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just to say it out... - Page 2

post #31 of 40
First of all,

Second of all...

I really feel for you. This is a terrible, terrible decision to have to make.

You have already gotten lots of great advice and food for thought from many of the wonderful people on this site. I think we will all support you no matter what you decide to do.

Let's see... I just looked. You're going to be turning 23 soon. You're certainly old enough to be a responsible mum if that's what you decide to do. I do worry about you... you may not have seen much of me on TCS, and I know I haven't seen too many of your posts (I don't usually have a lot of time to spend in the Lounge, which is where I spend most of what time I do have outside of feral colonies where I'm a mod).

As far as I'm concerned, here are the things you should keep in mind.

1) The most important consideration is what YOU want. Damn the "girlfriend" and if the baby's father doesn't want to be a part of his or her life, if you want to raise the child on your own, then go for it. I believe in most States he would legally be responsible for support whether you are married or not, but that is a decision you would have to make, whether you would want to force him into providing support or not.

2) You say you are still in love with the father. Do not have this baby as a way to keep the father in your life. That is not fair to him, to you, and especially not to the baby.

3) If your ex-boyfriend is going to remain with this current girlfriend for some time, are you up to the harrassment? I don't know how long your ex will be with this - um - woman, but you just never know. It's easy to say what I said above - but it's another thing to live through it. It takes a lot of strength to raise a child on one's own - it takes even more strength to have someone harrassing you while doing it.

I had an abortion in high school. For me - I felt I was too young and didn't want to make a commitment to raising a child. I know people that young have children all the time, but I felt I was too young to carry the child to term and put it up for adoption. That is the decision I have questions about now, though I don't know if I'd go so far as to say I regret the decision. Saying this, I might very well lose the respect of everyone on this board, but you are faced with a difficult decision, you were brave enough to put it out to all these strangers, and so I am being honest for you.

My decision to have an abortion, I feel, was a very selfish decision. Children from dysfunctional homes and mothers often do very well in life. Who knows what would have happened? But it's not something upon which I dwell. If I had the experience of time that I do now at age 40 back then, I think I might have carried the child to term and had it adopted out. But I do not regret not having raised the child. Others here have written their regret about having had abortions, and I just wanted you to know that there is at least one person out here who doesn't regret not having had the child, but, later in life feels I would have done a better thing by that child by giving it life and allowing someone else to raise it. (On the other hand, I have a very Eastern outlook on life, and I believe that child may well be alive through someone else. But that's a different subject altogether).

However - bringing the child to term and adopting it out is also very difficult emotionally. It is an option, as HopeHacker pointed out. You can decide to have the child without the commitment of raising it yourself. You may decide to keep it - you may not. But even if you decide not to have the abortion, you don't have to commit to keeping the child right now.

I was an "unexpected" child. My mom went into severe depression after I was born. Post-partem blues are very common. She sent my brother and sister (7 and 6 at the time) to live with her parents for a school year after I was born. We hated each other growing up. When I learned that had happened, I sure understood why! Abortions weren't legal then. If she could have had one, she would have. Of course, I'm glad she didn't.

I share all of this because you are facing a really difficult time now - whether you decide to have the child or not. And I know this isn't a good time to bring it up, and others have had the tact not to, but the thread you started in IMO about suicide is something to bear in mind here.

No matter what you decide to do, I really hope you also make the decision to seek some counseling. Whether or not one has considered suicide or not really has nothing to do with this... it's just that there are often times in our lives when we need support to sort things through. I've never tried to commit suicide because it never got that far. I sought help when I needed it, and I've always been thankful for it. When leaving my ex-husband I became a strong, independent woman with the help of my therapist, and I thank God for her to this day.

If ever there was a time in your life to have someone trained to help you make these decisions, to help you through what for ANYONE is a really, really difficult time, that time is now!

I don't know how far along you are in the pregnancy, but if making the decision to have an abortion or not can be put off for even a few weeks, that is certainly something to consider. Just because you have an appointment for Wednesday doesn't mean you have to keep it and make the decision by Wednesday.

Perhaps the best thing for you to do is to cancel the appointment, and schedule an appointment with a therapist, psychologist, psychiatrist, or conselor of some type. And remember - you don't have to stick with the first one you meet. If you don't "click" move along and don't waste time. It took me three tries before I found the right woman for me, and I was so, so, so, so glad I just kept moving along until I found the right person for me. Schedule one for Thursday night, one for Friday afternoon and one for Saturday morning (as an example). Pick the one you like best - and if you didn't like any of them, keep going!

This isn't something you should have to decide on your own, right now. Most of us aren't equipped to make that kind of decision under the stress you're experiencing. There's no shame in turning to someone trained to help.

post #32 of 40
Kate, I really don't know what to say. But please know that you are in my thoughts and my prayers. I have never been in that kind of situation before and honestly, I don't know what I'd do if I was. It's such a hard decision to make and it's a lot of pressure for one to endure. Please do what your heart tells you to do. That is the most important thing. I would hate to see you regret your decision later on.

