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My ex is very sick

post #1 of 57
4/19/11 at 1:23am
Thread Starter 
Poor Faith, after going through all the trauma of losing and finding Bilbo, she now has to go through the even worse experience of her father being diagnosed with stomach cancer. He has been having tests for two weeks after being admitted to intensive care coughing up blood. They put a stent in his stomach to enable him to eat, and started him on drip feeding as well. Faith got the news as soon as she got home from her school trip, went to see him last Thursday and is still there, though going home today.

It does not look good. He was pronounced clear of prostate cancer 18 months ago, and this has come out of the blue. He is expecting to leave hospital today, but they are arranging for a palliative care team to look after him at home, and he sees the oncologist again on May 6th to discuss the tests and what the options are. At the moment they are not going to operate.

Faith is very close to her Dad, and is naturally distraught. She says it has not sunk in yet. I am also sorry for his wife, who nursed him very well through the prostate crisis and now does not know what the future holds.
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post #2 of 57
4/19/11 at 3:25am
Oh gosh, this is a lot for Faith to deal with. Does she have sisters or brothers who can support her?

I will keep you all in my prayers. It is so hard to see a parent this way. I took care of my dad at home here and was at his side when he passed away.

I think Faith has a wonderful mom to lean on when and if the time comes.

God bless.
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post #3 of 57
4/19/11 at 3:34am
I'm so sorry Faith is going through all this

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post #4 of 57
4/19/11 at 3:38am
Quote:
Originally Posted by jennyranson View Post

Faith is very close to her Dad, and is naturally distraught. She says it has not sunk in yet. I am also sorry for his wife, who nursed him very well through the prostate crisis and now does not know what the future holds.
Quote:
Originally Posted by farleyv View Post

I think Faith has a wonderful mom to lean on when and if the time comes.

God bless.
Oh Jenny, how horrible of a situation. I am thankful that Faith has someone like you to lean on. I do hope that his wife also has some sort of support too.

Although this is not a nice situation: I am glad that you get along/are still in touch with your ex. A lot of ppl are not, and I find that sad when there are kids involved. (of course this does NOT apply to seperations due to abuse of any sorts). One needs a working relationship with their ex to be good parents. I'm glad you have that, and with that are able to support your daughter through this trying time.

Many vibes for your ex, your daughter, and his wife. You too as well, this is a hard thing to deal with to anyone.
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post #5 of 57
4/19/11 at 3:38am
That's so awful Jenny, i'm really sorry to hear that

I wish they would find a cure once and for all for that disease Many coming for all of them
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post #6 of 57
4/19/11 at 4:11am
Keeping all of you in my thoughts!!
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post #7 of 57
4/19/11 at 4:17am
Thread Starter 
I wish I could be more of a support, but in fact I have not really been in touch with him for years, apart from specific events to do with Faith. And as for his current wife, she has always refused to meet me or to come to Faith's graduation, 21st etc. I have never understood why - we split up amicably, dividing everything equally, and she did not meet him till three years later. So none of it makes sense. Faith says she is very nice and is scared of the idea of me, so I have learnt to accept it. She has three grown-up children of her own, and Faith has a half-brother by her dad's first marriage (I was number 2) but they all live hundreds of miles apart, which makes things difficult. So all I can do is be there for Faith and send my hopes and best wishes through her.
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post #8 of 57
4/19/11 at 5:17am
That's very rough for all concerned, and all of you will be in my thoughts.
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post #9 of 57
4/19/11 at 5:17am
Cancer is so horrible to deal with... Keeping Faith and your ex in my thoughts hun.
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post #10 of 57
4/19/11 at 5:21am
I'm so sorry.
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post #11 of 57
4/19/11 at 6:30am
Quote:
Originally Posted by jennyranson View Post
I wish I could be more of a support, but in fact I have not really been in touch with him for years, apart from specific events to do with Faith. And as for his current wife, she has always refused to meet me or to come to Faith's graduation, 21st etc. I have never understood why - we split up amicably, dividing everything equally, and she did not meet him till three years later. So none of it makes sense. Faith says she is very nice and is scared of the idea of me, so I have learnt to accept it. She has three grown-up children of her own, and Faith has a half-brother by her dad's first marriage (I was number 2) but they all live hundreds of miles apart, which makes things difficult. So all I can do is be there for Faith and send my hopes and best wishes through her.
Jenny, I'm sorry to hear this sad news. It's so very difficult to lose a parent.

My hubby's girlfriend is similar to your ex's wife. She is friendly enough but feels very insecure with me still being a big part of his family. She told me it's hard for her to integrate into the family with me being there. That's too bad since I have no plans to go anywhere.

