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Crazy Overprotective Mom or Responsible Parent?

post #1 of 41
4/19/11 at 8:06am
Thread Starter 
Saturday evening I took our daughter (just turned 13) to a slumber party of her friend. The family moved here about 7 months ago and we had never been to their house. The mom took us around to the back to the "cottage" where the girls would be staying overnight.

I peeked in through the door and asked if there was a smoke detector (the little building was something of a shack) and the answer was no - there's electricity but no heat.

Our daughter is an only child but is an extremely sociable creature. She looks forward to these nights with her girlfriends as the highlights of her life. My first impulse was to say she couldn't sleep over, of course, but after talking to my husband we decided to buy a smoke detector and give it to the family to put in the "cottage."

The girls at the party thought this was very weird, in fact they used "insane" and "odd" and "absurd" to describe what I did. My actions were the talk of the slumber party. I thought it was a good solution to the problem!

What do you think? Was it an over-the-top thing to do?

BTW, the mom put a space heater into the "cottage" at about 7:30 that night, then never checked on the girls again.
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post #2 of 41
4/19/11 at 8:11am
Of course it was the responsible thing to do, and I think a good solution. When you're 13, you think anything your parents do that draws attention to themselves is weird!
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post #3 of 41
4/19/11 at 8:15am
I understand your concern, I would probably be doing the same thing. And I also know that most people are not like this, and would see it as an over the top thing.
I don't know, statistically speaking the odds of something going wrong are small, because even if something did catch on fire what are the odds of it happening that same night of the slumber party? Common sense tells me very small but I could be wrong. So in that sense I think you probably had nothing to worry about. But there is nothing wrong with you providing a smoke detector if you were worried, and I don't know why the girls felt they had to comment on it, maybe when they become mothers they would understand. I mean it doesn't even affect their sleep over they still had fun and were extra protected from a fire lol so it doesn't make sense why that would be the talk of the party!!
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post #4 of 41
4/19/11 at 8:20am
Thread Starter 
I now have the reputation of being something of a wacko mom, you'd think I parked a fire truck outside of the house or something.
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post #5 of 41
4/19/11 at 8:34am
Well, whacko mom goes with crazy cat lady, doesn't it?
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post #6 of 41
4/19/11 at 8:34am
When you're 13, all moms are whacko. Consider it a compliment.

When she is older and wiser at 17, she will brag about this to her friends. Or maybe not until she is 27. But there will come a day.

You did the right thing. Both for safety sake and for your own peace of mind.
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post #7 of 41
4/19/11 at 8:54am
Absolutely you did the right thing, and the crazy mom hosting the party puts a space heater in there with no smoke detector??????? Now who is nuts. So what if you were the talk of the night, you are popular then. And if a fire did start, YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN A HERO A crazy cat and kid hero that is
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post #8 of 41
4/19/11 at 8:57am
It was a bit over the top in my opinion. What if they were in a tent or just sleeping under the stars?

It is your decision as a parent to allow or disallow your daughter to do things, but I think providing a smoke detector said to the parents, "well, now she'll be safe. If it were up to you she wouldn't be." If you were that uncomfortable with the situation you should have just said no.

I have an only child too and my first instinct is to always be overprotective but as he's gotten older (he's 17 now) I've learned to step back and let him be. I can honestly say I've never dropped him off anywhere and asked about smoke detectors.
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post #9 of 41
4/19/11 at 9:05am
Quote:
Originally Posted by jenwales View Post
It was a bit over the top in my opinion. What if they were in a tent or just sleeping under the stars?

It is your decision as a parent to allow or disallow your daughter to do things, but I think providing a smoke detector said to the parents, "well, now she'll be safe. If it were up to you she wouldn't be." If you were that uncomfortable with the situation you should have just said no.

I have an only child too and my first instinct is to always be overprotective but as he's gotten older (he's 17 now) I've learned to step back and let him be. I can honestly say I've never dropped him off anywhere and asked about smoke detectors.
A tent is not wired for electricity, so there is a big difference.
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post #10 of 41
4/19/11 at 9:30am
Quote:
Originally Posted by otto View Post
A tent is not wired for electricity, so there is a big difference.
Not really. Then the fear would be, "what if the kerosene lantern tips over?"

My point is that there is always the potential for something to go wrong and it is impossible to ensure our kids are safe 24/7. If you are uncomfortable with something, then tell your kid no, but don't insult her friend's parents by bringing in your own safety measures.
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post #11 of 41
4/19/11 at 10:46am
Quote:
Originally Posted by jenwales View Post
Not really. Then the fear would be, "what if the kerosene lantern tips over?"
They likely would have been using flashlights, not oil lamps.
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post #12 of 41
4/19/11 at 10:48am
I don't think you were over the top at all. So far as I know it's law that any place that has people dwelling, is required to have a working smoke detector. And even if the location only has dwellers periodically, like in this case, they should still have a smoke detector.

