just to say it out...

i've got something on my mind and i really do find it mind boggling...so i thought i might just wish to let it out...as some of u guys know that i've broken up with my boyfriend..recently, i've realised that i'm pregnant.. the two of us had a talk and he didn't wish to keep the child, citing the reason that we are no longer together... since the day i knew i was pregnant, his girl friend knows about it too..she has been sending a whole lot of verbal abuses to me, screaming at me for keeping the child and being a whole big burden to her boy friend*who is my ex boy friend*. She has been doing things behind his back too and it hurts me to see her doing all that because I know it will hurt him in the end... i still love him , i still do..the other night, she called me up and told me that she would stop all her nonsense if i would abort the child and sever all ties with him, move out of the country or something to that extent. i agreed because i wanted him to be happy. now it seems to be getting into my system...my appointed time for the abortion is on wed...i really dun wish to go through it..guys, let me know what i should do... i'm really at a loss...

Kate you have the right to make this decision, and you have the right not to. That is why it is called the right to choose. If you are doing it for all the wrong reasons, then I would ask you to reconsider your stance on it. If you have a clear head and you know that what you are doing is right for you, then you just proceed ahead and take it a day at a time. It is rough afterward and you need to understand this. I would write down the pros and cons of having one and then write down the pros and cons of having a child. Then just sleep on it and get up in the morning look at the paper, then look at your heart and proceed from there.

Lots of women have abortions, but then lots of women also successfully raise a child without the biological father in the picture, if he doesn't want this child, and you do- then it is your body and your mind that will have to deal with the aftermath of an abortion, or the 9 months of pregnancy and then childbirth. Follow your heart, but let your head guide you clearly and concisely.

Best of luck!

I agree with Hissy. he chooses not to be the father then you have all the right in the world to choose WHAT YOU WANT! And if it makes you feel any better I know many single mothers. One of which has 3 kids from 3 different dads and only one of them has a father that is in the picture. She choose to have the first one whose father walked out on her when he found out she was Pregnant.

As for the New Girlfriend......Forget her and tell her that. Stand up for yourself. I know it's going to be hard to see someone you love get hurt but He hurt you. and paybacks suck. but it's the way of life. Karma! I have been down the road you are down but I ended up having a Miscarriage when I was 11 weeks along. The father didn't care that I was Pregnant and he never talked to me after I told him I was pregnant and when he found out I had a misscarriage he told my friend "good".

If he won't except the child in his life. Then you need to think about if you really want a man like that in yours.

I wish you the best of luck and let us all know what you decide to do!

My prayers and thoughts are with you!!

I know I just joined and you don't know me but when I read this I had to say something. Hope you don't mind.

First let me say this...FRIENDS LIKE THAT YOU DON'T NEED!!! Or a boyfriend that won't stand by you. If a man loves you...he stands by you good times and bad. No if and or buts about it. He is just as responsible for making this baby as you are.


Second, you never let anyone make a decision like that for you, and I have a feeling deep down you know that. Don't let your girfriend or boyfriend tell you want to do!!!!!

It'your baby and only you can say what happens to it. Can you live with your self if you do as they want? Boyfriends and girlfriends will come and go in your life, this decision will live with you the rest of your life. In the long run you will learn to hate your friend for making you do something you didn't want to do. Honestly she not truly your friend right now. If she was she would never have done theses things.

Third...Do what you feel is right for YOU!! not for any Boyfriend, Grilfriend, whoever. Think of only you and the baby whats right for you two. What do you want to do? And thats what you do! Leave everyne else out of it.

Well thats my $.02 cents on the matter.
Good luck to you and be strong.

Aw Kate, it is very brave of you to be able to explain this to us, who really are strangers. But everyone here is friends too.

This is a very lonely decision to make, and you have to do what is best for you, not what is best for your ex boyfriend, and certainly not what is best for his girlfriend.

It sounds to me like you want to keep the baby, and let the girlfriend bully you into deciding to have an abortion. She has no right to do that, this is your decision alone, and has been yours alone ever since he broke up with you. So please don't do something because you think it will be the best for him, do something because it will be the best for you.

And like hissy said, it will be difficult for you either way, but you can get help, so be strong; this is a very important step for you to take in your life.

She has no say in what happens in your life, but please get all your ducks in line. The ex is responsible for the child too. Just remember that she is possible stepmom material if she stays with him. Right now she's just being greedy. She doesn't want to share him with anyone, not even a child. That speaks volumes about her, doesn't it?

