I feel guilty for not being upset.

MoochNNoodles

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It's weird. I keep asking myself if I should be upset about this... We just got back from visiting my family out of town. That included my Grandpa who is in a nursing home now. He didn't know who I was. He slept all but maybe 2 minutes of my second visit with him. My Dad asked him "What's my daughter's name?" and Grandpa said my name; but by sight he didn't know me.

And I'm not yet really upset by this. It was 2 days ago. I feel like there must be something wrong with me! Grandpa has had Alzheimer's for a few years now. My Gram does too but she just has short term memory problems mostly. My other Gram has pretty severe dementia and you can't have a conversation with her; but mostly she knows who people are. Considering the many many many long talks Gram and I used to have that should tear me up as well. But It didn't even phase me. So all 3 of them are mere shadows of the people they once were.

Have I become callous? Or am I just used to having so many Grandparents in this state now so its just not a shock? It's crazy! I only get to see them a few times a year at most and my cousins who see them regularly are more upset by this. I'm more shocked by how I feel....or don't feel I guess! And that makes me feel bad. Maybe I just don't dwell on it because there is nothing I can do? It's not like I don't care. I guess that's why I feel like something is wrong with this situation.
 

catsallaround

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Well with your counter you must be sleep deprived still:S

Seriously maybe you accept life alot faster then others. I tend to. Things happen that suck. I know I can't change the outcome and others choices once they decide on something and best I can do is offer my support. Or in some cases try and keep my mouth shut(...) or walk away if its something I truly feel against.

I would not overly worry unless you see this happens and is affecting your relationships.
 

jennyr

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Don't feel guilty. I am the same when I visit my father who has no idea who anyone is now, even my mother. Nad I have just been told this week that my ex, the father of my daughter, has only a month or so to live with stomach cancer. I feel sorry for those close to the situation, but inside I cannot feel that it has anything to do with me any more. As you say, your Grandpa is no longer the man you knew and once loved, and he cannot react to you. My father is the same. If we got het up about everything we would be emotional wrecks. You are doing right by the family and yourself by visiting him when you can, doing your part in ensuring he is comfortable etc, and that is it.
 

feralvr

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AW hun, just by visiting and caring for him is the best thing for him and you. At that point in our loved ones lives, that is all we can do, it is the best we can do. Lots of hugs to you.
 
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MoochNNoodles

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Thanks guys. I guess I just don't want my family to think I don't care.

Just for example; when I was pregnant with my daughter we visited and my Mom's family gave me a shower at my Gram's nursing home. My cousin was also pregnant and lives about 90 minutes away so she doesn't see Gram too often. After the shower when Gram was really tired my Aunt took her to her room to rest and my cousin sorta lost it. She couldn't believe I wasn't reacting like her. My cousin is one tough woman; but she cried and I didn't.
 

dorothyb

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Everybody deals in different ways. You're not being cruel-you haven't abandoned your family-many people do. You're doing the best you can, and that's more than many do. Give yourself a break, OK?
 

carolpetunia

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All of the above... and also, on some level, maybe your heart is just determined to remember them as they were. And that's okay.
 

rapunzel47

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Originally Posted by CarolPetunia

All of the above... and also, on some level, maybe your heart is just determined to remember them as they were. And that's okay.
I think Carol hit the nail on the head, actually. And I totally agree with folks that you aren't being cruel or neglectful -- you're in there visiting and doing what you can, so have no reason to feel guilty.
 

rubsluts'mommy

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My mom is late-moderate stage Alzheimer's... so I understand what you're going through. My writing has helped immensely. After my last visit, when she still knew who I was, I wrote a novella about it. That was my therapy at the time.

During a recent phone call with my dad, she came in and asked who was on the phone (she does that every time, at least once)... he told her my name, she said, "Oh, okay," which is standard for her nowadays. After she left the room, I asked him if she remembers who I am anymore. He said sometimes... and then other times she asks, "Do we have any children?"

Yes, that hurt. I was more prepared for it than when her father, my granddad. Last time I saw him alive, a year before he passed from the cancer (both ALZ and colon cancer), he swore up and down he didn't have a granddaughter named Amanda. I was 17. It scared me. I didn't get it then. I do now. I swear ALZ is the most excruciating disease for those around the one who's ill.

My heart goes out to you... I know how painful it is. And I know how you feel right now... You're dealing with it the way you can. That whole year between when I last saw my granddad, and when he died, I refused to visit. I couldn't deal with it. When I wasn't able to go to his funeral, I vowed to visit his grave no matter what wherever he was buried (ended up being in Southern CA)... and I have held to that.

It takes time to process and deal with it... and we all deal with it differently... it's okay. Big hugs...

Amanda
 
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MoochNNoodles

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Thank you Amanda. You made me think; isn't acceptance part of the grieving process? Maybe thats where I am now. I know I've told my cousins before that they are who they are right now and I just want to enjoy whatever it is I can have with them. There have been nights when I bawled big time because I needed one of my long chats with Gram. I DO miss them as they were; but I'm glad they are all here to see my daughter and things like that. It does hurt. But it shocked me that it wasn't a huge deal when he didn't know me this time. I mean if anything should hurt; you'd think that would be it.
 
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