers it again.

Congratulations on your engagement!!

Originally Posted by ut0pia

What do you think, what would you do???

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What would I do? I would have the ring that my sweetie bought me, resized, and proudly wear it on my left hand ring finger.

And then when that old grouchy grandmother ever decided to give it to me, I'd turn her down flat that tell her that you already have the ring that you want to wear, and that you think it's the most beautiful ring in the whole world and couldn't imagine wearing anything other.

Gooooooo Linda! My thoughts exactly!

Thanks guys! It makes me feel better that I'm not overreacting to this

No, you are NOT overreacting to this. And, honestly the beautiful, expensive ring will not be worth the "payback" your grandmother will be expecting from you if she gives you both that ring. Forget about it, and tell the family about your new ring and move on. Grandma should give the ring freely and willingly with no strings attached. Good luck and much happiness to you both

Honestly it sounds as though she is worried the ring will leave the family so it would probably be better for her to give it to a female blood relative to ensure it stays in the family in case, heaven forbid, you marriage ever failed. Having a husband ask for a separation after 32 years of marriage makes me aware that nothing is a sure thing.

I personally would wear the one your sweetheart bought for you and if she offers the other at a future date, I would actually refuse it. To accept it would probably mean that you would be beholden to his family for the safety of the ring.

Congratulations on your engagement. I think you should politely decline her ring. (I admit, that's not exactly the way I would handle it, but the right thing to do in the interest of family peace.) After the stunt she pulled, I wouldn't want it. It sounds like she would be throwing that ring up in your face every time she something doesn't go her way.

Originally Posted by nurseangel

It sounds like she would be throwing that ring up in your face every time she something doesn't go her way.

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Ut0pia, I only know you from your posts, and I don't know your boyfriend's family at all, but I *have* known people who use gifts to control others. For that reason, if I were in your shoes, I'd pass on the ring, as lovely as it may be.

A gift with strings, isn't really a gift. proudly wear the ring your sweetie gave you

Originally Posted by nurseangel

It sounds like she would be throwing that ring up in your face every time she something doesn't go her way.

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Agreed.

Not to mention, getting your ring when you get engaged is part of the fun! How dare his grandmother spoil that experience for you just to hang her ring over your head as a way of manipulation.

Wear the ring he bought you & if she gets upset, tell her YOU were the one upset because you feel she slighted you out of an experience you deserved & should have had.

If you give in to her she will manipulate you from here on out. Take it from someone who had in laws from hell. They ruined my marriage

I agree that Grandma may be afraid the ring may leave the family. I also agree that it sounds as if she's being manipulative.

Wear the ring Kyle bought you---get it sized and wear it on your ring finger. If Grandma still wants to give the ring to Kyle, she will. Personally, I'd feel weird wearing someone else's ring as "my" engagement or wedding ring. If someone were to give me their ring, I would probably wear it on my right hand; I'd want my wedding ring to be MINE. (did that make any sense? )

Congratulations on your engagement! I hope this is the only in-law drama you encounter (but don't count on it )

Originally Posted by Yosemite

Honestly it sounds as though she is worried the ring will leave the family so it would probably be better for her to give it to a female blood relative to ensure it stays in the family in case, heaven forbid, you marriage ever failed. Having a husband ask for a separation after 32 years of marriage makes me aware that nothing is a sure thing.

I personally would wear the one your sweetheart bought for you and if she offers the other at a future date, I would actually refuse it. To accept it would probably mean that you would be beholden to his family for the safety of the ring.

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I haven't finished reading the rest of the replys yet, but I absolutely agree with this.

Since then she especially called Kyle to tell him to forget about the ring, and she has been slowly warming up to us again, but there has been no mention of her ring...

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She said to forget about the ring, so forget about it. You are off the hook.

Grandma's a control freak, eh? I'd take away her "power" and listen to the advice of these folks...

Originally Posted by Natalie_ca

What would I do? I would have the ring that my sweetie bought me, resized, and proudly wear it on my left hand ring finger.

And then when that old grouchy grandmother ever decided to give it to me, I'd turn her down flat that tell her that you already have the ring that you want to wear, and that you think it's the most beautiful ring in the whole world and couldn't imagine wearing anything other.

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Originally Posted by mbjerkness

A gift with strings, isn't really a gift. proudly wear the ring your sweetie gave you

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The ring and petty drama has too much power over you now. I would forget about it 100% and do not direct any energy into it that anymore. The gift will either be given or it won't. And it sounds like it won't be an outright happy for you guys gift, but instead a strings attached on the fence not sure about giving this "gift".
Who cares about that ring? You have your ring and your favorite guy in the world. All that really matters is right. This is just a taste of future distractions that will attempt to wrap you in family drama, try your best not to let it.

Your mother hit the nail on the head, she is exactly right. Its a bad situation, I would be tempted to let Kyle deal with it since hopefully he knows how to "word" things just right. Otherwise, it very well could be held over you guys for the rest of your lives (or her's).

I spoke with Kyle about this since it's just upsetting me, you guys are right that part of the fun of an engagement is getting to wear the ring right then and there, and that was ruined for me
Kyle is saying he is not going to refuse the ring, it's rightfully his property, etc etc even though we won't use it as our engagement ring, he will keep it if the grandma gives it to us ...It's fine with me, I suppose. Initially he didn't want me to refuse the ring, but after I talked to him he understood. I feel like I don't want anything to do with their family's jewelry! The mom wants to give us our wedding bands, which they had made from diamonds that were somehow inherited also, but I also don't want anything to do with that either because she isn't handing it to Kyle just yet either, who knows what will happen when the time comes for me to have it