Don't abort the child if you don't want to. You have many options available to you, do what you think is right. Not what she claims is right.

I only have one thing to point out. It's not the new girlfriend, or the ex-boyfriend who will have to live with the decision, it's you. If you feel teh choice of an abortion is the right choice for you then so be it, but never make such a choice for someone else, you will regret it. Good luck.

I do hope you decide to keep your baby. The ramifications of having an abortion can be life long. It sounds like this is something you don't want to do. Please don't let anyone, especially not his new girlfriend, bully you.

Please don't let the ex girlfriend tell you what to do. Only you can make the decision - not her, not him. You are the one carrying the child. Hissy has given you good advice - write up that list, sleep on it and make it YOUR decision, whatever it is.
You are very brave to come here and talk to us - but just know that we are here if you need someone to talk to.

((((((((((hugs))))))))))

Nora is right about the ramifications being life-long. A long time ago, I had an abortion. I was married, had just lost a beautiful baby boy prior to that. The doctors told me after my son died, that if I got pregnant again that I would not only lose the child but also my life. I had just undergone a long series of difficult surgeries, and my last had been when my son had been taken by c-section. Not wanting me to get cut anymore (I am allergic to birth control pills and no device worked on me either)- my husband decided to have vasectomy. (It didn't take!) and as a result, I got pregnant.

Not able to handle going through 9 months of hell again (my body was also allergic to the fetus)causing all sorts of nasty problems for me when I am with child, I opted with a very heavy heart to do the abortion. In those days it was barely legal- and let me tell you, that day i did this, was a day I descended into Hell and saw what it really looked like.

It was sad really, my doctor's hands were tied, he was also a good friend and he knew that me carrying this child to term would possibly kill me and he could do nothing about it, so I had what they called a back alley abortion. At least today, if you decide to do this, you won't suffer at the hands of amateurs like I did. But, your heart will suffer your entire life, if you do this procedure for all the wrong reasons.

Oh, MA - I'm so sorry.

oh MA I'm so sorry that is just so sad.


Please don't let anyone tell you what to do, what ever choice you make is the choice you have to live with. I wanted to be pregant SO BAD and have given up. It's just not happing for me. So of course I see it as alittle blessing. But you need to do what is right of you, not him, and for sure not the new girlfriend! She might not even be around next week.

Nora,

It's okay really. It wasn't back then, and it wasn't for a very long time afterward, but I have worked through it. Kate just needs to know that this isn't the type of decision to enter in lightly, nor is it a procedure to use in place of birth control. I debated whether to say something about it, because it is after all the dirtiest piece of laundry to air, but I have gotten emails from time to time from members who want to talk about this issue because they too had one long ago, and remember it to this day. I must have started the darn reply seven times and deleted it each time thinking it was not the proper thing to do. But I think it needed to be said, and it is the first time I have made this admission openly like this. Only certain people knew of this shame I carried for so long. Now I guess it is "out there" for all to see and for Kate to really consider.

My hubby and I were just married and we wanted just 1 child to complete our lives. Then a cyst was found on my ovary and the surgeon removed EVERYTHING! I was only 17 years old when this happened and I couldn't find the surgeon after that to sue his butt off! He disappeared into thin air. To this very day I still want that 1 child!!!

This is a hard decision for you to make, but there should be some factors to help you decide, but the final decision is yours alone. First and foremost, tell that girlfriend of his off and block her email and change your phone number to an unlisted number for about a year. But first tell her to mind her own business!

Second, look deep into your heart and really do a lot of soul searching to find out if you really want this child. I have a feeling that you do because if you didn't then you would have never come here and told anyone! Many women have successfully raised a child without the father and a lot of the time it's been more of a blessing that he wasn't around to interfere.

But, we can't tell you what to do we can only offer our advice and our support, isn't that why we are here? Think long and hard before Wednesday....because once it's done there is no turning back!

Take Care, Kate!

April

Kate, you have my support no matter what you decide to do.

If you are not sure about the abortion then don't do it. Absolutely NOT! And don't let anyone bully you into having one. PLEASE! I know exactly how you are feeling. I've been there. If your wish is to keep the baby then that is what you should do. If you are not sure but also are not sure about terminating the pregnancy then don't terminate. There is always adoption. And you can do open adoptions these days too where your level of involvement with the child is totally up to what you agree to.