I'm sure that if there had been a fire, and that smoke detector you bought saved the lives of all of those children, that you would be everyone's hero right now.

Don't give it another thought. I think you did the responsible thing. You were looking out for your child, and in the course of doing that, you were also offering protection to the other children as well.
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post #13 of 41
4/19/11 at 10:50am
What about those of us who grew up, spent nights with friends in houses with no smoke detectors. It hasn't been that long ago. I probably would just have said no if I really thought the place my child was going was not safe.
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post #14 of 41
4/19/11 at 11:09am
Its an odd situation to be in but IMO you did right. Think of it this way a brand new battery may last in that awhile...summers coming up-if not that night there could have been a fire and you may have saved whoever stays there the next few months/year. The electric may have been rigged up and not really able to handle what it had on it and you NEVER would have forgiven yourself had you had went out and bought it then chickened out of giving it. Even if they all made it out alive but had some damage long term. It just proves to her more you care.
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post #15 of 41
4/19/11 at 11:21am
Space heaters do concern me. Scare me to death, really. They cause more fires than anything. If they were in a tent, they could get out easier. . .in a shed (sounds like that's what it was?) it's a lot harder to get out. I don't think it was over the top. If you said she couldn't go at all, that might have been excessive. But a $10 smoke detector in a shed with a space heater? Just fine, IMO. Common sense. But of course 13-year-olds HAVE TO be mortified by everything their parents do .
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post #16 of 41
4/19/11 at 11:27am
I think it's a little over the top....but that's what makes this world go round, everyone is different.

Me and the boys stayed ay mt friends camp this winter with a homemade wood stove and no fire detectors....our only mode of transportation was 2 ski-doos, one that never wanted to start....we were in the middle of the woods with lots of coyotes and goodness knows what else.

I guess I'm all about living in the moment, I was there to have fun with my kids and friends, I wasn't worried about fires and burning buildings. We sleep out in the tents all Summer long, I have bears, moose, fox, coyotes and all kinds of stuff right in my yard, we eat food all night and leave the food out (not in the tents with us but on the picnic table)...I generally don't worry about it unless I hear one outside then I get a little wigged out...
My neighbor won't even go outside at night time she's so scared of the bears..

But to each their own...I never grew up with overprotective parents, I tend to go with the flow.

There's danger in ANYTHING you do, even walking down the road can be dangerous
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post #17 of 41
4/19/11 at 12:25pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Momto3boys View Post
I think it's a little over the top....but that's what makes this world go round, everyone is different.

Me and the boys stayed ay mt friends camp this winter with a homemade wood stove and no fire detectors....our only mode of transportation was 2 ski-doos, one that never wanted to start....we were in the middle of the woods with lots of coyotes and goodness knows what else.

I guess I'm all about living in the moment, I was there to have fun with my kids and friends, I wasn't worried about fires and burning buildings.
But...You were there.
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post #18 of 41
4/19/11 at 12:26pm
IMO, you were not just a responsible parent; you were an innovative responsible parent! You didn't deprive your daughter of having a fun night or of her friends from having her company.

Perhaps the mom who was hosting the party was a little embarrassed that she didn't already have a smoke detector. Better to be embarrassed than lose a loved one. She can get over being embarrassed. I imagine you glossed it over, somewhat so she wouldn't feel too bad.
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post #19 of 41
4/19/11 at 12:28pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Willowy View Post
... But of course 13-year-olds HAVE TO be mortified by everything their parents do .
It's required.
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post #20 of 41
4/19/11 at 12:42pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by otto View Post
But...You were there.
This is true
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post #21 of 41
4/19/11 at 2:32pm
I am not a mother but I agree with you. Fortunately you have more experience at it than I do because I would probably have just said no you can't stay. Then everybody would have been unhappy.

My first smoke detector was a gift from a friend. At the time I thought it was odd but appreciated the thought that went into it. Now I realize that she was ahead of her time.
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post #22 of 41
4/19/11 at 4:46pm
I don't know.
I can see your point though.

And yeah- it's required that 13 year olds are mortifed of EVERYTHING you do. I can't tell you how many times I've said something and I've gotten MO-THER" said right back

And I have teen girls x2

Cheryl
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post #23 of 41
4/19/11 at 4:59pm
I'm in no position to judge you. So I won't.
But I will say when I was a teen, everything my mother did mortified me.
She passed away not long ago, unexpectedly, and now I brag about her all the time.
Her death did not spur the bragging but I gained insight to her oddities.