I'll keep you all in my thoughts and prayers.
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post #12 of 57
4/19/11 at 6:39am
One thing after another. I am sorry for Faith and the family. Sending lots more vibes her way
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post #13 of 57
4/19/11 at 6:51am
I am sorry to hear about your ex and how it is affecting everyone especially Faith.
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post #14 of 57
4/19/11 at 7:39am
Oh Jenny, I'm just so sorry.
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post #15 of 57
4/19/11 at 7:53am
I hate cancer.
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post #16 of 57
4/19/11 at 1:25pm
Jenny, I'm so sorry to hear this news. It's a tough situation no matter from whose viewpoint. I know you are a wonderful support for Faith, even though you are at some distance physically, and I send my thoughts and prayers for all concerned.
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post #17 of 57
4/19/11 at 6:15pm
I'm sorry. I will keep Faith in my prayers.
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post #18 of 57
4/19/11 at 7:00pm
I'm so sorry to read this.
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post #19 of 57
4/21/11 at 1:55am
Thread Starter 
Faith learned last night that her dad will not be sent home - he is going to need tube feeding that can only be done professionally and they can't yet control his nausea. They have also found another mass and are not yet sure what it is. Now the talk is of sending him straight to a hospice and of the timing being only a month or so. Faith just cannot take it in - the day he went to hospital he completed a 3 mile walk in the morning and then cut down a tree. Now, less than three weeks later, he can't even shower on his own and his time is strictly limited.

I don't know what to do - Faith is numb with it all and says she is a horrible person because she can't yet cry. I have tried to reassure her that this is normal - Subconsciously she is still in denial, and it is the body's way of coping. I want to write to his wife but I am not sure it is the right thing to do. He himself is apparently not yet admitting to it all, and just wants to go home, which again is normal. It is all so difficult.
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post #20 of 57
4/21/11 at 2:42am
Jenny if you google "The Grieving Wheel" it might help Faith. When my friend lost her husband, the Macmillan Nurse gave her a leaflet on the stages she would be going through.

As for writing to his wife, if there's been no animosity between either of you she might appreciate some comforting words
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post #21 of 57
4/21/11 at 2:51am
Thread Starter 
Yes, thank you, I will do that. I know denial is the first stage and she is still in that, but it will help her to know what to expect. As for his wife, there is no animosity as far as I know, but she has always refused to meet me or to come to any occasion when I might be there. So I just don't know if she would see a letter from me as interfering in what she considers her business now. I am going to ask Faith what she thinks.
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post #22 of 57
4/21/11 at 2:56am
Quote:
Originally Posted by jennyranson View Post
she has always refused to meet me or to come to any occasion when I might be there.
She may just have felt awkward, but under the circumstances people sometimes change?. But it's a good idea to gets Faith's thought's on it.

How do you feel anyway?. Although your not together now he was still your husband at some point?
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post #23 of 57
4/21/11 at 3:29am
Thread Starter 
I just feel sorry - It's like I am hearing about something affecting a family member or friend. I do not feel personally involved at all - very strange. In the past, there have been occasions when I have heard of tragedies involving those I have loved or been very close to that affected me emotionally more. But it has been a long time - we separated in 1990 and I have not even seen him for ten years now. I do not know if that is maybe a sort of denial on my part. I just feel my role and emotion in this must be directed towards Faith, who has remained very close to him - she talks to him regularly and sees him every two or three months, which I have always been very pleased about.
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post #24 of 57
4/21/11 at 3:31am
Oh, Jenny... I'm so sorry for all of you. If he has to go, I hope he goes as easily as possible. Do you plan to go with Faith to visit him and say goodbye? (At a time like this, surely no one would object.)

EDIT: I posted and then read your last post. I know nothing of the situation, of course, but it does sound like the same denial I clung to for so long when my father was dying. I don't know ANYTHING, and I have no business intruding, but... I bet you'd feel better, now and years from now, if you said a real goodbye.
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post #25 of 57
4/21/11 at 3:36am
Right, l hear what your saying. It's just when someone passes and even though l haven't seen that person for a long time l always do some reminiscing?.
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post #26 of 57
4/21/11 at 4:42am
Thread Starter 
Yes, I have been remembering, some good some bad. But it is not really an emotional thing. As for going to see him, I do not think it would be appreciated, though if Faith thought it would be helpful to anyone, I would certainly go. I do not feel I need to for my own sake - we said everything we had to say years and years ago. That sounds insensitive, but I think it might be more insensitive to go. Almost like an 'I told you so' over him smoking and drinking.
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post #27 of 57
4/21/11 at 11:46am
Jenny, I've no wisdom for you, but many hugs. You are all in my thoughts.
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post #28 of 57
4/21/11 at 12:39pm
Jenny, Your family is in my thoughts and prayers.

Perhaps a short note to the wife would be appreciated after all. You are good at putting words together. I'm sure you would say something comforting.
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post #29 of 57
4/21/11 at 9:08pm
I can't imagine going through that. My prayers are with your daughter, your ex and his wife and all involved.
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post #30 of 57
4/21/11 at 9:14pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by rapunzel47 View Post
Jenny, I've no wisdom for you, but many hugs. You are all in my thoughts.
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