My ex is very sick

Yes, thank you, I will do that. I know denial is the first stage and she is still in that, but it will help her to know what to expect. As for his wife, there is no animosity as far as I know, but she has always refused to meet me or to come to any occasion when I might be there. So I just don't know if she would see a letter from me as interfering in what she considers her business now. I am going to ask Faith what she thinks.

Originally Posted by jennyranson

she has always refused to meet me or to come to any occasion when I might be there.

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She may just have felt awkward, but under the circumstances people sometimes change?. But it's a good idea to gets Faith's thought's on it.

How do you feel anyway?. Although your not together now he was still your husband at some point?

I just feel sorry - It's like I am hearing about something affecting a family member or friend. I do not feel personally involved at all - very strange. In the past, there have been occasions when I have heard of tragedies involving those I have loved or been very close to that affected me emotionally more. But it has been a long time - we separated in 1990 and I have not even seen him for ten years now. I do not know if that is maybe a sort of denial on my part. I just feel my role and emotion in this must be directed towards Faith, who has remained very close to him - she talks to him regularly and sees him every two or three months, which I have always been very pleased about.

Oh, Jenny... I'm so sorry for all of you. If he has to go, I hope he goes as easily as possible. Do you plan to go with Faith to visit him and say goodbye? (At a time like this, surely no one would object.)

EDIT: I posted and then read your last post. I know nothing of the situation, of course, but it does sound like the same denial I clung to for so long when my father was dying. I don't know ANYTHING, and I have no business intruding, but... I bet you'd feel better, now and years from now, if you said a real goodbye.

Right, l hear what your saying. It's just when someone passes and even though l haven't seen that person for a long time l always do some reminiscing?.

Yes, I have been remembering, some good some bad. But it is not really an emotional thing. As for going to see him, I do not think it would be appreciated, though if Faith thought it would be helpful to anyone, I would certainly go. I do not feel I need to for my own sake - we said everything we had to say years and years ago. That sounds insensitive, but I think it might be more insensitive to go. Almost like an 'I told you so' over him smoking and drinking.

Jenny, I've no wisdom for you, but many hugs. You are all in my thoughts.

Jenny, Your family is in my thoughts and prayers.

Perhaps a short note to the wife would be appreciated after all. You are good at putting words together. I'm sure you would say something comforting.

I can't imagine going through that. My prayers are with your daughter, your ex and his wife and all involved.

Originally Posted by rapunzel47

Jenny, I've no wisdom for you, but many hugs. You are all in my thoughts.

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Thinking good thoughts for all of you...

He has been moved to a hospice today, which means he will get better individual care. Faith is going back tomorrow morning, and her half-brother is also arriving then. She will stay as long as necessary, depending on what the hospice say about timelines and his needs. The headmaster at school has told her she can have as much time off as she has to. It has finally kicked in with her and she is a mess, which is not surprising. She said she wished I was there too, and I have said that if I can do anything at all to support anyone in all this without hurting others then I will go. But actually I think she is the one who will be a support to her Dad and his wife, who has told her she considers her like a daughter, and I don't want to get between them. It all has to be treated with utmost tact.

Yes, Jenny, tact will be the watchword. Keeping the flowing.

The more I thought about it the less it seemed right or appropriate that I should go, and Faith now agrees with me, having watched her stepmother try to deal with little known relatives who are phoning or turning up.

He is now fully accepting of his limited time and has had really good long talks with both his children. Today he is seeing the lawyer to make some minor changes to his will. The consultant is meeting Faith again tomorrow to go over the xrays and scans which have been delayed at the hospital because of the holiday. But apparently they already know that his body is actually full of cancer - it is in his bowel, his intestine, the stomach and other vital organs. They are saying two weeks or less, which means basically any time. The only decisions will be whether to continue tube feeding or put him onto fluids only. He was given a glass of wine yesterday which he enjoyed, though he was not actually able to swallow any of it.

Faith will stay there. Her Headmaster has given her leave of absence, and she is preparing lesson plans for her teaching assistant and sending them by email. The cats are in a cattery where they are well known, so she has no worries about them.

All very sad. Everyone is trying to cope and I am so pleased Faith and her stepmother are close and supporting each other. Thank you all for your thoughts and comments. Please continue your vibes, I am sure it helps.

Faith has been told the end could come at any time. They have withdrawn all the feeding tubes to make him more comfortable, so he is getting no nutrition except iced water to sip. He is sleeping most of the time and is not now fully coherent when awake, I guess partly because of the morphine. Faith is so exhausted but so glad she has been able to spend this time with him. She went home for 24 hours to collect some more things and to give her stepmom time alone with him. But she is going back tomorrow and will then stay till it is all over.

I continue to keep you and Faith in my thoughts.

Please keep us updated. I am praying for them all during such a rough time.

I am so sorry to hear this. My prayers and best wishes go out to everyone involved.

Just dropping in to add some more

Still thinking of the family and sending many more vibes to you and Faith