When I was younger, maybe in middle school. I babysat (what middle school girl didn't really?). One night, I was scheduled to babysit but the mother called me sick and canceled.
The next morning, I read the paper.
Front page story was how the house caught fire, unexpectedly due to poor electrical workings.
3 of the 4 kids died.

I am not sharing this to spark paranoia, but to say anything is possible.
I now check my smoke detectors weekly!

Live without regrets.You never know.
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post #24 of 41
4/19/11 at 8:49pm
Why would that be the talk of the night? I think that is pretty crazy
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post #25 of 41
4/20/11 at 12:13pm
Overprotective IMO.

Then again, my dad's first solo flight in an airplane was at age 14 and I got an advanced diving certificate at 12 for nighttime deep dives and a Ducati Indiana motorcycle at age 15.

He's an old man, and I'm getting there without so much as a broken bone to date, so I think most parents worry too much, at least on the first child. After popping out a couple, most chill out and realize kids are pretty resilient, rubbery, and a little risk comes with the territory of experiencing life.
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post #26 of 41
4/20/11 at 3:33pm
There are times when it makes sense to talk about statistical probabilities, and times when it just doesn't. These people were putting children alone overnight in an outbuilding with a space heater. Sure, it's statistically unlikely that a fire would occur, but the stakes are much too high not to take the simple precaution of a smoke detector!

It should not have been Kat's job to provide the smoke detector, but since the parents didn't, thank goodness she was smart enough and brave enough to step up. If the parents took it as an insult, if the girls talked about it, if her daughter was embarrassed -- so what? It's a small price to pay for doing the right thing.
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post #27 of 41
4/20/11 at 3:35pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ducman69 View Post
...a little risk comes with the territory of experiencing life.
Surely we can agree that sleeping without a smoke detector is a risk that doesn't really provide much of a thrill.
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post #28 of 41
4/20/11 at 3:45pm
Everything boils down to statistics when it comes to risk assesment. Just driving your son or daughter to a sleep over is a statistical risk as a fatal accident will happen somewhere by the time I have finished this post.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CarolPetunia View Post
Surely we can agree that sleeping without a smoke detector is a risk that doesn't really provide much of a thrill.
Oh definitely, but not being allowed to sleep over with friends for a single night because a smoke detector isn't present is missing out. Luckily it didn't come to that. IMO, thats still a lower risk than unsupervised kids on a camping trip making their own fire, and we did that all the time as teens.

Not saying it isn't perfectly natural, especially for mothers (tend to be more protective than dads) and single child families.

There is a danger in overdoing it though. A guy from my track team in highschool died jumping from one balcony to another at a nearby apartment complex, and his mother was VERY overprotective even pretty blatantly interrogating anyone he'd associate with to everyone's embarrassment, and he rebelled. Heard the same thing with girls going crazy at college after being overly cooped up, they just go boy-crazy and binge drink. But that is only in EXTREME cases I think.
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post #29 of 41
4/20/11 at 7:24pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ducman69 View Post
Overprotective IMO.

Then again, my dad's first solo flight in an airplane was at age 14 and I got an advanced diving certificate at 12 for nighttime deep dives and a Ducati Indiana motorcycle at age 15.
Is your analogy that you and your father did these things without the safety measures or alarm equipment required by law? And that the unnecessary risk was okay since you both lived to talk about it? Otherwise, I don't see what this has to do with a sleepover and a smoke detector.

Maybe I have denied my daughter bragging rights about how young she was when she slept somewhere that didn't have a smoke detector, lol.

There's acceptable risk and then there's unnecessary risk. Guess we all draw the line where we are comfortable; the line I have for myself is not the same as for my young daughter.


Quote:
Originally Posted by LDG View Post
Well, whacko mom goes with crazy cat lady, doesn't it?
Teetering on the edge, my friend.

Btw, our daughter is fine with how things turned out.
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post #30 of 41
4/20/11 at 8:00pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by SwampWitch View Post
Is your analogy that you and your father did these things without the safety measures or alarm equipment required by law? And that the unnecessary risk was okay since you both lived to talk about it? Otherwise, I don't see what this has to do with a sleepover and a smoke detector.
Oh, I was just pointing out that there is a big range of what people consider acceptable risk, and mine and my parents' are perhaps higher than the norm heh! I've had girlfriend's mothers refuse to allow me to pickup their daughter on my "murdercycle" back in highschool even though I had a spare helmet, leather jacket, and gloves netted on the back!

You asked for opinions, just threw mine out there.
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