I know that adoption was lightly touched upon, but have you thought about that option? Adoption is a wonderful thing, but yet a painful thing too. I know that first hand because my brother is adopted. After I was born, my parents were told not to have any more children because my Mother was not able to carry them to full term (with me, she had a metal stitch sewn in her cervix to keep me in). After waiting 8 years on an adoption list, their dreams came true. A woman that my Mother worked with came to her and explained that she was due in 8 weeks & didn't want this child. Of course my parents jumped at the opportunity to have another child. He was born on May 8th, 1985 and that was the last day his biological mother seen him. My parents wanted a closed adoption, but also told her that if she decided she wanted to see him that it would be ok as long as it didn't upset Marc or confuse him & were more than willing to send pictures of him. She's never even attempted to see him but that was her choice. Many people opt of an open adoption. This may be an option for you to consider.

No matter what you decide to do, I wish you the very best. If you need someone to listen, feel free to bear it all here or if you want you can always get a hold of me. Many hugs to you Sweetie and many thoughts & prayers are being sent your way.
post #33 of 40
Whatever you decide to do, remember that it is irrevocable. You should not let this sick woman and and insensitive, irresponsible man make your decisions for you.

When I got pregnant with my younger son, Mark, his father took a powder on us. We had some rough years and it took Mark a long time to come to terms with not having a father around. I've never regretted having him, even when I had to work three jobs, to feed him. He's married, with three-month-old twins and I think that growing up the way he did is making a better father of him.

Please think long and hard, before you do anything. There are plenty of outreach and counseling services to help you with this. I hope that you utilize them.
post #34 of 40
Please think long and hard before going through this. Only do this if you feel in your heart that is what is best for all involved. That is why you have a choice, not because someone said that you have to have it done in order for them to stop harrasseing you.

It want be easy but if you do decide that abortion is the right answer just know that me and a lot of others on TCS will support you in your decision. Good luck girl!

post #35 of 40
Thread Starter 
hello guys, your posts have moved me to tears...i know it must have been tough trying to say your stories out and going thru the process of feeling the pain again. I'm sorry abt that. this board has given me tremendous support when i needed it even if you guys are so far away from me. i will think hard about the decision and the baby. i will let you guys know. thanks again for your support and advice...
post #36 of 40

I also say that you should not go ahead with an abortion if you are not sure. It will most likely be a very difficult experience for you, if you do. However, I would also look at the issues involved with raising a child on your own. I have no idea of your job or financial capabilities, but raising a child alone is a TON of responsibility. Please don't have the baby if you are thinking this is a way to get the boyfriend back. Real life seldom turns out that way. As someone who had to make this same decision at the age of 19, I am relieved that I made the choice I did. I was not ready....emotionally, maturity-wise, financially...to raise a child. And I did eventually have 2 later on. I wish you all the best in your decision.
post #37 of 40
Another corner heard from. Never having been in the position myself, I don't have firsthand stuff to share, but that is the very reason that I am so adamantly pro-choice -- that I do not and cannot know what all the factors are for you, and they won't be the same as they would be for me or for the next person. We can all talk about the known issues -- and there are lots of them to be considered, as everyone has already pointed out, so I don't need to go there. But in the end, the determining factors are yours alone, and nobody else's issues matter one little bit.

It's good that you're talking this out, and some professional help with that probably wouldn't go amiss, but in the end it's your decision -- you're the one who has to believe in it. Think carefully, then listen to your heart.

And know that you can come here and spill it whenever you need to. Be kind to yourself.

post #38 of 40
Thread Starter 
hi guys, something which i felt you might need to know. i'm not keeping the child to get back at my ex bf or to get him back..i really do feel that the child is innocent no matter whether we are together or not...
post #39 of 40
First let me say that I am so sorry you are going through all this. Pregnancy is supposed to be a happy time. You have had a lot of good advice already, so I will not repeat it. As some of the other members have pointed out, abortion is not the only choice. When I was 17, I was madly in love with a boy I went to school with. His girlfriend, now his wife, many years later, had broken up with him, and I guess you could say he was on the rebound. They got back together, and I found out I was pregnant. I knew they were meant to be together, and he had not been trying to hurt or use me, and I just could not get between them with this. I went to a home where I could finish my school year, and had my son. He was adopted by a lovely family that had been thoroughly checked out, and had been waiting for years for him. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but the best for all concerned. He got a chance at a better life than I could give him, and I can still look at myself in the mirror, knowing I did the right thing. I hope this provides some insight from another perspective. We are all praying for things to work out for you, and that your life will not have so much turmoil. About the girlfriend, have you considered a restraining order? You do not have to put up with her crap for one minute, you have enough to think about.
post #40 of 40
What a difficult choice it is, you have to make.
There is no right or wrong, just what's right or wrong for you.
And I mean YOU, not your ex bf or his new gf, or anyone else.
Also don't let previous arrangements distract you.
What you did or did not promise before you got pregnant, is not important anymore.
Now, you are pregnant and that changes everything.

They only thing I can recommend, is what I always do when I have to make a difficult decision and I don't have a clue.

Find a quiet spot, somewhere where you can feel totally relaxed.
Try to imagine you have already made your choice, and how that would make you feel.
Then picture yourself after you made the other choice and how that would feel.
Try to get really into the choices.

So first imagine yourself a few days after the abortion, not being pregnant anymore. What sort of feeling do you get?
Are you relieved it is al behind you or are you devastated because you will never get a chance to meet your baby.
And how about one year after?

Then imagine yourself having had and being with the baby.
Same questions, do you feel happy or totally lost?
And what if you gave the baby up for adoption?

I always find that if things get really difficult and confused, and nothing seems to make sense anymore, your "gut feeling" is as good a place to start as any.

Good luck!
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