Ok, since Mary Ann was brave enough to come out with her story, I am going to do the same.

About 15 years ago I lived with a man who I adored. We were planning on getting married even. I got pregnant and he was not happy. He pressured me to no end telling me he would leave me if I went through with the pregnancy. He said he would have nothing to do with the child and so forth. After weeks of pressure I caved and we made an appointment for me to go in and terminate the pregnancy. I did not want the abortion at all but was more afraid of losing this man. I was weak and could not stand up to him. And It was all so tormenting.

I remember everything like it was yesterday. It was a horrible experience. And after, the emotional damage was so high. It's taken years to come to a point where I can even live with it. For a long time I forgot about it by drinking and taking sedatives to the point my internal organs began to shut down. To this day, I believe that is why I have so many medical problems.

I still think about my baby frequently. But it took many years to forgive myself for being weak and betraying myself. I went through a recovery program for the drinking/drug problems and went through a little "funeral" of sorts, with my conselor. She made me write a letter to my baby, putting down all my feelings and then we had a little ceremony where we went up on a hill and burried the letter.

I'm not telling you all this to frighten you or anything. Rather, I wish for you to make YOUR own decission and to do the right thing for YOU and your baby. Not what is right for someone else. Don't make a decission you will later regret. If you decide to terminate your pregnancy and you know it is right for you then I support you in that. But I don't want to see you make that decission based on what the new girlfriend or your ex- boyfriend wants.

Kate, I know you dont know me as Im new here but your post really hit me. I can tell you Ive been in both situations. Abortion and single mom life. I can only tell you my opinion and experiences, but I hope you think hard about the seriousness of this decision. An abortion is forever whereas that nasty new girlfriend is a passing phase. As is your exbf apparently. They both sound like they leave something to be desired.

I had an abortion when I was 17. Its a long story, but basically I was in a very abusive relationship with a man twice my age and I was terrified. To this day I have major regrets about it. It didnt hit me really until I had my daughter though. Once I had her I was overwhelmed with guilt about my first baby that never had a chance. It wasnt his/her fault they were conceived under terrible circumstances. I partly wish I had either kept the baby or done an adoption.

Anyway, then I had my daughter when I was 19. I was with her dad for 2 good years when his alcoholism took over. Ive been a single mom since Laura was 4 months old. I have an awesome family that supports me though and gives me strength. They also babysit when I feel like Im going to snap I love my life though. I love having my daughter and its a huge feat for me to do this myself. I own my own house, Im self sufficient, plus occasional child support. Laura rarely sees her dad and we do just fine.

My point is, abortion is forever and you can never change your mind again. If you dont do that, you have 9 months to figure something out. Whether thats adoption or raising your baby yourself, you can do it. If I can anyone can Im only 23. I have no college education. We manage really well, because Im determined and self disciplined. I urge you to read your post again and see what I saw, someone scared to death but who really doesnt want to go to that appointment on Wednesday. Dont feel bullied or pressured in to anything, please. That exbf and his new gf wont be around forever. You can get support from your exbf, which you rightfully deserve. If you need any information on resources in your area let me know. I will do my best to help you.

Oh please Kate don't ever let someone make you do something this serious. So many of my friends have had abortions and regret it so deeply, sometimes out of nowhere one will just start crying about it. It gives me pain just to see their pain. This guy sounds like a jerk so if you do keep the baby I would probably try to sever all ties.. I know you could do it on your own, so many women do and with success. If not, a noble thing to do would be to pick out a loving adoptive family for your baby.

I believe in a woman's right to choose but this doesn't seem like your choice. Don't ever let ANYONE tell you what to do with your unborn child.

Please keep us updated.

Something else I forgot to mention.. Im not sure if its the same where you are as some laws vary per state. But anyway im Minnesota, since I was not married to my ex I was given 100% physical and legal custody of my child. Her Dad is on the birth cert and also signed over a Recognition of Parentage when she was born. It saved me so much when it came down to legal stuf. We didnt have to battle at custody at all. Child Support was an obligation because he is her biological father but he basically has no rights to her. He could technically take me to court to try and fight for at least some physical custody but he would have to prove me unfit or himself somehow good enough. In this case, he has no chance. (He has a lot going against him that I wont go in to.)
It could be the same where you are which would save you a lot of hassle.